[Intermediate to advanced game] Valentine’s Day is coming up. That can be a comfort test.

I obviously wrote this one before Valentine’s Day, but the basic idea applies to many other circumstances. Small comfort-building activities are important. Most guys overdo the comfort for so long that when they eventually learn to lean heavier on aloof game they totally forget about comfort.

Everyone reading this should be familiar with shit tests and if you are not then quit this post and read the sidebar. For 90% of guys, shit tests are the sticking point they face. For guys who’ve overcome most shit tests, however, comfort tests can be the bigger problem, especially for medium-term FWBs. A while ago I saw a post titled, “Be careful of being too Alpha, Comfort Tests are far more lethal than Shit-Tests,” and it reminded me of the issue.

Valentine’s day can be a comfort test, but it’s one that’s easy to fail by either doing too much or too little. Gifts are an element of retention. When you start banging girls you don’t have to worry too much about keeping them around, but the vast majority of women consciously or subconsciously want to “advance” their relationship with a good guy. Most women also bond with guys who are fucking them and giving them orgasms. This is doubly true if you’re going bare.

Like I said, it’s easy to fuck up through doing too much (if you are a novice at fucking hot women or more than one woman at a time, quit reading and get more experience). When I was way younger I had the bad habit of thinking that grand romantic gestures and gifts would endear me to women, because that’s what I saw in movies and read in novels. But when I tried grand romantic gestures in real life they totally flopped. As a younger guy I had no idea why. Now I do. Women love romantic gestures but only from a guy they consider to be higher status than they are.

So if you have a woman you’ve been fucking somewhat regularly, consider getting her a small present for Valentine’s Day. You should only give gifts to women you’ve been sleeping with semi-regularly. I’d say at least three times or for longer than a week, but there is no hard and fast rule. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVES GIFTS TO WOMEN YOU HAVE NOT FUCKED. You will lower your own value in doing so and will decrease the likelihood you will ever fuck her.

The gift shouldn’t be expensive. A stuffed animal or bar of chocolate or inexpensive necklace will do. If she thinks she’s earned the gift, she will value it more than she will a $10,000 engagement ring or an expensive, fancy, uncomfortable dinner with a guy trying to buy her love and her pussy. The best gift I ever got a girl was for a girl who loved pickles and so I got her some for her birthday.

If you deliver a little bit of comfort you will set yourself off from most player assholes. The key phrase is “a little bit.” One of the commenters to that post said,

Shit Test – Too little masculine polarity.

Comfort Test – Too much masculine polarity.

Well-stated. I have been both and while you should err towards too much masculine polarity, you can overdo it. I have, and I made women pointlessly suffer by being too aloof.

For most guys this post is not going to be helpful because you will not yet be at the stage where comfort rather than shit is your biggest sticking point. But if you are like me, you might get over your initial challenges and then decide that you’re too badass to deal with her feelings or to deign to remember birthdays or holidays.

This will both make her feel bad (as well as used) and reduce your performance. A couple dollars, a box, and an air of mystery will go a long way. A little comfort also goes a long way and you should be 80 – 90% aloof, mysterious asshole, but that tenderness will up your game. There is a good book called Mate: Become the Man Women Want that uses the term “Tender Defender” for what women want and like. They want a guy who isn’t a pussy but who isn’t mean to them. When I was younger I went through phases where I was like, “I’m so fucking hard, I’m the boss, I don’t do fucking Valentine’s day,” dumb shit like that. That was a slightly better stance than giving girls I hadn’t fucked flowers in public, but it wasn’t ideal either.

This Valentine’s Day I don’t have anyone I’m seeing who’d be appropriate for this, and lately I’ve gotten kinda tired of women, maybe because I’m getting older. I wish I’d better known how to handle momentous days when I was younger, especially for FWBs-type situations where I want to keep the woman around but I don’t want a conventional “relationship.”

Don’t waste much time on video games

This one is controversial but the topic is so important I can’t ignore it. You’ll quickly understand its relationship to “Most guys are pussies. Be different. Or, “Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say.” The original title was even, “A lot of guys are losers and it’s easy to be better than many (and maybe most) of them.”

So: for a while I was fucking this too-young-for-a-relationship girl who’s recently out of college, and she told me a little about her college experience and the guys she’d seen. You’ve probably seen the “college experience” depicted in movies and TV, but for most people and especially guys college is not like that. Most of the guys at her school were not the masterful party guys of legend. In her rendition most are losers. Most interestingly, she described fucking a guy who would apparently rather play video games than fuck her. She eventually broke up with him because she got irritated by the way he’d spend all night playing video games with guys, rather than actually fucking her. He didn’t get another girlfriend after her.

It appears that a reasonably large number of guys would rather play video games than have sex. If you look at most guys, and I mean literally look at them, this may not be that big a surprise. The average American guy is 5′ 8″ and weighs 195 pounds. He’s a video-game-playing lardass.

There are a large number of frustrated, attractive women who correctly complain that there aren’t “good” guys available. I used to think those women were full of shit… now I’m not so sure. I’ve heard too many stories like this girl’s to think that they’re all delusional or princesses. I hear too many stories about fatass guys and video games and a total lack of ambition to think all of the complaints are exaggerated. I’m also not that great a guy (I think) yet I seem to have few problems getting with women, including ones who should be too young and hot to be interested in me. A lot of them say the same basic thing: I’m not a giant pussy like other guys, I’m not a fatass, I have a career, and they can “just tell” I like sex and am good at it.

If you’re a guy and you want to be a man, the road is sometimes hard but always worth it. It’s especially worth it because most guys seem to abrogate being a man in favor of video games or other fundamentally masturbatory pursuits. Listening to this very pretty girl talk about guys who preferred video games to fucking her seemed crazy to me. Yet it’s apparently common. You can probably do better than those guys if you try. There are reasons why guys who apply themselves often find great success fast. Not all do. Some guys are profoundly fucked up and it will take them a long time to restructure themselves. But many aren’t. They just need a kick in the ass.

Now, you can argue that this girl was trying to boost my ego by talking shit about her exes. Maybe she was. But if so, she wasted her time cause I don’t give a fuck. Her story jives with the data on men. Men are now unemployed at greater rates than women. Men on average do worse in school. The video game obsessives are almost all men. It’s not hard to be better than those guys. If you lift, practice reasonable social skills, don’t eat sugar, and pay attention to how you dress, you’re doing to do better than at least a substantial percentage of guys and maybe most guys. Mastering the basics is easy. Most guys don’t. In any field always start with the basics.

Like I said, a lot of horny and unsatisfied girls are out there. As you master the game you will discover more and more who they are and why they’re justifiably unsatisfied.

To be sure it is possible to play some video games and be all right with women and the rest of your life. But I get the impression that a lot of guys are playing video games like it’s their job. That’s a mistake. Skills and habits compound over time. But no one cares about your video game feats. Use video games to waste time and during your dead time if you want, but be very careful that they don’t consume your real life and real being. You only live once.

Overall, videogames, like smartphones and sometimes the Internet more generally, impede your ability to do Deep Work and for that reason they should be avoided.

“Don’t End the Week With Nothing” [Career]

Don’t End the Week With Nothing” is some of the best career advice anywhere. It is too long to excerpt effectively and you should read the whole thing. Nonetheless,

One of the reasons developers have embraced OSS so much is because it gives you portable capital between companies: if your work is sitting on Github, even if you leave one job, you can take it with you to your next job. Previously this happened pretty widely but generally under the table. (Is there any programmer who does not have a snippets folder or their own private library for scratching that one particular itch?) One of the great wrinkles that OSS throws into this is that OSS is public by default, and that’s game changing.

Why? Because when your work is in public, you can show it to people. That’s often the best way to demonstrate that you’re capable of doing work like it.

Telling people you can do great work is easy: any idiot can do it, and many idiots do. Having people tell people you do great work is an improvement. It suffers because measuring individual productivity on a team effort is famously difficult, and people often have no particular reason to trust the representations of the people doing the endorsements. . . .

Work you can show off, though, is prima facie evidence of your skills. After your portfolio includes it, your ability to sell your skills gets markedly better. Given that most people’s net worth is almost 100% invested in their personal capital (i.e. if you’re a young engineer the net present value of all future salary absolutely swamps everything in your bank account), this is a fairly radical improvement in your present situation for not a very radical change in how you go about things.

This is particularly good advice because we live in a world in which your employer has zero loyalty to you and will jettison you in an instant if doing so is effective for him or it. Company loyalty is dead and has been dead for decades. Getting a job so you can “pay your dues” is a moronic notion today propagated by employers who want to exploit the worker. Paying your dues means you are lining someone else’s pocket.

Paying your dues is dumb, but if you can get a job that builds skills you should take it. Build your skills and then sell them to the highest bidder. That is how you get to the top of the financial / economic heap. There is an analogy to game here: For many guys who aren’t naturals and don’t have lots of reference experiences banging hot chicks, you build into banging hot chicks by first banging less-hot and suboptimal chicks for experience, skills, practice, ladder climbing, and branch swinging. You’re better off banging than not most of the time. If you don’t have an active harem you should be very wary of the word “standards,” just like if you don’t have a job you should be very wary wary of not getting some kind of gig somewhere doing something.

Back to work stuff though, you need to do at least two things in any modern job: Have skills and be able to demonstrate those skills. Being able to demonstrate those skills means you should not end the week with nothing. You need to be thinking about your portfolio (pretty much every job needs a portfolio now) and how that portfolio applies to your next gig.

This is a particularly timely piece because it’s the end of the year, which means it’s a good time to make a list of everything you’ve accomplished this year and why you accomplished it. You should also make a list of what you’re going to accomplish in the year to come. If you have nothing or too little on your accomplishments list you need to get off the Internet and make a real plan to do what you need to do.

What a portfolio means is going to differ based on your work. Hell even if you’re a bartender you should take pics of the best drinks you make and/or have a bunch of drinks you can make real fast. That is a kinda contrived example but you know what I mean.

You are in a world where your formal credentials, like a university degree, mean surprisingly little and lots of people have them. I have hired and fired many idiots with degrees. You need to set yourself apart and demonstrate that you have real skills. One way to do that is to make sure that what you do is visible in some way, and that you don’t have a lot of weeks where you get to Friday and you aren’t sure WTF happened that week.

“Goodwill” from your employer or clients no longer exists. When someone says they will pay you back down the road they are usually full of shit. Get it now or take your full value elsewhere.

I have other career posts I have been meaning to write, my favorite being that the only way to really get ahead in money and responsibility terms is quitting and getting a new job. Most companies will not bump you by more than 5 – 10% per year, but it is possible to jump by 50 – 100% or more by going from one company to another.

Keeping your financial footprint as small as possible is another good topic. The less you spend the less they own you (the marketing industry already owns you by the way, and if you don’t think so just look at the way people think their car expresses some deep facet of their personality and the personalities of people around them). The three biggest areas of waste are usually housing, cars, and (for younger guys) over-pricey school.

The best cost-benefit things for sleeping with women are clothes that fit, money for drinks, and a gym membership. Those things are orders of magnitude cheaper than cars or “impressive” housing, with “impressive” being defined by some marketing guy.

Embrace the awkward

In the real world, seduction and intersex relationships are often awkward. I didn’t know that when I was younger and I thought that being awkward was a sign of my own ineptness. It wasn’t and instead it was a sign of how things are for most people. Also, who cares how awkward it is if you still have sex?

Most girls actually have shit social skills and don’t know how to act around guys they like and aren’t good conversationalists. So meeting, seducing, and sleeping with them is often awkward because of both parties. Paradoxically, the more a guy embraces and rejoices and accepts the awkward, the smoother many interactions will go.

If you are a guy your job is to assume the sale and keep escalating (in a reasonable way or reasonable time) until you are fucking her or she stops you. The whole process might be awkward but when your dick is in her you don’t care, do you? Escalate until you can’t anymore. Often you will escalate your way right into sex that wouldn’t happen is you stood around waiting for the girl to indicate overt approval (which most girls will never do).

In movies and TV a lot of things are smooth and the characters have witty banter and the sex is magic and everyone comes after three pumps. That’s because Hollywood produces fantasy. In real life shit doesn’t work that way, yet we’re conditioned by watching and absorbing fantasy.

Stories about midlife divorce are cautionary stories about why younger guys shouldn’t marry

You may not believe this, but I think you should read Eat Pray Lovebecause it demonstrates what goes through a woman’s mind when she blows up her relationship and everything that most women are told to strive to accomplish for going off and fucking randoms (that is not how the book is conventionally framed but that is a good reading of it). You also don’t want to marry chicks who are “creative,” because “creative” means she’s a restless slut. Great to f**k, bad to marry.

Once you realize that women are valorized by the culture for both marrying and for divorcing, any residual desire you may feel about marrying should dissipate.

The latest example in this saga is from The Emancipation of the MILF, concerning Claire Dederer’s book Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning,

About six years ago, Claire Dederer realized she had a problem. The problem had to do with sex. It had to do with desire. It had to do with being a middle-aged wife and mother and needing and wanting to be seen and known by new people in a new way, maybe even by people she didn’t particularly like or love or respect all that much. Her problem had something to do with sex but didn’t stop there.

In other words, women feel the call of the wild much like men do, and they are willing to blow up their marriages to answer that call. Solution: Don’t marry in the first place.

I don’t know that I believe this,

By modern standards, the author’s misbehavior is mild — there is no marriage-destroying, Eat, Pray, Love–style romance or affair. Instead, she yearns and flirts; she stays out late and takes vacations with her best friend instead of her husband; she has a slew of inappropriate email friendships with various suitors, and at her most reckless, allows an unnamed, famous short story writer from California to stick his tongue in her mouth

And even if I do, why marry a woman who is going to yearn and flirt with someone else anyway? Better not to give her access to half or more of your assets.

How odd it is to exist in this moment of so many contradictions when it comes to our thinking about female sexuality. “We’re living at a time,” I said to her, “when women, some women, some young women, have more sexual freedom than ever before. It’s sort of okay now to not get married. It’s sort of okay to say you don’t want to have kids. It’s sort of okay to have sex with other women, or to have sex with men and women, or to be into kink, or to be sex-positive, or polyamorous, or whatever

It’s “okay” to not get married. So don’t get married.

You can have kids without marrying. I have.

Lately I’ve also been slowing down on the game. I just don’t get the thrill from bedding women that I used to and now I find that time spent with my kids is much more fulfilling for me and for them than the time I might be spending chasing and sleeping with women.

Back on point, there is another useful article, ‘We Choose Each Other Over and Over Because We Want to’: Readers Share Their Open-Marriage Stories,

To tell this story with the kind of depth that it requires, you need to tell the story of those for whom nonmonogamy didn’t work out. In my case, after more than 10 years of marriage and two kids, my wife fell for someone else, and I agreed to open up the marriage.

In retrospect, I never really had a choice, and this was the beginning of the end of the marriage.

Now many red pill guys are vehemently opposed to non-monogamy. I do not share your feelings for reasons I mention here. To me non-monogamy done well is really next level pickup artistry in which guys share high-quality women for the benefit of all, like good ideas are shared by great scientists in order to further the scientific quest. I am never likely to attempt to be monogamous again. It’s not practical for me and based on the data not practical for a wide swath of the population. But I have never married and will never marry. If you practice non-monogamy without the economic bonds of marriage it is likely to work out much better for you. If you are married and non-monogamous then you’ve fucked up and just don’t realize it yet.

As you know I am vehemently opposed to marriage. The poor sap in the NYT story likely had half his assets stripped from him and has decades of “child” support in front of him. His ex will likely get full custody of the kids. In the modern era marriage is just stupid and dangerous, especially as conscious non-monogamy grows. He could have had kids without getting married and without getting as financially entangled with a wife.

Some of the guys here evince a misty nostalgia for a past era of relatively strong monogamy. I doubt that era was all that good (everyone had kids way young and got used up fast, men and women both) but whether it was or wasn’t it’s over. The only real way to protect yourself today is to not get married. As mentioned above I love non-monogamy, but I would probably not do it if I were also entangled in marriage and taking the risks marriage imposes.

Women want to follow your lead: a story about a woman presenting two ways

Years ago I dated this average-but-pretty woman, and I slowly introduced her to sex-positive culture and sex parties. When we first started dating she presented a fairly average relationship and sex history. Over the course of a month or two I got her to go to a sex party with me and then eventually got her to swap partners. That was hard for her at first, and about half of women I’ve gotten to do this find it very hard, while about half are pretty curious to try it out (contrary to some of the manosphere descriptions). She did do it and over time she became more sex-positive. In her rhetoric and actions she began to favor of group sex and consensual non-monogamy.

Eventually things soured because I wouldn’t move in with her and refused to make a long-term commitment. A long time ago I decided that cohabitation is not for me, and refusing the “next steps” has probably been the end of my last 10 – 15 short- to medium-term relationships. Most women have their own dating timeline and it moves from meeting to kissing to casual sex to deep sex to moving in, marrying, and children.

My timeline stops at deep sex and most women will break up with me when I tell them after a couple months that there is no “next” step to the relationship. It is possible to lie and let women dangle for long periods of time, but I think it’s mean, deceptive, and hurts both the woman and the guy telling the lie. Women also have tight reproductive timelines and for women over the age of 30 it’s cruel to let them invest years of their reproductive prime in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

Plus, if you let a woman age 30+ invest years of her reproductive prime in you, don’t be surprised if she takes matters into her own hands and “forgets” to take her birth control. Or she gets her IUD out and doesn’t have it replaced.

You may argue that’s unethical. I agree. It’s also unethical and cruel to let a woman invest years of her reproductive prime at age 30+ in a relationship that won’t lead to kids. Yes, she should “know better,” but so should you. Have fun with her for a couple months, then be straightforward about being a player and not wanting  kids (or kids with her).

I did like this woman and I did like the way she had sex. Like most women who breakup for timeline issues we did keep hooking up for a while. In these situations it’s common for the woman to find another guy, date him, break up with him, and come back for more sex.

I don’t think any of her friends totally knew what we were up to, although some could read between the lines when they’d ask what we were doing and I’d say things like, “Going to a party,” and when they’d ask if they could come, I’d explain that I’m not sure it was for them and that I wasn’t the host. If you do this kinda shit with a smile you can get away with it. Some of them would drunkenly confide their own dark sex desires to me, because they knew I’d keep those desires secret.

Recently this guy I work with acquired a new girlfriend. One night I finally meet her and it’s the same one from my story before! Just older. Meeting for her was awkward for her and for him, because we obviously knew each other. I just did my usual thing in this circumstance and was like, “Oh hey, I remember you from Joe’s party.” Like I said women want to fall into your frame and she fell right into mine again, saving face and making sure it’s less awkward than it would be otherwise for the guy dating her.

Part of the reason this encounter went more smoothly than it could have is because she knows I don’t want to shame her in front of her new man. I don’t want to out her. She knows that my sex positivity is real. She acquiesced to taping sex acts that could be viewed as degrading because she knew, correctly, that I would never use those tapes against her.

Some snippets of those tapes are still on the Internet but she is not identifiable in them. If you are part of the secret society and really keep the “secret” part of the secret society, good things will happen to you.

I’m 95% sure she’s not going to tell the guy she’s dating that she’s fucked me and fucked a bunch of other guys and gals with me. I’m pretty sure my colleague has a normal frame and worldview about women that does not include understanding that women love sex and will do almost anything for a guy they really want to keep. He couldn’t imagine this woman partner-swapping and fucking a guy whose name she doesn’t even know while I do the same to his girl. I feel kinda bad for the guy, but it is not my job to wake him up; that is his job. He is a fine guy overall but he presents to women as weak and normal so I’m sure women treat him that way.

He should know or suspect her history, but his mind doesn’t want to go there. People can tell which guys are players and which guys are losers who can’t get dates, and while I’ve mostly stopped bringing dates to most company or industry functions, people know. I try to minimize that reputation because it doesn’t help me for the most part, but it is not possible to fully hide who you are.

Also, I’m sure that some of the commenters will say that all women are willing to go to orgies and engage in gang bangs and the depraved shit I like. Not true. I’ve tried. Women have turned me down or just run away because group sex or partner swapping is not congruent with their personalities. That’s fine with me. I’d say they’re the minority of women, probably under 25%, but they exist.

Over time though most women will follow your lead. I want to be a hedonistic slut and over time demand that women do the same. Most will. My colleague probably wants women to present as demure and so they probably will present that way. Most people do not actually stand for anything, so they follow the lead of the strongest person they see.

Happy New Year and make 2017 the year you do the shit you really want to do. Don’t let other people tell you how to run your life. It is up to you to create the world you want to live in. The vast majority of the population just goes through other people’s ruts and other people’s paths.

To quote another writer, “Your woman is pretty much malleable to whatever values or life you to intend to live, if your frame is strong enough.” There are exceptions but in most cases women respond to authentic frames and want a guy strong enough to graciously and gracefully lead them. If you have that frame a lot becomes possible. Most women hide their deep sexual desires for fear of being judged by other women and by men. The number who will speak about how they feel or act out their fantasies is small because most women are constrained by the box other women and men put around them. I try to open that box.

Show her what type of man you are so she knows what kinda woman to be.

Someone asked me whether most guys in non-monogamous relationships are secretly or overtly bisexual. I don’t think so, and guys who are bi or want to experiment with men can go to any gay bar any night of the week to do so. They don’t need to go to a sex club. Gay guys do what straight guys wish they could and have sex all the time. So there’s really no need to go through the whole party and club process that straight group sex entails.

Most guys are weak. Be different: “Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say”

Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say” is a must-read. The short, un-PC version is that most guys are pussies. Are you one? Then stop being one. Being a pussy is a choice that you make eery day.

Based on reading “Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say,” it’s not surprising that most guys have problems with women, since most guys have weak, flabby bodies matched with weak, flabby minds and weak, flabby personalities. None of those are attractive to women. If you fix those fundamentals (most guys are too busy playing video games and watching Internet porn to bother) you will beat 80% or more of guys out there.

The WaPo article says,

To look at it another way: In 1985, the typical 30-to-34-year-old man could squeeze your hand with 31 pounds more force than the typical woman of that age could. But today, older millennial men and women are roughly equal when it comes to grip strength.

Women don’t want a guy who is only as strong as they are. They want considerably strong. Tough love: if you are a pussy in the physical realm you deserve to have those problems.

I’ve had lots of problems in my life but I’ve never had some of the extreme problems with women a lot of guys have. I think that’s because I developed strong sports and athletics habits early and never gave up. The price modern guys pay is never being able to give up. Most of the guys I swam with and lifted with when I was younger are now typical fatasses, and they have all the typical older guy fatass problems.

I know I keep saying this, but that’s because it’s so important: you will beat a huge percentage of guys just by not being a pussy.

(ht Marginal Revolution)