Riv’s nine thoughts on Miriam. Over time the game goes deeper, and this is what deeper looks like.
So I was walking around tonight and saw this pretty blonde girl emerge from an alley, and something about her and the way she walked made me think: “I think I know what she just did in there.” As I passed the alley I checked: no guy. Her skirt was just slightly askew and I jogged up to say, “Did you just pee in there?”
She was mortified, not confused, and said, too quickly, “No!”
Normal girls would probably be confused. She wasn’t and that told me what I needed. I was like, “Come on, we’ve all been there. I know and you know. Now we’re part of a secret society.”
She softened and still denied it, but in that way girls deny shit that’s true.
I was like, “You must’ve had a wild night, but you’re not the kind of person who usually does this. What’ve you been up to?”
Like most girls she couldn’t answer or tell stories, so I launched into a story about taking ecstasy that involved a hot tub. She seemed interested and we had some back and forth. I tried to get her to have a drink with me. No go. I tried to get her number and she was visibly teetering between doing it and not and decided not. She claimed she had a boyfriend. Saying I didn’t care and the usual boyfriend-destroyer stuff didn’t sway her. Maybe she did and thought I was entertaining. Who knows. But I got more traction than I should have, considering how gross she’d behaved.
Asking a girl if she just peed in public is a stupid approach if you’re gunning for the highest probability shot, but when you’ve taken enough shots entertainment value goes up. She’s also going to become a story, about the girl who peed in the alley.
“What We Can Learn from Women Who Cheat” is extremely Red Pill, although it’s written by and about women. I don’t have a lot to add because the article does the work, but the tl;dnr is “Don’t get married.” Which you ought to already know.
Personally I don’t think monogamy is realistic or desirable, but that seems to be a debated point among many men. Once you realize women don’t want monogamy, you should be more motivated to up your game.
In my life, I noticed the couples around me with children were particularly preoccupied with the concept [of cheating], because their relationship was supposed to “work” for decades, but the notion of sleeping with the same person “until death do us part” was losing its appeal.
If you marry someone and you think you want monogamy, you may be setting yourself up for failure, according to women themselves. Sorry. Also, only the paranoid survive:
This was also confirmed by the sexologists and couples therapists with whom I spoke. Women cheat less impulsively; rather, they plan prudently and are more skilful in their cover up.
Nowadays, women have higher standards of sexual fulfilment and romantic relationships, which they’re able to express. Once they realize they aren’t getting what they need from one relationship, they’re more likely to look for it elsewhere.
In other words, expect more bullshit from long-term relationships.
I think women are masters in lying to themselves about themselves as well as their sexual desires.
I’d call that “obvious.” Look at what she does, not what she says. Which is equally applicable to men. If he says he wants hotter women but finds video games more compelling than dead lifting, he is full of shit.
In the book, you talk about how one third to half the women surveyed are aroused by rape fantasies. That’s a pretty shocking revelation.
If rough sex is not part of your repertoire, it needs to be. Make sure you feel out the situation, though. Build up to it. I don’t recommend it being extremely rough on most first encounters. What women say they want and what they want is different.
Overall, remember that some men are cheated on and some men are cheated with. Which are you? Which will you be?
I dunno why, but I’ve had an eye for girls waiting on dates and especially girls on bad dates, and I like trying sneaky shit like telling girls, “You look bored waiting for your date.” One of my typical openers at a bar when I see a lone girl clearly waiting for someone is, “You must be waiting for a date. You think it’ll be any good?” Sometimes they’re waiting for a husband or boyfriend, but sometimes they’re not, and it’s a good quick icebreaker that starts with a quick sexual frame that isn’t gross.
This isn’t exactly an [FR], but it has some [FR] elements.
One recent example was in a coffee shop. There was an older but still slender and tight blonde woman who I pegged to be in her late 30s to early 40s. She was with a super nerdy, overweight and balding guy who was talking to her about programming and explaining his bitcoin company to her. I actually thought he was pretty interesting but her body language was so obvious that you’d have to be blind (or a total nerd I suppose) to miss it.
He got up to use the bathroom. I turned to her and said, “I can see your date isn’t going well. How’s online dating?” She said it wasn’t very good. I was, “That’s too bad. Here, write down your number quickly and we’ll go out. No bitcoin talk, I promise.”
Got the number and said, “You’re a former dancer, right?” She said, “How’d you know?” It’s obvious but I guess most guys are dumb. Guy came back and I studiously read my book.
(There is a term for this, I think it’s called cold lead, where you guess something about a person. If they say no, you can ask a followup question about them, and if they say yes they think you’re a brilliant person. Sherlock Holmes stories are filled with such things. Con men and “psychics” also use this technique. Smart people know how to see through it but it can be powerful in the moment even to smart people, and if someone is open to being seduced, wellllll. . . .)
We went out two days later. During the date, she told me that she wanted to find someone to have kids with, and I told her honestly that I’m the wrong person for that, but I’m the right person to see in the meantime. Through the date I could see her struggle with her principle (only guys who might give her a last-ditch shot at children) with her desire (sex is still fun).
I calibrated towards being a physically oriented sex guy. IMO it’s bad to lead on older women who want kids with the promise of monogamy and kids. They have only a limited period of time to have kids and it’s unethical to deprive them of that chance. Yes, women do many unethical things to men, but I still believe that having kids is one of the most important things a person can do, and even if women have mis-prioritized their lives they should still get their shot. Some things that most consider unethical are, properly considered, ethical, like sleeping with women who are married or have boyfriends (another thing I like to do). But with a woman who wants kids, it’s fine to say I’m not a kid guy and they should have fun in the meantime till they meet the kid guy.
We talked about dancing and her barre routine too. Lots of fitness things. I have been in this situation before, and some women who want kids fast thank me for my honesty and say no. Good for them. I hope they have kids. This one bit and we saw each other for a while. At the end she broke down crying saying that she wanted me and that the only guys who wanted her were guys she didn’t want. I felt bad for her but to be honest that’s the kind of dumb shit I expect to hear from 23-year-old girls, not women in their 30s or 40s. She is old enough to know beter but like so many people she wants contradictory things and can’t reconcile those things.
Like a lot of women, she wants children and a long-term relationship, but she’ll settle for sex right now, especially when she’s frustrated by a guy without game who she met online.
The need for basic game skills is still high and will probably always be high. I was listening to a first date in a tea shop, where this not-bad-looking guy had this ugly girl out with him.
She had this terrible piercing in her nose and looked a decade older than she likely is. And almost the entire date was her talking about her experiences in China and traveling, and all the guy would say is, “Very cool,” over and over again. Like 97% of the date was her talking about super non-sexual stuff, like she would to a girl friend, and the guy listening like he was getting paid to hear this girl’s blather. When a girl talks about it’s a sign of investment, that’s great. If she’s leading because there’s a leadership vacuum that guy isn’t filling, that’s terrible.
However hard the guys in the pickup scene may be on themselves, they are likely doing better than this guy. In my mind I was shouting, “Seize frame!” at him, but nothing happened.
Applying a tiny amount of basic game knowledge would improve that guy’s dating immeasurably.
(Warning: Low value and un-actionable ramblings about feelings ahead. You may want to skip this one, especially if you’re a beginning player and don’t yet have strong fundamentals. If you’re a guy reading RP or player ideas, you should prefer actionable ideas over ramblings. Yet if you’ve been in it for a while, it’s hard not to think about the bigger picture sometimes. I’ll never say that sex is bad or that pickup isn’t worth it. But I feel my feelings changing in ways that I wouldn’t have expected.)
Lately I’ve been lackadaisical about chasing women and sex. This is somewhat different from being lazy, because I’ve been lazy too and being lazy means wanting sex and knowing that getting sex will be worth it but not wanting to put in the effort to get up and make things happen. As a man, it is pretty much always your job to make things happen, whether you want that to be true or not.
Over the past couple years, I’ve noticed more often that after I have sex with a random woman, I feel more of that “hollow” sense that I’ve read about before and used to think was stupid. Yet now I’m feeling it. I don’t think I’m tired of sex, because the sex itself is still fun, but seeking it isn’t as strong an animating force as it used to be for me. Especially after sex, I find myself holding the woman and doing aftercare but feeling totally void, instead of the satisfied pleasure mixed with the feeling of a job well done that used to be common for me. I can go longer without sex without craving it.
Otherwise I feel good. Most of my life is “successful” by typical definitions, although I have a strong minimalism streak that puzzles most of my friends and colleagues, who don’t get that I don’t care about houses, TVs, cars, and the other crap people waste money on. I don’t think the call of the void after sex is a sign of generalized depression. I can’t rule that out altogether but don’t think that’s “it.”
I have to wonder what’s up. It could be a change in life course. I have been chasing (and fucking) women since not that long after I hit puberty. I think I had a more normal teenage life than a lot of pickup guys and players, many of whom seem to have been un-sexed or undersexed “nice guys” well into their 20s. I was never a “natural” but I did fine and started having sex at a normal to young age, so I wonder if I don’t have the need to “catch up” that seems to drive a fair number of players. I never had a decade-long relationship that ended in years of dead bedroom, or some of the other experiences that drive guys to be players.
Maybe I’ve had enough sex and things are all right for me. To be sure I still have some regulars on rotation and there are new prospects on the docket. I’m just not as excited. Motivation is its own challenge, but it’s not one that I’m familiar with because sex has for so long been a central motivation.
Although I’m not as excited about lots of sex with varied women as I used to be, I don’t know what the alternative is. I can’t imagine cohabitating with a woman ever again. Marriage is completely out. Can I build a successful long-term, open relationship with a woman? One that yields to my own need for novelty, which, left unsatiated, has always come back? It doesn’t seem likely. So maybe the issue lies elsewhere. I may have exhausted some of my need to have a lot of sex.
Like I said, this is kind of a garbage post for most guys, but it is what I’m feeling. The incredible pleasures of sex with new women just don’t seem so incredible as they did. I don’t know what that means for me going forward. Since I broke up with that much younger girl, who I’ve mentioned occasionally on this blog, I feel more like an artist making a work of art when I seduce women, and less like a man chasing a primal, urgent, animal need for sex.
Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe this means nothing. Could it mean something? Or am I just turning into a bitch? Seriously, any intellectually honest guy writing shit like this has to ask himself if he’s turning into a bitch. Every guy should honestly ask himself once a year if he’s a bitch or turning into one. That would help a ton of guys.
I can still pull women, I still like some of the unusual things I’m into like non-monogamy and making sex tapes, but more often I feel like a hamster on a wheel. If I get off the wheel, what happens? My job is going really well and I’ve defeated the financial demons of child support. So what happens?
I’ve honestly thought about becoming a part-time dating coach. Another bitch thing to say, but it’s true, and I see inept guys of all ages all around me. Yet I think thinking about such things, like “dating coaching,” is better than what the average person does, which is smother their thoughts and feelings under the oleaginous, disgusting weight of TV, Facebook, and bullshit.
Friends ask me how I have time to do “all” the things I do. I don’t have any more time than anyone else, but I’ve learned to cut the typical timewasters out and that leaves a lot of possibility for growth, development, knowledge, and of course sex. Or write this ridiculously long whine, haha.
But it also leaves time for getting in touch with whatever’s within me. For a long time, the top thing within me has been work, creativity, and most of all sex with the next pretty girl. If none of those things drives me anymore, what is left?
I look around me and out of the married people I see, I’d guess under 20% are in truly functional relationships, let alone growth-oriented relationships. I’m old enough to see people’s marriages crumble as their kids leave for college, leaving the couple in the relationship to re-meet each other and discover the stranger within and the stranger they’ve been living with. I’ve chosen to avoid that path, but I cannot avoid the perils of the path I’m on.
After two decades+ of being driven by varied, hedonistic sex and sex experiences, what if those kinds of things aren’t the driving thing for me anymore? I will not say I’ve mastered the game, because it’s clear that other guys have game far superior to mine, but I’ve done it well enough for my purposes.
I wonder if all guys who get deeply into the varied, hedonistic sex game eventually find that its urgency wanes. Most of the guys who write about the game seem to have been deeply into it for less than a decade. Like I said, many seem to be making up for lost times and opportunities. They don’t want to be the good boy, the nice guy, anymore. Totally legit, by the way. I’m not knocking it. But I’ve been doing the sex thing for longer, and that might affect my outlook.
This ramble doesn’t have answers. So many moment-by-moment tactical things have answers: sex spike; seek number; invite her back to your place; open her; ask her sex questions; provide comfort. Many of the strategic things do too: live in the center of the city or the center of the nightlife district; don’t eat sugar; lift. But what I’m feeling now doesn’t have an answer. Maybe this is why many artists turn mystic over time. They’ve transcended the medium and are trying to tap into or develop something else. What is that something else?
Guys around my age who don’t have kids would probably be thinking about kids, but I’ve already been there. Another thing that’s different about me compared to most players, I think.
How many times can I go through the process before the process itself is boring?
Maybe I need to learn or master a new skill. I am not the master of game, but I’m good enough to have achieved as much as I want to achieve. The sex I’ve had recently has been good. The void may pass with time. Maybe I need a real break for an extended period of time, and that will recharge my need. Bizarrely, I wonder if I can do it.
“She’ll accept the value proposition you’re offering at the start, whatever the form. The guy sets the frame, and it’s hard to change once in place.”
Does this sound familiar? I wrote an essay, “Women want to follow your lead: a story about a woman presenting two ways,” covering similar territory.
The more you know about women, the more you get that the vast majority live in a gray area, not in black or white. Maybe some (the religious, the dedicated polyamorous) live in a black or white world, but the vast majority don’t.
“I thus conclude she’d always fancied me but her circumstances had changed in the interim.” Complete story at the link. Something similar likely happened to the woman I wrote about in “Snapchat in game: ‘Wish this was you.’” The girl from this story is an even longer example, in terms of time passed between initial contact and lay.
If you get a hard “no” from a woman, never contact her again. But time resets a lot of clocks, and there’s often no reason to totally burn a cold lead. Cold leads can warm suddenly.
Downside is, enough time often turns attractive women fat. In the last year I’ve gotten renewed contact from three women I knew years ago, all of whom had gotten fat enough for me to be uninterested. A very strange thing and maybe a sign of getting older. One I met for a coffee, and she went nuts when I evaded her offers of drinks and dinners and said that I don’t see her in a romantic way. I pulled a total girl move, in other words. A longer story for another time. I probably ought not to have talked as much as I did about zero sugar. I also have this thing where I like to invite fatties to workout with me. They never do it.
This morning I was riding and came to a tricky section, and a girl was slowing down in front of me. I told her to take lead, and she told me to, so I did. When we passed the tricky section I slowed down and said that I was glad we’d gotten through there. She agreed and I asked where she’s going. She said yoga (a good sign) and I told I’d been trying it as a supplement to weightlifting. A little too gay and friendly, maybe, but it popped out. We talked about yoga and I told her to wait at the next light, because I want to get her number.
At the light I pulled out my phone and gave it to her and said that life is like waiting at the light: if you don’t act quickly the opportunity goes away.
A pretty basic interaction overall, but her energy was high. I’ve promised myself that I’m going to stop hitting on women and dating for a while in order to recover myself, but this morning I slipped into old habits, but I brought more energy to the interaction than I have in many recent interactions. When you’ve conditioned yourself to flirt as long as I have, you get used to acting in the moment. She gave me the phone back and I said I looked forward to seeing her and gave her hand a little squeeze. That surprised her. Not sure if it’s in a good or bad way.
She rode off and I caught up to my kids, who’d seen the number exchange. I really ought to hide things better from them, but the moment is everything. Instead of being terrifying, being in the moment has become thrilling.
Yeah, yeah, I know that I wrote about how I almost never write field reports… only to keep writing field reports. If I notice a situation that might have useful learning points for other guys I’ll write about it.
I love this story from Tom Torero. Sometimes things go bizarrely for reasons mostly outside your control. In this case, he snagged a definite “yes girl” almost by accident. Some of the most confusing times can occur when there are no obstacles. I’m trying to think of a story similar to his, but none have that combination of fast sex with a total stranger met on public transport. A couple times I’ve slept with friends of women I’ve been sleeping with, but those situations were more social proof and seeing the moment than game.