Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy

Mark Regnerus says, “My central claim in this book is that cheap sex is plentiful—that it’s flooding the market in sex and relationships—and that this has had profound influence on how American men and women relate to each other.” Yeah, he’s right, for the very top guys. Top 20% probably. The other guys are playing videogames and bitching on the Internet. Game is so important because the top guys are getting the sex. If you don’t learn game and you’re not a natural, all the other guys are going to be getting laid and you’re going to be whining instead of learning. It must be dispiriting to be the average guy reading about all the sex other guys are having and not having it himself. The average guy is too lazy to turn his frustration into action,  so he keeps sitting on the couch, while the guys who use frustration to propel themselves into action start getting laid.

The book is based around the myth that there’s this sexual cornucopia out there for guys. There is, yeah, and I’ve had it. I’ve had it in general and I’ve had it through the swinger and open-relationship worlds. But access isn’t free and it isn’t that easy for the vast majority of guys. If it were the game world wouldn’t be blowing up like it is.

Most women are unsatisfied too, because guys have left their masculine identities behind. I used to think women were just lying whiners, but now that I’ve learned enough game to evaluate guys the way women do, I see their point. Sleeping with a fat or skinny fat video game player who is unemployed or underemployed can’t be much fun for most women, even women who are themselves fat or skinny fat. Women are unsatisfied because guys are unsatisfying. Learning game makes women happier too. They want to be seduced but most men are too inept to bother learning how to do it.

Guys who aren’t red pill and getting laid are going to get angry reading the book. One Regnerus interviewee, Sarah, says, “I meet people in strange places. . . . It just happens.” From her perspective I bet she’s being honest, but she means that she takes zero responsibility for her decisions and she also only responds to what men offer her. Only the boldest and most game-trained men open a lot of strangers, so she’s naturally selecting for guys who are in it for sex. Kinda stupid if you think about it, right? But she doesn’t, or doesn’t critically, kind of like how fat guys playing video games wonder why they get no tail.

Individual responsibility is the basis of achievement. Sarah gets around to fucking “David, a musician who seemed more committed to making it in the industry than to making it work with her.” No shit. Musicians don’t want long-term relationships, and music is an almost purely mating call signal with little long-term economic viability.

Guys who do music are specializing in casual sex. I recommend that guys work to specialize in casual sex: hit the gym, don’t eat sugar, learn game, rather than civilization-building: get a job, maximize income via long work hours, etc. Guys need some minimum viable amount of money, but the rest is game.

Regnerus also cites a precursor book, Anthony Giddens’s The Transformation of Intimacy, and in that book Giddens predicts how the

achievement of reciprocal sexual pleasure [becomes] a key element in whether the relationship is sustained or dissolved. The cultivation of sexual skills, the capability of giving and experiencing sexual satisfaction, on the part of both sexes, [has] become organizad reflexively via a multitude of sources of sexual information, advice and training.

Couldn’t agree more. Guys need to develop sexual skills. Women would rather be with an exciting deadbeat who gets them off than a boring office guy who doesn’t. If she keeps getting off she’ll keep coming back. She wants to be taken to a sex shop, pick out some toys, and then have you use them on her. The first time a woman gets off with a plug in the back and a man in her front, she often thinks she’s seen God. Doesn’t matter that it’s a physiological illusion. You want her to think you’re Jesus. Cultivate your sexual skills. Great lovers are made much more than they’re born.

Regnerus says, “Opportunistic men are pressing women to operate more like men by privileging the physical over all other traits, and women—to mate at all—feel like they must play along.” He means, “women, to mate with the highest-value men, feel like they must play along.” Plus, a lot of women bring zero skills to their relationships. I’ve met a million slovenly women with no cooking skills who literally bring no concrete skills to the relationship apart from sex. If all they bring is sex, then yeah, guys are going to evaluate them on looks.

I’ve literally had this conversation with exes who bring up the ultimatum: move in or I’m moving on. And when I say I won’t live with a woman, they want to know why, and I ask, “What skills do you bring to this relationship?” They’re confused and then I point out to them that I’m a better cook, I make more money than they do, and I have better mechanical skills than they do. So what are they going to do to make my life and our household better? What gains from trade are we going to reap?

Then they start crying and I feel bad about making them cry.

We break up anyway.

Women won’t stay in uncommitted relationships for more than two years. Usually much shorter than that. Personally I’m happy to make them my official girlfriend as long as they’re willing to do swinging and non-monogamy, which, as I’ve said before, are underrated for top 20% RP guys.

Women want guys who make more money than they do, but if you’re a guy who makes more money you are also putting a lot of it at risk: “Women are far more likely to want out of their marriages than men. Among divorcees, 55 percent of women said they wanted their marriages to end more than their spouses, while only 29 percent of men reported the same.” So there’s a paradox: guys who want to marry often can’t because women won’t take their broke selves, while guys who don’t want to marry because they have too much to lose are often most sought by women.

Don’t get married. I’ve said it a million times before and will keep saying it till guys wise up. If you absolutely must must must must get married, do it after age 35 and after at least 50+ partners. Otherwise you just don’t know women. You might think you know women, but you don’t. When I was 21 I was like, “I’m such a stud, I’ve banged chicks, I know it all.”

I didn’t know shit.

I still don’t know that much. But from talking to a lot of guys, it’s apparent that I know more than the average guy. Which isn’t very much.

There is much more to this book than I’ve written here and I recommend it to all guys who want a better view of what’s happening. Regnerus doesn’t go all the way RP but he’s damned close.

Author: The Red Quest

How can we live and be in society?

9 thoughts on “Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy”

  1. >> Yeah, he’s right, for the very top guys. Top 20% probably. The other guys are playing videogames and bitching on the Internet. Game is so important because the top guys are getting the sex.

    Haven’t read the book, but doesn’t he talk about porn, too? Porn is replacing sex for the bottom 80%.

    Anecdotally, it applies to me. I didn’t lose my virginity until my mid-20s — not because I *couldn’t*, but because I was a porn connoisseur, I watched porn 1-2x a day per years, and I was able to focus my life on other stuff rather than having to be in a relationship and spend my time on women to get off.

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    1. and I was able to focus my life on other stuff rather than having to be in a relationship and spend my time on women to get off.

      I think we have pretty different priorities then… I don’t think anything is better than sex.

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  2. “Then they start crying and I feel bad about making them cry.

    We break up anyway.”

    I’ll single out this part to explicit what I value in your writing: you actually have long term experience of this. You obviously have a certain level of mastery over RP concepts and skills, but, more importantly, you’ve lived a number of situations and acquired real life knowledge.

    All too often I see on the forums and sites comments that are 100% theory, 0% practice. That first line, you feeling bad about making them cry, would probably garner some comments on how you’re not “alpha enough” or haven’t swallowed the whole RP.

    I also see people that devise a strategy and used for a couple of weeks posting how they have discovered the ultimate way of the RP! The guy have been doing that for less than a quarter of a year and is professing around his creed! “If you do this, your LTR/wife will be always on her knees” – yeah, for how long? How does it sustain after six months, a year?

    Meanwhile, here and there in your posts, you mention things you’ve learned that seem to contradict the common attitude of most RP commenters, but that are rooted on actually living these things! Guys who live vicariously through Field Reports, who try to convey their failures as choices: can’t succeed with women -> all women are terrible nowadays; can’t get laid -> chose to be on monk mode; can’t build a career -> chose not to get money so not to become BB; etc.

    Welp, I wrote a lot. I’m still on the learning curve of the RP. Some come naturally, some are really hard to understand how to make it work in my life and some, honestly, are really frustrating in that I keep failing to achieve the proper mindset, the proper behavior.

    Thank you for this work. Your posts both give food for thought and are actionable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “All too often I see on the forums and sites comments that are 100% theory, 0% practice. That first line, you feeling bad about making them cry, would probably garner some comments on how you’re not ‘alpha enough’ or haven’t swallowed the whole RP.”

      I’ve seen this before too and I barely reply to it. Why would someone *want* to make another person feel that bad? I hate making a girl cry. But I also now see beneath a lot of social situations in a way that I didn’t when I was younger. Whatever I know is like 80% pain, 10% reading, and 10% other.

      Real life is rarely simple.

      In my view almost no one is terrible and almost no one is wonderful. We’re in the middle. RP thinking should be a set of tools that allow guys to understand their lives, their societies, and the minds of women. Most guys have basically no understanding of women whatsoever, and then they’re surprised when they do poorly. But real understanding takes time, patience, concentration… all the old virtues that no one gives a damn about anymore. So much is out there, but usually it’s in books and experience, not in the computer.

      Most girls don’t know themselves either. So you have girls who don’t know anything dating guys who don’t know anything, and everyone is surprised when there’s a lot of misunderstanding. The number of girls who read evolutionary biology books I give them is not zero, but it’s not very high either. Why read a real book when there’s a romance novel (porn for women) or similar?

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  3. Very good post. I did not know about the book.

    “Sleeping with a fat or skinny fat video game player who is unemployed or underemployed can’t be much fun for most women, even women who are themselves fat or skinny fat.”

    Great remark. For the life of me, I will never understand how your job status matters when it comes to a sexual/romantic relationship. Do you love the man or his career? And the hypocrisy of wanting fit dudes when girls themselves are not so great looking!

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    1. Read the book or evolutionary biology. Most women for most of history relied on men during pregnancy and the early, dependent years of their children’s childhood for subsidies. So they’ve evolved to judge a man’s provider abilities and social status.

      That’s still true even today. Most women want to take time off of work when their babies are born. Many never want to return. That only works if they have a guy who can provide food and shelter for the woman and her baby.

      Liked by 1 person

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