Everyone reading this should be familiar with shit tests and if you are not then quit this post and read. For 90% of guys, shit tests are a sticking point and this post is useless. For guys who’ve overcome most shit tests, however, comfort tests can be the bigger problem, especially for medium-term FWBs / lovers (relationship skills and pickup/seduction skills overlap some, but there’s a lot of space separating them… it is possible to be better at one than the other). A while ago I saw a post titled, “Be careful of being too Alpha, Comfort Tests are far more lethal than Shit-Tests.” Good advice.
The holidays can present comfort tests for guys with medium- or long-term FWBs (or even girlfriends). Guys who are focused on one-night stands or very short-term things can ignore this.
The comfort test is easy to fail by either doing too much (many guys) or too little (players). Gifts are an element of retention. When you first start banging girls you don’t have to worry too much about keeping them around, but over time the vast majority of women consciously or subconsciously want to “advance” their relationship with a good guy. Most women also bond with guys who are fucking them and giving them orgasms. This is doubly true if you’re going bare. (Almost no one talks about the overwhelming, primal intimacy of unprotected sex.)
Like I said, it’s easy to fuck up through doing too much comfort (if you are a novice at fucking hot women or more than one woman at a time, quit reading and get more experience). When I was way younger I had the bad habit of thinking that grand romantic gestures and gifts would endear me to women, because that’s what I saw in movies and read in novels. But when I tried grand romantic gestures in real life they totally flopped.
As a younger guy I had no idea why. Now I do. I used to think that the women didn’t like me. Now I know Women love romantic gestures but only from a guy they consider to be higher status than they are.
Women love romantic gestures that the woman has earned and achieved. Romantic gestures and gifts are trophies for her. She has vanquished other women, who are her romantic rivals, and she has won the heart of a hard-to-get man, who is finally willing to show his affection towards her in the form of a gift. All those other women have LOST, and she has won. What a sweet victory for her. Women love to compete too, just in domains that are adjacent to the ones where men want to compete.
I wouldn’t accept a judo black belt because I haven’t earned it. I wouldn’t accept a PhD diploma because I haven’t earned it. Women don’t really want gifts they haven’t earned. Of course they often will take free shit if someone foists valuable free shit into their hands, just like you probably would, but they might feel grimy about it. If they have any character, they will feel grimy about it (although they might still take it). Normal people know that almost nothing valuable is “free,” and valuable things that are “given away” have strings attached. When you give a woman unearned gifts, especially expensive ones, she thinks you’re trying to bargain for sex with material goods… and there is already a profession devoted to that practice.
Only use gifts to reward good behavior. Never use gifts as a bargain, to curry favor, or as a trade. Fucking you on a regular basis is good behavior that should be positively reinforced.
I’m sure many of you are about to write comments about how giving things to chicks is BETA. In the wrong circumstances, it is. In the right circumstances, it’s not. Context changes the perception of a given action. Guys at the start of their journey shouldn’t worry about this at all. Guys with regular FWBs might think about it.
Giving a gift, especially an unexpected gift, can be an element of what Tom Torero calls “contrast game.” Listen to the whole podcast, please, if you are at least intermediate level. A guy who is mostly aloof and does push-pull and is mostly focused on sex can improve his connection with a woman by sometimes (not often, but sometimes) doing the opposite.
The unexpected gift, especially from a guy she’s been casually seeing yet who she worries will not commit to her, will get her wondering, “What does this mean?” She may ask her girlfriends about what her mystery man could mean. She thinks he’s f**king other girls (he is) but he also gave her a necklace for Christmas. Does that mean he’s serious about her? That he likes her more than other girls?
And on and on. Think of it as the positive side of the hamster.
So if you have a woman you’ve been fucking somewhat regularly, consider getting her a small present for the holidays. Only give gifts to women you’ve been sleeping with semi-regularly. I’d say at least three times or for longer than a week, but there is no hard and fast rule. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVES GIFTS TO WOMEN YOU HAVE NOT FUCKED. Not now, not ever. You will lower your own value in doing so and will decrease the likelihood you will ever f**k her.
I put this in all caps because guys who are skimming this and about to write a moronic rebuttal comment need to see it.
The gift shouldn’t be as expensive as possible; it is truly the thought that counts. A stuffed animal or bar of chocolate or inexpensive necklace will do. If she thinks she’s earned the gift, she will value it more than she will a $10,000 engagement ring or an expensive, fancy, uncomfortable dinner with a guy trying to buy her love and her sex. The best gift I ever got a girl was for a girl who loved pickles and so I got her some for her birthday.
For girls who’ve been around longer or more consistently, high-quality but inexpensive jewelry can be good. For example the company Diamond Foundry makes cultivated diamonds. I know and you should know that diamonds are bullshit but most chicks have been brainwashed and marketed into loving them anyway. Diamond Foundry will sell necklaces with real gold and real diamonds far cheaper than conventional jewelers. If you know a guy in the jewelry business (I do), he may also be able to help you buy pre-owned necklaces, which are far cheaper than new ones. Don’t go this route unless you have a trusted expert, however, as there is probably no industry except modeling that is more lie-filled than jewelry.
Ignore the above if you’re short of cash. If you have lots of cash, consider it.
Vibrators and other sex toys also make good gifts.
Anyway, a guy who delivers a little bit of comfort you will set yourself off from most player assholes. The key phrase is “a little bit.” One of the commenters to my earlier post said,
Shit Test – Too little masculine polarity.
Comfort Test – Too much masculine polarity.
Well-stated. I have been both and while you should err towards too much masculine polarity, you can overdo it. I have, and I made women pointlessly suffer by being too aloof. I’ve also made women drop off far faster than they would have otherwise.
If you are like me, you might get over your initial challenges and then decide that you’re too badass to deal with her feelings or to deign to remember birthdays or holidays.
This will both make her feel bad (as well as used) and reduce your performance. A couple dollars, a box, and an air of mystery will go a long way. A little comfort also goes a long way and you should be 80 – 90% aloof, mysterious asshole, but that tenderness will up your game. There is a good book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, that uses the term “Tender Defender” for what women want and like. They want a guy who isn’t a p***y but who isn’t mean to them. When I was younger I went through phases where I was like, “I’m so fucking hard, I’m the boss, I don’t do fucking Valentine’s day,” dumb shit like that. That was a slightly better stance than giving girls I hadn’t fucked flowers in public… but it wasn’t ideal either.
If a girl is investing emotionally in a guy, she may start testing him for comfort, as she doesn’t want to invest deeply in a guy who is going to hurt her or who just wants t ouse her for sex. Contrary to what some pickup guys say, girls DO get very emotionally invested in a guy… just a very small subset of guys who she picks to get emotionally invested in. Once she’s become invested in a guy, she wants to protect herself, and she’ll do that by testing to see if the guy is invested in her as well. That’s the comfort test. If you don’t comfort her when she needs comfort, she will disengage and bitterly call you a “player” or “fuck boy” or similar.
(Adapted from a previous version, [Intermediate to advanced game] Valentine’s Day is coming up. That can be a comfort test. Similar ideas apply to Christmas and Valentine’s Day. I was listening to the Torero podcast on contrasts and realized I should update.)
13 thoughts on “The holidays are coming up: shit tests, comfort tests, and gifts [intermediate and above]”
Great post and completely agree with everything you’ve shared. Never thought about how barebacking increases her bond to you on top of what regular orgasms do, but that makes sense.
One other big element to retention is creating shared experiences. The girls in my rotation may only see me once a week and not get a lot of texting from me, but when we get together in addition to good sex and orgasm I bring them in to the types of experiences I like to do (concerts, dancing, riding motorcycles, drugs, events, etc). These are things I’d do anyway and I don’t spend much money doing them, but it’s more fun bringing along one of my girls and I find the variety of experiences helps the bond and retention.
I think it’s also important to mix it all up. So if we do molly at a rave one week the next week maybe we chill at my place and enjoy the sun at a park.
Keep up the great content.
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Keep up the great content.
Thanks, but I will probably quit writing here at some point. In some ways I’m tired of the game, yet I also can’t imagine myself “settling down.” I’m also not getting paid for any of this, so I’m sure when I get tired of writing stories I will stop.
Medium to long term, I don’t know what this means for me. That’s part of what I’m trying to figure out right now.
Sorry to see that but totally understandable. Regular posting is hard work.
In terms of being tired of the game I’m sure you know there’s really no leaving it until we die. That said, I think a good approach for older men tired of the churn is to have an open relationship with a main woman, where you have the occasional fuck buddy on the side.
That seems to be working for blackdragon who I respect a lot: http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2017/09/04/qa-today-ask-blackdragons-girlfriend-anything/
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@Magnum, I have a pretty good system in that I only write lengthier posts when I’m “between” other tasks and have 10 – 30 minutes available. I try to convert dead time into something useful. I also think that I’ll eventually run out of things to talk about.
The Blackdragon post is good, but in my experience most women have an internal, unspoken timeline that requires “moving up.” From regular sex partners to being an official boyfriend to moving in to, sometimes, getting married. Not every woman, but a whole lot of them. Most players encounter this. I think Krauser and Tom Torero write about it. Most women want financial subsidies from men and need to move in with a man to get them.
To be sure, it’s possible to find women who will do long-term open, non-cohabitating relationships. It’s just very hard. And I’m not the easiest guy, in a lot of ways. I’m demanding and particular. Women who like being led in the beginning often come to dislike being led.
And there are many other things I could write here, but I’ll lead it there.