I take it back: I think I have to cut her loose

I mentioned a long-term lover in the context of recurring revenue,

One of them I like a lot for sex, but I’m thinking about ending it with her because she’s too unstable in some ways. She hates her job yet can’t seem to get out of it. She’s on a bunch of prescription drugs, including one that’s supposed to be a short-term drug, but she’s been on it for years (I don’t know what the fuck is the matter with her doctor).

But, on the other hand, she’s bisexual and a very reliable threesome partner. If she says she’s going to be somewhere, she goes there. We’ve had numerous threesomes and foursomes together because she’s so sexually uninhibited.

And then I followed-up,

a functional, attractive bi chick who shows up and likes to hookup with both girls and other couples… that’s rare. However much the drugs and some other aspects of her personality bug me, when I re-read what I wrote, I think, “Why formally break it off? We can see what happens.”

Last night, I met this girl for a typical, one-on-one sex date… and she didn’t want to have sex! Second time this has happened in recent memory. She lives not so far from me, but not that close either. Some aspects of her personality I like a lot, but others I find irritating. If we’re having good sex, the irritation fades and the bad things are tolerable or unnoticeable. If we’re not having sex, they’re foregrounded. She (apparently?) wasn’t on one or two of her meds, and that affected her. In which case, why didn’t she cancel? One possible, logical answer is that she sees me as a friend at least as much as a lover.

Any experienced guy who reads the preceding sentence should be hearing horror movie music. The moment you realize the girl may see you as too much of a friend is like watching someone go into the house where the killer waits with a knife.

She’s much younger than me, in her mid-20s, though she goes for much older guys. In my view she is getting too old to behave this way, or to be on drugs like she is. Sometimes she reads as older and more mature than she is, and sometimes she reads as having the psychology of a 14 year old. I’m re-reading what I said about her before, and the word “reliable” pops out to me, cause she’s gone from being reliable (a very desirable trait), to being unreliable… which means it’s probably time to let her go.

In writing this post, I’m also thinking about how few players write about ending it. There’s a lot written about openings, about overcoming anxiety, about the mid-game, about the number of dates and ideal venues, about closing, about sex. There is some written about retention, about being 85% “alpha” (not my favorite word) and 15% “beta” (also not my favorite word) in a relationship. There’s little written about having a chick more into you than you are into her and how to cut her loose. I think this girl is more into me because I stopped initiating contact with her a while ago, but when she initiates with me, I often respond. In that sense, I may have assumed the typical girl role, but in this very specific instance it’s a role I’m okay with. Was okay with, I should say, cause I’m not anymore.

Most often, when I’m ending it with a girl, I prefer to talk to her face to face or, if necessary, on the phone. I like to say directly to her that I like her but think we are not compatible. I like to wish her well and encourage her to be her best self. In person or on the phone allows much greater tone control than text messages do… texts are too damn easy to misinterpret. I’ll also get something closer to her authentic reaction when I do it in person. I think ghosting is a pervasive social cancer and it is bad for the person ghosting and the person being ghosted. In some situations it may be warranted, but most of the time it’s bad and you shouldn’t do, even if girls do it to you… a girl who ghosts you is communicating something deeply negative about herself.

Back to the girl I’m referencing: I basically know her too well and am too close to being or becoming one of her girlfriends. I liked her a lot better at the beginning, when she was mysterious and sexy, and much less now, when she is a mess. (I wonder: could she say something similar about me?)

One funny fact about her: at some point this couple I know, and she knows tangentially through me, who are in some kind of poly relationship, had a kid. They live in a house with other open relationship people and their kid. No word on a DNA test and I don’t know them that well. The guy is pretty cool, the chick is annoying and overweight… a deadly combination. Don’t know why the guy is with her, as he can do much better.

So at some point myself and the cut-her-loose girl and I were talking about it and I said, “I would never, ever raise a kid that isn’t mine.” (Not from birth, at least… I could imagine maybe some scenarios, though they’re pretty unlikely and far from where I am now). She asked, “Why not?” and I told her. She eventually said she could imagine having kids and living in a triad or a poly house (she was in a triad at the time, although she’s in the 5% of people who identify as poly but are actually attractive). Again, mentally, I was like, “You are so fucking far away from being able to have a kid. She finds it hard to find and maintain a boyfriend or primary partner. It’s obvious to me, now, why. From afar she seems mysterious, quiet, well-put-together, and wildly sexual. From up close, she seems distracted, confused, uncertain, and aimless. Most guys with anything going for them are going to like the sex, next the rest.

She is nice in some ways but her drugs are f**king her up and her financial life is a disaster. She’s also alienated from her family for reasons that seem partially justified and partially not. When a person cannot get along with their family, that is a very bad sign, too (you might see a theme in this post about bad signs). A woman (or man) can have a few bad signs and still be good, but as the bad signs pile up, the likelihood of being good drops and drops. I’m sure I display some bad signs to girls. With this girl, being alienated from your family can be justified…I have met normal people with awful families, and your family background is not destiny, but, combined with other signals, it’s not good.

My weekend goal was to not go out, but I went out last night to see this girl. I was only there for about an hour, and she seemed surprised by how quickly I wanted to leave… why hang out without sex? The psychic energy and night seemed wasted. At yoga this morning I thought about writing this post instead of focusing on the moment and movements. Minor things, but things. Today is also shaping up to be more social than I thought it would. Not a problem, but it is true.