“Verbalizing Nonmonogamy Right Up Front”

Verbalizing Nonmonogamy Right Up Front” is an interesting post from Black Dragon, who appears to be the only other guy writing about how to incorporate open relationships into game. I haven’t done online dating for a while, and when I did, I never wrote explicitly about polyamory, as this guy does:

Makes my profile clearly unique. They contact me because they want to know about polyamory. I’m suddenly not a random profile on the website, I may be the only one stating my polyamourous lifestyle (appart from OkCupid, I don’t think many dating sites allow you to show your nonmonogamous lifestyle, and OkCupid is not much important in France).

That’s an interesting perspective and it might work. When I did online dating, I experimented with a generic “good looking adventure guy” type profile, which usually consisted of one or two activity shots (motorcycle, pools/beaches, that kind of thing), one headshot, one party or group shot, and one or two shirtless pics. Pretty standard online dating things for guys with something going for them. I also experimented with kink and BDSM-themed pics: rope, paddles, cuffs, that kind of thing, in pictures. That also made my response rate decline substantially. That’s similar to what commenter Paul experienced:

My response rate crumbled to 5% (0% amongst women my age). But two gals contacted me, and showed interest in polyamory as soon as they opened their online mouth (in France, it’s not as big as it is in the US). One told me she considers MLTR to be some ideal relationship. The other one just crave for air in monogamous relationships (in my opinion, she should really consider polyamory as a lifestyle).

But the chicks who did go for me, were usually really into me. And there’s heavy overlap between kink and non-monogamy.

The big downside I experienced was in terms of quality. A lot of heavy chicks are into kink and BDSM. I don’t know if that’s because they can’t get high-status guys through normal means, or if they’re more open about it, or what. I did find some hot chicks through some kink and BDSM-themed pics, but those pics seemed to lock me out of the highest tier of chicks and seemed to suck up some of the lower-tier chicks.

There were fewer flakes, time-wasters, etc. Not zero, but fewer. So I’m not sure what to infer from this. It’s also hard to draw conclusions because the online dating world moves so fast. Things that were true ten years ago stopped being true five years ago. Things that were true five years ago may not be true today. For example, I got on Tinder when it was quite new. Maybe in 2012 or 2013? Definitely before it was mainstream. I heard about it from college-age people, and when it first came out I would go to a college campus and get numerous matches. It was like fishing for salmon in a pristine stream. I’d stand by the side of the stream and spear chicks as they swam by. Young chicks who wouldn’t touch other online dating systems would try Tinder, “Just for fun.” I was older than most guys on it, which worked in my favor among chicks who like older guys.

Eventually I found someone I liked, dated her for a while, and by the time I tried Tinder for real again it was not anything like it had been. Today, it seems like verbalizing non-monogamy in the profile could have interesting consequences, for the reasons the writer lists.

I also can’t tell if we’ve seen a genuine cultural shift towards explicit non-monogamy. If we have, I have been a small part of that shift. Since I met Libido Girl, pretty much every chick I’ve been with for a substantial period of time I’ve introduced or tried to introduce to the sex club scene. I learned to give them the typical books, like More Than Two and The Ethical Slut. Both books are extremely blue pill and unaware of key differences between men and women, but they are fine places to start.

Today there are more chick-friendly books like Slutever. Whatever the player uses, it’s helpful to try and make the chick’s forebrain agree with her hypergamous hindbrain. Chicks also often infer higher status for a guy who is willing to risk losing them through sex with other people. I think chicks think, “Why is he not trying to monopolize me, like all the other guys do?”

I haven’t kept track of how many chicks I’ve introduced or tried to introduce to non-monogamy, but it has to be at least 20. Conceivably as many as 40 or 45, over ten or so years.

I don’t have much of a point with this post, apart from thinking out loud about what contemporary players might be doing. If you’ve attempted to verbalize nonmonogamy in your dating app life, leave a comment about your experiences.

It also looks like BD is doing some kind of seminar in Vegas. I was wondering about this the other day: is any player living in and writing about being a player in Vegas? From the outside it looks like a great place for a player: lots of tourists looking to party and an easy stroll along the Strip for cold approach. Cost of living is low, which gives it a leg up over LA or NYC. If I were a young guy with a location-independent job, I’d be looking at Vegas. NYC is probably the top city for game, but it is so expensive that I worry most guys will have to work all the time to survive there.

When the problem is not the problem

Remember the girl I had to cut loose? I got a text from her saying that her roommate moved out without telling her, and that she’s looking for someone, almost anyone, to fill her place. While she doesn’t live in a terrible location, she doesn’t live in a great one, either, and in my view is likely overpaying for her apartment. This girl also has a bunch of self-imposed financial problems that make no sense, but she’s a girl and doesn’t know shit about money, even the obvious parts of money, like “spend less than you earn.” She has an okay job, although she should have left it at least a year ago. Remember that in modern corporate America, you should probably be changing jobs every 18 – 24 months, contrary to what your parents and older relatives may tell you.

The problem with her (I’ll call her Roommate Girl) is not the roommate who suddenly moved out without warning. It’s her. And she’s not addressing her core problems, psychological, financial or otherwise. While many of her problems are superficially external and outside of her control (she cannot control another girl), the root of Roommate Girl’s problems are within. Her drug issue, which affects the rest of her life, despite the fact that the drug is prescribed. Her doctrinaire, New York Times feminism, which I find one of her least attractive traits despite me mostly ignoring it, comes from inside her. There are other problems too. She went to an expensive college and took out student loans to pay for it.

Before you think this is about women, it’s not. It’s about guys, too, because most of them have the same issues as Roommate Girl. They externalize problems that exist within them. That’s one reason, a major reason, most guys do poorly with women. For a lot of guys, game starts as a set of superficial tricks to get laid. But if a guy does it to fullness, it becomes a total psychological and often physical revolution. For a lot of guys who don’t come in with a strong personality, it’s necessary to fix everything. That is the Krauser point in reveal vs. restructure, a post I keep linking to because it is very good. When a guy’s internal psychology and external actions are wise and congruent, game doesn’t become easy, necessarily. I don’t think it’s ever been easy for me, and I’m rocking a lot of advantages that most guys who write about game aren’t. But getting laid comes, if not easily, then much more directly than it does otherwise. Having one chick or a group of chicks on hand also makes getting the next one easier.

All the problems in a person’s life are typically linked together. Often, those problems have their roots in childhood. Being an adult means taking responsibility for problems that you yourself may not have caused. Roommate Girl has failed to do that and as a result she is suffering from many disparate problems that seem unrelated but start inside her.

These kinds of people often don’t reveal themselves at first glance. Roommate Girl presents extremely well. She intimidates a lot of men. As I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve seen through the facade. Her longest relationship lasted three years, and I don’t know how it lasted that long. I suspect the guy was a pretty weak and dramatic beta dude. Whatever the case, I feel bad for Roommate Girl, but she is also not the kind of person who is going to figure herself out.

The sex tape thing, and being weird

I get some weird sense of achievement from making sex tapes. Don’t ask me why: I can do some bogus, hand-wavy psychoanalysis that won’t mean shit. Let’s just leave it at, “I like doing it and feel a sense of achievement when I do.” Kind of weird, but probably not more weird than many things guys feel (and won’t admit). A guy who gets deeply interested in seduction and self-improvement is by definition somewhat weird.

Most contemporary women will go for making sex tapes, too. As usual with women, the key is just to treat it as normal. Don’t really ask, just do it (the power of defaults). If she balks, say that you think she’s better than porn and are turned on by her naked body. But like I said, usually it’s better to just do it. Not the first time, unless you think she’s an exhibitionist, but maybe the second or third time. Many chicks have a fantasy about being the center of attention, and being on a sex tape feeds that desire.

It’s just a “thing” I do. Think of this as another non-mainstream thing. Mainstream guys:

* Are fat.
* Underperform in their sex lives.
* Have no women or maybe one woman.
* Never want to ask if their woman will cheat on them. They fear the answer.
* Never want to think about their one woman leaving them (if she does, where will he find another?).
* Feel frustrated by their lives, or worse, don’t.
* Watch a lot of TV.
* Play a lot of video games.
* Form their identity around the shit they buy and the sports teams they watch.

I…

* Am not fat.
* Perform pretty well in my sex life (overall… some guys do far better than me… but I have done fine and am doing fine).
* Read.
* Write elaborate pieces online explaining my life and psyche.
* Like making sex tapes.
* Have learned basics of video editing and color corrections.
* Actively practice diverse skills.
* Seek out new experiences.
* Encourage chicks to share their “dark” secrets with me.
* Like sex clubs.

So “I like to make sex tapes” is in some ways part of a suite of weird stuff I’m into.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it, and I have many of my own demons, though I may not emphasize them… picking out “one weird thing” about me is kind of pointless, when there are many weird things about me. And there are probably many weird things about most guys who get deeply into the game, because normal guys don’t go deep on the game… or much of anything.

What’s the “normal” guy thing to do? Get drunk and rely on alcohol to find chicks. Rely on luck. Rely on friends-of-friends to get dates. Be super polite to chicks, or nervous around them, both of which are turn-offs. Get married by the late 20s to one chick, who then gets fat pretty quickly. Attempt online dating half-heartedly and get discouraged by rejection. Play 10+ hours of video games a week. It’s very challenging and unlikely to be a top performer in video games and a top performer with women.

Guys who do pickup work systematically on the process to improve every part of it. That’s a really weird thing to do. So I’d guess that, yes, pickup artists are weird, but if they weren’t weird, they’d drastically underperform in their sex lives.

“I choose just men.”

This article is a fine example of why men shouldn’t get married, but I want to focus just on this:

I take a long pause when the app asks if I’m interested in men, women, or both. Loaded question. I’ve always loved women, but men are so easy. I choose just men.

I have met many, many bisexual, bicurious, heteroflexible, and experimental girls. Almost all acknowledge that dating women is a much bigger pain in the ass than dating men. The activation energy required for seducing and dating women is so high that almost all default to dating men, because it’s easier and more pleasant for the chick.

Imagine the flightiness and indecisiveness of one chick. Then multiply it by two. And that is part of the reason there are very few true lesbians in the world. They literally cannot make the first move, schedule, escalate, and handle logistics. Typical chicks are used to guys handling all that stuff. Even if two chicks want each other, nothing often happens because neither will make the first move. Both want it to “just happen.”

In the real world, guys learn that things that “just happen” happen because the guy makes it happen.

This is part of the reason bi-curious chicks are thrilled when they meet a guy who doesn’t judge them for being bi-curious and can help them setup threesomes or rendezvouses with other chicks. Most chicks are too inept to do that, even if they desire it, and, even if they manage a short-term thing, they cannot handle dating other chicks. Guys who decide and execute things are better.

Some of the most hilarious conversations I’ve had with chicks happen when some chick ghosts or flames out or disappears, then rediscovers me with another chick. If one says no, it’s on to the next one. I don’t think most guys have learned to operate that way.

Have you ever heard chicks complain about how “there is no porn for women?” Then I ask, “Okay, why don’t you go make some?” She looks confused. Is he even speaking my language?

No, I’m not (deliberately). She’s complaining, not proposing a solution. Her job is to complain, so that maybe a guy will fix it.

Every time I read someone, usually a chick but sometimes a blue-pill guy, lament about how few female entrepreneurs there are, I’m like, “Have you tried dating women? That will show you everything you need to know.”

There is a decent amount of learning about female psychology that happens in the game. I’m not complaining about it, mind. I’m just describing what is. It’s like describing the tactical ascent on a mountain. It’s not complaining to describe the route or the challenges, but it is telling everyone what gear they need and what to expect. The unprepared will suffer. Evolutionary biology underlies game and female evolutionary biology dictates that chicks will find a guy to knock them up and that they should test guys for fitness. Thus, flightiness, uncertainty, moving back and forth, evaluating various offers, etc. If she fucks up with one guy, no worries, as another will be along shortly.

The only way to circumvent that thinking is for her to know a guy has other offers, and that if she doesn’t move on him, another chick will. Put two chicks together and this dynamic goes away.

After yoga tonight, I was chatting with this slender girl with a nice big ass. I’ve never seen her at my studio before. She was polite but also distant. Distant enough for me to not pursue. On the way home I spotted a hot blonde in workout clothes. I stopped her, got her AirPods out, and started in with something about style and dedication for working out after work. She said, “No” and kept walking. Totally blank. I lose far more than I win, though I don’t write much about the “no,” either hard or soft, because they are less interesting than the “yes.”

“When was the last time you were tied up?”

It’s a favorite date question, though not one that should be used in the first half hour to forty minutes. Unless you have a freaky yes-girl. It can be used as an hour-long, first-date spike, sprinkled amid non-sexual topics.

Often it should be framed as, “Tell me about the last time you were tied up.”

Notice the phrasing: “When was the last time” or “Tell me about the last time” assumes that it’s happened before and that it’s normal. As opposed to, “Have you ever been tied up before?”

I should make a list of favorite date questions and pseudo-questions. I never have, but many of them recur. “Tell me about your peak experiences” is another.

If the chick says she’s never been tied up, look at her quizzically and pityingly and say, “That’s weird. Never? How old are you again?”

I think this (usually) works for me because it starts to make her qualify to me, and if she says she’s never done it, she gets to thinking about why she never has. Does she not inspire enough lust and creativity in men? Is it something else? Has she always dated inexperienced losers?

Or do I just like freaky yes-girls?

I know less about why things work than that they (sometimes) work.

“Author Robin Rinaldi’s open marriage experiment ends in divorce and a memoir”

I’m on the record recommending that men not marry. I’m also on the record recommending sex clubs and open relationships as part of a guy’s game repertoire. But if a guy is going to ignore my advice about marriage, he should also avoid sex clubs. Sex clubs and partner swapping is great in a low-stakes relationship. Chicks don’t respect relationships or monogamy today anyway, so leveraging a hot chick in order to more easily have sex with other hot chicks makes sense.

In a marriage, however, the woman holds all the cards because she can easily divorce a man and take half his assets and a fair amount of his money going forward. Marriage gives a woman all the leverage and leaves a man with none. “Author Robin Rinaldi’s open marriage experiment ends in divorce and a memoir” is a demonstration of why a married man should not do open relationships:

So began the San Francisco magazine writer’s year of living lustfully. Week nights, she rendezvoused with lovers at her downtown apartment or at a coed commune dedicated to sexual expression. Weekends she spent cozily at home with her husband, a man she loved and had been with for 18 years.

Granted, in this case, they would have divorced eventually anyway. I’m not going to analyze the whole piece through an evolutionary biology, Red Pill lens (the many Red Pill elements are obvious), but I’m going to leave it here as an example of the hazards a man faces in a contemporary marriage.

To my mind, a man who wants kids today should just pick a woman, have kids with her, and get the kids DNA tested. She may eventually leave and sue for child support, which sucks, but it’s better to pay only child support, instead of child support AND alimony.

You know what’s funny?

Guys with ugly girlfriends or wives rhapsodizing about love and romance. Telling other guys what to do and how it is.

It’s like, dude, get your own house in order before you tell other people what to do.

This happened yesterday… I didn’t laugh at him, but I wanted to.

I’ve run into a couple chicks who have said things to me like, “I don’t do this. I don’t do things like this” (I’m thinking of one in particular, from years ago, who said that to me in a couple different contexts.) It’s like… you’re here… you’re bent over and doing what I tell or show you to do… so yes… you do things like this.

Which we both know.

I think it’s just a female psychological defense mechanism. Which makes it even worse when guys do it.

I wish I’d written down more of the many bizarre and hilarious things chicks have told me over the years. Sometimes it pops into mind, unbidden, and if I don’t write it down, I forget about it. At the time I was determined to focus on career, which was the right choice, but I’ve lost a lot of the fine details over time.