“How to deal with rejection.”

How to deal with rejection.” A common query. I think we’re evolutionarily evolved to take rejection hard, likely because we evolved primarily in bands of somewhere between a few dozen and up to 150 people. In that environment, rejection by an attractive female could be brutal and perhaps end a guy’s reproductive career.

In the modern environment, guys who learn to overcome rejection (and overcome their natural instincts in this regard) will have a much better shot at tagging loads of chicks. This is an example of using the intellect to overcome the emotions.

High school and college are a little more like the ancestral environment, where networks matter more and cold approach pickup can be social death. In the big city environment, though, 100 rejections via cold approach pickup are a nullity in a guy’s life.

Feedback request: What do you want to see in a book about non-monogamy and players?

Feedback request: What do you want to see in a book about non-monogamy and players?

I have been talking with some of you in email and on Twitter about putting a (free) one together, based on some of the posts I’ve been writing. It’s my comparative advantage over other guys writing about the game. Other guys have better cold approach skills (and writing about how to develop them), better night-game skills, elaborate systems for online dating, long memoirs recounting their exploits, etc. In the sidebar I link to many of those guys and recommend you read them.

The only place that I feel I’m ahead of almost anyone else is regarding non-monogamy, especially as a retention tool, and group sex. Black Dragon is writing about non-monogamy but less about sex clubs. That’s my comparative advantage and even after writing about non-monogamy for a year or more I have not seen many other players writing about this.

It is completely reasonable that some players will not be interested in this and will stick to threesomes, etc. But I think there are guys for whom non-monogamy is not on their radar when it should be, in particular as a retention tool. That is why I’m surprised more guys haven’t tried it, particularly with young hot novelty-seeking girls or girls who ask, “Where is this going?”

Leave your comments about what else you’d like to see.

Some of the pieces I have already written are listed.

More on Ms. Slav

Interesting things from Ms. Slav (and a post that is almost perfectly opposite to the preceding one):

* She says she prefers experiences to wealth, and that most people in her home country are materialistic, boring, and obsessed with money. I tried to tell her that the extent to which people focus on pleasure and high-order things depends on a country’s economic development. When people fail economically in the United States, the social safety net catches them, and almost no one starves to death (this is part of the reason guys should specialize more in game and lifting and being hot than being a provider-guy: chicks don’t need provider guys, mostly). It’s possible for almost anyone to survive by getting a retail job somewhere, doing something. For people in less-developed countries, failure can lead towards death or a level of poverty almost unknown in the United States.

Being indifferent to wealth, even superficially, is much better than being a spoiled rich girl. I’m describing Ms. Slav, not whining about her. If she were a typical spoiled rich girl I would likely not get along with her.

* Ms. Slav says one of her relatives is among the richest men in her country. Based on what I’ve seen of her, I believe it. She’s rich but prefers not to overtly flaunt it or talk about it. I believe she doesn’t like talking about it, but she almost can’t help but flaunt it, through her clothes. The things she says and does scream, “Money.” When I was her age I worked a fairly typical job and had nothing like the things she’s had or the experiences she’s had. I wasn’t poor, but her family has only a “small” yacht. She lives in a different world than normal people. Including me.

* Her friend, the one she was staying with previously, wants to watch us have sex. The friend is not that attractive, but whatever, I’m down.

* I think I wrote this previously, but she says she’s not been really dominated by a man. I find this a little hard to believe, but it could be true. She seems to have had more experiences with women than men. I’ve now spanked her very, very hard (after extensive warm up), and she said she loved it. She also says she loved being at the party and being dominated there, and that was the hardest she’d ever climaxed. Is it true or flattery? I’d give it 50/50.

* She says she doesn’t feel sexual jealousy. We’ll see about that one. She has an ex she says her parents like and she doesn’t, and she says she keeps denying him. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’d give it 70/30. I told her I’d do a three-way with him.

* She admitted in writing to a sexual fantasy that shocked even me. I’m pretty depraved. Not as depraved as her. I like encouraging chicks to share their fantasies with me.

* We met another one of her friends, who is also quite young and who told Ms. Slav she is depressed, but she also told Ms. Slav that she is interested in sex parties. The friend showed up an hour late to our meetup, just before Ms. Slav and I needed to leave. Ms. Slav’s friend is a classic example of, “When the problem is not the problem.” The friend couldn’t be bothered to show up on time, so we didn’t get to talk about sex positivity and how to find the sex-positive community, and she’s depressed because she can’t connect properly to people, and she can’t connect to people because she doesn’t do simple things like… show up on time. In person she was pretty but underwhelming, unlike the Instagram pic Ms. Slav showed me. In the right circumstances I’d sleep with the friend or have a threesome with her, but she’s not worth pursuing. She is her own greatest problem. A lot of chicks have this issue. Some guys do too, but I don’t try to fuck guys, so I don’t care as much about that.

I’ve written in places about how incoherent a lot of women are. Guys can spend hours and hours on the Internet trying to analyze behavior that is often random. There is no explanation. Good Looking Loser is the first guy I read who emphasized this fact (be careful on his website, because he’s now pimping bogus supplements… don’t fall for that shit). There seems to be a rand() function in female psychology. Endlessly micro-analyzing an individual situation is often unproductive, because the answer is often “she doesn’t like you enough” or “she wasn’t actually available at that time” or “she just couldn’t get it together.” Ms. Slav said her friend was really looking forward to the meeting but that the friend also checked the time and place three times. I’m sure the friend has also jumped guys within 10 minutes of meeting them. What’s the difference? It’s just the friend being random. Take natural female changes due to time of month, add the random function, and you get situations that are immune to logical male analysis.

Young players need to understand this. I did not properly appreciate it when I was younger.

* Ms. Slav continues to be on time. She has her own life and seems to be fine with pursuing her own projects when I’m not around. Refreshing!

* I wish I’d been writing down all the batshit, bonkers things women have said to me over the years. I see how women are portrayed in the media and in film, then I think to my real life and see the wide gulf between them.

* Still no IUD from Ms. Slav. Am pushing that angle. I’m still not as excited about her as I really ought to be.

* The vast majority of women want to be seduced. The word “seduced” is important because it implies that she has no agency or choice in the matter. Women believe they are child-like and thus want to have whatever control they have stripped.

Why players get out of the game

It’s not the post’s title but it is a title.

I don’t think there’s a definitive length of time an individual guy “should” be a player. That length will vary by guy. Male peak sexual market value (SMV) also tends to peak much later than female SMV. A forty-year-old woman is on the verge of infertility while a forty-year-old man remains potent and in some ways likely more desirable than he was at 28. Given enough time, however, everyone’s SMV declines to zero. Mortality’s reminders probably drive more men off the game than anything else. Look at most guys age 50+… their families and especially children seem to provide much more meaning and significance than banging the latest hottie. That doesn’t mean a guy should turn 40 and quit. But it is worth looking at people throughout the age spectrum and contemplating what will matter at age 50 or 60.

For most 20-year-old guys, everything above is immaterial: “Who at 20 would understand the world through the same lens as a 40 year old man just because they share a common pastime?” When I was 20 I thought knocking off skirt would be the be-all, end-all for my entire life. Now I am not so sure, and I have a “rambling” category on this blog describing those feelings.

It’s also possible to try co-parenting or similar arrangements, giving space for a family and for skirt-chasing. I don’t personally know any guys who have consciously done this effectively, but many divorced guys end up co-parenting by default.

If a guy eventually does want a longer-term relationship, the older he is, the older the chick has to be. Very few people are going to be in sustainable relationships with someone 15 or 20 years their junior. It’s not impossible, it’s just very unlikely.

Read the comments thread as well. Nash appears, which means epic and interesting comments. The comments on this one are as useful as the post.

Cause things change

I have an acquittance (not really a friend, exactly, but a friend of friends) who is one of those travel bores, forever flying somewhere and then telling everyone about her trip. But last time I saw her she was complaining about how it was harder to connect to people, how her “friends” flaked on her much more frequently, fewer people wanted to meet, etc. She attributes this to greater rudeness and the spread of social media.

I have a different explanation. She’s reaching into her late 30s now. She’s never been hot but was okay… I’ve definitely done worse. I’m not a fan of the concept of “the wall,” but she has hit it. Is hitting it. Suddenly, the ease with which she traveled is going down, because a lot of guys who used to grease the skids for her aren’t doing it anymore. Or they’re willing to do less for the same output. But she can’t figure out why. Or she chooses not to think about why.

She also has a long, complicated story about why things didn’t work out with “the love of her life,” which isn’t complicated. Now she’s older, has no real career, and maybe she’ll keep doing the travel thing. We’ll see where it gets her, in the end.

Really, really, don’t get married–take it from a woman

I spoke of Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, last year, but I was looking at it again after recommending it to a friend. Somehow I missed this the first time through:

Danica is hardly the first woman who shuts down at home and wakes up outside. Hers is archetypal tale of the muting of eros. I see women like her all the time—usually dragged into therapy by their frustrated husbands who are tired of being rejected, night after night. The typical complaint is: she is totally absorbed with the kids and has zero interest in sex. But it’s these very same women, I’ve found, who “come alive” in a completely unexpected romance.

Many men struggle to understand how the woman who can’t be bothered in the marital bed is suddenly having a torrid affair in which she just can’t get enough. For years, they’ve been thinking she’s just not interested in sex, period; now, with new evidence in hand, they reconsider—”she must not be interested in sex with me.”

For men, the reasons women behave this way is less important than the takeaway: don’t marry. Don’t cohabitate. Have an exit plan if you do anyway.

Seriously. Why would you want to be married to a Danica? I know you don’t believe your precious snowflake will turn into a sexless harpy (around you), while wantonly screwing other dudes, but reality doesn’t care about what you believe.

To a player, this book’s major lesson is, “Hitting on married women is a fine idea.” Hit her up at the right time and see what happens.

You can be the guy she cheats ON or WITH.

Choose.