I went to a party with Ms. Slav on Saturday night, and Ms. Slav was on good behavior. Or she was genuinely interested in hooking up with this chick, which she did for a long time, with me participating for a lot of it. Regardless of motives, things went well. Ms. Slav was more solicitous than she has been. She was a little tired herself, and I was a lot tired… the “tired” came from Home Friend the night before, but I didn’t share that with Ms. Slav. Ms. Slav was also a bit more subdued, and she let herself be led more easily.
Later on, we left and got some food, and then went back to my place. I was ready to crash, but Ms. Slav wanted to chat. She asked me to be her primary partner. And I froze… and then punted… I have seen less of her in the last month than I would like. I asked what makes her ask now, and I told her that I’d been thinking about this exact issue. She said that I’m willing to let her be free and that I’m more reliable than anyone else she’s met. Fuuuuccccckkkkkkk… “reliable” is synonymous with “boring” in girl-speak. Particularly young-girl-speak. Ms. Slav could tell I wasn’t happy with that description, although I tried to hide my initial response, and I didn’t quite want to tell her that “reliable” means “boring,” but I was dancing around that idea some.
We had a long talk about reciprocity and how, from my perspective, she’d been out f**king everyone under the sun… and she said that I would never have met Peaches if not for her (somewhat true, but less than she thinks), and that I should have “checked” with her first. I explained that I hear what she’s saying, but that, again from my perspective, she seems to be splitting hairs.
This is the girl who doesn’t experience jealousy and who opposes drama. Like I said in an earlier post, push hard enough and we’re all hypocrites in some way. Ms. Slav isn’t ready to acknowledge her hypocrisy. I don’t think she can even see it. I think she’s too deep in her own worldview to perceive it. She stuck to her story.
I debated telling her about Home Friend on Friday. I know she won’t like me f**king Home Friend. I know she won’t like finding out that I f**ked Home Friend later. But Ms. Slav is going back to her home country for a couple weeks shortly, and I don’t know what will happen when she returns. I don’t know what I want to happen. The last couple months have been so debauched, like I wonder if this is a kind of last hurrah for this part of my life. But I’ve built up all these skills and connections… there is a part of me that thinks it would almost be a waste to stop now.
I’ve written about this previously, but for a long time my mind was congruent: I love f**king, I like group sex, let’s just do as much as I can, as often as I can, while still maintaining my other duties and responsibilities. Now I’m more ambivalent, more divided, and less sure of what the focus of my life should be. I don’t think it’s an accident that I began writing online around the time I began feeling ambivalent. When my mind was united, I felt less need to share or explain. And my job soaked up pretty much every spare moment and thought. Now my role has changed and I have more time, but maybe more time isn’t so good for me after all. I have been blessed with many extraordinary experiences and opportunities. I will never be one of those people who looks back at their sex life and thinks, “I wish I had had the courage to try this, this, and this.” I have tried it all. For the good, sometimes for the less good. I have learned much. Some of that I am passing on. I wonder who will do what I do, in the next generation. The non-monogamy culture is out there. Players who combine it with game can achieve extraordinary things, as most guys in the scene lack game, and most guys who have decent game do not know about the scene, it seems.
With Ms. Slav, I left the “primary partner” discussion tabled. I think she may leave, and lose interest (time away is deadening for any woman, but especially a fizzy young girl), and by the time she comes back the problem will have solved itself. Ms. Slav thinks we fit well together because I have been superficially less judgmental of her behavior than others have. In reality, I know that chastising girls is largely useless. I know that Ms. Slav is the sort of girl who is going to have to discover principles of reciprocity the hard way. I’m enjoying the ride… I’m not in it for the long term.
Sunday morning she spent a long time going down on me. We went out for coffee. She went home, I went back to my place for a nap. In the afternoon I began writing this pair of posts. I need to get myself back to a more normal, rhythmic schedule. This weekend has been crazy.
9 thoughts on “Ms. Slav party night”
> In the afternoon I began writing this pair of posts. I need to get myself back to a more normal, rhythmic schedule. This weekend has been crazy.
Speaking as one “artist” to another (and I mean as writers, not “PUAs”)… the craziness makes for an interesting mindset from which to create. And writing just after the event makes for better writing.
From a strictly artistic standpoint… what a fertile period for you.
> I have learned much. Some of that I am passing on.
At the level of lessons (for men that want to take action) and entertainment (which is valid too)… you’re making great contributions.
You have a very unique voice, man. For as long as it holds interest for you, I hope you keep going.
It’s been an interesting last six or eight months. Before that, I was seeing Bike Girl, who is much more normal. The last substantial one before her was a very hot girl I met when she was working in a coffee shop… man, that was a while ago, now. She was also too young for me.
If it weren’t for Ms. Slav, and for answering all the questions I’ve seen online, I don’t know that I would’ve been able to put the book together.
I read the Krauser and Tom Torero (yes, him…) memoirs more for entertainment than for lessons. So I’m happy w/ guys getting either. But I most want to reach guys who have basic game skills and who are facing the “Where is this going?” talk problem that all experienced players eventually confront. It is a resolution to the problem of really liking one girl while wanting to bang other chicks.
There is no such thing as a free lunch, however. The cost of doing it exists. I have paid some of the costs.
I dislike the guys (and many women) claiming that it’s possible to routinely get “something for nothing.” There is almost always a cost, somewhere. I’m trying to foreground that cost.
>> She asked me to be her primary partner
>> She said that I’m willing to let her be free and that I’m more reliable than anyone else she’s met.
Can you translate that for me?
If she wants to fuck anyone/everyone, why does she want a “primary” partner. What would that mean (to her)? Is this a sort of arbitrary title that means some kind of “security” for her?
What would actually change?
Most people want “primary” partners for the sake of stability, emotional connection, and priority (that is, if your primary partner wants to see you tonight, you go with them… if you go to a party, you are that person’s date… etc.).
I don’t think she entirely understands what primary partnership entails, or what primary partners do. That’s why she’s surprised by my reaction, and the reaction of others.
A lot of very sexual girls have trouble getting primary partners. I just put this into the book:
Many high-libido women in the scene have trouble getting primary relationships. If they f**k a guy a whole bunch, then ask him to be their primary partner, the guy may figure, “Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?” In addition, some high-libido women have trouble imagining the sexual world of men, where sex is not available on demand, whenever the guy wants it. For an attractive woman age 15 – 35, or realistically 15 – 40 or more, pretty much any straight guy will accept a casual hookup. For men, the world doesn’t work that way.
> We had a long talk about reciprocity
> Ms. Slav is the sort of girl who is going to have to discover principles of reciprocity the hard way
I am also curious for you to say more about what reciprocity means for you.
In this case, I could substitute “restraint” and it would work. But I’m not sure that it what you’re getting at.
Do you mean that if she goes wild, you go wild?
I actually think restraint is something that is missing for you. My guess. That you are obviously into group sex, and non-monogamy, but she is showing a lack of restraint (an immodesty) that is turning you off, or creating distance between you.
“Restraint” is pretty close. But it’s more like being in a team.
Primary partnerships, in theory, offer stability, emotional connection, and priority (that is, if your primary partner wants to see you tonight, you go with them… if you go to a party, you are that person’s date… etc.). Women like primary partners because primary partners will lead the woman, and will prevent predation by other men. Men like a primary partner because it enables them to do couples dating, to get into parties easily, and to have someone with them most nights of the week. As I wrote previously, the primary partnership arrangement works to the extent each person in a couple puts the other person first.
People in primary partnerships usually decide if they’re going to date others one-on-one, or only two-on-two or in groups. Personally, I prefer two-on-two and party arrangements: the one-on-one arrangements are very easy for women (casual sex is easy for women) and harder for men, even men with pretty good game.
If the woman isn’t going to put the man first, the man has little reason to be her “primary” partner getting the leftovers. If a man isn’t going to put the woman first, or is only going to use her to chase sex with other women, she is going to feel lonely and used. Both parties have to reciprocate each other’s affection and reciprocate for each other’s needs. The temptation to defect from this equilibrium is strong, just like defection from traditional relationships is always a temptation.
In the case of Ms. Slav… she has (had?) somewhat de-prioritized me, and I think that she thought for some reason that I would just be available for her whenever the whim strikes her, or that she could find a primary partner with ease. Instead, she is finding out that neither is the case. I have options. I am not automatically available on demand. I will f**k new girls if she not available or is being flakey.
Or she just thought people in the scene are free to f**k whoever they want, whenever they want, however they want. Girls in the scene are welcome to do that. But if they do, they will probably not develop primary relationships. A guy will f**k them till he’s had his fill… or until another girl comes by… etc. There can be something alienating about f**king a different random all the time.