“John Yudkin: the man who tried to warn us about sugar”

John Yudkin: the man who tried to warn us about sugar” is about another hero, a hero on the level of Gary Taubes but less known. Let’s all choose to quit sugar and quit being corpulent.

If you want to be fit, it also helps to learn how to cook. Most chicks, like most people in general, don’t know how to cook and so default to sugar-laden takeout and pre-packaged food. We can do better. Most chicks also default to doing whatever you do, so if you make food without sugar in it, most chicks will default to that. This is a component of leadership.

Ms. Slav likes to cook, and that is a substantial marker in her favor.

Art and music event: Ran into that guy again, and other game things

Last night I dragged myself to a kind of art and music insider event (hard to describe it precisely, but it overlaps with the non-monogamy community), and there was… the guy I nicknamed The Bitch,

While we’re talking, the guy who I describe in this story and this one is also there. He turns out to be a bitch, so I’m going to call him The Bitch. The Bitch and I had some rapport before the Ms. Slav thing, but he now hates me. At the party, early on, I nod at him and say hi, and he says nothing back and looks away.

I guess we’re okay now, because we arrived at the same time and had this moment where we were eyeing each other, deciding whether to renew hostilities or not, and I just smiled and treated him normally. So maybe I was overly dramatic in the description. I’m still not a fan of him, but we’re likely to keep running into each other.

The event was way too loud, but I felt like I needed to keep up community status by making an appearance. I furiously hit on a thin, hot chick who had her big tits prominently displayed in a low-cut top; lots of good laughter, banter, etc. but then she denied the number. I went a little more direct in getting it by saying we should get a drink, rather than cloaking intent in future event planning. Later in the night, The Bitch was flirting with her and DID seem to get the number. Not 100% sure, though it seemed like it. Also flirted some with a chick who is pretty new (and hot), though she likes some kind of death metal techno music (don’t recall the specifics of it, but it sounded stupid to me) and I collected the email. Felt a bit on autopilot throughout. Tiredness and previous oversocializing held me back.

I had a break from Ms. Slav while traveling, but the last week has been tiring. I’m a bit socially exhausted and, despite Ms. Slav’s bad behavior, I’d like to keep her in the fold. I’m not sure whether she has an IUD yet or not, but I’m going to keep wrapping it up with her because she is f**king around enough that she is going to have a problem sooner or later. This is not always a popular view online, but I feel like I don’t don’t properly bond with a chick unless we’re bare and I finish in her. I actually think most girls feel similarly.

As for the break, it’s been longer than the traveling… Ms. Slav cancelled a date like an hour before we were supposed to meet, so I went silent for about a week, maybe a little more, then f**ked her right before I left on a trip. It seems like she is now worried about losing me… which is a nice position, but maybe with the wrong girl.

Ms. Slav has a new girlfriend from school, and I would LOVE to get that threesome. But I’m taking it very slowly and circuitously. Less is more. The threesome action w/ Home Friend happened due to patience on my part. Ms. Slav definitively rejected The Bitch in part because of his impatience. He pushed too hard at an event, and that turned her off enough for her to cut him off.

Calibration is such a tricky skill: knowing when to push and when to pull back. Knowing how to leave the girl enough plausible deniability. Knowing how to propose a proposition without it seeming forced. These skills are very hard to articulate. That’s another reason so many online questions from guys are difficult to answer… there is so much calibration and information available from real life, that gets stripped away in online questions and reports. Some of the principles are easy to articulate (raise your value, raise your value delivery mechanism, show your masculinity, think about the law of reciprocation), but getting them appropriately integrated into a given situation… so much tougher. So much more delicate. I think that is why I tend to write long posts, and why I wrote the book… it’s not possible to fully describe what’s happening in a small number of words. Sometimes it is, like when a girl is into you and makes the bang easy, or when a girl isn’t into you and rejects you solidly.

I also hate to sound like a chick, but I am trying to get a little bit more in touch with my own feelings around how I should direct my life. My work life is going pretty well. I’m trying to figure out where my love/sex life should go. Especially as I consider booting up conventional online dating for the first time in a couple years. Non-monogamous online dating has a different set of assumptions embedded in it.

What else… at the yoga studio I go to, a chick with a fiancé (who I met briefly) has been oddly flirty. She’s also a pothead. May try to make a move there. She seems about late 20s / early 30s, low 7. Another chick is much older and moving from student to teacher… I think she’s 40, maybe early 40s, and yet I find myself strangely attracted to her. She’s very slender and a former dancer. Me feeling attracted to her also makes no sense, yet I feel it.

I’ve not had much success at gyms or, recently, yoga studios, in part because I am wary of soiling the atmosphere at places I go regularly and in part because I haven’t, for whatever reason. But there is no intrinsic reason I can discern why this should be so. At yoga studios most people don’t seem to talk to each other, which I find strange… so I make a point of doing chitchat where and when possible. Just little feelers to see who might respond. The pothead responds to them, as does the older woman who is moving into an instructor role.

Come to think of it, that chitchat from the gym did lead to a short bang with a very pretty blonde girl a couple years ago. I should write out that story at some point. I’d mostly forgotten about the girl.

I’m supposed to see Ms. Slav tonight but apart from that I hope to read books and go out for coffee and go to the gym this weekend and not much else.

You only see the tip of the spear

In many lay reports and game stories, you only see the tip of the spear… you see the open, the initial interactions, some dates, and the lay. You (typically) don’t see the numerous hours, days, months, years spent developing the skills necessary to get to the open and the lay.

I say this because I read some guys lamenting how game doesn’t work for them, how they don’t understand why it works for other guys, etc. To take myself as an example, I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent in the gym, at the yoga studio, or playing sports. I haven’t spent very much time on shopping/fashion, but I have spent more time on those things than the median guy (I have heard guys say things like, “I only shop at Costco”). I don’t know how much time I’ve spent working, but it’s a lot of time and seems to be more than average. I spend zero time on video games and very little on TV or social media. Many guys become invested in professional sports… why watch a bunch of millionaires you don’t know, who don’t care about you, doing something that doesn’t matter? The time other guys spend watching millionaires chase one another around a ball, I am at the gym, dating, reading, cooking, going out with friends, etc.

These practices compound over time. A guy who has been doing compound lifts for a year has advantages over guys who have been doing them for a month. A guy who has a consistent work record had advantages over guys who don’t. A guy with a lot of experience with women has advantages with the next woman.

You don’t know how many books I’ve read about women, evolutionary psychology, and desire.

You don’t know how many times I’ve failed.

You don’t know how many times I’ve been frustrated, justifiably or not.

I’m writing all this because I read about a lot of guys who are starting from a super low level. Guys who don’t realize that they are sometimes competing with guys who have spent many years improving themselves and their value delivery mechanisms. If you’re a guy starting from a low place, you may need to spend a lot of time improving yourself, your life, and your value-delivery all at the same time. You cannot get where you want to go without great, effective effort.

(“Effective” effort… a lot of guys seem to put in a lot of ineffective effort, then wonder why things are not working out for them.)

In some ways, I have been working on building and maintaining value since I was a teenager. That’s true in social network terms, in sports/athletics terms, in work terms (I have had some kind of job more or less continuously since I was 16), and in skill terms. If you are an average flabby/overweight guy whose life consists of a boring job followed by fast food, video games, porn, and TV… you may need a complete life overhaul. I’m working with decades of continual effort, and an average guy is probably not going to see results with a week or two of effort. Since I’m not trying to sell a magic self-improvement program that will help you overhaul your life in just one month for a small initial fee of $99, I can say that.

There is no easy way; there is only the hard way. Some guys are reaping dividends from years, sometimes a lifetime, of work. Some guys come from relatively fortunate backgrounds. Some guys don’t. If you come from a shit background, you may have to spend hours, days, months, years attempting to correct.

As a guy, you can start doing things right today, and your efforts may not pay dividends for months or years. But what is the alternative? That you never get where you want to go?

You are competing for young hot chicks. If you don’t want to compete, hunt for older, not-hot chicks, and you will not have to compete as much. This is why sports are so useful for young people, and sometimes older people: they teach you how to compete.

Everyone has struggle. When you are looking at porn, remember that the chick is typically being paid to be there, and that porn caters to the male fantasy of having young hot chicks readily available for NSA sex. Just like romance novels, porn for chicks, caters to the female fantasy of having a top 1% man prove his intense masculinity, then commit to a basic chick (the heroine) for no good reason. Fantasy has its place, I don’t deny that, but if you indulge in too much, you don’t get the feedback you need from reality. The Internet is filled with people, guys and chicks, who have too little reality feedback, or who can’t accept the feedback reality gives them.

Guys who get unhappy that the chicks they want are rejecting them, need to improve their value and value-delivery mechanism (aka game). Chicks who get unhappy about the way guys don’t attend to her at age 35 like they did at age 25 have the same issues… except they can’t improve their value much… call me a feminist, but I feel compassionate towards chicks who mis-use their value. I’ve seen it put this way: imagine you’re handed a million-dollar check at age 18. What would you do with it? Some guys would sensibly invest in an index fund and reap the gains for their lives, most would probably blow it on stupid shit. Hot chicks are basically getting a million-dollar check at age 18.

I don’t know who first came up with that metaphor. It’s incredibly accurate. It is possible to get some normal chicks to behave like porn stars, for an individual guy, but it’s typically a process… a process that we call game… and game is a combination of value + value delivery.

Many guys seem not to realize that attempting game without some underlying value will always be hard. Attempting game that is in no way congruent with a guy’s underlying personality will always be hard. Many guys want fast results and don’t see the failures, the value-building efforts, and the rejection that top guys have, or must take. Women are ruthless in evaluating men and most guys don’t know what women actually like, want, and look for. Most guys want the same type of hot girls, often without building up through lower-value girls. Most guys have spent way too much time watching pornography and TV and way too little time with actual, real-world girls. Real-world girls provide the best educations, educations that can’t be gotten only through reading. The more time spent with real-world girls, especially time spent trying to seduce and f**k them, the better the player will get. Older guys who’ve not put in this time will have problems. Younger guys should be striving to put in this time. These statements are compatible with Female “friends:” the comprehensive statement, if you read both posts carefully and comprehensively. Even time spent with girls who are on the border of attractiveness is better than time spent with phones and TVs.

“I Love My Boyfriend Dearly—but I’m Desperate to Have Sex With Other Men”

I Love My Boyfriend Dearly—but I’m Desperate to Have Sex With Other Men” is a “Don’t get married” classic. Notice that this woman’s plea for infidelity is also being published in a mainstream venue. Giving women permission and encouragement to cheat is now mainstream.

If a guy had written in with the same letter, he would be told that he needs to honorably control his libido. But since it’s a woman writing in, she’s told, “Our bodies have a way of deciding these things for us, even when we think we know better.”

I don’t think guys who get married deserve the financial and legal hellfire that rains on them when they divorce. But at this stage, a guy should really know what he’s signing up for when he is foolish enough to marry a woman.

Many people are attempting to make a lifelong commitment that they cannot or will not keep. Maybe we should all be a little more honest with ourselves.

Slate is running a lot of “Don’t get married” stories. “I Recoil When My Husband Tries to Touch Me” is another. When this woman divorces her husband, she’ll get half of the property he’s accumulated. In what world is that fair? Attention is the only weapon modern men have, and marriage takes it away and incentives the woman to eventually divorce him.

If you are a man and you marry a woman who makes less money than you, you are gambling with huge downside and virtually no upside.

In my view, there are only two kinds of relationships: relationships in which you plan to have children with a woman, and all other kinds of relationships. There are only two scenarios where I can kind of, sort of see the appeal of marrying:

  • You want to have kids with a woman, but she won’t have kids with you unless you marry her first.
  • You want to make sure a woman gets a green card / US citizenship, and marriage is a way to make that happen. Even then, you should go through the pre-nup process and orchestrate a pre-planned divorce sequence with her.

I still think the first strategy is high-risk for limited rewards, but I can at least see the rationale for it. But you still risk becoming the man she recoils from, or the guy sitting at home while she’s desperate to have sex with other men. Doesn’t seem like a good gamble to me.

Guys badly want social media to work. Here’s why it (mostly) doesn’t

Whenever I’m wasting time online, I see some guy asking about using social media to attract women, and sometimes I link him to “Men, game, and social media strategies,” which explains why it’s not likely to work, and then “Attention is the only tool modern men have,” which explains why social media is usually poison to strong game. I finally realized, after way too much time had elapsed, why these questions keep coming up: social media is easier (seeming) than other routes of getting laid. It can make guys feel like they’re making progress towards the getting-laid goal (“Look! I got 5 new followers today, bro!”) when in reality they’re not making real progress. Guys should be looking for the hard, authentic way.

Social media feels good because it’s easy, but it’s easy like soda or McDonald’s: all three are traps that ensnare the unwary. Guys imagine that if they just build an intense enough social network, they will get chicks coming to them, or that chicks will be so impressed with their Instagram stories or whatever that the chicks present for sex. I get it. I like the idea of some hot chick messaging me out of the blue for dates/sex. But in reality social media doesn’t or very rarely leads to lays.

Instead, it leads to frustration, because guys don’t realize that most chicks on social media are passively consuming, and the gap between passive consumption and activity in the real world is wide. A few guys who lead fantastically interesting and photogenic lives and can parlay their already interesting lives into an interesting Instagram feed that feeds on itself. DJs, surfers, some photographers, whatever. For the vast majority of normal guys, though, it’s not going to work. I have an account on most of the social media networks and use it only for one-to-one messaging, or sometimes one-to-many messaging. But I hardly post anything to the “story” or to the main feed. I am better off maintaining a sense of mystery.

Again, I am not saying it’s impossible to leverage social media into lays. For most guys, though, it’s not going to work and focusing on social media is a dodge designed to protect against the sting of real life rejection. If you are serious about getting laid, you are better off learning cold-approach pickup. And the worse people’s real-world social skills become, the more valuable cold-approach pickup becomes.

When you do the conventional social media thing, you waste way too much time. You post a bunch of stuff but it doesn’t add up to much. When a chick checks you out, you read like a basic guy, the kind of guy who is easy to “next.” When you post almost nothing, you can come off as intriguing, particularly if you have a strong in-person connection. In person I say things like, “Given how intense the real world is, isn’t it weird how many people waste their lives staring at their phones?” Things like that. Modern chicks, even the ones who waste their lives staring at their phones, will agree. Even social media addicts know social media is mostly garbage.

Do you need more garbage in your life?

Any minute you spend on social media would be better spent 1. In the gym, 2. Outside meeting chicks in the real world, 3. Making money, 4. Reading books, 5. Developing new skills. But you are tempted by social media because it’s easy.

On social media, you can be directly compared to hundreds, maybe thousands, of other guys, all at once. In the real world, you are usually being compared to zero, one, or at most two other guys. In the real world, you can almost immediately assess whether you’ve got a shot with a chick. If she doesn’t like you, she will walk a way, ask you to leave her alone, say she is not interested, etc.: precisely the things most guys are trying to avoid. Experienced players realize this is actually GOOD, because it gets rid of “no girls” right away.

This explanation is not going to stop guys from asking how to leverage social media, because everyone is looking for an easy way up the mountain. There is no easy way. When you get up the mountain, you realize the folly of seeking the easy way up.

“Bang It Out With Paul Janka” podcast

Bang It Out With Paul Janka” hits many themes I’ve been hitting. You’ve also read about Paul Janka on Nash’s blog.

Some of the podcast is pretty obvious… like, if you want to be a player for your whole life, be a player for your whole life. If you want to have kids, go have kids. There is no right path for everybody.

I see the biggest problem being when young guys (or girls, realistically) try to commit to one woman too early, and without knowing enough about chicks, or when a young guy is totally blinded by lust and pleasure. Then he makes mistakes he pays for later. Janka, Francis, and Torero all says, correctly in my view, that a guy should not be thinking about any sort of long-term relationship before age 30, at the very earliest.

Before that age, he needs to be working on himself, his game, and his career. The first two are really the same thing.

Older guys, really starting in the mid-30s, can think about longer-term projects, like kids.

You will recognize many of the discussion topics if you’ve been reading this blog for a while. But my own desires and needs have been shifting somewhat over time. That seems not to be true of Torero or Francis, so they provide a good counterpoint.

In my own life, I’m still reluctant to give up the non-monogamous world I’ve been involved with for a long time. I have built up a system of sorts, and part of me wants to keep the machine going. Another part of me wants to let it fall apart. Yet I have spent so much time building it up, understanding its pieces, and making it work, that I don’t want to drop it, even though that may be the better path for me. Especially because it is wonderful in many ways but a TERRIBLE place for a medium- or long-term partner. The book may be a capstone for my experiences in the scene.