Asking a girl too many questions, date structure

I’m ambivalent about Blackdragon’s work… some of it is good, and one real player I talk to has learned a lot from him, and BD was talking about being a player and consciously using non-monogamy before anyone else I am aware of. But, to counteract the good, BD was pimping some kind of “alpha male” conference a while ago: the sort of thing I address in Location-independent businesses are rarer than online seminar hucksters would have you believe. Also, no real-life alpha male calls himself an “alpha male…” it’s a total pretender title. This week his post is “First Dates – Let HER Do the Talking.” No link… go find it yourself if you like… it’s an okay post, because, if you get the right chick, then yes, letting her talk is fine. But some chicks… they don’t talk. Or barely at all.

Reasons why are endless. They might not have any personality. Some chicks will also be intimidated by you (a thing newbie guys forget easily). If you approached her, learned about her, asked her on a date, have a real life, etc., she may be more scared of you than you are of her. I have been on dates with chicks who barely talked… I did most of the chatter… I touched their hands… then their arms/shoulders/hair whatever… then we kissed… they came back… and we f**ked. I didn’t do much but talk and then escalate. If you have a girl like that, who gives one-word answers but is also DTF, then the “ask her questions” advice is borderline retarded because she can’t or won’t speak.

There is more calibration needed than the advice gives,

2. Don’t talk unless you’re asking a question.

The person asking the questions is the one controlling the conversation. Therefore, you need to be the one asking the questions. Most of your statements on a first date should end with some kind of question. This will keep her talking and you quiet (hopefully). This applies to online dating as well.

Not necessarily. Sometimes the one asking the questions is just passive. Have you been interviewed by a journalist or by a kid looking for a mentor, people like that? The person asking the questions in those situations is often NOT controlling the conversation. He is giving up value by being interested and showing status to the other person. The person with the status is controlling the power and the conversation. When I see mistakes like this I begin to wonder, “Has the person giving advice been the person with the power? At all? Or is he a bottom guy?” “Bottom guy” is the Yohami/Nash term. Still no Yohami blog from what I can see, which is a damn shame because that guy’s got great shit to say.

Back to talking on dates, let’s go back in time to the early blog posts I wrote… I was looking through them this week… found this one, about how the need for basic game skills is still high. “Like 97% of the date was her talking about super non-sexual stuff, like she would to a girl friend, and the guy listening like he was getting paid to hear this girl’s blather. When a girl talks and it’s a sign of investment, that’s great. If she’s leading because there’s a leadership vacuum that guy isn’t filling, that’s terrible.” The guy in that story was not talking… and also not leading. The girl was having herself a friendly chat, like she would with a eunuch or a girlfriend. Too many questions, or a girl who is happy to have bad chat with zero heat and zero sexual energy, means the guy must redirect the conversation in the sexualized direction he wants it to go. He is better off forcing some heat into the conversation and having the girl say no, than letting her make him her latest girlfriend. If she can’t accept any heat, then she’s not going to f**k you.

It’s also often better to prefer statements over questions, another point missing.

On some of the best dates, the girl gets excited and talkative, and it’s the player’s job to just not f**k it up. Keep her talking all the way back to your place, where you undress her and f**k her, riding good vibes the whole way. I think that’s what BD is envisioning and it’s a good vision, but it’s likely to be fewer than half of your dates. Those are great dates… when and if you get them. A lot of chicks are boring, nervous, have nothing to say, want to be led, etc. Try to engineer the great dates but don’t expect them.

I guess I’m building to the idea that there are low-status-guy assumptions built into the post, and guys who aren’t pretty game savvy, who haven’t dated a lot (I have) won’t spot them. When I see that kind of thing I worry, cause what else am I missing? There’s a difference between differences of opinion (lots of opinions around, lots of guys I like and respect while disagreeing with this point or that idea) and then there are things that are just plain wrong or missing vital elements, as I am discussing here. Some bits of that BD post are true, especially for newbies, “Often, men talk a lot because they’re nervous. The less nervous you are, the less likely you’ll talk too much.” He’s right on about that. Particularly for newbies. I have been that nervous guy, though not recently. Today I have too many life experiences to be that guy.

When I see “just wrong” things… it elicits doubt, even in the face of a lot of correct things. I want to keep up the demystification process.

A guy privately asked me if I think BD’s results are real. My money is on they’re real, but the chicks are not that hot. If I were willing to consistently bang 5s and 6s, chicks age 33+, chicks carrying 15+ extra pounds… I could use online dating and write about an insane cornucopia of f**king. There is an endless stream of such chicks out there and available, because most guys don’t want them. I’m interested in attractive girls who are of normal weight for healthy humans. The contemporary western world does not produce so many of these as I would like and it shows in my results. I would prefer more 8+ chicks but they are usually a stretch for me and that shows in my results too.

“Picking up girls” skills and “long-term relationships” skills

I’ve said this in some different places but not headlined with it: “Picking up girls” skills and “long-term relationships” skills overlap, but there’s a lot of non-overlap too. For picking up chicks, approach anxiety, initial comments, flirting skills, sheer physicality, fashion sense, logistics, dealing with shit tests, etc. are paramount. Guys should practice and build up those skills. For long-term relationships, emotional compatibility, lifestyle, money/money philosophy, ability to maintain sexual heat, long-term life goals, etc. are much more important. Guys can be good at both but there’s a lot of distinction between the two and if you specialize in being a player you will likely hone the early skills and forget the later ones even exist.

If you are a young guy without a lot of experience with women you should concentrate pretty much entirely on short and medium term relationship skills. If you are an older guy you will have to evaluate your life course for yourself and think about what you seek over time.

Guys who are truly specialized in short term relationships may lose the idea that in the medium or long term, some of the “game” aspects go away… or change. Yes, women will still shit test over the long term, but sometimes the issues are real issues and not shit tests. Real issues that need to be addressed. Sometimes they are comfort tests, a topic that doesn’t come up much because I think most guys don’t get to that stage. Emotionally healthy and secure chicks will have needs that they will bring up, and consistently not meeting those needs will cause the woman to look elsewhere… if she is damaged she may become more attracted to adrenaline, drama, and not having those needs met.

I have made this mistake before.

Continue reading ““Picking up girls” skills and “long-term relationships” skills”

“The mom having an affair because her husband did first”

The Brooklyn Mom Having an Affair Because Her Husband Had One First. This piece illustrates the dangers of affairs and non-monogamy. I see guys online suggesting that it’s okay for a guy to have a quiet side piece while his main woman cares for the kids and runs the house.

That is of course possible. For a few guys, feasible. For most guys, not much…. requires too much money, time, dedication, etc. Too easy to get caught today.

If you do it, she will likely want to do it too. And when she does it, this can lead to alienation of affection as well as paternity uncertainty. If the guy in this story thinks the next kid in his, well, he might be wrong.

Continue reading ““The mom having an affair because her husband did first””

Tough conversations. Downside of being known as a player

Tough conversations this weekend. I’m having some challenges making some of the changes I want to make, and I am suffering some right now because I have been a player for a long time and have a player reputation and a lot of player instincts. The player instincts don’t serve me well in trying to develop a longer-term relationship with a woman who has a more secure attachment style and who knows what she wants.

A word on reputation and what chicks are looking for. Players tend to filter out family-oriented chicks. TD Daygame has been talking about this on Twitter, although I don’t think he has a blog anymore, so I can’t link a canonical post on the subject. But chicks who want monogamy and families do exist…. they are the ones who are not intersted in guys who give off player vibes. Some of them are also very pretty. You can tell who they are because they usually have a small number of lifetime sex partners, usually don’t have sex immediately, and typically find guys who are attractive, have their shit together, and are career-oriented. Extremely sexually adventurous chicks make for interesting and fun stories… extremely family-oriented chicks don’t, usually. I am thinking of two chicks in particular I know who were (and are) very pretty and followed this pattern. Often they will compromise somewhat on looks and extroversion to get family-oriented and monogamous. They often find long-term guys in their 20s and often work jobs that give them access to guys with good earnings and family orientation.

Obviously there are many family-oriented, mostly monogamous chicks who will have one or two flings in their lives… if you catch them at the right time with the right game you may get with one of them. But for the most part these chicks keep their wilder impulses under control and filter guys for being better dads and providers. If a woman is looking for this she is not going to like players or guys who signal player. This is the kind of woman who, if you cold approach her, will say “no” and move on. She’s probably never been on Tinder or, if she has, she quit it in disgust. She’s not doing the things all the Red Pill guys complain about in sexually active women, but she’s also looking for a guy commensurate to her in value, so low value guys are going to be just about sexually invisible to her. I think a lot of online Red Pill guys are low value and thrashing about women because it’s almost impossible to overcome being low value, kind of like fat chicks complaining about men. For fat chicks, their number one problem in accessing higher-value men is being fat, and pretty much nothing they do without changing their diets and movement habits will improve their situation.

Reputation matters and chicks are going to judge you on, like you judge them on it (if you know them). Continue reading “Tough conversations. Downside of being known as a player”

Sex skills for guys: psychology, preparation, and practice

Why’s there not more talk about the specifics of sex? I have some ideas… RedCoco says,

Pickup seems pretty quiet on the topic of sex skills.

I sense that as men we set our sexual baseline energy way too low when women are craving animalistic, dominant, rough sex from us.

We as men choose vanilla.

Women want the whole gelato bar!

I have a theory that most guys are not actually get laid much and the ones who are are not great in bed. I have been thinking about writing a “psychology of sex” essay to complement the sex-toy one (RPD wrote me, “Dude, thank you for the vibrator tip—chicks love that and it’s so easy”) … and now you have it. I haven’t written it because there are many good resources for sex skills, She Comes First being good. There is another one called The Sex God Method which is also fine. There is another one called Slow Sexthat is good for chicks who have trouble coming. Just F*ck Me! – What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom. So there are lots of resources for guys who want to get better at f**king, but not so many for guys who want to get better at seduction and pickup, so that is where the community hammers.

There is probably one thing that I think is useful above all others… take your time. Demonstrate to her that you are not in a rush… I made this mistake many times when I was younger. Most guys are so thrilled that a decent chick is getting naked that they want to rush through foreplay and to the stage when their dick is inside her. This is very rarely the best way to be… sometimes it’s necessary if you’re for example in a public bathroom or a car, but if you’re able, take your time. Guys warm up close to instantly, chicks warm up like an iron… slowly, but with great heat at the end. You never hear a girl say, “Oh God, it was so nice when he got inside me so fast! Wow! Next time I hope he is inside me even faster.” Chicks don’t say, “He came in two minutes flat, that was great.” But she will often complain that he skimps foreplay, she wasn’t fully aroused, she needed more kissing, she was still in her head, etc.

Continue reading “Sex skills for guys: psychology, preparation, and practice”

Three chicks on the state of big-city dating

I stop by for takeout (no bread) after an event and eat about half of it there. The only space available is at a larger table. While I’m waiting for the meal, there are three chicks, one of them in the middle of the other two, and she is orating like Abraham f**king Lincoln. Girl will not shut up… put her in a reality TV show confessional and you’d have a show. She’s a very low 7 or high 6… I’ve done worse… I’ve done a lot better too… I learn she’d been f**king some guy, Orlando, from her work, and had discovered thanks to social media that he says “I love you” etc. to another woman. Mistake #1 from Orlando: don’t let your side piece into your social media.

This chick asks Orlando who the other woman is, and Orlando won’t give her a straight answer. The chick contacts the other woman and they talk. The other woman asked “Condoms?” The chick said no condoms were used. The other woman asked, “Birth control?” The chick said yes, she is on birth control and doesn’t want to bear some random’s child. They met up, had a drink, the other woman got too drunk and the chick I was listening to had to bring the other woman back to Orlando. This Orlando fellow is apparently an immigrant, too. Can’t tell if the speaker was white or Latina. He’s not paying for the apartment, the other woman is!

Continue reading “Three chicks on the state of big-city dating”