Online, there is endless discussion of how to seek out and identify “quality” girls, whatever that means… “quality” in a girl is tricky, since most girls, like men, have some good and some bad points. A lot of guys who think they want “quality,” who say they want “quality,” really want to convert a hot sexually adventurous slut into a housewife (rarely works well, but give it a go if you like… please don’t come whining to the Internet if it doesn’t). If you go for girls who are -1 or -2 relative to you in sexual market value (SMV), you can probably get a girl who will invest heavy in you… if she’s not that hot, though, you won’t want her. A lot of guys “want” a girl who is hot, a sex fiend (for him and him alone), absurdly loyal (perhaps not demanding fidelity in return), mentally stable, has even-keeled personality, and perhaps has other desirable traits too. Girls who combine all those qualities are not that common, and they tend to have a lot of suitors to choose from. This is the male equivalent of women who want a guy who is over six feet tall, makes a lot of $$$, has good social skills, prioritizes her and her attention needs, etc. etc. These guys too exist, but in small numbers, and they tend to have lots of options, which they often like to exercise, vigorously and horizontally.
Sometimes vertically, too, for the sake of variety.
A lot of girls aren’t honest about what they really want… superficially they say they want a “relationship” (with a top guy, which is unstated), but in reality their behaviors indicate they want to get f**ked a lot (by a hot guy, or when they’re horny). “I got drunk and it just ‘happened'” is not the statement of a girl who really wants a relationship. Thing is… a lot of guys aren’t honest either. A lot of guys aren’t truly working to improve themselves, and their results are consistent with that. I tweeted a while ago, “most guys don’t really care that much about getting laid.” If they do, you’ll see them quit video games, prioritize the gym, eat no sugar, and do the other things common to guys who get laid, as opposed to guys who don’t, or guys who say they want to but don’t align their behavior with that stated want.
Personally, for the last ~decade, I’ve found “quality” to mean “hot, and wants to go to sex clubs with me.” I’ve de-prioritized monogamy, fidelity, and sometimes basic sanity. This may not be a good set of priorities or your set of priorities. If you don’t have priorities or, more likely, you are lying to yourself about your priorities, you will be inconsistent or incoherent, and so will your results. You’re sabotaging yourself.
Strangely, given this story’s focus, I have gotten a few questions along the lines of a recent one, “The bigger question for me is finding someone to marry where the odds are low that they will cheat on me or we get divorced.”
I have cited Real World Divorce as a reason not to marry… if a guy wants to have kids with a woman, have the kids without the marriage, in my view. But I will take a shot at answering… I have talked about pretty monogamous girls, “My friend Anna, who seems pretty monogamous,” or “Katie,” neither of whom appear to fit the Red Pill stereotype, where guys who have been hurt or who are inept write long sagas of most chicks being “delusional cock-carousel riders…” right… the linked stories about “Anna” and “Katie” are good background to this discussion, so read them first. You’ll also see that I have a bit of a disagreement with Red Pill Dad about the frequency of sexually adventurous versus conservative monogamous girls, so if you want his view you can find it there.
The mostly monogamous chicks who want families are out there IME, but they are usually pretty monogamous and either not on dating apps or minimally on dating apps. They’re probably dating within their social circle, or from family referrals, and are rarely single or single for very long. To be honest I’m not 100% sure how to find these women. They’re probably over age 25 or 28 and looking to have a family. One thing to do is ask them, outright, “Do you want to have a family?” That kind of thing. If you are online, “Serious inquiries only.” “Family-oriented is vital to me. If you are seeking casual, I am not for you.” That will screen the party, sexually adventurous girls to an extent. Obviously some girls will lie to you, or be deluding themselves (the best way to lie is to convince yourself of the lie first… psychotherapy is partially about confronting the truth, which many if not most people cannot do on their own). You’re probably more likely to find girls like these at church than at bars. You will be more likely to find them volunteering than at protests.
But I’m not an expert here… probably the best thing to do is observe the girl closely. Does she have a lot of “guy friends?” Red flag. Does she go out of her way to show you she’s loyal? Or is she going out to bars “with the girls?” Girls who are serious about monogamy are serious about showing their man that they’re not putting themselves in compromising, sexually ambiguous situations. Does she like hiking, or does she like being in bars and parties? Is she on her phone all the time? How much time does she spend with her family? Does she like to drink a lot? Girls who drink often drink because they can do things that “don’t count, because I was drunk, lol.” Does she love male attention and spend time cultivating it? Does she spend a lot of time on social media? Is she obsessed with wealth and material possessions, like many people with empty souls and no purpose?
The “perfect” woman doesn’t exist (neither does the perfect man), so maybe she has one or two bad signs but not all of them. Girls who are serious about having a family will go out of their way to show you their fidelity. They’re not going to bars or parties without you. You’ll appear in their social media as soon as you make your relationship “official” (girls who always want to appear single on social media are a really bad sign).
Most people can’t be fully judged in a day or week or even month… it takes a year or longer to get beneath the social veneer. Watch closely. Be direct with her. Lots of people are disconnected and in pain. “I see you’re on social media a lot. We’ve made on our relationship official. Why am I never appearing in your pictures?” If she doesn’t have a good answer and doesn’t correct her behavior quickly, respond appropriately. “I see you’re going to a lot of parties or bars without me. Women usually do that to meet new men.”
Make statements, don’t make demands. If you are demanding change you will not get it and will provoke backlash: “I want to you stop partying or we are going to break up” should never be said. “Women usually go to bars and parties to hook up” should be met with behavior change, and, if it isn’t, don’t make the threat. Just break up and tell her, “We want different things.” If you have to threaten or deliver ultimatums, you have already lost. Give up, try again. Another common example, if she has a suspicious number of close male “friends,” “You and Jim have a lot of erotic energy together.” If she has erotically charged opposite-sex friendships, she is not serious about a relationship… which is fine, if you aren’t either. For most people, change, if it comes at all, comes slowly, over time. Many guys, maybe most, will ignore uncomfortable aspects of a girl if she’s f**king him. Don’t ignore those things. State the elephant in the living room.
If you are stating something about reality, an uncomfortable reality that most of us don’t want to confront, you may see her internalize reality, instead of the lie. If she doesn’t rapidly correct her behavior, she’s not serious and it’s time to withdraw attention. Break up sooner rather than later. “I don’t think you’re serious about this relationship or having a family. Good luck with your future endeavors.” Some chicks have been culturally conditioned to default to game playing, and going super direct with them will search, sort, and filter for the ones who are serious. In my life I have tended to do the opposite, and filtered FOR the sexually adventurous girls. It is possible to inverse this filter. Some girls, particularly younger ones, also love the ups and downs of drama. They don’t want serious relationships… which is, again, fine, unless you want one.
The downside to this method is that you’ll cut it off with girls you might want to keep sexually available… many guys will not leave sexually available chicks. If you’re serious about a family, though, you want to get rid of girls who are sexually available but don’t truly want a family (as opposed to claiming they do) and an authentic long-term relationship (many chicks who say they want this are in reality ambivalent about it). Many guys, and girls, lie to themselves about their partners’ desires because of sunk costs, good sex, comfort, etc. If you are clear-eyed about having a family, you’ll cut the women who are good lays but who don’t present the behaviors of a wife and mother. As with managing people on the job, however, it’s important to set clear expectations and note deviation from expectations. If your customer-service person is not doing well with clients, you might say, “Read How To Win Friends and Influence People. Here are three things to work on with client interactions.” The customer-service person may not know what they’re doing. If they make progress, however, with the three things, then they’re open to learning.
“We are officially dating, but I am absent in your social media” is a challenge to the girl. If she corrects, then she may not know any better (her friends don’t post men to their social media either, because they are pathologically obsessed with keeping their options open, like most modern people, particularly modern young people). If she is going to bars or parties without you, and you say something, and she stops doing that, then, again, she might not know better. If her reply is, “You don’t control me” or “you’re not the boss of me” or “I am a feminist and f**k you,” well then you know something about her. Many guys getting good pu**y want to ignore the problems and keep getting the pu**y and tell themselves things are okay, when they’re not. Most of the “Red Pill” stories about “bad” women are really about guys who see who a woman really is, and ignore it, then whine to the Internet because they saw who the girl really is and chose to ignore that (cause they’re having hot sex and when you’re getting it good & regular it’s tempting to suppress the obvious… I have made this mistake, I will add). Or the guy is putting himself in a weak position and then is surprised when he loses.
It’s true that you don’t want to be a domineering tyrant controlling the girl… but it’s also true that if the girl isn’t going to engage behaviors that are suitable for a long-term partner, she isn’t going to make a good long-term partner, and you should find someone who is, if that is what you really want. You should also be willing to compromise… the hottest girls are often not going to be the best partners for you. The examples above are not exhaustive… they are just common issues that come to mind.
In my own life, I have found many 6ses to be very “high quality” in the sense that they are very into me, they reply to texts or calls rapidly, and they are often very available to me. I have found the opposite of many 8s. Why? I am the same guy. The 8s have a ton of choices and men are constantly chasing them. I am probably at their SMV level or maybe slightly below it… for a 6, I’m a reach. For an 8, I’m at best an equal, and maybe half a step or step down. Go down an SMV point or two and you’ll often find the “quality” that some men claim to be looking for. You should also model good behavior. Do you want a woman who is thin? Invite her to the gym. Make food with her (zero sugar of course). If you model and encourage good behaviors you will often get them in return. If you do the opposite, you will get the opposite. “Quality” often creates its own quality. If you cannot get “quality” the problem is often looking at you in the mirror.
Addendum: just after I wrote the above, I found a Ny magazine sex diary, “The Chef Who Thinks She’s Being Ghosted by a Paramedic” (no link cause I don’t want to give them more search engine traffic) where the woman writes, “I say I want a relationship, but deep down, I know I’m way too emotionally unavailable.” That people say one thing but secretly want another is hardly news, yet this example is useful because it shows that principle, but it also shows the pervasive narcissism at work in modern society and culture. This woman is all about what she wants, and is not at all about what anyone else wants. Her whole life is “me, me, me,” and “I, I, I.”
A lot of women are like this: they think the relationship is about them, when a real relationship is about the other person and the thing created by the interaction of two people. A woman who fails to realize this is not looking for a relationship: she’s looking for a handbag. A handbag who talks, and a handbag that will be discarded when the next season’s look comes out. Experienced men learn to put these women in the “casual sex” bucket. The woman described also says, ” I guess it would be nice to have a partner.” That’s what someone who doesn’t want a partner says. Someone who wants a partner is ready to make their partner the focus of their life (and who expects the same in return… it’s about reciprocity).
With encouraging the girl to live her best life, I try to get them to do whatever I’m doing. So if I’m cooking, I invite them to cook (and learn how if they don’t know). If I’m going to the gym, I’m inviting them to the gym. If I’m reading a book I like, I give it to them after. Plenty of chicks want to get out of the boring instagram/tv/tedium lifestyle and just can’t get themselves to do it on their own. A nudge from a guy in the right direction will make them feel better over time.