Intense experiences in bed during sex: BDSM & analogues

People want primal, immediate, physical experiences, yet much of the modern world is set up to deny exactly that. As the modern world becomes more cerebral, disconnected, abstract, and disembodied, we want to get the opposite. There is nothing like the immediacy of fucking or fighting to bring out the intense and immediate. BDSM is now commonplace because women want it to be commonplace… chicks are the primary readers of 50 Shades of Grey, a book I tried to read but it was too bad to get past the first few pages… chicks are also the primary readers of its predecessor novel, 9 and 1/2 weeks. Someone like Aella can write, “Forceful sex is a primal way of taking away the stress of choosing a sufficiently high status mate – that I am not admitting anything about my sense of sexual self worth by having sex with his person.” And the “forceful” aspect increases the intensity of the experience, in a world where intense physical experiences are too rare. We evolved to have them, not to stare into a glass box ten hours a day. Psychedelics are becoming more popular because they also create immediacy and the feeling of immediacy.

I didn’t fully get this when I was younger, but when I was younger the world also hadn’t digitized to the extent it has now, so I didn’t need to. Today, guys have to learn to reject the smartphone way and accept the real-world way, and that’s especially true in bed. The best sexual experiences almost always happen when at least one person, and ideally both, “forget” everything else, forget themselves, and there’s only the other person and the sensation the other person generates in this world. BDSM is one way to achieve that, particularly for women, which is why the first link in this post goes to one about BDSM and how to achieve it. Too much “Do you like this?” and “Is this okay?” talk turns most chicks off, because they don’t want legalistic bullshit and posturing, they want a guy who “just gets it” and can read their signals. The downside of this common desire in chicks, however, is the risk for the guy that the chick will regret what she does and then make the typical accusations that we commonly see today. Unfortunately, if the guy can’t read her signals and generate powerful, primal experiences, she’s not going to like him (or sex with him) that much. I don’t see a solution to this dilemma apart from both dudes and chicks being consistently reasonable… ha, good luck with that.

I’m not denying that the abstract world of the mind is important. If I didn’t think it is, I would not be writing here, reading books, or doing the work I do. But there’s a lot of need for balance and the world is strongly imbalanced towards the abstract and cerebral right now. People deny their real physical tangible existence and suffer for it. Normal women love flirting in the real world, for example, but many guys and chicks are becoming the sorts of autists who can’t flirt. Solution? Online dating and paying for online dating, but that has all the problems that everyone today is aware of. One problem many modern guys have is that chicks will respond on chat apps or social media but never get together in real life, because the chicks suffer from the paradox of choice and moreover have forgotten how to exist in the real world.

Some guys are responding to this excess focus on the intellectual world by lifting weights, rock climbing, practicing bdsm, learning jiu-jitsu, or taking psychedelics (or MDMA).

We live in an instant gratification society. Most people want the digital instant gratification. But that is not how the real world works, especially the sexual real world, where chicks usually want more time to see the guy and get comfortable with the guy. Most good real-world things come from slowly building work efforts. Yes, it’s true that there are a small number of guys who get lots of good things handed to them by genetics and their families. Fine, whatever. For most guys, it’s all about the work you put in, every day. You only see the tip of the spear, one of the more important things I’ve ever written.

BDSM on average becomes more important as people spent more time on their screens and less time in reality. She doesn’t actually want to spend all the time on Instagram, she doesn’t know better. Are you going to help her become the person she really truly wants to be? If you are, that’s going to set you apart from the normal guy. Most guys are too busy playing video games to be that guy.

I was in my early 20s the first time a woman took my hands and put them around her neck. It shocked me. I didn’t know what I was doing. I think Google was around at that time but I didn’t think to search, “How do I choke a woman in bed safely?” I wrote her off as a one-off with unusual desires, not realizing that she’s closer to the norm than young red quest could imagine. I didn’t realize that many women, if not the majority, like being spanked and sometimes hit other ways in bed. I didn’t put a butt plug in a woman until I was in my 30s. I didn’t realize how those practices, done carefully and in a controlled enough way, activate the primal, immediate parts of the brain and shut off the chattering, doubting voice in the mind. Now that information, these kinds of stories, are out there, but most guys choose not to access them, choose not to stare at the darkness, the Apollonian world of the media pretending the Dionysian desires aren’t there. Dionysus asserts himself Saturday night, while Monday morning the woman wants to pretend Apollo rules, regrets what happened Saturday night in some cases, but, in many others, she loves those feelings, loves the man who can elicit them, when most men can’t. If you are reading this, you are reading a work about how not to be most men.

Author: The Red Quest

How can we live and be in society?

4 thoughts on “Intense experiences in bed during sex: BDSM & analogues”

  1. I hadn’t connected the growth of BDSM and the disconnection we are all feeling. I’m in the process of building a church to combat the atomization and lack of connection and purpose many in big cities are facing. A church built around connection and supporting each other rather than god but a church nonetheless because churches serve basic human needs. I hadn’t considered the sexual elements that are clearly also things people, in particular women, are searching for and using to fulfill the same needs that aren’t being served by modern society: connection, intimacy, learning, growth, transcendence. Feel more, don’t think more. When I’m at my best (on dates), I’m usually drinking, because I feel more, and I bring her into those good feelings, rather than speaking to her intellectual side. What else allows us to feel more…need to think on this one…it’s the key? Is that the reason ENM is also experiencing exponential growth? How are we combatting the epidemic of loneliness? I came across a woman’s Hinge profile recently which said “Choke me sexually or fatally, idc anymore”. On a related note, Ali Wong so brilliantly said “Glasses always means the woman wants some– It’s because we’re so in control all the time, that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control, you know? Like, “I don’t wanna die! Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!” But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live. You know? I just wanna be out of control for once. Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk. ‘Cause if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do. And I’m tired of being the boss. I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom, you be the boss.”

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    1. If you look at a wide variety of data from the last 20+ years (really longer than that, but 20+ is a good starting place..), almost all of it points to increasing atomization, isolation, and screen-mediated life. They’re all the same problem, merely different sides of the problem. Most people don’t really like the kind of life they’ve drifted into, but lack the tenacity or direction or assertiveness to do something different. Some people do get away from this, which you can see from the popularity of music festivals, psychedelics, or even bdsm/sex clubs. Hiking is popular, and that’s another pretty immediate activity.

      That girl’s Hinge profile is a manifestation of the feeling of languishing. A lot of our base-level activities are now neither the low-stimulation environment or sleep, daydreaming, meditating, or walking, but they’re also not the high-stimulation environment of real thought, real work, invention, sex, fighting, sports, physical activities, building things, etc. A good life is usually a mix of high stimulation and low stimulation activities.

      Guys can harness this feeling and even address it directly or somewhat directly, by talking to girls about what’s going on, and how to address it. That’s a powerful form of game, because it cuts beneath the surface level of conversation and life and into the deeper levels.

      Most guys don’t have great or interesting or passionate lives, so they lack anything to talk about, so their game falls flat. Learning some lines and routines helps but substance still beats fluff, over time.

      The deeper elements of the game, are hard to articulate, because they are really attitudinal, part of the underlying belief structure that is sometimes called “game.” Because it’s hard to articulate, it’s often missed.

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