Over the past six months, I haven’t had much enthusiasm, time, or energy for game. Around the end of 2021, my carefully managed ENM relationship nearly blew up, because of a girl who’s been in my life (we’ll call her “long distance boyfriend girl”), for many years. I met her through someone in the same sex-party community as me. Initially, I had to turn down sleeping with her even though there was a strong mutual attraction, because at the time the rules between my girlfriend and me for sleeping with other partners weren’t clear, and my gf was out of town. Sadly, that small opportunity window closed, and long-distance-boyfriend girl started dating a dude…long distance. Most long-distance relationships are effectively non-monogamous relationships, they just lack the crucial “ethical” part.
Because of my long-standing relationship with long-distance-boyfriend girl, and because of my big crush, I took great pains to introduce my gf to her, allow them to establish a friendship, and had many conversations about our relationship and in general took 10X the amount of care and time with long-distance-boyfriend girl because I knew that the two of us, together, would be threatening to my girlfriend. Despite all of that, when I finally slept with long-distance-boyfriend girl, my gf completely freaked out (sometimes no amount of pre-negotiating can prepare you for a situation). I won’t get into the details, but it was a mess. I spent part of winter in the south, hoping things would cool when I returned. Long-distance-boyfriend girl and I have recently begun to resurrect our flirtation and it’s been enjoyable, although I feel like I’m either walking a tightrope, playing with fire, or both.
My gf has given me the go-ahead to sleep with long-distance-boyfriend girl, but acknowledged that long-distance-boyfriend girl is still a sore spot. I thought I finally had a clear path forward when things took a strange turn. My good friend shared that long-distance-boyfriend girl wanted to start hooking up with him and asked how I felt about that. He’s about as close of a friend as I’ve got, he’s an Eskimo brother, and he’s as transparent and legit of a dude as it gets when it comes to ENM, so I gave him my blessing. He’s been keeping me in the loop with the stuff that’s been going on with long-distance-boyfriend girl and it’s come up that she’s been behaving quite shadily in a number of ways. I can’t get into detail without revealing too much, so you’ll have to trust me.
Ironically, after persevering through all the chaos caused by her and my girlfriend, long-distance-boyfriend girl being shady has really bothered me. She didn’t ask my permission to hook up with my friend, or inquire how it would make me feel, and has instead tried to hide the fact that they’ve been spending time together and that she has pursued a sexual relationship, creating more drama in our friend group. He’s been honest and forthright, and she’s not been. It’s quite possible that I’ll change my mind because I do want to fuck long-distance-boyfriend girl again if it’s convenient, but right now I’m completely turned off and am not actively pursuing things.
Two irons have been in the fire for a long time. If you’ve been a reader of my stuff, you know I’m a big fan of the long game. One benefit of being in an ENM LTR is patience. You never have to come off as needy, and you can make small investments that play out over time: you can get rich slowly. A girl I met last summer, we’ll call her “Beach Girl” because I cold approached her at a beach-themed bar, has finally resurfaced. We went on a date last summer, which I would say was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. Definitely a 10/10. Surprisingly, afterwards, we went back and forth but she just seemed too busy and also seemed to have something going on, like maybe some health issues in her family. She eventually said work was just too overwhelming and she didn’t have the time—but let’s “circle back.” That’s usually a euphemism and a “no,” but, given all the other positive IOI, I took her at face value. Sometimes people tell the truth.
When I returned from the south in May, I reached out to Beach Girl to see how life was going and if things had freed up. She enthusiastically responded and wanted to get together, however, because of the summer and so much going on, we haven’t made it happen yet.
The second one is a girl I met on Feeld maybe a year ago, so we’ll call her “Feeld girl.” She’s one of the few very attractive women I’ve ever matched with on Feeld. She’s in an ENM relationship, which is my preferred structure, but has had life issues that she’s been vague about (I’m guessing depression, which I can cure with my dick), but that have prevented us from meeting. I reached out to her again recently and she seemed excited about meeting. “Excited” is better than “ignored” or “apathetic,” but we all know girls are random and she may or may not show up.
The last two updates are very different. The first is a girl, “ENM Party Girl,” who I met at an ENM event. I’d met a group of cute mid-20s girls, and, later, one came up to me and made it pretty clear she was interested. I escalated and we made out a bunch and agreed to meet up.
Finally, last week, I went out with her last night, took her to a park, drank some wine, went back to my place and fucked. She was great, but for whatever reason I just wasn’t that into it. She has many positive qualities and yet I left the sex feeling like “that was nice.”
The last one is the biggest disappointment. The married girl I’ve been seeing for 4+ years and have written about in the past has just been crazy busy. I saw her in January before I left town and was beyond excited to see her when I got back in May, but she just hasn’t made time for me. There’s a lot of life stuff going on with her so I completely understand where she’s at, but I’m really frustrated about it, and there are few pains like those of broken friendships. She’s also going to have a kid soon which will put quite the damper on our sex life. Time is running out (on so many fronts).
However, life has taught me that, even with people you’ve been seeing for ages, the rules of game still apply. Sometimes more so. There’s a desire or tendency to just think you can be needy/vulnerable, and I’ve resisted that urge. She’s not willing to make time for me right now, and endlessly begging her to is not going to make her any more likely to. I’ll just have to wait it out. Sometimes “nothing” is the right thing to do, but, like meditation or military logistics or P = NP, it’s hard.