Women hate weak men: I’m leading with that generalization because a friend’s girl went out with a guy who kept asking her if this was okay, if that was okay, if what he said was okay, etc. With seemingly everything he said and did, he needed direct, explicit feedback from her indicating that what he was acceptable. Women, though, want guys who know how to lead and who can read a woman and understand where she’s at regarding him, and there’s also something to be said for being a guy who does what he wants and doesn’t appear to care what other people think, in a socially calibrated way. Paying attention to the woman’s tone, affect, and body language isn’t that hard to do.
The girl said her date’s behavior was a huge turn-off to her. He’d become the pathetic male feminist, who listens to what the NYT writes and what NPR says, and thus understands nothing about what or who actual women want. He didn’t f**k that night, and he should read Red Quest instead of the hyperwoke NYT. Don’t pay attention to what people say, pay attention to what they do. Regarding women, pay attention especially to who they do: it’s not the woke male feminists.
But, there is some danger in reading the paragraph above, because the exact opposite of the “is this okay?” guy isn’t right, either. It’s not like that guy, or any guy, should ignore everything about a woman’s preferences. Being boorish is wrong, most of the time, with most women. There’s an in-between state that is optimal: women love it when guys can “read” them and get them. If she’s on a date with you, chances are she’s more into you than not. Getting to this state of being bold and decisive without being overbearing is key, and in some ways this post elaborates on The top player (seducer) is an extreme insider or an extreme outsider, but not average.
When proposing a date, the guy should say something like, “Let’s meet Tuesday or Wednesday at 6:30 at [venue].” Instead of asking if she’s free, he’s better off proposing a date, place, and time: he’s a man of action, right? But he also needs to understand that she might say no. She might be busy… she might not like him… it doesn’t matter, for her to get to “yes” it is important for her to be able to say “no.”
Or to imply “no.” A woman will often communicate how she feels. If the guy starts telling a story about how physically attractive his sister is, and how his date looks just like her, that’s probably not going to generate good feelings in his date. If it does… that’s another problem. She’s likely to be communicating active dislike if he talks about that subject. If he starts talking about the time he rescued a puppy, that probably will generate interest. She won’t say it, but the guy should figure it out. A classic date trap is talking about politics, which is both unsexy and divisive.
The guy should take care of logistics too. Ideally, his date venues will be within walking distance of his place. Cars cockblock as many randy people as all other factors combined. He’ll invite her back to watch a movie or whatever, and accept “no” gracefully, but also give her an excuse, however lame, that she’s NOT going to feel bad about sex because she’s not going back to f**k him. He’s setting up a situation in which it can “just happen” for her.
In the paragraphs preceding this one, the guy is pretty much never asking her if what he says or does is okay. He’s inferring it from her reactions, but he’s not asking verbally. Explicitness isn’t sexy to women, which is one of many reasons the current dumb vogue for “consent” talks, in most situations, isn’t going to last. Explicit talk isn’t fun for women and women want to have fun. Seriously, read the thing at the link.
There are times when it can be useful to get some feedback from the girl. In regular, 1:1 dating, I’ll usually only do the “ask” in two situations: after clothes come off and I spank her, I’ll ask if she likes being spanked. When I’m touching her chest, I’ll ask how sensitive her nipples are. But I’m not asking the question like an accountant getting information for quarterly taxes. There’s more in how it’s done than in the question itself. If the question is done correctly, it’s dominant and sexy: you, the man, know things about women, and you’re applying what you know to the specific woman who’s already partially disrobed in front of you. You’re going to take care of her, and you know you’re going to get what you want, but you’re also going to learn her body.
I think the girl can tell that I’m going to get what I want, and she’s going to have a great time, and that we’re already in a sexy situation, but I also want to measure a bit of where she’s at. I’ve run into girls with exquisitely sensitive breasts, and those girls needed gentle handling… and I’ve run into others who wanted their nipples MAULED… bring on the clamps and the teeth. The right question gives me a sense of where the girl is.
In a way, the girl whose story I opened with is an indication that guys need to learn game and guys need coaching from guys like RPD. RPD tells his clients, “Don’t ask permission–act.” For example, don’t say, “Would you like to sit next to me?” Tell: “Come sit next to me.” If she really doesn’t want to, she’ll say “no,” which is useful information. Or, better yet, fire and maneuver: “I’m going to come sit next to you.” And then… do it. As the guy, it’s your job to make things happen, not to ask if you can make things happen.
Chicks want to avoid having to say “no” outright, because if they don’t say “no” outright, they can still ask the guy for favors and other resources. Girls love to keep the door open, so she can drain resources off the guy, even if she’s not f**king him. She wants a guy who is assertive, not a guy who is asking “Is that okay?” constantly.
How a guy does something can be as important or more important than what he does. I have another post coming about how I pitch non-monogamy to women through the “peak experiences” question and conversation. I’ve seen guys complain about how they’d like to try sex clubs but can’t get any girls to go with them, and I think most of them haven’t read the free book, sadly. Or, they don’t understand finesse. Finesse is very hard to explain but can be demonstrated in real life… the subtleties of it are why coaching can help in ways that reading doesn’t always. Many guys have simple problems, like the “Is this okay?” loser, but to reach the higher levels means going past fixing the simple issues.