Escorts can improve the rest of your game

Many challenged the idea that escorts, hired effectively, can improve your interactions with other women:

The occasional escort improves my game because it shows me what women will do and because it means I have zero scarcity whatsoever. If I want sex I pay for it and have it within 24 hours. Women can tell when a man is getting sex and when he isn’t. Hiring escorts can, odd as this may appear, improve your game, if they are hired correctly.

Women can sense a desperate guy and a guy who other women won’t sleep with. I don’t know how and I don’t understand the precise mechanism, but they can. They can also sense confidence, and learning to be confident and to project a sexually successful image is vital. Paying for it, done correctly, can aid that.

The more you use a skill or interact in certain ways with certain expectations, the more you improve that skill or reinforce that interaction. The more you interact with women and expect sex to be the conclusion of those interactions, the better off you are (provided that you can gracefully accept rejection).

Paying for it is obviously different than getting it through unpaid, normal channels. But if you’re a normal person you’re still talking to someone before, during, and after. You’re still paying attention to what someone likes instead. Building those experiences is almost always good. Always be trying to learn and always be learning. While hiring an escort is about pleasure, it should also be about learning, like everything you do.

I don’t advocate sleeping exclusively with escorts or becoming addicted to paid sex. Addiction of any kind is a weakness.

It is true that paid sex in the United States is never as quick and easy as guys would like. It takes time to build a rep, go through the vetting process, learn the ropes, learn to sense bullshit, and develop relationships with escorts and madams. There is no such thing as a free lunch, even in paid sex.

Open relationships aren’t the devil

Open relationships work for cool guys who are in control, which is a small portion of the male population. They flop for everyone else. Guys who’ve never been cool and in control HATE open relationships because they imagine themselves as the loser in the open relationship.

Superficially awakened guys who are wildly hostility to open relationships do so because they imagine themselves paying for some woman’s apartment while she does other guys, rather than the stronger one in which the guy can sleep around as much as he wants and she will also be his wingman. A long time ago I realized that I never wanted to be in a conventional relationship with a woman again and that I never wanted to live with a woman again. That was before open relationship dynamics had really taken off in the media again.

That being said I value people as ends in themselves and have been in open-style relationships. They work great for me, and, I think, for many guys, AS LONG AS:

  • You don’t live with the woman or otherwise subsidize her economically (like through marriage),
  • You don’t plan to have children with her, and
  • You have no problem picking up and sleeping with women.

Most guys cannot achieve bullet three so open relationships are not for them. When you fulfill those requirements open relationships can be great. I already have kids and don’t want or need more, so I don’t consider women along those metrics.

Marriage used to be a contract in which men agreed to make money and provide resources to a woman who bears his children and solves domestic problems. That this contract broke down by the 1960s if not earlier should be obvious.

I want sexual novelty, excitement, and fulfilling relationships. ORs can do that, and they can be less atomizing than the relentless hunt that game involves.

I also don’t know what this will mean for me as I get older. I think I’m older than most of the guys reading and writing about the game.

See also “Women want to follow your lead: a story about a woman presenting two ways.” 

Hiring an escort is like hiring any other service provider

Some guys keep pursuing women because of their egos and because of what getting women says about them; I think Krauser talks about this in one of his books. If that’s the underlying bio-psychic drive, good for you and you can stop reading right now because you won’t give a shit about what follows. For me it’s about the sex and sometimes that means paying for it is faster, better, and more pleasant than the alternatives.

I’ve heard guys claim that paid sex is bad, or the women may be physically hot but emotional shit, or that it’s more gratifying to win the lay than to pay for it. Fair statements for some guys. True of some guys and conceivably even most guys. For me it’s all about the pleasure of the sex and the woman’s hot body and the physical sensations and the incredible feel of her when I enter and when I finish. The ego or conquest part is small for me in this domain, so for me money is a reasonable shortcut to sex.

The worst paid sex can be as bad as some online guys claim it is. The girl can be not as described or fucked up on drugs or bad in bed or clearly indifferent or any number of other things. This will not surprise you, but a decent number of sex workers are messed up and broken people with messed up and broken values. “A decent number” is not “all,” however, and great sex workers can be… great.

I’m not going to write about how to hire sex workers because you can read about that from now to forever online. Instead I’m going to write about getting the most out of the experience and how to think about the experience. Despite my materialist leanings, it’s obvious that some level of connection is a key component of sex.

Escorts are actually like hiring any other service provider. The person using the service and the person selling it need to connect on some level, even if that connection is mediated by money. This is true of personal trainers, yoga instructors, nannies or babysitters, and even high school teachers or university professors. Students in school eventually realize that it’s more the teacher than the subject because great teachers strive to connect with the students in their classrooms. Bad teachers don’t.

Escorts are the same way. The very best escorts do feel a connection with their clients. Is that connection “fake?” Sometimes. But it doesn’t matter and if she can fake it convincingly, good for her. Any kind of personal service worker who is good learns how to connect with his or her clients. The best trainers I’ve worked with are good not only because they know body mechanics and when to push and when to relax, but because they can connect with their clients.

I don’t want to over-emphasize the connection. Sex is different than the squat. It does have the obvious physical component, and some women are clearly not physically or mentally made for sex work. For every one of those, though, there are also women who love sex and who orgasm easily. They can make very good escorts if they don’t see so many clients that they move into numbness. Like with any kind of sex, if you leave space and time for the woman to enjoy it and get into it, she’s more likely to have a good time and so are you.

I don’t recommend escorts for all guys. Like so many other things, escorts work best for guys who already have strong masculine fundamentals. Escorts are still women and women respond to some guys with strong masculine fundamentals. Escorts who sense weak losers will usually respond in kind. This is tough for hobbyists who have money but lack fundamentals and find their experiences with escorts are bad. Not as bad as their experiences with normal women, but not good.

One basic rule of the game is that you cannot beat the sexual marketplace. Not consistently. You can get the rare fluke and I’ve seen guys score via flukes. Social dynamics are more like games of chance than they are like fluid dynamics or some other highly model-able field. Even paying for sex does not let you truly beat the market. Yes, you will get your dick in a live woman, but she will still respond to your weakness. Having good social skills and a good body relative to your age will set you apart when it comes to hiring sex workers. I have some game weaknesses but my gym and diet routines are strong. So are my interpersonal skills.

Probably everyone thinks their social skills are above average but even with that caveat I think mine really are and I have a good combination of sexualizing encounters and gauging where a woman is on the intellectual curve and pitching to that area. Braindead bimbos will want to talk about astrology and sex gossip because that’s where their mind is. Smarter women will want some smarter talk and somewhat higher levels of abstraction and meaning in some sex talk some of the time. I can do both and learning to pitch at the client’s level is an important skill in business and life. Fail to calibrate your pitch and you will go too high (if you can) or too low (if you get outsmarted). And I have run into a couple of hot women who are much smarter than me. It’s painful but unless you are an extraordinary expert in your field and an autodidact it will happen to you.

Some guys say that you have to have a spiritual or psychological or emotional connection with a girl to have great sex and physical chemistry to her. I think the causation is reversed: great sex and physical chemistry create and deepen the spiritual, psychological, and emotional connections. Reasonable guys can disagree about this but in my experience the physical comes first, the other stuff comes second. Have great physical moves and the head stuff follows. Have weak physical moves and the girl will be thinking about whether the hot guy at her work has a nice dick.

You may read this and wonder about why you would need some game to get the best experience with escorts. The short answer is that women still know when a guy is strong but caring and when he is weak and shriveled. If you are the former women will know it. If you are the latter they will know it too. Your being will make the connection that facilitates great sex stronger or weaker.

In some rare cases it’s also possible to evolve the escort-john experience into a FWB experience. This is rare and you shouldn’t count on it, but it isn’t impossible and if you’re the guy of guy to whom this sort of thing appeals you will only be in position to take advantage of it if you have strong frame and okay game to start with. Guys who are open to the world’s possibilities will find things that guys who are closed to the world’s possibilities do not.

Don’t hire escorts if you don’t have a lot of money relative to the average 18 – 25 year old escort. I can spend $200 – $300 periodically without sweating it. My material needs are low and always have been. That was a contentious issue in my early, brutal long term relationship: she always wanted more car, more house, more clothes, more more more, and I didn’t, and that is part of what led to us breaking up, and her then really having a lot less until she intelligently speared an older guy with a lot of money. I think I’ve written about this dynamic in other posts, and maybe someday I will write more and more explicitly about it. For now I will say that what they say is true: the experiences buy more happiness than objects.

I see many guys spending tens or hundreds of thousands of wasted dollars on their girlfriends and wives and I think, “Fool.” He could do so much more with that money. If you’re in a good job making good money, you may be misallocating resources. The occasional escort improves my game because it shows me what women will do and because it means I have zero scarcity whatsoever. If I want sex I pay for it and have it within 24 hours. Women can tell when a man is getting sex and when he isn’t. Hiring escorts can, odd as this may appear, improve your game, if they are hired correctly.

In Red Pill writing, too many guys are binary thinkers who divide the world into black and white. Most of the world is shades of gray and that includes the paid-sex world. Guys who enter that world and us it as a crutch will find that it weakens them. Guys who enter that world and use it to augment and supplement what they already have may find bliss and strength. It is neither good nor evil; it is in how you use it.

See also: “How to use Seeking Arrangements for fun and profit.” As with so many things, having strong masculine polarity is key (that doesn’t mean being bossy or a jerk or many other things people routinely misunderstand it to mean), and if you don’t have it, you likely won’t have so good a time.

Women want to follow your lead: a story about a woman presenting two ways

Years ago I dated this average-but-pretty woman, and I slowly introduced her to sex-positive culture and sex parties. When we first started dating she presented a fairly average relationship and sex history. Over the course of a month or two I got her to go to a sex party with me and then eventually got her to swap partners. That was hard for her at first, and about half of women I’ve gotten to do this find it very hard, while about half are pretty curious to try it out (contrary to some of the manosphere descriptions). She did do it and over time she became more sex-positive. In her rhetoric and actions she began to favor of group sex and consensual non-monogamy.

Eventually things soured because I wouldn’t move in with her and refused to make a long-term commitment. A long time ago I decided that cohabitation is not for me, and refusing the “next steps” has probably been the end of my last 10 – 15 short- to medium-term relationships. Most women have their own dating timeline and it moves from meeting to kissing to casual sex to deep sex to moving in, marrying, and children.

My timeline stops at deep sex and most women will break up with me when I tell them after a couple months that there is no “next” step to the relationship. It is possible to lie and let women dangle for long periods of time, but I think it’s mean, deceptive, and hurts both the woman and the guy telling the lie. Women also have tight reproductive timelines and for women over the age of 30 it’s cruel to let them invest years of their reproductive prime in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

Plus, if you let a woman age 30+ invest years of her reproductive prime in you, don’t be surprised if she takes matters into her own hands and “forgets” to take her birth control. Or she gets her IUD out and doesn’t have it replaced.

You may argue that’s unethical. I agree. It’s also unethical and cruel to let a woman invest years of her reproductive prime at age 30+ in a relationship that won’t lead to kids. Yes, she should “know better,” but so should you. Have fun with her for a couple months, then be straightforward about being a player and not wanting  kids (or kids with her).

I did like this woman and I did like the way she had sex. Like most women who breakup for timeline issues we did keep hooking up for a while. In these situations it’s common for the woman to find another guy, date him, break up with him, and come back for more sex.

I don’t think any of her friends totally knew what we were up to, although some could read between the lines when they’d ask what we were doing and I’d say things like, “Going to a party,” and when they’d ask if they could come, I’d explain that I’m not sure it was for them and that I wasn’t the host. If you do this kinda shit with a smile you can get away with it. Some of them would drunkenly confide their own dark sex desires to me, because they knew I’d keep those desires secret.

Recently this guy I work with acquired a new girlfriend. One night I finally meet her and it’s the same one from my story before! Just older. Meeting for her was awkward for her and for him, because we obviously knew each other. I just did my usual thing in this circumstance and was like, “Oh hey, I remember you from Joe’s party.” Like I said women want to fall into your frame and she fell right into mine again, saving face and making sure it’s less awkward than it would be otherwise for the guy dating her.

Part of the reason this encounter went more smoothly than it could have is because she knows I don’t want to shame her in front of her new man. I don’t want to out her. She knows that my sex positivity is real. She acquiesced to taping sex acts that could be viewed as degrading because she knew, correctly, that I would never use those tapes against her.

Some snippets of those tapes are still on the Internet but she is not identifiable in them. If you are part of the secret society and really keep the “secret” part of the secret society, good things will happen to you.

I’m 95% sure she’s not going to tell the guy she’s dating that she’s fucked me and fucked a bunch of other guys and gals with me. I’m pretty sure my colleague has a normal frame and worldview about women that does not include understanding that women love sex and will do almost anything for a guy they really want to keep. He couldn’t imagine this woman partner-swapping and fucking a guy whose name she doesn’t even know while I do the same to his girl. I feel kinda bad for the guy, but it is not my job to wake him up; that is his job. He is a fine guy overall but he presents to women as weak and normal so I’m sure women treat him that way.

He should know or suspect her history, but his mind doesn’t want to go there. People can tell which guys are players and which guys are losers who can’t get dates, and while I’ve mostly stopped bringing dates to most company or industry functions, people know. I try to minimize that reputation because it doesn’t help me for the most part, but it is not possible to fully hide who you are.

Also, I’m sure that some of the commenters will say that all women are willing to go to orgies and engage in gang bangs and the depraved shit I like. Not true. I’ve tried. Women have turned me down or just run away because group sex or partner swapping is not congruent with their personalities. That’s fine with me. I’d say they’re the minority of women, probably under 25%, but they exist.

Over time though most women will follow your lead. I want to be a hedonistic slut and over time demand that women do the same. Most will. My colleague probably wants women to present as demure and so they probably will present that way. Most people do not actually stand for anything, so they follow the lead of the strongest person they see.

Happy New Year and make 2017 the year you do the shit you really want to do. Don’t let other people tell you how to run your life. It is up to you to create the world you want to live in. The vast majority of the population just goes through other people’s ruts and other people’s paths.

To quote another writer, “Your woman is pretty much malleable to whatever values or life you to intend to live, if your frame is strong enough.” There are exceptions but in most cases women respond to authentic frames and want a guy strong enough to graciously and gracefully lead them. If you have that frame a lot becomes possible. Most women hide their deep sexual desires for fear of being judged by other women and by men. The number who will speak about how they feel or act out their fantasies is small because most women are constrained by the box other women and men put around them. I try to open that box.

Show her what type of man you are so she knows what kinda woman to be.

Someone asked me whether most guys in non-monogamous relationships are secretly or overtly bisexual. I don’t think so, and guys who are bi or want to experiment with men can go to any gay bar any night of the week to do so. They don’t need to go to a sex club. Gay guys do what straight guys wish they could and have sex all the time. So there’s really no need to go through the whole party and club process that straight group sex entails.

Most guys are weak. Be different: “Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say”

Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say” is a must-read. The short, un-PC version is that most guys are pussies. Are you one? Then stop being one. Being a pussy is a choice that you make eery day.

Based on reading “Today’s men are not nearly as strong as their dads were, researchers say,” it’s not surprising that most guys have problems with women, since most guys have weak, flabby bodies matched with weak, flabby minds and weak, flabby personalities. None of those are attractive to women. If you fix those fundamentals (most guys are too busy playing video games and watching Internet porn to bother) you will beat 80% or more of guys out there.

The WaPo article says,

To look at it another way: In 1985, the typical 30-to-34-year-old man could squeeze your hand with 31 pounds more force than the typical woman of that age could. But today, older millennial men and women are roughly equal when it comes to grip strength.

Women don’t want a guy who is only as strong as they are. They want considerably strong. Tough love: if you are a pussy in the physical realm you deserve to have those problems.

I’ve had lots of problems in my life but I’ve never had some of the extreme problems with women a lot of guys have. I think that’s because I developed strong sports and athletics habits early and never gave up. The price modern guys pay is never being able to give up. Most of the guys I swam with and lifted with when I was younger are now typical fatasses, and they have all the typical older guy fatass problems.

I know I keep saying this, but that’s because it’s so important: you will beat a huge percentage of guys just by not being a pussy.

(ht Marginal Revolution)

Be kind from a position of strength, not a position of weakness

Don’t be a “nice” guy. But I’ve observed guys who can be kind while still being dominant, and I’ve observed guys who attempt to be kind but are really giant pussies. The differences are instructive.

Two guys I work with illustrate the point… one is respected, demanding, and yet kind, while the other guy runs around supplicating to women and superiors in a way that makes him seem like a dog. He’ll do anything for anyone and as a consequence no one respects his time or (limited) knowledge. He brags about the things he does for people and especially for women. Watching him brag to women he’d like to bang is pathetic. He’d be a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen if he had the balls to make a move. Fortunately he doesn’t and he’s at least harmless enough not to be a likely lawsuit target.

The other guy will not do anything for anyone any time. He isn’t miserly either. Instead he seems to carefully evaluate who he is actually friends with and what actually needs to be done. He can be astonishingly generous with his time if he thinks his investment is likely to be worthwhile, but he is also good at subtly but definitely shaming people who waste his time. One of my first bosses was like him, and I learned more from that boss (and from a particular client) than I have from anyone else, ever, including teachers, professors, and girlfriends.

I’m also thinking about kindness from a position of stregnth because in this essay VC Paul Graham states,

Good does not mean being a pushover. I would not want to face an angry Ronco. But if Ron’s angry at you, it’s because you did something wrong. Ron is so old school he’s Old Testament. He will smite you in his just wrath, but there’s no malice in it.

In almost every domain there are advantages to seeming good. It makes people trust you. But actually being good is an expensive way to seem good. To an amoral person it might seem to be overkill.

Being kind does not mean being a pussy. If you’re “kind” because you’re a pussy and can’t be assertive, no one will respect you and no one should respect you. Things are often valuable in proportion to their supply, and an infinite supply of a thing (like kindness) is of low value.

Don’t be “nice” to women, but be kind to ones who you’re already fucking and who deserve kindness. Don’t give anything, including attention, to women you’re not fucking and who have proven that you’re not going to fuck them. With women and clients pretty much everything is a binary: You’re fucking them or you’re not; they’re giving you money or they’re not. There is no in between. Women and clients like the liminal state. It took me way too long to learn this.

I hate to use the word “nice,” which is close to “kind,” because “nice” has been so polluted by the idea of the “nice guy” that it’s toxic.

Being kind can also mean being tactfully honest. If someone is deadlifting incorrectly it is kind to tell them, or to tell them how you know what you know. Being “nice” can often mean trying to assuage a person’s feelings, even when feelings of inadequacy or wrongness are justified. That being said, know when to speak and when to shut the fuck up. Often shutting the fuck up is best because morons can’t be helped and can’t take justified criticism.

The girl I’m breaking away from sees me as kind because her sister (who she is close to) does and because of something I did: I paid her tuition (which wasn’t much money) briefly. Now, I know, and you should know, that it’s a horrible idea to use money to supplicate to women. Let me emphasize that before commenters jump on me. I’d already been dating this girl for about a year. When we first started dating I don’t think she had any idea how much I make. I don’t waste money on the usual dumb shit guys waste money on (cars, apartments; unfortunately I do have a high burn rate that is not negotiable, however). Her work and school interfered with her ability to do the things I wanted her to do, so I just paid the tuition. She didn’t ask for it, directly or indirectly, which is an unusual mark of character these days. It isn’t a lot of money to me. You can argue that I was manipulated, but if so then I was party to the manipulation.

We’re on the path to breakup because she wants to move in with me and I’ve flat-out said no. I’ve been down that path and I’m not going down it again. I like this girl and I like the crazy shit I’ve encouraged her to do, but long-term she’s too young for me and I don’t want the kind of committment she thinks she wants but doesn’t actually want. Living together is the death of eroticism and I won’t do that again. Not anytime soon. Maybe someday.

Reminder, I originally wrote this post a year and a half ago, so some of the personal anecdotes don’t line up with my current life.

Men don’t take women on “dinner” dates because women don’t want to go on them

In “Is ‘Netflix and Chill’ Actually a Good Date?” a writer named Beejoli Shah laments how “As a woman rapidly approaching 30, one of my largest personal failings is the fact that I’ve yet to go on a first date that involves eating food on purpose.” There’s a reason: Women don’t really like dinner dates, they find those dates awkward, and those dates don’t put them in the mood for sex. Smart guys get burned by one or two dinner dates, in which they pay and a woman says LJBF, and then guys learn to stop inviting women on those dates. As you can infer I speak from experience, as I made the dinner mistake once or twice after college.

Shah says

when it comes to being asked to sit down with a man for a meal that didn’t come in a paper bag from a place we happened to wander by, things haven’t quite metastasized

Shah could say that the only way she’s going on a date is if it involves dinner. But if she did, the guys she most wants to fuck would next her. The guys she least wants to fuck might take the bait. Either way will leave her unsatisfied.

My approach was straightforward: “Netflix and chill? I hear it’s all the cool teen rage these days,” which I hoped would offer me an out if I was immediately rejected. But judging by the reactions I received, no one else labored under the false delusions that I did. Men, for all their bravado of how easy it is to hookup these days, are overwhelmingly terrified by the idea of being propositioned simply for sex.

If I were offered “Netflix and chill” by someone attractive, I’d be excited. I’d want to meet them in public first, though.

Beejoli Shah claims that the men she meets aren’t interested hookups, but typing her name into Google Image reveals the most likely culprit. She is in fact not living in the same world as the women most men would like to hook up with.

No one should take the dating / romantic / hookup / game advice of a person seriously without at least seeing what they look like and knowing what their vibe is like. We all live in our own little bubbles and generalize from those bubbles.

Shah is having a very different experience than a pretty girl would, just like attractive guys have a different experience than ugly ones, which is why the initial advice newbies get always involves improving overall attractiveness and social skills. Karley Sciortino, the chick who writes slutever.com, is hot. Her experience dating is different because she’s hot. Always remember that when you people’s generalization on the Internet. If you don’t know their real-life hotness, vibe, coolness, and social circle, you don’t know shit about them. That includes me too.