“What are your rules for talking about RP concepts?”

In response to “Warning about falling into the girl’s frame,” on Reddit this guy asked:

What are your rules for dispensing knowledge? (RP and non. RP)…. Who/When/Why. Seems there are a lot of stupid people and thus many opportunities are presented.

While there are no hard and fast rules, most of the time a guy shouldn’t talk about RP stuff at all… to the extent I do, I talk with women I’ve already been sleeping with for a while and who are thus in my frame already. Like that warning post: I’ve been sleeping with Bike Girl for a while. It’s possible to drop RP hints here and there as teases, but I don’t recommend going into full professor mode, probably ever. But there are a few principles for when you do talk…

1) Never use any of the jargon. Many people intuitively understand the ideas, but the jargon will repel them.

2) Must be done in a playful, cheeky way. This goes back to the idea of teasing. In addition, playful and cheeky can be plausibly denied later or as needed.

3) Should be done either 1:1 or in small groups. In large groups you don’t want standard BP conditioning to take over.

4) Less is more. Don’t address someone’s entire worldview or ideology. Don’t be a priest. In the example linked above, I didn’t shit on feminism or make huge pronouncements on all aspects of men versus women. The point was constrained to one facet of male-female dynamics and centered on the friend’s real experience.

5) Be ready to back down. This may not read as “alpha” to typical guys online, but social circumstances aren’t an academic debate. You’re chatting with people and it’s not worth blowing up good social vibes for some issue most people don’t give a shit about. This is related to point 2. If someone gets huffy, just say, “Whatever, live your life” and move on. The smile or smirk are key. Amused mastery is better than being “right,” except sometimes at work where being right matters more. Social context matters for everything. If you are an engineer or doctor, then being factually correct is very important. If you are chatting with your friends, being cool is more important than being right (or being seen as being right).

6) The real knowledge comes not from what you say but how you live. Your life is the best example. Pretty much no one cares about what you say (sorry, but it’s true). People admire or dislike you for how you live and what you do. People listen to high-status people they admire, not some blowhard with an average or below-average life, even if that blowhard is technically “right” about whatever. Like I said above, in an engineering meeting, being right matters, and in most other human social endeavors it does not. Many celebrities who you and I are think are dumb have more influence than you or me because they’re widely admired. Socially admired people have influence and weirdo outsiders spouting strange theories of human behavior do not.

This is another way of saying, status/coolness FIRST, then talk about whatever the thing is. Do you take advice from the bottom people in your field? No you don’t. You listen to the top people. If you’re not a top person, no one is going to listen to you. Get the life first. People listen to Ray Dalio about investing, not the poor joe on the street who just leased a car he can’t afford because he thinks the monthly payments are so low. That poor joe can’t do math. He’s not building assets and he’s risking bankruptcy for no good reason.

7) While most guys don’t want to hear this, Red Pill and pickup attracts a disproportionate number of social retards. One sign of being a social retard is not knowing that you are one. If you are a social retard, the first thing you need to do is learn not to be one, because you are going to have an even worse time trying to teach other people than a normal guy would.

I’m sure there are other principles, but those come to mind. When in doubt, shut up. Seriously. Shutting up is underrated. Most people like to hear themselves talk and talk about themselves. Let them. A little encouragement goes a long way. No one cares if you’re right.

I’ve slept with far more girls through shutting up at the right time than I have through talking or being “right.” Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People is still a great book. It’s not clear from the original post I wrote, but in that conversation I talked far less than I listened, and I listened for a long time to the friend. This may read as “beta” to less experienced guys, but, again, most people like to broadcast and don’t care about the objective reality of a situation or how to improve their life. People who really want to improve their lives are the exceptions. Look at the fatties all around you: most would like to not be fat, but they can’t be bothered to improve their lives.

If you are dealing with normal humans in normal social situations, perception matters more than being “right.” What is “right” is not even clear or obvious in most situations. Save being right for your math and physics classes.

These things are hard to do and require social savvy, and that’s why most RP people say, “Don’t talk about RP.” That’s easy and less likely to lead to errors. A delicate touch is necessary. Most online RP people seem to be angry and not socially savvy, so it is not a surprise that they get burned when they attempt to tell others about the Red Pill without first improving themselves.

“Evolutionary theory says men stray to increase offspring, but what motivates women? Enter the mate-switching hypothesis”

Why women stray: Evolutionary theory says men stray to increase offspring, but what motivates women? Enter the mate-switching hypothesis.” An excellent essay by David Buss and offered without much commentary. For men the important thing to know is that most women will stray if given the chance and the right opportunity. Be the guy she cheats with, not the one she cheats on.

I have a post aout David P. Barash’s book Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy coming down the pike. I highly recommend it. Understanding the theory helps the practice. Most guys have neither.

Your girl’s male “friends?” Usually they’re alternate options.

Don’t believe everything you’re told:

The Queen of Oversharing: The personal essay may be over—but Joyce Maynard isn’t,”

Her first husband and her three children are Snowy to her Tintin: reliable sidekicks yoked to the central character for the length of the run. The husband spent the duration of her 1980s syndicated column, “Domestic Affairs,” as the ideal partner; in the ’90s (after the divorce) he was revealed in subsequent essays and books as a cruel bastard who pressured her to get an abortion and filed a motion to have her declared an unfit mother. Lately, he has emerged as the co-victim of a bad union, as she has confessed that she actually had a long affair with his close friend.

Everyone has a narrative. Most people’s narratives leave some shit out. Whenever someone tells you some story, think about the dark matter of that story. This goes doubly for anything relating to abuse or “abuse,” which are both trendy these days.

For some reason, at least half a dozen women have told me on first dates or near first dates about abuse or “abuse,” and with every one of them I did the same thing: no more dates, no more escalation. Don’t need that shit. If she’s sharing it inappropriately early, run.

Some guys are assholes. Some women are too. But be pretty cagey about anyone who paints their ex as a total demon. If the ex is a demon, why did she (or sometimes he) date him in the first place? There’s some shit there that’s not being revealed.

Maynard also reiterates a common theme you’ve heard before: don’t get married, cause you never know whether she’s going to have a long affair with someone. I wonder if that guy’s kids are even his.

I’m starting to think that women are more RP than men, to guys who are paying attention. Which most of us aren’t.

Sociologist Mark Regnerus: ‘Cheap sex’ is making men give up on marriage

“Cheap sex is making men give up on marriage” is the article, and it should not surprise most guys reading here who have followed the community over the last couple years. His book is Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy.

In today’s dating market men can specialize in being the guy girls want to fuck or the guy they think they should want to marry. Or more realistically neither, but let’s ignore that for now. It is of course possible to do both but trade offs exist in the real world and most guys are better off specializing in being the fuck boy.

While women bemoan the lack “eligible” men, they actually mean that they want a guy who can fuck all the girls he wants but for some reason her magical pussy makes him monogamous to her and makes him want to transfer lots of financial and other resources to her, with basically nothing in return. Guys are waking up to how terrible a deal this is. If one woman walks, she’ll be replaced by another. Guys who know they can get laid live a very different life from guys who can’t.

Stated like that the situation obviously makes no sense.

The only way to judge who and what women actually want is to look at who they fuck. Smart guys hit the gym, up their style, and learn game. Dumb guys bemoan their “fate.”

My last bunch of relationships ended after three to twenty-four months when the woman wanted a timeline for cohabitation or eventually marriage, and I refused. Very few women will be long-term fuck buddies or even girlfriends without a timeline for cohabitation. That can yield a Groundhog-day quality to relationships, but in my experience that is much better than the situation I found myself in when I lived with the woman who is now my ex and the mother of two kids. While I didn’t marry her (a smart move) I did make a lot of other errors that are obvious in retrospect.

In the article, the author doesn’t even attempt to ask himself what legal structures might make men wary of marriage:

This ratio, he says, keeps ultimate relationship power in the hands of men. “To plenty of women, it appears that men have a fear of commitment. But men, on average, are not afraid of commitment,” Regnerus writes.

“The story is that men are in the driver’s seat in the marriage market and are optimally positioned to navigate it in a way that privileges their (sexual) interests and preferences. It need not even be conscious behavior on their part.”

Or maybe men have learned from their fathers and uncles and friends that any time a woman wants to, she can divorce him and take half his assets. If they have kids she can use the violence of the state to compel him to disgorge money to her for 18 – 24 years. So why would any man sign up for that shit? Answer: he won’t.

“I was also wondering if I really wanted to stay in the Game”

I am reading the Krauser book A Deplorable Cad, and about midway he drops,

As winter approached I’d run out of steam for game. London was boring me, and my mojo was depleted. I was also wondering if I really wanted to stay in the Game. The happiest times in the year had been hanging out with Docile and then going on holiday to Barcelona with her and Gita. I’d also felt strangely at peace when sitting in cafes with Zaria just chatting and watching her read.

This book is the second or third out of four, and it’s only halfway done, so the reader knows that Krauser does not run out of steam for game. But I identify with his feeling because it’s another way of stating my feelings in “Ramblings about a change in perspective towards game and life.” Granted that I’m older than he was at the time described in the book and also that I have never been remotely as obsessed with game as he and his colleagues were or are. But there can be a kind of hollow void, I think, from relentlessly picking up strangers, many of whom are in turn using your tool to deal with some kind of void or psychological problem in their own lives.

“Many of whom,” not all of whom, mind. Lots of psychologically healthy girls like casual and not-so-casual sex as well.

I’m still committed to not marrying, but I wonder if one day I will soften to the idea of cohabitating with a woman again. It would be very hard to find a woman whose values and lifestyles mesh sufficiently with mine, but I don’t think it’d be impossible either.

She’d also have to be close enough to me in age. Realistically a man as old as I am cannot build a long-term life with any woman younger than her late 20s. It just won’t work if she’s younger. That much I know. It is always funny when you worry about using a girl for sex only to discover she is. . . using you for sex!

I should not be thinking too long-term right now. The date with the bike girl went very simply and very well. Before the date I did (or attempted) four warmup sets and got harsh blowouts from all of them. A very strange run, but then bike girl herself liked me a lot from the get go. She is more shy and introspective than she first seemed, when I think the riding had raised her spirits and also mine. But so far everything seems to be going well. She is also too young to make long long-term work. But I am enjoying the moment and am not going to complain when the right girl at the right time falls into the lap.

I will write more about A Deplorable Cad when I finish, but I judge that I am either less psychologically damaged than most of the game-obsessives or I am more delusional about psychological damage. Only the self-deluded believe they are beyond self-delusion. I still think I’m closer to normal than many of the characters in the book or who write game books of their own.

Having kids and thus needing a career also means that even if I wanted to go full bore I’d be unable to. It is still fascinating to see the people who have gone all the way. They make different tradeoffs than me.

Krauser emphasizes how real game forces a man to confront his own psychological demons, and I agree totally. Self-understanding is so hard and lacking it will often destroy even a man who works hard.

There are no shortcuts. Don’t believe everything you read online.

Do not believe everything you read online and every story you hear. Many stories strike me as implausible at best. Some may have elements of truth but many, I think, lie by omission at the very least.

I was reading one of Krauser’s books and am reminded of why:

You see what I did there, comparing myself to Casanova? That’s what players do. We blow smoke up everybody’s ass. Our relationship to humility is complex; we must fake it with girls to induce them into emotional intimacy, and we must genuinely humble ourselves in private to work on our inner game issues.

Then

The near misses and sense of falling behind were bad enough. It didn’t help that Steve had been talking about a couple of guys who were doing well at precisely the point I wasn’t. They weren’t really cold approach guys, but they were game-aware. One was a former student in his mid-fifties. Apparently, he played at being an aristocrat. He wasn’t particularly rich, but he fronted the image of it and went on gold-digger websites like SugarDaddy and MissTravel.

(I kind of do the opposite of the mid-fifties guy: I try to downplay work and money, even though I could flaunt both. I have seen guys try and I think basic masculine identity and polarity work better and are truer.)

But it isn’t what it seems,

He’d subsequently dug around and talked to the guy some more, and it turned out he’d been fronting to Steve only marginally less than he did to the girls. While he was indeed getting some decent success, it wasn’t quite as good or free as he’d claimed in the original story. Per the photos, the girls weren’t that hot. Moreover, there weren’t that many of them because a lot of girls turned him down when they discovered he’d lied about himself.

This guy had done a respectable effort at hustling – it’s not easy for a fifty year-old man to bang young hotties for free, after all – but like most people he’d dressed it up into something larger than it was.

Sound familiar to you, if you’ve been reading the Red Pill for a while? It should. It sounds very familiar to me. You can read some of the skepticism about other people’s claims in my past commentary on Reddit.

Especially for guys who say they slay while also achieving many other goals.

There’s a tension between chasing women and accomplishing other things in life. For all their seductive pleasures, women are dream-killers. So long as there’s a sniff of hot pussy wafting along the air, I’m off like a hunting dog chasing a scent. I couldn’t multi-task this area of my life.

Really being a player if you are not already extremely good looking or have some other advantage is extremely hard. Being a player is a part-time job in itself. This is part of the reason I augment regular sex with some paid sex. The former is repeatable but the latter is damned efficient and the quality of the woman can be very high. Throughout my life I’ve had goals other than fucking women and consequently I have never developed really good cold-approach skills. There are no shortcuts but I’ve tried to be efficient and that has also driven me towards the consciously non-monogamous community. Chances are that if there’s a shortcut to sex I’ve tried it.

All have drawbacks. Some fit my personality.

To conclude the Krauser bit,

The lesson of both older men’s hustles was the same lesson I’d been learning for years: consistently banging younger-hotter-tighter is difficult. Every man who is pulling it off has dedication, fortitude, a spark of ingenuity, and above all – a system. I had yet to meet the man who was getting younger-hotter-tigher handed to him on a platter.

Same here. I have seen some stupendously wealthy guys use money to get it (I think there is a kind of rich-guy-hot-younger-girl circuit in most major cities, and I have seen glimpses of it in mine). I have seen some guys with unusual lifestyles pull it. But this is like 1 – 2% of men and I doubt they are reading this.

Adventure_Sex_coverKrauser says that he notices patterns in his game and that some of those patterns were “well-theorised, because I’d discussed it with friends, like Tom or John.” It’s hard, I won’t say impossible but very hard, to become really good at anything without some help, from friends or mentors to help you, and from some rivals to push you. If you are attempting to do something totally alone you will likely never get as good as you could be. This is also a reason I have never gotten as good at game as I could: I have never met anyone truly committed to reaching the top. In my experience most guys who get into game or going out to meet women just want to find a nice, pretty girlfriend, and once they get one they stop. They don’t question the underlying structure of the date-marry-children social script.

While you need to not believe everything everything you read, you should know that progress is possible, that hard work does pay off eventually, and that you can improve yourself from where you are now. Almost everyone around me, including colleagues, and all my normal friends think my total aversion to sugar, indifference towards cars and many other consumer goods, and disinclination towards marriage is weird. I see them putting in average effort and getting average outcomes. Every day you have a choice between picking up the video game controller or the barbell. You have a choice between practicing the skill that will lead you to the beter job or watching TV. You have a choice between stuffing your face with basic carbs or learning how to roast sweet potatoes and beets. The choices you make will impact everything that happens in the course of the rest of your life.

All of us are living in an “unnatural” environment, by many metrics. This has bad aspects (gross food, sedentary lifestyles, car-based travel that requires no physical effort) and good aspects (can fuck many hot women if you achieve masculine polarity and learn game, can be better than many other people, can travel the world on airplanes, can read as many books as you have time to read, which is a new phenomenon most of you don’t take advantage of). Once you realize this you should try to take the good parts of the environment and jettison the bad. This is hard to do. If there are two themes in all my writing they are “this is hard” and “achieve masculine identity and the rest will follow.”

I said that you will accomplish more if you choose to do so, and you will, but “more” and “better” are relative. In real life most the player guys and player stories I hear are exaggerated or simply untrue. Not universally and not all the time but most of the time. I read some of the stories here and doubt them. If you improve your life and don’t accomplish some of the things some guys here claim they have, don’t worry about it. Those claims may not be meritorious. Work on yourself every day and positive things will happen, but online anyone can claim anything. Watch real life with your own eyes.

There are no shortcuts, but there are some high-value guys who aren’t any good at delivering that value. For them, a little game and encouragement can create spectacular results. I wouldn’t call that a shortcut, however. I’d call it learning to deliver what you’ve got.

Someone is lying: The new Elon Musk biography and the supposed 22-year-old virgin actress

ElonMuskBioThe Elon Musk biography is totally worth reading. One excerpt is published publicly. You should only read it to understand and maybe emulate Elon Musk’s insane work ethic (though not necessarily in the same domains: if guys emulated Musk’s work ethic but devoted their time to game, they’d be getting laid like Hugh Hefner). Musk’s is the ultimate purpose-driven life.

So far so good. You should not, however, emulate Musk’s approach to women. One part of the book consists of lies: Lies a hot actress told to Musk or Ashlee Vance, or lies Musk told to Vance, or lies that Vance picked up from somewhere else, and they show that Vance or Musk or both are naive about women.

Talulah Riley, who Musk married, divorced, and re-married, is described in the book as “a twenty-two-year-old up-and-coming actress,” and she was at a London club called “Whiskey Mist” when she met Musk. Vance says, “Musk and Riley sat at a table with their friends but immediately zeroed in on each other.” “The older Musk, meanwhile, took on the role of the soft-spoken, sweet engineer.” Being a “soft-spoken, sweet engineer” is not good, although if you’re a millionaire many times over and decently good looking you might be able to get away with it.

That night, apparently according to Riley’s description, she “allowed Musk to place his hand on her knee.” She’d allegedly “been living at home with parents” until the week before she met Musk. Do you buy it? I don’t.

After their second or third date, the two went to Musk’s hotel room, and “Musk told Riley, a virgin, that he wanted to show her his rockets.” Until she became engaged to Musk, Vance writes that “Riley had been a model daughter up to that point, never giving her parents much of anything to worry about.”

I don’t believe it. Women who aren’t highly sexual don’t become actresses. That being said, Vance says Riley is “a lifelong teetotaler.” It may be that Riley is one of those “oral and anal don’t count” women who do exist and sometimes exist for a weirdly long time. It’s rarely a good idea to understate a woman’s ability to lie to herself; the easiest way to lie to others is to believe the lie. But I’m skeptical even of that. I think someone is just sucker, although I’m not sure who.

Someone is lying and we just don’t know who or how. Riley being a virgin is ridiculous. Riley pitching herself as such makes total sense.

The book describes how Musk and Riley married and divorced, and Riley gives this reason for their first divorce: “I just wasn’t happy. I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision for my life.” She says she returned to Musk because of the “lack of viable alternatives. I looked around, and there was no one else nice to be with. Number two is that Elon doesn’t have to listen to anyone in life. No one. He doesn’t have to listen to anything that doesn’t fit into his worldview.” The idea that there is no one else “nice” for a gorgeous 20-something is ridiculous and yet Vance seems to believe it or believe it enough to repeat it. There may be no one else “rich” and “famous” who is willing or foolish enough to wife her up.

More likely: most rich, famous guys figure out what’s going on with women and aren’t dumb enough to fall for the shit Musk, despite his epic business and technical achievements, falls for. Musk is a genius in some domains and a kindergartener in dating.

Oh, and here’s one other thing: What have you accomplished lately? Vance writes: “Musk has decided that man’s survival depends on setting up another colony on another planet and that he should dedicate his life to making this happen.”

Sometimes I think I’ve accomplished a lot. Then I read about guys like Elon Musk and get serious perspective. Sure, I know more about women than him. But in most other domains he’s impossibly far beyond me.

Between the time I first wrote this and now, Musk has supposedly started dating domestic violence accuser Amber Heard. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This guy knows everything about technology and nothing about women.