I sensed the “what are we?” conversation

I sensed the “what are we?” conversation with Bike Girl, and but before it could happen I preempted it by asking if she wants to go to a sex party some friends are hosting. I know she’ll be very popular there, maybe too popular. She was hesitant and asked a million questions but we have a tentative agreement to go and not have sex with anyone else there. A good first effort. A lot of girls will break over this issue. She may break.

The other day I was meeting her at a bar and had this intense conversation with a beautiful woman, and I fell into auto-game with her, despite the many blowouts recently. I mean intense: eye to eye, light touching, her facing me quickly, rapport. As my forebrain kicked in to demand that I try for a number and roll off, Bike Girl showed.

Still a nice reminder after the failures.

Bike Girl likes being my model, likes it when I tape sex (whatever, it’s a thing for me), likes lots of other stuff. But her apartment is a horror show. Not hoarder-level, but definitely “I could never live with you,” level. That I’m thinking about it is a weakness.

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The more game I’ve needed the worse the relationship has been

I was reading “Honest observations after eight years in the game” and got to thinking: the more game I’ve needed to get a particular girl, or the more I’ve had to run game on her, the worse the relationship has been. The ones who are bitchy, constantly testing, and most difficult can be good in bed but the relationships themselves are never the best. Those women are only good as friends with benefits, and even then the “friends” part stretches the definition of the word.

The ones who just wanted me and the sex and let everything lead into that have been the most pleasant to deal with and over time the best in bed. Over time this has become my own test: How much game did I need to get this woman? The more game, the more likely I am to jettison her or keep her in a distant rotation.

It’s amazing to me that many women think playing hard to get and being unpleasant to be around is somehow a way to get and keep a man. That’s a good way to get some casual sex and a terrible way to get a relationship. Over time, the guys who persist most will be the ones with no other options. Guys with options will find a woman who’s more pleasant to be around, and pleasant to be around starts with the very first interaction.

Bike Girl was pleasant when I met her, pleasant in texting, pleasant on the first date, and has been pleasant since. So was the gorgeous 19-year-old I met a couple years ago and dated for almost two. Most of the relationships I’ve ended prematurely ended because the girl was the opposite. The more “game,” I’ve needed, the more I realized (usually sooner) that the girl couldn’t and shouldn’t be anything more than an FWB. The more I’ve felt “tested,” the more I’ve known the girl is no good or no good for me. Next!

No wonder relationships in the U.S. are fucked.

This isn’t an “actionable” post and doesn’t matter much for guys who want to hit ‘n’ run. But guys who are still being chosen, rather than the choosers, should know that your whole world changes when you do more choosing. You learn a lot quickly.

 

Frame control technique: “You only get to ask one question, then I get a question!”

I met a couple of bike girl‘s friends tonight and one in particular kept shit testing me, hard (which is weird because bike girl does almost no shit testing, and I like that, a lot, about her). I used a favorite technique for redirecting conversation: when a bunch of rapid fire questions come in a row, announce, “You get a question, then I get a question.” Kind of like the trade-off in truth or date.

Delivered correctly, this will often redirect the conversation, and the shit test will be forgotten. Tonight, one of the friends wanted to know my age, and I gave some variant of my favorite shit answer (“old enough to know better but young enough not to care”). This, along with some other stuff, got her riled, but I actually did pretty well by treating her like a puppy. When she called me condescending I just shrugged, nodded, and smiled a little. At some point she gave me some bullshit again and I pulled another favorite line that I’ve been tinkering with over the past couple years, “What can I say? I’m used to giving people orders.”

It leads either to a subject change or a great set of follow-ups. It’s also somewhat true in my case. I wish I hadn’t fallen for so many shit tests in high school and college, but back then no one openly discussed them and there was no “game” like there is now.

I see that Tom Torero has a podcast about shit tests as well. Probably a good listen for anyone with shit tests as a sticking point. I’m not that good at them most of the time, but I am very good at being non-reactive (a side effect of not being good at neutrality when I was younger and would rise to the bait).

Sociologist Mark Regnerus: ‘Cheap sex’ is making men give up on marriage

“Cheap sex is making men give up on marriage” is the article, and it should not surprise most guys reading here who have followed the community over the last couple years. His book is Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy.

In today’s dating market men can specialize in being the guy girls want to fuck or the guy they think they should want to marry. Or more realistically neither, but let’s ignore that for now. It is of course possible to do both but trade offs exist in the real world and most guys are better off specializing in being the fuck boy.

While women bemoan the lack “eligible” men, they actually mean that they want a guy who can fuck all the girls he wants but for some reason her magical pussy makes him monogamous to her and makes him want to transfer lots of financial and other resources to her, with basically nothing in return. Guys are waking up to how terrible a deal this is. If one woman walks, she’ll be replaced by another. Guys who know they can get laid live a very different life from guys who can’t.

Stated like that the situation obviously makes no sense.

The only way to judge who and what women actually want is to look at who they fuck. Smart guys hit the gym, up their style, and learn game. Dumb guys bemoan their “fate.”

My last bunch of relationships ended after three to twenty-four months when the woman wanted a timeline for cohabitation or eventually marriage, and I refused. Very few women will be long-term fuck buddies or even girlfriends without a timeline for cohabitation. That can yield a Groundhog-day quality to relationships, but in my experience that is much better than the situation I found myself in when I lived with the woman who is now my ex and the mother of two kids. While I didn’t marry her (a smart move) I did make a lot of other errors that are obvious in retrospect.

In the article, the author doesn’t even attempt to ask himself what legal structures might make men wary of marriage:

This ratio, he says, keeps ultimate relationship power in the hands of men. “To plenty of women, it appears that men have a fear of commitment. But men, on average, are not afraid of commitment,” Regnerus writes.

“The story is that men are in the driver’s seat in the marriage market and are optimally positioned to navigate it in a way that privileges their (sexual) interests and preferences. It need not even be conscious behavior on their part.”

Or maybe men have learned from their fathers and uncles and friends that any time a woman wants to, she can divorce him and take half his assets. If they have kids she can use the violence of the state to compel him to disgorge money to her for 18 – 24 years. So why would any man sign up for that shit? Answer: he won’t.

“I was also wondering if I really wanted to stay in the Game”

I am reading the Krauser book A Deplorable Cad, and about midway he drops this:

As winter approached I’d run out of steam for game. London was boring me, and my mojo was depleted. I was also wondering if I really wanted to stay in the Game. The happiest times in the year had been hanging out with Docile and then going on holiday to Barcelona with her and Gita. I’d also felt strangely at peace when sitting in cafes with Zaria just chatting and watching her read.

This book is the second or third out of four, and it’s only halfway done, so the reader knows that Krauser does not run out of steam for game. But I identify with his feeling because it’s another way of stating my feelings in “Ramblings about a change in perspective towards game and life.” Granted that I’m older than he was at the time described in the book and also that I have never been remotely as obsessed with game as he and his colleagues were or are. But there can be a kind of hollow void, I think, from relentlessly picking up strangers, many of whom are in turn using your tool to deal with some kind of void or psychological problem in their own lives.

“Many of whom,” not all of whom, mind. Lots of psychologically healthy girls like casual and not-so-casual sex as well.

I’m still committed to not marrying, but I wonder if one day I will soften to the idea of cohabitating with a woman again. It would be very hard to find a woman whose values and lifestyles mesh sufficiently with mine, but I don’t think it’d be impossible either.

She’d also have to be close enough to me in age. Realistically a man as old as I am cannot build a long-term life with any woman younger than her late 20s. It just won’t work if she’s younger. That much I know. It is always funny when you worry about using a girl for sex only to discover she is. . . using you for sex!

I should not be thinking too long-term right now. The date with the bike girl went very simply and very well. Before the date I did (or attempted) four warmup sets and got harsh blowouts from all of them. A very strange run, but then bike girl herself liked me a lot from the get go. She is more shy and introspective than she first seemed, when I think the riding had raised her spirits and also mine. But so far everything seems to be going well. She is also too young to make long long-term work. But I am enjoying the moment and am not going to complain when the right girl at the right time falls into the lap.

I will write more about A Deplorable Cad when I finish, but I judge that I am either less psychologically damaged than most of the game-obsessives or I am more delusional about psychological damage. Only the self-deluded believe they are beyond self-delusion. I still think I’m closer to normal than many of the characters in the book or who write game books of their own.

Having kids and thus needing a career also means that even if I wanted to go full bore I’d be unable to. It is still fascinating to see the people who have gone all the way.

Krauser emphasizes how real game forces a man to confront his own psychological demons, and I agree totally. Self-understanding is so hard and lacking it will often destroy even a man who works hard.

“What We Can Learn from Women Who Cheat”

What We Can Learn from Women Who Cheat” is extremely Red Pill, although it’s written by and about women. I don’t have a lot to add because the article does the work, but the tl;dnr is “Don’t get married.” Which you ought to already know.

Personally I don’t think monogamy is realistic or desirable, but that seems to be a debated point among many men. Once you realize women don’t want monogamy, you should be more motivated to up your game.

In my life, I noticed the couples around me with children were particularly preoccupied with the concept [of cheating], because their relationship was supposed to “work” for decades, but the notion of sleeping with the same person “until death do us part” was losing its appeal.

If you marry someone and you think you want monogamy, you may be setting yourself up for failure, according to women themselves. Sorry. Also, only the paranoid survive:

This was also confirmed by the sexologists and couples therapists with whom I spoke. Women cheat less impulsively; rather, they plan prudently and are more skilful in their cover up.

More:

Nowadays, women have higher standards of sexual fulfilment and romantic relationships, which they’re able to express. Once they realize they aren’t getting what they need from one relationship, they’re more likely to look for it elsewhere.

In other words, expect more bullshit from long-term relationships.

I think women are masters in lying to themselves about themselves as well as their sexual desires.

I’d call that “obvious.” Look at what she does, not what she says. Which is equally applicable to men. If he says he wants hotter women but finds video games more compelling than dead lifting, he is full of shit.

In the book, you talk about how one third to half the women surveyed are aroused by rape fantasies. That’s a pretty shocking revelation.

If rough sex is not part of your repertoire, it needs to be. Make sure you feel out the situation, though. Build up to it. I don’t recommend it being extremely rough on most first encounters. What women say they want and what they want is different.

Overall, remember that some men are cheated on and some men are cheated with. Which are you? Which will you be?

Favorite tactic: girls on dates [FR]

I dunno why, but I’ve had an eye for girls waiting on dates and especially girls on bad dates, and I like trying sneaky shit like telling girls, “You look bored waiting for your date.” One of my typical openers at a bar when I see a lone girl clearly waiting for someone is, “You must be waiting for a date. You think it’ll be any good?” Sometimes they’re waiting for a husband or boyfriend, but sometimes they’re not, and it’s a good quick icebreaker that starts with a quick sexual frame that isn’t gross.

This isn’t exactly an [FR], but it has some [FR] elements.

One recent example was in a coffee shop. There was an older but still slender and tight blonde woman who I pegged to be in her late 30s to early 40s. She was with a super nerdy, overweight and balding guy who was talking to her about programming and explaining his bitcoin company to her. I actually thought he was pretty interesting but her body language was so obvious that you’d have to be blind (or a total nerd I suppose) to miss it.

He got up to use the bathroom. I turned to her and said, “I can see your date isn’t going well. How’s online dating?” She said it wasn’t very good. I was, “That’s too bad. Here, write down your number quickly and we’ll go out. No bitcoin talk, I promise.”

Got the number and said, “You’re a former dancer, right?” She said, “How’d you know?” It’s obvious but I guess most guys are dumb. Guy came back and I studiously read my book.

(There is a term for this, I think it’s called cold lead, where you guess something about a person. If they say no, you can ask a followup question about them, and if they say yes they think you’re a brilliant person. Sherlock Holmes stories are filled with such things. Con men and “psychics” also use this technique. Smart people know how to see through it but it can be powerful in the moment even to smart people, and if someone is open to being seduced, wellllll. . . .)

We went out two days later. During the date, she told me that she wanted to find someone to have kids with, and I told her honestly that I’m the wrong person for that, but I’m the right person to see in the meantime. Through the date I could see her struggle with her principle (only guys who might give her a last-ditch shot at children) with her desire (sex is still fun).

I calibrated towards being a physically oriented sex guy. IMO it’s bad to lead on older women who want kids with the promise of monogamy and kids. They have only a limited period of time to have kids and it’s unethical to deprive them of that chance. Yes, women do many unethical things to men, but I still believe that having kids is one of the most important things a person can do, and even if women have mis-prioritized their lives they should still get their shot. Some things that most consider unethical are, properly considered, ethical, like sleeping with women who are married or have boyfriends (another thing I like to do). But with a woman who wants kids, it’s fine to say I’m not a kid guy and they should have fun in the meantime till they meet the kid guy.

We talked about dancing and her barre routine too. Lots of fitness things. I have been in this situation before, and some women who want kids fast thank me for my honesty and say no. Good for them. I hope they have kids. This one bit and we saw each other for a while. At the end she broke down crying saying that she wanted me and that the only guys who wanted her were guys she didn’t want. I felt bad for her but to be honest that’s the kind of dumb shit I expect to hear from 23-year-old girls, not women in their 30s or 40s. She is old enough to know beter but like so many people she wants contradictory things and can’t reconcile those things.

Like a lot of women, she wants children and a long-term relationship, but she’ll settle for sex right now, especially when she’s frustrated by a guy without game who she met online.