Really, really, don’t get married–take it from a woman

I spoke of Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, last year, but I was looking at it again after recommending it to a friend. Somehow I missed this the first time through:

Danica is hardly the first woman who shuts down at home and wakes up outside. Hers is archetypal tale of the muting of eros. I see women like her all the time—usually dragged into therapy by their frustrated husbands who are tired of being rejected, night after night. The typical complaint is: she is totally absorbed with the kids and has zero interest in sex. But it’s these very same women, I’ve found, who “come alive” in a completely unexpected romance.

Many men struggle to understand how the woman who can’t be bothered in the marital bed is suddenly having a torrid affair in which she just can’t get enough. For years, they’ve been thinking she’s just not interested in sex, period; now, with new evidence in hand, they reconsider—”she must not be interested in sex with me.”

For men, the reasons women behave this way is less important than the takeaway: don’t marry. Don’t cohabitate. Have an exit plan if you do anyway.

Seriously. Why would you want to be married to a Danica? I know you don’t believe your precious snowflake will turn into a sexless harpy (around you), while wantonly screwing other dudes, but reality doesn’t care about what you believe.

To a player, this book’s major lesson is, “Hitting on married women is a fine idea.” Hit her up at the right time and see what happens.

You can be the guy she cheats ON or WITH.

Choose.

“Author Robin Rinaldi’s open marriage experiment ends in divorce and a memoir”

I’m on the record recommending that men not marry. I’m also on the record recommending sex clubs and open relationships as part of a guy’s game repertoire. But if a guy is going to ignore my advice about marriage, he should also avoid sex clubs. Sex clubs and partner swapping is great in a low-stakes relationship. Chicks don’t respect relationships or monogamy today anyway, so leveraging a hot chick in order to more easily have sex with other hot chicks makes sense.

In a marriage, however, the woman holds all the cards because she can easily divorce a man and take half his assets and a fair amount of his money going forward. Marriage gives a woman all the leverage and leaves a man with none. “Author Robin Rinaldi’s open marriage experiment ends in divorce and a memoir” is a demonstration of why a married man should not do open relationships:

So began the San Francisco magazine writer’s year of living lustfully. Week nights, she rendezvoused with lovers at her downtown apartment or at a coed commune dedicated to sexual expression. Weekends she spent cozily at home with her husband, a man she loved and had been with for 18 years.

Granted, in this case, they would have divorced eventually anyway. I’m not going to analyze the whole piece through an evolutionary biology, Red Pill lens (the many Red Pill elements are obvious), but I’m going to leave it here as an example of the hazards a man faces in a contemporary marriage.

To my mind, a man who wants kids today should just pick a woman, have kids with her, and get the kids DNA tested. She may eventually leave and sue for child support, which sucks, but it’s better to pay only child support, instead of child support AND alimony.

The marriage contract (and it is a contract) is brutal, unfair, one-sided, and in need of reform.

“I know it was wrong but my desire for him and for adventure was so intense”

Some Like it Rough” is a basic female cheating story; the only surprising part is that the author claims she was monogamous for 9.5 years. The story ticks so many of the classic boxes:

Ilyas was my surf teacher for a week in Morocco. At that time, I was in a monogamous relationship for 9,5 years and I never cheated nor wanted to cheat on my partner.

She’s traveling alone and thus out of her typical environment. The likelihood of her being caught is low. This is why a lot of players love it when they open solo tourist girls.

I know it was wrong but my desire for him and for adventure was so intense.

Feelings matter more than commitments, which is why men should not marry. Marriage will not stop her. The feelings in the moment override everything.

Then he spanked me. And that changed my life. I had never been spanked during sex and I was amused and surprised. He kept doing it, and squeezing my butt too.

If a guy does not learn how to dominate a girl and do rough sex well, he is not going to keep her. Most women want to be dominated and want to submit. If a guy doesn’t make her submit, she will find another guy who will.

I was so thrilled about that incredible night, it was like having “real” sex for the first time.

More of the same.

I talked to all my friends about it and then to my boyfriend when we broke up. Everyone was very supportive and I never felt judged.

Women’s friends will encourage them to cheat. So why promise monogamy that won’t be reciprocated? Instead of pretending to do monogamy (that most people can’t or won’t do), I think going all the way in the opposite direction can be better for a guy with game.

“When a DNA Test Shatters Your Identity”

When a DNA Test Shatters Your Identity” is total Red Pill, in a mainstream package. Remember when I wrote, “DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it?” Same idea, different package.

Be the guy she cheats with, not the guy she cheats on.

There is one suspicious pregnancy that I’ve knowingly been a part of. It was at a business conference, years ago now, with a woman who already had one kid and was, I think, bored with her husband. She wasn’t very attractive, a low 6 probably (sorry, for those of you who who might be imagining the porn fantasy), and I think I only managed to get with her because there were two or three low 7s who could be played off her. I don’t think any of the 7s got fucked, unless they were extra conniving about it. But mine did, albeit with some sneaking around. When we eventually got to it, she badly wanted me to use a condom and I, um, didn’t want to. I eventually won and we spent the better part of two days screwing. And she spent time telling me how much she loved her husband but that she’s bored with him and that they barely have sex anymore.

We didn’t talk too much after that, as I respect the Secret Society and didn’t want the rest of her life to know about her transgression. I eventually learned, through Facebook, that she had a second kid. I looked at the timing and couldn’t help noticing the timing was pretty much perfect.

Now. She might already have been pregnant. She might have screwed six different guys in the week before the conference. Her husband might’ve done the deed the night she got home. But it’s also possible that the kid is going to do a 23andme one day and learn something shocking.

When you realize what a lot of women are capable of, your whole life and outlook changes. The man-o-sphere and Red Pill are full of guys worrying about what happens if or when their chick cheats. It’s impossible to protect yourself fully, but a guy can demand the DNA test for any kids fingered as his, and he can also realize that for every chick who cheats, there’s a guy she’s cheating with.

Our whole society is also now built around admiring and supporting women who cheat. It’s possible for a guy to stand against that cultural edifice, but it’s really hard and kind of pointless. The rewards are in being the guy she cheats with.

Downside is that I think most cheaters are older, less attractive, and have already been in a relationship for a pretty long time. So long that they’re bored and likely under appreciated. So if the right new hotness comes along, it might be time for her.

I also think chicks like the contrast. If she’s chosen a good worker guy who makes good money but is a little boring, she might be ready for exciting musician guy with the tats and shit. But if she’s chosen a free-spirited artist and is sick of not making rent or paying for the guy while he works on his music, Mr. Shit-Together $$$$ may appeal to her. I’ve seen it go both ways, more or less.

“Women cheat because they LOVE their husbands”?

Women cheat because they LOVE their husbands” is nonsense, fascinating nonsense but nonsense nonetheless. For guys, the “why” is less important than the all-important “don’t get married” and “DNA test for any kid she says is yours.”

If you stay with a woman long enough, you will be as bored of her as she is of you.

“Rebuilding a Sex Life Destroyed by Postpartum Depression”

Rebuilding a Sex Life Destroyed by Postpartum Depression” is framed as female-empowerment bullshit, but guys should read it and think, “This is why I shouldn’t get married. I don’t want to end up like that dude.”

Higher-end sex workers will usually admit that their typical clients are married guys with kids who aren’t getting much at home but love their wives. That doesn’t quite describe me (I wasn’t married), but I was in that general ballpark.

A guy doesn’t want to get in this position:

he was now someone I looked to as a caretaker, someone who helped me through the daily — sometimes minute-by-minute — struggles of postpartum depression. It was difficult to reconcile that Dan with the man who had been my lover.

Guys who cohabitate will often find themselves, if not there, then too close to it.

“Failing at Trying to Have an Affair” with Ashley Madison

Another day, another great Red Pill piece written by a woman. The most interesting thing about this woman’s affair is her premeditation. Most women who have affairs don’t consciously decide to do it, I think. It “just happens” when they get in the right situation. So this woman is a little different. In the intro, the writer says:

a single male friend of mine mentioned that his efforts at finding a long-term relationship were being hamstrung by the fact that an increasing number of the women he met on dating apps were already married. Some were polyamorous, some in open marriages, but they all seemed to be seeking out extramarital relationship with a kind of freedom and shamelessness that wouldn’t have been possible until recently.

Translation: don’t get married. Be the guy she cheats with, not the guy she cheats on. Women are allegedly refusing to be married “in the usual way.” As guys, we can’t control women, but we can let them get what they want. So let’s do that. After all, this storyteller says she was tired of being married and “I just wanted to do whatever I wanted.” Conventionally, marriage is about controlling your libidinous urges. Not anymore.

When women want new relationships they change: “So I went on a diet. I bought some new clothes. And then I set up a profile on Ashley Madison.” She wasn’t willing to work at being thin and pretty for her husband, but she was for the new guy.

The new guy and other guys are too timid to pull the trigger properly. They haven’t done game.

Another article, “The Joys of the Part-Time Long-Distance Relationship,” doesn’t say as much, but it’s really about how the woman in the relationship is free to get some strange dick while she’s traveling, thus rejuvenating herself or whatever.

For a man the lessons are obvious: don’t get married. Be careful about cohabitating, especially in small urban spaces. Expecting monogamy in today’s sexual climate is unreasonable, so you had better think about alternate arrangements.

DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it

DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it:

The site uses your DNA to match you with other relatives in the 23andMe database. How often do you hear about people who discover they’re actually adopted or have a secret sibling?

Every day. Every day. The nonpaternity average in this country is much higher than people think it is. There’s a good chance there’s an “Uncle Joe” in your family who’s actually just “Joe.” So everyone has a story like that; they just don’t necessarily know it. In the early days, we wondered: How are we going to handle this? And in some ways, I think we’ve helped normalize it.

Think about that, “the nonpaternity average in this country is much higher than people think it is,” next time you’re uncertain about approaching, or the next time you think, “She could be the one, I should get married.”

When I have some time I will write about the woman who may have had my kid. I met her at a work conference but didn’t directly work with her; she was married and had had one kid already; sorry to say that she wasn’t that hot; she wanted me to use a condom, while I did not want to use a condom; the timing with her kid #2 works out suspiciously. I don’t know for sure.

If we had a country and medical system that gave a shit about men, DNA tests would be mandatory at birth. But we don’t. We live in a world centered around female privileges absent any female responsibilities, and we live in a world where men are judged solely on performance. Maybe we shouldn’t live in this world, maybe we should: but it is the world we do live in, whether that is good or bad. 

Skin in the game, marriage, The Red Pill

The new Nassim Nicholas Taleb book Skin in the Game explains why men shouldn’t marry. Men have a lot of skin in the marriage game and women have none. But you should not trust many of Taleb’s specific claims; he likes calling so many other people charlatans that you begin to wonder about his own status.

Taleb gives many examples of asymmetric risk and situations where people have skin in the game. His knowledge of skin in the game comes from his own experiences. “In an option, one person (the buyer of the option), contractually has the upside (future gains), the other (the seller) has a liability for the downside (future losses), for a pre-agreed price. Just as in an insurance contract, where risk is transferred for a fee. Any meaningful disruption of such symmetry—with transfer of liabilities—invariably leads to an explosive situation, as we saw with the economic risis of 2008.”

You know where most women have no skin in the game, leading to an explosive situation?

Marriage.

When a woman gets and stays married for some period of time, she has access to half her husband’s financial resources (assuming that he makes more than her). If the couple buy property together, she will likely keep the property in a divorce. If they have children, in most states, she will get automatic custody, along with child support, possibly until the child is 22.

A woman who marries gets a ton of optionality.

What does the man get?

Sex? No. That’s at the woman’s discretion. And guys are much better off learning game than attempting to mate in captivity. Most women’s erotic attraction to a man declines rapidly with cohabitation.

Money? Maybe, if he marries a woman who is a substantially higher earner than him, but that is rare.

Fidelity? If he is lucky, maybe. He may not be so lucky. You cannot negotiate genuine desire.

Love? He doesn’t need a contract with the state to verify his love.

Now you know why older women may be eager to marry: she is financially incented to.

The man doesn’t get money, unless his wife makes more than he does. But if she quits or down-shifts her job, that will go away.

Taleb says, “asymmetry in risk bearing leads to imbalances and, potentially, to systemic ruin.” When a man marries, he is risking systemic ruin for… what? I have no idea and have never seen a good answer to this question.

Taleb says, “The notion of belief without sacrifice, which is tangible proof, is new in history.” Marriage is, for a woman, “belief without sacrifice.” She sacrifices nothing and asks the man to potentially sacrifice everything, up to and including his freedom. If the man cannot pay child support, he will likely be jailed, thus ensuring that he will lose his job and fall further behind. This is called “being a deadbeat dad.”

He may have children, but the woman and the medical system will resist DNA testing to make sure they are his (personal experience speaking here).

Marriage can only barely, kind of make sense for a man who marries a woman who makes substantially more money than he does. Most women, of course, do not want to marry a man who makes less than they do, so that is a rare situation.

Women wonder why guys aren’t eager to get married without asking themselves, “What does the guy get out of marriage?” When marriage was the only legitimate way to access sex, and when the entire social structure revolved around marriage, marriage made sense. That period ended with the Sexual Revolution, the baby boomers, and second-wave feminism. Smart men today do not marry, which is all asymmetric risk for them. The woman has no skin in the game and the man has a lot. Don’t fall for this trap. Read Taleb. Read more real books and less Internet.

Don’t trust me either. Go talk to your divorced friends, or your dad’s divorced friends. Their testimony is ten times more valuable than what I have to say. Follow the links to Real World Divorce. Today, men who are foolish enough to sign up for marriage without understanding the legal risk they are taking almost deserve what they get. They are being grifted by women and by the larger society. Don’t be a mark. Be Fat Tony (but not fat).