“When Women Pursue Sex, Even Men Don’t Get It” is really about why most guys are pussies. Sorry, guys, but it’s true:
Women aren’t the only ones experiencing some cognitive dissonance between their animalistic urges and the social conventions of dating. “More and more men are finding it difficult to be as direct, when it comes to dating and sex, as previous generations of men maybe once were,” says Chiara Atik, author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide. We all get that the rules of traditional courtship — in which men make every single advance and women demur or acquiesce — are dead, but we haven’t replaced them with a new standard operating procedure. “Everyone’s being kind of wishy-washy,” Atik says. “Women want sex, but they don’t want to be seen as forward (or worse, desperate). Men want sex but are intimidated, unconfident, or don’t want to be seen as domineering. We’re not sure who should be the sexual instigators, and then no one really steps up to the plate.”
Now let me blunt. You, as a man, should not find “it difficult to be as direct.” You should come to find it easy. If you see a woman you like, go chat her up. If she’s receptive, ask her out. If you go out with her, you pick the venues and activities and lead her. If she seems happy or neutral on the date, you invite her back. You initiate foreplay and then sex, but in a controlled manner that sub-verbally checks in with her. You tell her what to do (while getting that feedback from her). Figure out what she likes. For some women it’s neck kisses. For some it’s their earlobes. Some (most) want to be spanked. Some want their nipples tortured. Some want their nipples caressed. Figuring out what she likes should be fun and should be directed by you. It is your job to direct those animal urges from beginning to end.
I like the game definition offered by the Good Looking Loser guy: game is looks, social freedom, style, and killer instinct. “Social freedom” and “killer instinct” are another way of saying: “Don’t be wishy-washy. Make things happen.” That’s it, whether you want to call it “game” or charisma or something else.
The rules of “traditional courtship” are not really dead. They have shifted somewhat and women are obviously much more willing to have sex now than they were in 1950 or 1900. But the man still needs to be the sexual instigator if he wants a good sex life (and he is not a celebrity or something… if he is, he does not need my advice).
Being the instigator also means you will be rejected. Probably a lot. Sorry. It hurts at first and maybe always hurts. I’ve been on a long cold streak lately, with probably 30 or 40 outright, real rejections in the last couple months. Maybe I am getting too old. Whatever it is, my choice is to give up or keep trying. I’ve probably been rejected more than the vast majority of guys. That doesn’t matter. I’ve also accomplished pretty much everything sexual I could want to accomplish. Some of that happened too soon (kids in my 20s, but at least I didn’t marry their mother / my ex). But it all happened and is still happening for me. The kinky shit I’d rather not share here has been a part of my life. But so has a lot of darkness. A lot of rejection. They come together. Very few guys get one without the other.
Chiara Atik is wrong about male-female dynamics. Men will likely always be the aggressors. If you get comfortable with being the aggressor in a calibrated way you will become attuned to indicators of interest women put out. If you do some of the obvious TRP things like lift, use your time productively, approach women, and improve your style, you will do better than most guys. You may still not do as well as the really rich, attractive, socially astute guys who have the advantages you don’t. So be it. Life isn’t fair. It never has been or will be. Life is about taking what you have and maximizing it. Many of the stories I have posted in this account are about that philosophy.
I think that women are right: most guys probably are intimidated by a woman who initiates (you shouldn’t be, if it happens, and it won’t very often). But there’s another factor, unstated by the article: most women are probably initiating with a guy several levels above their level of attractiveness. When I’ve been explicitly hit on by women, it’s almost always been by fatties or other women I wouldn’t deign to even fuck. Some of them probably went and told their friends that guys don’t like women who initiate. Ha.
Women who are as attractive as you or more attractive will very rarely explicitly hit on guys. They’ll implicitlyhit guys by smiling a lot, playing with their hair, maintaining intense eye contact, maintaining proximity, and other things like that, but they will not make the first move in the ways that I’ve made the first move. These days, I assume a woman from the past who initiates contact of any kind (text message, usually, but not always) is looking for sex, and I try to escalate appropriately if I want to.
To be clear, I think we would live in a better world if more women initiated and did so directly. But we’ll never see that world, for reasons based in biology, and consequently I don’t spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about what that world would be like, and I don’t spend time proselytizing for it.
As you move forward in your life journey you will also discover something that I wish I had discovered sooner, in that most women don’t have much to offer beyond sex. Once you realize that your whole life changes and you will become much pickier about who you date (you will also realize how badly women want to be fucking kinky and have great sex). Cause you will realize that women have almost as little control over who they find attractive as you do. You’ll learn to be that man, take the pain that comes with it (from rejection), and do better than most guys. Most women never get the kind of pain men do and consequently never develop into the person they could become.
If you are overly intimidated you are a pussy (it’s normal to feel some intimidation or trepidation, and probably only sociopaths never feel it). Stop being a pussy.