“Fat acceptance” will never happen in the places it matters

Flat Lander writes,

“[the single mother] at the BBQ was too fat and likely old. I did my usual in that situation: didn’t say too much, but when I did talk, I only talked about lifting, fitness, and nutrition.”

@TheRedQuest doing his part against fat acceptance.

I appreciate the mention and encouragement, but I’m also really unconcerned with the fat acceptance movement. It’s pure virtue signaling and has zero impact in the place it matters most: dating and mating markets. Even the handful of people who think fat acceptance is a thing still prefer not to date fatties.

Markets are beautiful because they separate the lies people say (meaning, most of what people say) from what people actually want. Almost no one wants fatties. Even if most people are polite to fatties, as I typically am, the fatties still won’t be able to get good dates.

That being said, I feel some compassion towards fat people, but before you think I’ve become an everyone-is-special loser, I say that I feel some compassion towards fat people because our entire built environment is geared towards making people fat. Kids are told to sit down and be quiet from an early age; recess is in peril, while gym is often a joke. The vast majority of cities are built around cars that transport fatties around with zero effort, so that no one needs to bike or walk. White-collar work demands that most people sit at desks. Most people don’t even have a sit-stand desk (although I see this changing, slowly). Someone who bikes to work is seen as either an improbable hero who is far removed from everyday life or a weirdo. I’ve been seen as both.

Sugars and simple carbs are everywhere in our society. For decades, the USDA and other organizations encouraged everyone to eat a high-carb, low-fat diet (I believed it, too, up until the mid to late ’00s, when the counter evidence became overwhelming). In fact, the opposite is desirable: a high-fat, low-carb, zero-sugar diet.

Most people who don’t want to be fatties must actively fight against the society in which we live. Many don’t even understand nutrition or its importance in their lives. For most people, who just go with the flow around them, becoming a fattie is the default state. We should build a society in which cars are unnecessary, biking is common, and simple carbs are rare.

I know that’s an improbable utopia. But we can try to do it. You, the reader, can try by getting a bike and riding it. That’s an improvement almost any normal person can do. Encourage other people to ride, but don’t be an asshole about it.

Two things are simultaneously true:

  • The entire food and physical environment is geared towards making people fat.
  • An individual person can choose a different path, one that takes him or her away from being a fattie. (As I have done.)

Saying “The environment is built to make fat people” does not absolve someone of individual responsibility, but it does make me understand why most of us are fat.

The “individual responsibility” part is why I sometimes invite fatties to the gym with me, or become a bore who only talks about sugar and deadlifting and foam rollers during certain social moments. We can do better, if we choose to do so. I pity the fatties, because most don’t really know what to do or lack the willpower necessary to execute the program. Being fat is detrimental beyond dating life. It signals sloth and low conscientiousness to employers. It increases health costs and decreases mental acuity. Why would anyone try to “accept” that? It’s a horrible condition that should be changed, not accepted.

If you want a fun mechanical hobby, take a bike repair class. Bikes are beautiful machines that most people don’t understand. Working on bikes is an absolutely terrible way to meet chicks, but it’s fun to do.

The dating, mating, and business worlds are already so mean to fatties that there’s really no reason to fight against “fat acceptance.” The fight has already been won and will remain won forever.


Always with the single moms

I mentioned going to a BBQ for the Fourth of July, and it was okay. Most entertaining was the single mom there, a friend-of-a-friend thing who saw me and made it her mission to ruthlessly hit on me. I felt a little bit like young hot chicks must feel. That wasn’t the first time such a thing happened, either. I think I read as good single-mom bait because from the outside I seem responsible and reasonably economically successful, and I’m in the same boat, so other people my age think it’s “natural” for me to get set up with 30+ single moms. It’s “age-appropriate.”

But I’m not into being “age appropriate” (a concept chicks use to denigrate their rivals) and am very rarely interested. Mind, I’m not automatically and always opposed to chicks who have already reproduced. The Internet is filled with guys who only bang hotties decades younger than them, all of whom are, I’m sure, telling the truth, but I can be happy with older chicks who still got it.

One of my long-term, occasional lovers is a woman in her early 40s who is hotter than many 20-year-olds, mostly because the older woman is naturally very slender and was a professional dancer. She still works in dance and reads as late 20s. I think she’s had a little work on her face. She loves sex and it took her about 15 years to get over her sexual inhibitions (as she once said to me, “If I could go back in time, I would have been the biggest slut in college.” She gets off, hard, on being called “slut” in bed). I met her through the non-monogamy scene, and she has a husband who tried to hang with her but couldn’t. He’s got no sex appeal, so she does her thing on her own and he can do his thing but doesn’t have what it takes. I think he has some sort of girlfriend, but she doesn’t bring him to events.

Fine with me. Another case of mis-matched libido. I get what I want and don’t worry about the other guy, or even her main boyfriend. Major point is that she has a good body type for getting older and hasn’t let herself go. She also has nice, goofy, non-bitchy energy, and that’s refreshing compared to many of her peers. She’s almost divorced her husband a couple times but didn’t quite get there.

So, I’m not such an aesthete that I can’t get behind the right mom, but the one at the BBQ was too fat and likely old. I did my usual in that situation: didn’t say too much, but when I did talk, I only talked about lifting, fitness, and nutrition. Conversations normal people find very boring. At the end I told her she can come to the gym with me sometime. I even told her to look me up on Facebook. This one may show up, based on her eagerness.

Somewhere around age 30, hanging out with people my own age got much worse. At age 20 or 25, hanging out with peers brought innumerable sexual opportunities. Now, I have to seek those opportunities out, because they don’t arise by hanging out with people my own age. At the same time, I can’t really hang with packs of 25-year-olds. I mean, it’s not impossible, but for generic 25-year-olds I’m the “old guy” in the room, and that’s usually not a great place to be.

Everyone (actually, I mean “every woman”) thinks that I should be their divorced friend’s first stop. I’m attractive enough to be a catch but not so attractive as to be intimidating. And most of my corporate and vanilla friends don’t know much about my other lives, in game and non-monogamy. Some do… with enough drinks to let the dirty laundry out and to make things plausibly deniable the next morning, I’ll talk a little. But that wasn’t the situation at the BBQ. Most the guests were well over 30 or under 10. Not a good place for finding chicks. I’m sure this isn’t the last time I’ll find myself near a predatory single mom or that one of my friends will attempt to set me up with one.

How to get chicks to go to the sex club

There is no single way I get chicks into the group-sex or open-relationship idea, because every chick is a little different and needs different calibration. Libido Girl, who got me into the scene, is highly unusual, and I’ve not met many chicks like her. Since she got me into it, I’ve brought a bunch of chicks to clubs, but there’s a finesse to doing it well. A chick who is super sex-positive will be different than a chick who is sex-negative or comes from a highly religious background. Typically I don’t say anything about this part of my life and experience until we’ve been sleeping together for a while, at least a couple weeks, and by that time she’s more in my world than she is during the leadup to sex or immediate aftermath of it.

My personal vibe is also open to experience and non-judgmental, and that will make the girl more honest about what she’s into and what she’s done. I’m confident many chicks still lie or omit, and that’s fine, but they see what I do in bed and how I talk to them. In bed I use collars, restraints, blindfolds, floggers, and paddles in bed. I like making sex tapes. To me all that stuff is normal, to the point now that I forget most chicks aren’t used to a full-body, all out experience. I bring stuff out a little too quickly, leading to the, “Do you do this with every girl?” question.

(Typical response: “I look at sex as the ultimate experience and am with you, here, right now, and we’re learning about each other. I’m figuring out what you like and respond to. We’re in this together, and we’re exploring.” This basic suite of ideas overcomes that question, which can be a shit test but is really I think the chick being worried about me being a player and being worried about her just being another number. Which she often is, but we’ll leave that to the side.)

When I’m prepping a new chick, I’ll start by asking her about threesomes. What was her first threesome like? That phrasing is crucial: if a guy asks if she’s had a threesome, she’s less likely to admit it than if he asks how her first threesome was. Some chicks will say they haven’t had one. If they have, I’ll ask how’d it go? What were her partners like? If they haven’t had one, I’ll ask if they’ve fantasized about them.

Usually the girl will reciprocate and ask about my experiences, and I’ll tell her about my first threesome and one or two other experiences. I emphasize the idea that a girl typically has an amazing experience because the attention is on her. Two people kissing her, two people on her neck, one one her neck another going down on her, etc. In a sexually charged environment, like being nude in bed with the chick, this is often highly arousing to her.

This will lead to a segue into going to a party or club. “I’ve know this sex club, and we should go.” “Some people are having a sex party, and I want you to come with me.” Chicks rarely say yes immediately. They’ll usually have a barrage of questions about what it’s like, how I got into it, what I know about it, will I have sex with another chick there. But chicks, at least chicks I’m with, rarely reject the idea outright, either. Remember that it’s important for the chick to be sexually bonded before a guy brings this idea up. Sometimes I’ll make the inquiry overly soon, like I did with Bike Girl. That isn’t optimal, but if a guy senses a girl is deeply into him quickly, it can be done.

When I introduce the idea to a chick, I emphasize the fantasy aspect. This is about us living out her fantasies and exploring what she really likes. Most chicks, I think, have a robust fantasy life they’re too scared to seek out. Evolution has bequeathed most chicks with a certain conservatism, on the surface. That’s because most chicks who don’t do much, still get to reproduce. Some guy will come along and seduce her or make her his, and her genes will get into the next generation.

There is actually genetic evidence for this: geneticists have found that we’re descended from about eighty percent of the women who have ever reached reproductive age and about forty percent of the men. The average guy died without issue. The average chick had some babies. Chicks subconsciously know that they don’t have to try and should probably not try most things on their own. This is why chicks start fewer companies and far fewer chicks become important artists or scientists. Nothing drives them out to the bleeding edge.

Chicks typically look to guys for guidance about what to do and how to behave. This is also why guys don’t learn how to lead will never get their sex lives to where their sex lives should be. A lot of game is just leading a chick through the steps and into your bed. Chicks rarely take affirmative, direct actions to make their sex lives better. Instead, they wait for a guy to come along and make their lives happen.

As a younger guy, I didn’t understand why chicks won’t be proactive. Now I get it and have adjusted my behavior accordingly.

Most chicks are not very sexually experimental, on the surface. Many exceptions, like Libido Girl, exist, but game should target the median hot chick, and then game should be calibrated to the individual girl’s temperament. A deft guy can often bring chicks into his reality and do the things with her that she’ll deny to her friends and sometimes even herself. (“It’s not me who’s in charge, he’s just making me do this.”) Giving a chick plausible deniability is a good way to get her into bed. That’s why no one says, “Do you want to come back to my place for sex?” It’s always, “I have a bottle of wine.” “Let’s go watch a movie.” “Let’s play guitar.” When the chick says, “Okay, but I’m not having sex with you,” the guy says, “Who said anything about sex? It’s interesting that that’s on your mind.” Etc., etc. Standard game things.

The first chick I took to a club, after Libido Girl introduced me, was someone who I’d met previously at a business / networking event. I’d seen her for a while, she’d broken it off (I didn’t know how to handle non-monogamy then and was just getting disentangled from my co-parent) and she’d boomeranged back. I took her to some events and that’s when this whole thing began to click for me, and I figured out that parties are mostly about guys who want to trade chicks and thus get lots of casual sex on “easy mode.” Well, not that easy because the guy has to be attractive, socially skilled, and bring the hot chick in the first place. But if he has those elements in place, the sex part naturally flows.

So that is how I went from being taken to a party to taking other chicks in. The most interesting girl I brought is probably the one I mention here, from a couple years ago. She was a high 8 or maybe low 9 but didn’t act like it, or dress like it most of the time. I think she was young enough to not fully appreciate her SMV then. She was also introverted and didn’t behave in the hot young bitchy girl way, so we were uncommonly compatible. And if a guy brings in a true stunning chick, he will forever be the guy who can get hot chicks, thus opening many interesting experiences and doors.

Happy Fourth of July, to the Americans reading this. I’m going to a BBQ that is likely to be extremely boring (older people or kids). I’m at an age where hanging out with my chronological peers is a waste of time from a game perspective, but it’s an offer and we’ll see what happens.

“Can We Talk About Toxic Feminity?”

Can We Talk About Toxic Feminity?

Consider this your chance and place to talk. Personally, I don’t care that much, because when I find a toxic woman I get her out of my life, or don’t let her in in the first place.

But the phrase “toxic masculinity” keeps getting used, while its opposite almost never does.

Tells you something.

Interesting text from the 20-year-old

Some of you have been following the saga of the 20-year-old; I’d given up on her, and we last texted on June 9, when I sent her a morning-after, thanks for the lovely evening text, and then she replied in kind and I never replied in turn. Not texting her since wasn’t really “game” on my part, because I was tired of chasing her, despite how much I like sex with her.

Today she wrote me, “Hey, sorry I didn’t get to see you very much before I went home for a bit. I had way more going on than I expected! Will let you know when I’m back.” Then there was a (non-sexual) callback to something specific between us.

So that’s interesting. I’m going to reply tomorrow with something like, “Cool, lmk when you’re back,” and then a reference to her callback. I’m not expecting much. Usually, chicks either drop off or we keep having sex. This chick has been a reliable responder and has showed up to some dates, but she’s not gotten reliably into the rotation.

I reiterate my assertion that “Attention is the only tool modern men have.” Most guys waste their attention.

I think I said something like this before, but the 20-year-old has some minor health issues; she does seem to have a complicated work and family life; and she might be juggling other dudes. Well, she’s certainly juggling other dudes, I just don’t know how far that goes. And I don’t care much. I can’t affect that. I can only affect myself.

She’s also scattered and disorganized, like most chicks her age. I see a lot of guys trying to read into chicks’ inscrutable behavioral clues. Sometimes the right answer is about game, sometimes the right answer is, “She’s scattered, she doesn’t know what she wants, she doesn’t care very much about guys unless she wants it.” In other words, there is no “reason” as to why she behaves the way she behaves. I think my game with her has been imperfect but fine. I haven’t done a lot wrong, apart from sub-standard (but still functional) sex the first time we did it.

When I was less experienced I thought that there is always a right answer and a meaning behind chicks’ behaviors. I have learned to love the chaotic and random hypotheses.

(Amendment: She says she isn’t coming back until August, so that’s that.)

It’s like word is getting out about how marriage is a bad deal

The Trouble with Johnny Depp” is about the fall of a debauched star, so it’s an old story, but regular readers will recognize this:

Depp’s inner circle had begged him to not wed Heard or to at least obtain a prenup. Depp ignored his loved ones’ advice. And there were whispers that Depp’s recreational drug and alcohol use were crippling him.

Marriage is a contract. It used to be that men exchanged wealth, earnings, safety, and effort for sex and a higher degree of paternity likelihood from women. Today, sex is easy and women make their own money, so there is little reason to introduce the government into a private exchange. There is really really no reason for a wealthy, famous man to marry.

My guess, however, is that whatever personality traits or inner demons drive Depp as an artist also make him make impulsive or stupid decisions, like his decision to marry Heard. He is not the only wealthy, famous man to make bad decisions around women.

It may also be that Depp has been living in a fantasy world for so long that he has no idea what reality looks like. I’ve never met any famous celebrities, but I have met seemingly regular people who seem to have no touch with reality, and being around them is strange. I mean, it’s okay when they’re on drugs and when they come off the drugs they’ll be normal again, but it’s not good when unmoored is their default state.

Say what you will about Depp and Musk, they have the resources to recover from their bad decisions. Regular man may not have those resources.