Reveal vs Restructure: “This is why the Player’s Journey can be so traumatic for many men. They are diving deep into their inner game to confront long-suppressed demons.”

Krauser’s post “Reveal vs. Restructure” is the most important post about beginner mental state that I’ve ever read.

You should read the Nick Krauser books on game, like “Adventure Sex”

You should read the Nick Krauser books. They are expensive and only available as physical copies on Lulu. But they are also far more in-depth than almost any forum post, blog, or website. If you spend any amount of time here, they are going to be worth the money because they explain in detail the theory and practice of fucking hot girls, just like the very good textbooks in college are chosen because they’re comprehensive and will accelerate your learning / knowledge.

In my head I’m good with women but on reading the Krauser memoirs I’ve started to realize that I’m not, not really. I have some key advantages in terms of looks, vibe, and a willingness to take rejection, but I’m not good. I could never write Adventure Sex because I don’t know enough to write it. We’re around the same age, maybe I’m a little older, but it’s rare for me to fuck anywhere near the quality girls he does. For like two years I was seeing this girl who was 19 – 21 cause she was working in a coffee shop and I worked her there, but that was an anomaly and I know it. When she wanted to move in with me and I said no things came to their end.

Adventure Sex is mostly about the processes that lead to success. It also recognize the darkness that tinges his writing. Sometimes he makes the darkness explicit, as when he fucks one girl and she says:

“You should give my boyfriend sex lessons. You’re so good at it!” A man doesn’t want to hear that. Superficially it’s great for the ego to know you’re cucking another guy – it’s like stealing his lunch money – and also to be flattered about your sexual prowess. The downside is it forces you to look into the abyss. Men Really don’t like to know how depraved and wanton women really are. We prefer the purity fantasy.

(Page 288)

When I was younger I think I preferred the purity fantasy also, especially about the woman who I was with for a lot of my 20s and who is the mother of two of my children (yes, I checked via DNA, for those of you wondering). But purity isn’t real and most women can be turned towards hot adventure sex. In most women the desire to be fucked by a hot guy is there, however subdued it is. I remember the first time I fucked a married woman in her mid-30s (or really I just got fucked by her). She was hot enough for me and it was easy to read the boredom in her eyes, but she basically took me up more than me taking her up. If you are like most guys and wait for chicks you will not do as well as you can. With her I felt both dominant and disgusting after it. It’s a strange but real sensation and the sort of thing you do not read on Reddit very much (I think because most of the guys here are not so experienced, or as experienced as they claim). Experiencing deep, conflicting emotions is somewhat common in real life but does not get a strong airing on Reddit. That woman was one of the keys for me, and she helped me fully understand the (hot) depravity that a lot of women are capable of, but that much of society tries to hide from men.

Truth is that with her I didn’t do that much apart from opening the door. If it hadn’t been me it would’ve been someone else. I want to get even better though and make more things happen, but getting better means knowing your weaknesses and systematically working to improve them.

I am rambling some but the point is that the book is good, and pretty much every chapter I highlighted a section that made me go, “Yes, that is exactly how it is.” Or:

The ten minutes after sex are probably the only times in my life I have a genuinely clear mind, freed from sexual desire and at peace with the world. Women can’t fully appreciate just how thoroughly the sex drives dominates a man’s life. He’s never free of it. It’s testosterone that determines your libido and men have seventeen times more of it than women.

(Page 290)

I feel similarly but to do good work I have to thrust sex out of my mind and focus solely on work, forcing my attention to it if need be. It’s mostly after work that the sex drive comes flooding back and I find myself on the hunt, thinking and acting with my dick, chasing chicks, looking online, in bars, escorts, the sex tapes I’ve made, whatever, depending on what I need and what the options are. I don’t live in a great place for day game and that is a shame because if I did I would try it more (I am also not very good at it).

The paradoxes of being a really successful guy are many, and I do not see them discussed as often as I should. The thinking here is too binary, too black and white in a world filled with gray and ambiguities. Paradoxes like, “Successful player have it within themselves to maintain that empirical mindset while also being creative, inductive and deductive at the same time.” Most guys are empiricists or creatives, but the best ones fuse the two.

I talked about the darkness earlier and it strikes again at the end of the book:

Most men are not sexually attractive and in 2009 that described me. I’d experienced White Man God mode in Japan but knew it was overrated – it’s never the hot Asian girls who play that game with you. Gamme males such as 2009-vintage me play that game because they are completely frozen out of their own mating markets. Better a mid-level Asian girl than a fat Western sow.

Game had promised a way out – a secret system of tricks and wheezes to bullshit women into bed, or so I thought in the beginning. That promised to be something I lacked. I began my journey with a crushing burden of negative limiting beliefs, all stemming from that one gnawing self-esteem issue – I wasn’t attractive to girls.

(page 493)

The journey of becoming attractive took many years and many tries. The things that drive him may not drive you. Like for him it is all about the new girl and the next girl and he does not want to spend time with the girls mostly. I really like that and I am also obsessed with making my own porn videos, so I am not the same as him and neither are you. I like group sex and anonymity and other things like that, things that some of you here will think are degenerate but I find them super hot. Your goals will change with what you really want. I also have an extreme aversion to fat girls and have sometimes said pointlessly mean things to them. I have also sometimes talked about why diet matters and discipline and other psychological things that fat girls don’t get, unless they want to stop being fat.

There are a lot of posts on Krauser’s website, but they cannot achieve the comprehensiveness of the books. Books and long-form narrative are still irreplaceable, and if the only reading you do is fragmentary Internet stuff you are wasting time and mental energy. Yes, Reddit is useful in its place but it cannot and will not replace books. You will very rarely get real experts on Reddit, here or in the seduction subsection. Sorry. I know I am not a real expert but I also have a decent idea of what real experts are like.

Real seduction experts are also rare because most guys eventually settle in with a hot, high-quality woman. It takes an unusual guy to keep at the game (“Had I been a normal man, I’d have married her already. Sadly, I’m not a normal man.”) I think he’s got an extremely avoidant attachment style. If you Google Scholar some more you will find it. I don’t know if that issue comes from childhood or from his first wife or what, but I do not think very many people could live anything like him.

There are bad parts of Adventure Sex. Krauser is a flaming, incredible racist. It also seems that his earlier failures with women haunt them in a way that may be familiar to some of you but are not familiar to me. I did pretty well with girls in high school / college, so I look at that time as a period of fun and experimentation rather than failure. I am not filled with resentment about missed opportunities, etc. One senses that his early failures drive his present obsessions, and that is not true of me. I am driven more by pure hedonism and the realization that the conventional path is fucked up.

The reader experiences a lot of cognitive dissonce reading Krauser’s racist and anti-semitic sentences and metaphors, because one would think that a person so smart in some domains would be able to transfer that intelligence into others. Instead, one experiences a sense of disgust. One also notes that the girls Krauser bangs don’t know about (or seek to know about) his racist ideas, or, if they do not, they don’t punish him for it.

But I keep reading because despite his ugly comments he has accomplished something few men do and come back to report on it.

Anyone doing any online dating needs to learn basic photography skills

Anyone doing any online dating needs to learn basic photography skills. This is not hard: you need a little bit of time, money, inclination, and a camera. The data are clear: better cameras get better results. You need to get better pics if you want better results.

Photography is the manipulation of three basic settings (aperture, ISO, and shutter speed) and the knowledge of a handful of other factors (light quality, lens length, sensor size, and framing). That’s it. A reasonable person can learn almost everything important about these factors with an afternoon of Googling and experimenting with a camera.

Women I’ve met via online dating consistently say that my pics look better than most guys’ and that I can actually write in complete sentences (they say this is rare, although I don’t know if it is or not). In an age of cell phone pics, a real camera will go a long way to improving your overall rate.

I am not even advocating something like Goldmund’s camera game, which I don’t do and can’t speak to. I am advocating for basic skills that are likely to accentuate who you are and improve your overall outcomes. As with many things TRP, this is another small boost and it will not compensate for weak game, cutting all simple carbs, social anxieties, and other problems that scupper men. A while ago I wrote about why you should ride a motorcycle. A motorcycle and camera in and of themselves will obviously not get you laid and will not compensate for poor fundamentals.

They, however, can augment your overall vibe and, used correctly, make you stand out and be more seductive. Both have skill components that are attractive to women. Judicious use of good photos on social networks like Snapchat may also lead to dead leads coming back to life. I do not advocate using social networks very much as for the most part they are a waste of scarce time, energy, and attention, but today’s reality is also simple: most women are on them, a lot.

For example, if I have a reasonably strong connection or dead FWB with a woman, I will ping them to re-start in six to twelve months. This doesn’t work incredibly often but it is a quick way of picking up some easy lays without much work. If a woman likes a picture (they only look at pictures—don’t bother writing), I assume she wants to sleep with me. Often this isn’t borne out (ha ha! if only it were reliable), but it’s a useful enough heuristic. Women are photo-centric and so being able to shoot good pics effectively, especially with other women (implicit social proof) is useful.

You may not know what camera to get. Here is the open secret: it DOESN’T MATTER. On the Internet camera geeks endlessly argue. Fuck them. I will tell you to start with a used Sony RX-100 III. This camera has a large sensor, a wide aperture, and a flip-up screen that allows for selfies. Women fucking love selfies, so the flip-up screen is key. It should be about $400 – $600. Right now Amazon Warehouse deals offers them for $525.

If that is too high, try an earlier RX-100 version I, which is still a good camera. Something more substantial is an original Olympus EM-5 (original version) with a Panasonic 20mm lens. But the camera isn’t that important and you shouldn’t fixate on the particular camera. If you can score an old Canon or Nikon that will likely work fine.

Obviously it’s also fun to take hot pics of sexy women, but you already know that so I won’t belabor the point. Most contemporary women want to feel like models and want to pose for sexy guys.

Ride a motorcycle—for fun, transport, and dating

Guys who’re dating should ride a motorcycle. To be sure, motorcycles can be incredibly dangerous, but if you ride conservatively and carefully you will likely only fall once. Motorcycles also attract daredevils, which likely skews the data on injuries and fatalities. Still, I try to restrict riding to daylight hours and to surface streets rather than highways.

Riding is itself incredibly fun. You can learn how by Googling “learn how to ride a motorcycle in city x.” Courses will cost $150 – $400 or so. Let me emphasize that YOU MUST TAKE A CLASS. You can maybe learn from a buddy w/ a bike but I still recommend the class. If you do not take it you are risking your life and health for little reason.

Ride for yourself but you should also know that women fucking LOVE motorcycles. I have a Zero Electric and it’s amazing. I will never ride a conventional, gas-powered bike full-time again. You can likely find cheap ones online but you will need an experienced person to guide you if you go the used, conventional-bike route.

zero_electric

In online dating, my motorcycle pic gets all the comments and questions (my preferred pic grouping is one shirtless and lifting or running, one moto, one of two girls kissing my cheeks, one involving drinking, adventure, or travel). If you don’t know how to ride I strongly suggest you learn. One of my favorite, go-to comments to women early in the interaction is, “Usually I don’t let women ride my bike till after I’ve slept with them.” Often I let that “rule” slide and ride with them anyway. Because of the geometry of bikes and the thrill of doing it, the ride often acts as foreplay (think about the anatomy). Women who’ve ridden before know it too.

In the other thread a person using the name “LuvBeer” said, “My first date basically consists of a motorcycle ride, makeout session, then back to my place.” A golden comment. I’ve done dates like his. If you take her out for 10 – 15 mins of riding, you should find a good place to pull over, pull off her helmet, and kiss her passionately for a couple minutes. It’ll feel natural and exhilarating to her.

Riding a motorcycle will obviously not fix broken fundamentals of personality, weight, social presence, etc. You cannot buy your way out of who you are. But riding a motorcycle is super fun, makes a super fun date or part of a date, makes you look badass in the eyes of women (who almost never know any better) and is a fun, low-carbon way of getting around. I get opened all the time when I dodge into stores with my helmet.

In many cities a motorcycle will have to complement a car rather than substitute for it, but if you live in a dense urban area with good public transport and good Uber and Lyft, you may be able to ditch the car full-time. If you must have a car and bike you will raise your costs, which sucks, but I think it’s worthwhile for guys who can hack it.

Public transit is underrated for guys because it offers a way to chat up women you happen to run into during your day-to-day life. In a car you won’t be able to open the cutie straphanger.

How to use Seeking Arrangements for fun and profit

In a thread on “Want to experience the nonstop attention, validation, and abundance that today’s young women have?”, someone suggested that Seeking Arrangements is a good way to do it. I concur, mostly.

Seeking Arrangements is oddly similar to normal online dating, and it’s an amalgam of normal-ish girls and outright pros. The latter will be more business-focused upfront and want to talk about money, rates, etc. I usually let these go and focus more on the non-pro girls (who are also usually younger).

You need to list income, net worth, etc. I exaggerate mine somewhat (you need to, for the same reason women lie about their age, plus I am not showing these women my tax returns), and I use variations of the online dating pics I already have. These are effective. The fatter, older, and uglier you are, the more SA is like standard hooking. The younger, fitter, and more attractive you are, the closer it can be to online dating. Again, the key word is “can,” because you still need game.

You also NEED:

  • Ultra-strong frame
  • High level of assertiveness.

If you lack either you will be owned.

When I meet girls from there I suggest that we get a drink and see if we like each other. For girls under 21 I know bars where we can meet w/o them getting carded. If they balk and demand money talk first I move on cause they’re likely a conventional pro. I know where to find those and how to negotiate with them—if I want one of those I will find them.

If we get a drink and I like the girl and she’s described I do standard game, bar one, then bar two (which has a dance floorish area where I can do some dancing and what not), then back to my place (if I can get them there). Like I said, this is mostly standard game, lots of talk about their experiences / dreams / desires / etc. Sometimes towards the end I will slide $20 in their underwear if they are money-driven and whisper shit like, “There is more where that came from.” Usually I put $100 in an envelope before I leave; if they come back and we have sex I give it to them and set a next meeting time, ideally by putting it in their phones.

Usually if we have sex once we’ll have it more than once, and if the girl is compliant and not bitchy the sex is almost always decent. I have a kind of specialty in going down on girls, which I both enjoy and have practiced to apparently unusual heights. I also am good at balancing talking to girls about what feels good and just fucking them senseless. You cannot treat a girl like a programming problem where you stop every 10 seconds to ask her something, but different girls like different things. Some girls have very delicate nipples and lightly touching them is great. Some like it much rougher. Etc. I also like taking girls to sex shops, buying butt plugs and ropes and shit like that, and then using it on them. Girls who have never been fucked with buttplugs in them LOVE it. If you are extremely good at sex it will be easier to retain girls and not worry about paying them less.

Once that dam is broken SA girls will usually let me do whatever else I want, mostly going bare, videotaping them, and taking them to sex parties; I know that the first is fucking dangerous and I just don’t care because I love it. But it is not something I would do w/ standard-issue escorts because it is too dangerous, and it is not something they would let me do (or not except for a lot of money, and even then I wouldn’t).

Some guys may want to work on getting girls without paying for them from SA, etc., but to be honest I think that’s a waste of time; the better girls are on there for a reason and I think it is better to keep them coming back for money and action. The ones who I’ve kept on the hook all say the same thing, that they love the sex and the money and the two together are the best.

The variability of SA is incredibly high. Many of the girls are lying about their weight / age, as always happens online. But some are deceptively less attractive in their online pics, and they are more attractive IRL. Seems bizarre but there it is. You will find total trailer trash girls (who I mostly avoid) too. They are usually easy to pick out via their pictures.

Pros (or women trending in that direction) will negotiate rates, sometimes absurd rates; I will go to $250 on the date if I’m really in the mood and she’s really beautiful but that is uncommon.

The downside of SA is that it can combine the flakiness of online dating with the cost of conventional hookers. The upside, however, is that there are often young uncertain girls who can be played like conventional dates, which I’m pretty good at, and they can be gotten fairly cheaply.

The girl I am seeing now is wildly gorgeous and I’m just doing $500/mo direct deposit. I usually see her every other day to four times a week. It’s been fantastic so far and I’ve dropped off SA. I’ll also buy her lingerie and other sex-related stuff but don’t do the whole designer bullshit thing. I have run into the girls who are really pumping for expensive bullshit and I just let them go, usually by ghosting. Let them be someone else’s problem. At the end of the day it’s all about cost-benefit.

I think guys who actually have money and are actually in good shape are highly in-demand on SA. I’ve had girls complain that most of the guys they meet are poor losers; in other words, they are getting flaked on more than the guys (haha, reversal of order).

With my latest, the one on the plan, I don’t know what she’s doing on her time off and I’m sure many of you will assume the usual. That may be true. If so she is very good at scheduling and logitics.

I also love the swingers scene and swingers parties, but it is very hard to find good ones. Most of you hate that shit but the way I look at it is simple: there are really only two sets of girls, girls you’d think about LTRs w/ children and ones you wouldn’t. I have kids already, two older ones and one infant from an older woman (a post for another time) and I really just want to do dirty dirty shit in the bedroom, get laid a lot, video tape the sex, etc. When I’m not working I’m working out or cooking or reading or chasing tail. I just don’t care that much about a given woman’s monogamy and if she flakes, whatever, I get another one, sometimes hotter.

If you are an older guy and you have cash and you are not doing some ego thing about getting laid (Nick Krauser is an ego-driven guy; I just want to nut in hot girls. Simple man, simple pleasures), spending small amounts of it to get with hot 18 – 24 yr old girls is a pretty good use of money. I know lots of guys who spend $10K+ per year on cars and vacations and boats and big houses and dumb shit like that. Waste of money IMO. The marginal return on investment is NOT THERE.

I know a lot of guys who got divorce raped and would LOVE to have hundreds of thousands of dollars in the form of lifetime earnings or even the million+ dollars lost to their ex-spouses. Who’s smarter, the guy who doesn’t get married and sometimes pays to play, or the guy who does and loses so much $$$$ to someone who he doesn’t even like anymore (and who probably doesn’t like him)? I know lots of guys who take their bitchy materialistic wives on costly vacations and they don’t seem to get shit out of it except hassle.

Anyway I am not going to convince any of you who hate paying for it. I do think that if you contextualize paying for sex, it can end up less expensive AND better. I see guys who slaved away through med school and residency who’re overweight and ugly dating and marrying land whales in their mid-30s. No thanks. What was the point of all that effort again? Same w/ engineers, CS guys, finance guys, oil guys (oh my God). They are pussy-poor and cash rich. Er… we live in a market economy. Use the one to get the other. The number of hot girls w/ no money and poor decision-making skills is outstanding.

I also think it is not worth paying for it in most cases if you’re a young guy and doing okay in terms of game, body, and life. Paying for it is for 35+, maybe 40+. If you’re in your 20s you need to be developing the skills to NOT pay for it, and investing any extra money you can in the stock market. At my age it is possible to get young hot girls but it is hard (I have done it, free and clear, but I cannot do it online and I have way more misses than hits, even though my friends imagine me being some kind of baller player dude).

Plus, I look at most guys my age and they Can. Not. get a hot 18 – 25 yr old girl. Period. I know it’s possible, like I said I’ve done it before, but it is HARD. Until recently my bread and butter have been ~32 – 40 yr old women from online. I should write a guide about that. The ones who are in good shape are IMO still pretty good, and let’s be honest: ten seconds before I come I don’t give a shit as long as she’s good enough.

Again, what I am saying about SA is NOT ALWAYS TRUE and it will take you some dates to get used to it. The girls on it range from stone pros to genuinely confused teenagers. Often you will not know who you date until you get out with them. Going rate for good escort sex in my area is $200 – $300/hr (I don’t know why guys would spend more than an hour but go figure). Higher in LA/NYC/SF. It seems possible to get good escorts for as little as $150/hr but that is much dicier and IMO not worth the drama or problems.

As you can tell I kinda like SA because it allows me to leverage above-average money with above-average (not stellar) game.

tl;dr: You can do well on SA but it takes skill as well as money and has some peculiarities. Your game still matters.

The evolution of monogamy in response to partner scarcity: don’t marry

If you bother reading TRP you should also be reading evolutionary biology. Nature has an article, “The evolution of monogamy in response to partner scarcity,” that postulates “fitness payoffs to monogamy and the maintenance of a single partner can be greater when partners are rare. Thus, partner availability is increasingly recognized as a key variable structuring mating behavior.”

Previous papers have speculated that child investment caused humans to become more monogamous. This paper has an alternate theory, however, with important implications for modern dating life. The authors say:

we show that when partners are abundant, multiple mating, and not pairbonded, males generally see the greatest fitness returns to their strategy. On the other hand, when males are abundant and partners are rare, males that pairbond generally do best.

In most of today’s world, however, partners are abundant, not scarce. People’s behavior changes in response to scarcity. So we should see more multiple-partner sex, which is indeed what we are seeing. We should see less male investment in any individual woman, which we may or may not be seeing. The authors write:

Accordingly, in humans, we contend that the transition from males mating multiply to providing paternal care possibly passed through an intermediate step of male mate guarding in response to partner rarity. This interpretation is consistent with recent phylogenetic analyses of primate social organization, indicating that bonded relationships (i.e., pair-living) derived from an earlier state of multi-male/multi-female groups61,62. Pairbond formation through mate guarding provides a mechanism to ensure paternity certainty and a possible avenue to open up paternal care to selection. Once pairbond duration lengthens, the reproductive interests of males and females may become aligned.

We do see why marriage today is not a good idea. Potential partners are everywhere and the growth of online dating has only made this more true. At the same time, while the authors don’t discuss this, it is likely that ancestral humans had powerful means of dissuading defectors from monogamy via violence—and both men and women could be punished that way.

In contrast, you cannot viably punish mating defection via violence in the modern U.S.; if you do you will likely go to jail, or worse. I’m not arguing that this is fair, I am arguing that it is true. Today there are no sanctions that enforce monogamy for women.

Now look at contemporary marriage from a woman’s point of view: if she cheats and gets caught, she can still walk away with half the property that’s jointly owned; the kids themselves; and she’ll likely get a large share of the man’s income for the next two decades in the form of “child” support. In other words, modern marriage rules reward her for cheating and reward her for divorcing. That is worth keeping in mind for anyone who thinks marriage is a reasonable outcome.

In today’s world males likely see higher returns by seeking multiple women rather than one, and women will often interpret heavy investment as a sign of weakness rather than strength.

As a man you are only as good as your options. If you make sure you are living in a world of abundance (as happens in cities and liberal arts colleges) you will have a very different experience than if you are living in a world of scarcity (as happens in rural areas and technical colleges). Optimal mating strategies change based on your environment. We have collectively created an environment that encourages promiscuity and discourages male investment in women.

I really enjoy this promiscuous as I am not interested in monogamy, but those of you who still believe that monogamy is a viable route in the contemporary U.S., Canada, and Europe should know what you are up against.

Don’t get married. If you do, you have only yourself to blame when the system screws you horribly.

The archive

This is the post excerpt.

A year ago I started writing on Reddit about what it means for men to live, date, and die in contemporary society. At the time I just threw off some random fluff posts, but as I kept writing between parts of my job, I began to realize that I was creating a body of work that should live somewhere beyond the Reddit ghetto. This is that place. Maybe some of you will stumble on here through search and see what you have always been missing.