Really, really, don’t get married–take it from a woman

I spoke of Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, last year, but I was looking at it again after recommending it to a friend. Somehow I missed this the first time through:

Danica is hardly the first woman who shuts down at home and wakes up outside. Hers is archetypal tale of the muting of eros. I see women like her all the time—usually dragged into therapy by their frustrated husbands who are tired of being rejected, night after night. The typical complaint is: she is totally absorbed with the kids and has zero interest in sex. But it’s these very same women, I’ve found, who “come alive” in a completely unexpected romance.

Many men struggle to understand how the woman who can’t be bothered in the marital bed is suddenly having a torrid affair in which she just can’t get enough. For years, they’ve been thinking she’s just not interested in sex, period; now, with new evidence in hand, they reconsider—”she must not be interested in sex with me.”

For men, the reasons women behave this way is less important than the takeaway: don’t marry. Don’t cohabitate. Have an exit plan if you do anyway.

Seriously. Why would you want to be married to a Danica? I know you don’t believe your precious snowflake will turn into a sexless harpy (around you), while wantonly screwing other dudes, but reality doesn’t care about what you believe.

To a player, this book’s major lesson is, “Hitting on married women is a fine idea.” Hit her up at the right time and see what happens.

You can be the guy she cheats ON or WITH.

Choose.

“When a DNA Test Shatters Your Identity”

When a DNA Test Shatters Your Identity” is total Red Pill, in a mainstream package. Remember when I wrote, “DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it?” Same idea, different package.

Be the guy she cheats with, not the guy she cheats on.

There is one suspicious pregnancy that I’ve knowingly been a part of. It was at a business conference, years ago now, with a woman who already had one kid and was, I think, bored with her husband. She wasn’t very attractive, a low 6 probably (sorry, for those of you who who might be imagining the porn fantasy), and I think I only managed to get with her because there were two or three low 7s who could be played off her. I don’t think any of the 7s got fucked, unless they were extra conniving about it. But mine did, albeit with some sneaking around. When we eventually got to it, she badly wanted me to use a condom and I, um, didn’t want to. I eventually won and we spent the better part of two days screwing. And she spent time telling me how much she loved her husband but that she’s bored with him and that they barely have sex anymore.

We didn’t talk too much after that, as I respect the Secret Society and didn’t want the rest of her life to know about her transgression. I eventually learned, through Facebook, that she had a second kid. I looked at the timing and couldn’t help noticing the timing was pretty much perfect.

Now. She might already have been pregnant. She might have screwed six different guys in the week before the conference. Her husband might’ve done the deed the night she got home. But it’s also possible that the kid is going to do a 23andme one day and learn something shocking.

When you realize what a lot of women are capable of, your whole life and outlook changes. The man-o-sphere and Red Pill are full of guys worrying about what happens if or when their chick cheats. It’s impossible to protect yourself fully, but a guy can demand the DNA test for any kids fingered as his, and he can also realize that for every chick who cheats, there’s a guy she’s cheating with.

Our whole society is also now built around admiring and supporting women who cheat. It’s possible for a guy to stand against that cultural edifice, but it’s really hard and kind of pointless. The rewards are in being the guy she cheats with.

Downside is that I think most cheaters are older, less attractive, and have already been in a relationship for a pretty long time. So long that they’re bored and likely under appreciated. So if the right new hotness comes along, it might be time for her.

I also think chicks like the contrast. If she’s chosen a good worker guy who makes good money but is a little boring, she might be ready for exciting musician guy with the tats and shit. But if she’s chosen a free-spirited artist and is sick of not making rent or paying for the guy while he works on his music, Mr. Shit-Together $$$$ may appeal to her. I’ve seen it go both ways, more or less.

DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it

DNA confirms: women like to screw around, lie about it:

The site uses your DNA to match you with other relatives in the 23andMe database. How often do you hear about people who discover they’re actually adopted or have a secret sibling?

Every day. Every day. The nonpaternity average in this country is much higher than people think it is. There’s a good chance there’s an “Uncle Joe” in your family who’s actually just “Joe.” So everyone has a story like that; they just don’t necessarily know it. In the early days, we wondered: How are we going to handle this? And in some ways, I think we’ve helped normalize it.

Think about that, “the nonpaternity average in this country is much higher than people think it is,” next time you’re uncertain about approaching, or the next time you think, “She could be the one, I should get married.”

When I have some time I will write about the women who may have had my kid. I met her at a work conference but didn’t directly work with her; she was married and had had one kid already; sorry to say that she wasn’t that hot; she wanted me to use a condom; the timing with her kid #2 works out suspiciously. I don’t know for sure. Wouldn’t be surprised, though.

If we had a country and medical system that gave a shit about men, DNA tests would be mandatory at birth. But we don’t.

“Evolutionary theory says men stray to increase offspring, but what motivates women? Enter the mate-switching hypothesis”

Why women stray: Evolutionary theory says men stray to increase offspring, but what motivates women? Enter the mate-switching hypothesis.” An excellent essay by David Buss and offered without much commentary. For men the important thing to know is that most women will stray if given the chance and the right opportunity. Be the guy she cheats with, not the one she cheats on.

I have a post aout David P. Barash’s book Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy coming down the pike. I highly recommend it. Understanding the theory helps the practice. Most guys have neither.

Your girl’s male “friends?” Usually they’re alternate options.

“I Love My Girlfriend. So Why Do I Keep Cheating on Her?”

I have some more work to do before the weekend, but I saw “I Love My Girlfriend. So Why Do I Keep Cheating on Her?” and had to laugh. Guys want to bang as many girls as possible because evolution has tuned them to spread their seed. Most guys, given the choice, will sleep with as many women as possible.

Most guys, of course, don’t have the choice, and struggle to find even a single woman.

The article is funny because the woman writing the response, Lori Gottlieb, knows zero about evolutionary biology and thus cannot answer the question adequately.

If this guy has good enough game to cheat, it’s also not a surprise that his girlfriend as well as other women like him. Women like guys other women like, so when an attractive woman is with a guy, she increases his ability to get more women.

Funny how that works. And most women don’t seem to realize it.

“What We Can Learn from Women Who Cheat”

What We Can Learn from Women Who Cheat” is extremely Red Pill, although it’s written by and about women. I don’t have a lot to add because the article does the work, but the tl;dnr is “Don’t get married.” Which you ought to already know.

Personally I don’t think monogamy is realistic or desirable, but that seems to be a debated point among many men. Once you realize women don’t want monogamy, you should be more motivated to up your game.

In my life, I noticed the couples around me with children were particularly preoccupied with the concept [of cheating], because their relationship was supposed to “work” for decades, but the notion of sleeping with the same person “until death do us part” was losing its appeal.

If you marry someone and you think you want monogamy, you may be setting yourself up for failure, according to women themselves. Sorry. Also, only the paranoid survive:

This was also confirmed by the sexologists and couples therapists with whom I spoke. Women cheat less impulsively; rather, they plan prudently and are more skilful in their cover up.

More:

Nowadays, women have higher standards of sexual fulfilment and romantic relationships, which they’re able to express. Once they realize they aren’t getting what they need from one relationship, they’re more likely to look for it elsewhere.

In other words, expect more bullshit from long-term relationships.

I think women are masters in lying to themselves about themselves as well as their sexual desires.

I’d call that “obvious.” Look at what she does, not what she says. Which is equally applicable to men. If he says he wants hotter women but finds video games more compelling than dead lifting, he is full of shit.

In the book, you talk about how one third to half the women surveyed are aroused by rape fantasies. That’s a pretty shocking revelation.

If rough sex is not part of your repertoire, it needs to be. Make sure you feel out the situation, though. Build up to it. I don’t recommend it being extremely rough on most first encounters. What women say they want and what they want is different.

Overall, remember that some men are cheated on and some men are cheated with. Which are you? Which will you be?