Is it you talking, or your ego talking? Drop dead leads fast

A week ago I sent a catch-up email to this young chick who I knew from a while ago… I was replying to an email of hers from a couple years back. We’d flirted a little then, but I didn’t think she was interested, and that was fine (we had a bit of social connection), and her email from back then was charming. I read it by accident while I was looking for something else, and it made me think of her and send the catch-up message. The reply I got her this week was not charming.

She said, How dare you email me? Then some other nasty stuff. I was thinking, WTF? I was confused, too. Where was this coming from? I’m not sure, but it also doesn’t f**king matter, since it’s the kind of deliberate message that says, “Don’t bother.” In general, it’s not a bad idea to occasionally ping old leads, check in to see if some chick’s situation has changed, etc. It’s better to cultivate new leads, but it’s not always a bad idea to see who might be on deck… I’m not actively pursuing new leads right now but am happy to add potentials to the back of the list, in case I need it) .

I saw a Twitter thread a couple weeks ago (can’t remember who wrote it, sorry) with a very deliberate, straightforward message from a chick saying something like, “I don’t like you and I don’t want to talk to you again.” That is not a game-playing message, it’s not a coy message… it’s a “F**k off” message. When you get one of those (I’ve gotten my share), it’s over. Block her and move on. However alive you thought that lead might have been, it’s dead and gone now. These kinds of very deliberate, very cold messages are “game over.” Direct your attention more productively. Don’t send the message that says all the things you don’t like about her. It’s too late for that. There’s no sure-fire way to distinguish every one of these messages, but they are usually sent via text (in today’s world), and they are very cold and deliberate and not flirty at all. The chick will probably capitalize words correctly and use periods, even if she doesn’t do that normally.

It’s super tempting to have some equally mean or nasty reply, or to say something mean or nasty… but it’s not worthwhile. All day, annoyingly, as I kept doing other things, like work, or reading Nicolas Cage on Acting, Philosophy and Searching for the Holy Grail: “I wanted to have the mystery of the old stars, always preserved in an enigmatic aura”, I kept thinking about good retorts to this chick’s stupid, mean email. I had the best replies in my head! I’d show her! I’d make HER feel bad. I’d show her that I’m cooler than she is!

Doesn’t f**king matter, though. What good can possibly happen with that message? None, none at all. It will AT BEST waste more of my time and mental energy, to what end? To make me feel better? For a moment? At worst, it ignites a pointless feud, makes her denounce me online, etc.

I know, in my thinking head, that there is zero to gain by replying. Yet I want to. I want to badly. That’s the ego talking. Mentally I know it’s better to concentrate on my goals, even though I also want to say YOU SUCK back.

Instead of sending her a message, I waited, and then I wrote out my thoughts about why it is a stupid idea to send her the message, and you are now reading it.

Players are familiar with the need to persist through common obstacles, like “I have a boyfriend.” Typical answers are “That’s okay” or “I don’t care.” Or chicks who are flakey around scheduling, sometimes to the point where logistical fatigue prevents a meetup. Persistence through shit tests. There is a time for persistence and a time for disconnection, and when she gets cold and direct, that’s typically time for disconnection. Particularly when it also includes something she doesn’t like about you, something serious and not teasing. “I think you have a silly nose:” teasing. “I don’t like you and don’t want to speak with you again.” Probably not teasing (depends a little on context).

Part of growing up is learning not to do the stupid thing that feels good. The day I got the email I was thinking about all these clever replies… and the day after, it was mostly washed from my head. Not totally, or I’d not be writing here, but mostly. Waiting 24 – 48 hours before replying to emotionally charged messages is often smart.

There is a LOT of material online about how to open chicks, how to do the initial texting, etc. There is almost none about ending it with chicks, or chicks directly ending it with you. I think that’s because online is the world of beginners… we should have more about endings.