Tell your girl to use a vibrator during sex, and other bedroom tips

I was chatting on Twitter and RedCoco said

I remember reading in one of your blogs teaching a Seeking girl how to use a vibrator at the same time as fucking her from behind [I believe the story is in the book—RQ]. I purchased one some time ago = game changer. Thanks. I’ve passed the idea on to a player friend of mine to test as he is good at seduction but his sex skills seem lacking.

Chicks of course don’t think to ask to use a vibrator during sex, or they’re worried that they’ll be perceived as “weird,” or whatever other chick-psych problems exist. As usual, expecting chicks to take the lead is ridiculous, so you as a man should be able to take the lead. In the defense of chicks, some guys also have fragile egos and limited knowledge of anatomy, the combination of which can lead to sub-par sex. My goal is limited ego involvement leading to awesome sex. “Limit your ego in pursuit of the goal” is a worthwhile endeavor in all aspects of life.

A lot of players share seduction techniques but fewer talk about sex. That is probably because sex techniques are already well-known. The book The Sex God Method is one place. She Comes First is another. I think a lot of players don’t talk much about sex techniques because that information is readily out there… many books have been written about the mechanics and build-up to sex, so it’s less necessary. But I will write most about mental state, which is trying to be relaxed and experimental. I’m doing things with her and sometimes to her, eliciting her responses, and adjusting those responses. Chicks can vary quite a bit in what they like.

Some chicks can achieve orgasm from internal stimulation alone (one of my favorite lovers, who I’ve not written about, was/is like this), typically of the g-spot, but most need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasms. That means a guy’s tongue or fingers or a toy needs to be on her clit. If she doesn’t have that, she likely won’t come and the experience won’t be as good for her. Some chicks also won’t relax sufficiently to come the first time she f**ks a new partner, so if a chick doesn’t come the first two or three times, but she’s having a good time overall, don’t sweat it. I try to conceptualize sex as being about making the space, time, and physical sensations necessary for her to come, but without putting pressure on her to do so, since psychologically pressure on a chick usually kills her erotic experience.

It’s often a good idea to go down on the chick for a while first. This will help her open up, get wet, etc. Some chicks will come from this. If you’re already f**king her, holding her down, maybe lightly choking her, etc., you probably don’t have the coordination or angle to effectively stimulate her clit at the same time (I don’t, usually).

One of my favorite positions has the chick on the bed, lying down, with me standing up, thrusting inside her. That way I get a good look at her body, while she feels me thrusting “upward” against her g-spot. At the same time, I grab the chick’s right hand and direct it to her clit. That way, she can rub while I am f**king her. Often I experiment a little by putting her legs over my shoulders, which tightens her further and lets me access deeper parts of her pussy. I’ll also stand her up and bend her over the bend (or couch or chair or whatever) and, with my hand, guide one of her hands to her clit while telling her to stablize herself with her other hand. This is a position in which she’s unlikely to fall over.

If I start with her on her back, I also have good control over angle of entry. I’m not always a fan of starting with doggystyle because some chicks are too tight before they’ve had fingers and/or my cock inside for me to start with doggystyle. Ms. Slav is like that.

In terms of introducing toys, I just buy some vibrators and have them sitting around, ready to be busted out at the appropriate time. Same thing with butt plugs. If you introduce your chick to a butt plug, she will likely think you are a sex god. Chicks vary, of course, and not all will like butt plugs or for that matter anal. I myself am not an anal guy.

A lot of guys have ego invested in this stuff… “UHHhhhhhnnnn… if I’m a REAL MAN she will COME ALL OVER my PENIS because I AM A GOD, raAWRR.” This is (mostly) fronting. Chicks’s clitorises are mostly internal and have different arrangements. So some chicks will come hard from having something up their bums. Others will come from their g-spots. Some will come from the external part of the clitoris alone. Many will experience some combination.

One technique is to do something lightly and then ask her how that makes her feel. For example, smack her ass fairly lightly while she’s nude or only wearing underwear. If she moans, arches her back, or otherwise seems turned on, just keep going. If you’re not sure, take a fistful of her hair and then whisper, “How does that make you feel?” If she genuinely doesn’t like it, she should tell you. Most chicks like being spanked but contrary to what you read online not all of them do. It’s also possible and useful to get feedback without having to constantly stop to check in with her. A couple check-ins here and there are fine. You’re a man and should study her carefully to read her cues. Most chicks will convey whether something turns them on or not, and most chicks don’t want a guy who is asking them every two minutes if this feels good or that feels good. Most normal chicks want a guy who just “gets it,” contrary to what you read in feminist propaganda.

It’s a good idea to start slowly, and like, I said, most chicks like to be led. Most chicks also aren’t 100% sure what turns them on. Most guys don’t do enough foreplay. When I was younger/stupider I somewhat thought the purpose of sex was to get inside her as soon as possible in case she changes her mind, or something stupid like that… now I realize the purpose is to connect, to have a great time, to let her warm up and be totally turned on. Most chicks take longer to turn on than guys. Realistically, most guys are content to stick it to whichever girl is open once he’s hard. I used to think that my main job was to move the ball over the goal line, and that once it was “over the line” I was pretty good to go. Experience taught me that is a stupid way to frame the experience. Nash wrote, “I think most men need some experience before they can relax enough to be sensual (to even know what that is), and to bring women into a sensual vibe.” A wise comment. Being aroused but relaxed at the same time is a skill.

It’s important to try and relax and go with the flow as much as possible… this is often hard for me, especially the first time I’m fucking a chick. I want to be in that aroused yet relaxed state. Not always easy to be in this headspace. Slowing down the experience can help enter it. I try not to put performance pressure on myself and to think that we’re entering this experience together. Again, I’m not always the best at this, but I consciously think about it and cultivate it. I have written that the best parts of relationships are often two weeks in until about two years. That’s the new relationship energy (NRE) period where the sexual performance is hottest and expectations are typically pretty low.

A lot of chicks are not comfortable with their sexuality because we live in a sex-negative society. Strangely, a lot of RP content, about guys “winning” sex and women “losing it” or having to “give it up” reinforces these notions… and likely makes it harder for the guy to get laid. Sex-negative chicks who are trying to denigrate rivals and monopolize high-status men, that makes sense. Sex-negative guys who are trying to sleep around… makes less sense.

There is no final, right algorithm for every girl… every girl is different, and if you become too algorithmic or repetitive when f**king her she will get bored. Changing up positions, places, toys, etc. every so often will help. I’ve had variety built into a lot of my sex life through non-monogamy and sex clubs, so interspersing variety along with familiarity has not been a great challenge for me. This is also a book-length topic, so a couple thousand words in a post wil not cover everything. The big thing that gets amazing responses in my life is just using sex toys with a chick. Doggystyle while she applies a toy to her clit is amazing. Seemingly very few chicks have experienced this, and I don’t think any chick I have done this with has not loved it. They get the best parts of doggystyle with the best parts of having her clit stimulated. I don’t know why this practice is not more widespread, outside of ego.

The university mess up and the dorm bicycle

As a university freshman I had a “friend,” we’ll call her Kate, who had a boyfriend at another school out-of-state. She talked about him quite a bit while sober… then would get drunk and become the dorm/school bicycle. If I remember correctly, my roommate had a ride pretty early on.

One night she knocked on my door late at night and came in crying because she’d f**ked some guy who apparently only lasted a minute, then she saw him kissing another girl later that night. She ran up to him, slapped him, and ran away. You may be thinking, “This is just another crazy chick,” but apart from that and some of her sex habits, she seemed pretty normal. She got into bed with me and eventually finished up crying. She was wearing sweatpants and a tank top or something like that.

As the conversation petered out, I was trying to decide if I should try to f**k her or not… and I decided not to. Or I was too scared to. I think I didn’t go for her more because of the residual boyfriend guilt than anything else. So there was this super-available, pretty girl… and I didn’t hit it.

But Kate’s madness was an early reference experience that clued me into the idea that what I saw on society’s surface, was (is) different than what’s actually going on. Knowing what I know today, of course the obvious thing is to bend her over, rail her (protected!), and then send her on her way, or just kick her out and tell her to find another orbiter to cry on, but I was not so advanced then. Thinking of myself, then vs. now, is also why I’m willing to entertain and respond to more newbie questions than some guys will… myself at that age did not have the comprehension that I do now. I also didn’t understand that lots of chicks will cheat and for that reason it’s fine to take shots at married chicks or women with boyfriends. If she is going to cheat, I want to let her cheat with me!

At the end of her first year, Kate transferred to her boyfriend’s college… and then broke up with him! This is one of the many reference experiences that can be distilled into the macro point that chicks are random. (See also.) In my younger life I spent a lot of time and mental energy trying to logic out chicks’s behaviors, and it took an embarrassingly long time to reach the “chicks are random” conclusion that most players eventually find. Trying to be overly analytical about an individual chick is foolish. Across many chicks, you can discern patterns, but a single chick is likely to be a random collection of impulses that she doesn’t understand, let alone you. Often if you try to probe for the logic behind a chick’s actions, you’ll get total nonsense, and if you probe too hard, the chick will just get angry. “Why don’t guys just get it?” she thinks. She knows that what she feels in the moment is reality, so guys should understand that too.

Right after college, Kate moved back to my city and I made the mistake of inviting her to a fairly formal party. We went and I tried to bang her after. She still looked good, although less good than she had at age 18/19, but she wouldn’t let me bang her. I was disappointed and still had some residual of the mindset that since we’d had a fancy “date,” we should f**k at the end. Obviously, experienced players know that’s a stupid mindset. She had yet another boyfriend who was supposed to move to our city in a couple months.

After that night, I stopped contacting her, although she kept contacting me for a couple weeks after. I had learned enough to give up on chicks I wanted to bang, but who weren’t going to bang me. I think she saw me as soft and safe (she was somewhat correct about that at the time) and I didn’t want to be in that frame.

So Kate. At some point we were Facebook friends, and we may have done some chatting on Facebook like 10 years ago, but I just tried to look her up to see what she’s like today and discovered she must have unfriended me. That is okay with me, because I can’t imagine having anything to say to her today, but I remember her because of how f**king puzzled I was as a freshman just learning how chicks really work.

Fashion and clothes for players

Johnny Caustic asks, “Hey RQ, what *do* you wear to hit hot young chicks? I’m wondering whether bad boy wear or formal wear is more effective for the older player.” Fashion is a massive topic and not an area of expertise for me; there is a guy named Tanner Guzy who might be okay on this… I, for the most part, can’t be arsed to do fashion really well. But I do know that the majority of guys need to worry first about gym, then about fit, then about shoes, then everything else. If you do gym + fit + shoes correctly, a lot of the other stuff is a bonus.

My typical top-level goal is to look put-together and adult but also cool. Wearing a suit is very adult but probably not cool to most chicks in their 20s. Suits are usually too try-hard outside of weddings or courtrooms. Wearing a t-shirt for an underground band or for a sport of some kind may be cool but is not very adult. I would also give the caveat that I’m not highly into style or clothes. If I could get away with it I’d happily wear jeans and sweatshirts 24/7, or shorts and t-shirts in the summer. I don’t want to try and imitate college students, as I think I’d just look stupid, but I also don’t want to look like every fat IT worker you’ve ever seen.

I like dark jeans or gray slacks w/ t-shirt (usually black, although red can work nicely for contrast) and dark gray or black blazer. Black shoes, preferably leather, and/or boots. Put your energy into fit. “Well-fitting” is the most important part of fashion. Then shoes, then everything else. If you’re a high school or college student, this look may be too “adult” for you. I try to avoid dress shirts. Depending on my work schedule, that isn’t always possible. I have a personal aversion to suits and ties, leading to some at work calling me “the hipster.” Not totally inaccurate.

Leather jacket is good in very cold weather, and maybe a duffel coat to vary the look if necessary.

To get good fit, tailoring is useful, as most clothes are made for average fat guys. A $10 – $20 tailoring job on a $20 item of clothing to make it fit is better than a $100 item of clothing that doesn’t fit properly. Why do Hollywood guys look good in their black tees and henleys? 1) Those guys work out hard and 2) They (or their stylists) get their t-shirts tailored to fit their bodies. Most guys are either fat or wear t-shirts that have at least two inches and often more of excess material on each side of the shirt. Fix that with a tailor. Many tailors will be confused when you ask for clothes that fit, as most guys want clothes that are “comfortable” (too loose).

For a long time I was anti-accessory but now I think a necklace and rings are an improvement and give chicks something to ask about. I like black leather cuffs; chicks who ask about them are usually into BDSM as well. Amazon has loads of cheap and okay jewelry. A search for “Masculine jewelry” will do you fine. I like black rings and they are like $8 on Amazon. Etsy is also fine for this. The “story” around the item matters more than the item. Lots of these are cool, albeit a little pricey. Chicks don’t know the difference between $10, $100, or $1,000 accessories, so why bother getting $1,000 accessories?

For brands, in shoes I like Allen Edmonds, Alden, Common Projects, Hugo Boss, and Wolf & Shepherd. The specific shoe or boot is less important than it being a) comfortable/easy to walk in and b) being leather, preferably black in my case. IMO shoes are a place to spend more rather than less, as good ones will last many years and can be re-soled. Most of these are expensive, but Allen Edmonds does sales, factory seconds, etc. that will get the cost under $200. If you can visit New York or LA, you’ll be able to try a wide selection of many of these shoes.

For shirts there are too many good ones to care much. J. Crew and Banana Republic both make good black shirts. Ribbed Tee is good.

For jeans, there are also too many good dark jeans to care much. Gap, Lucky, whatever brand is fine. I don’t know why people spend $200 on jeans but I guess some guys do that. If you are trim or athletic, buy jeans larger than you think you need and have the waist taken in. For other pants, I like Outlier (prefer gray) or Bonobos. I also love to bike, which I’ve mentioned, and Outlier is made for biking and being wearable in offices/on dates.

Most luxury brands are NOT WORTH IT. They are 2 – 20x the price for like 10% better quality, if that. Fashion is, like a lot of game basics, a field where 10% greater efforts yields 80 or even 90% of the benefit. It is easy to get hooked into the bogus hedonic treadmill around clothes. Chicks will notice fit and coordination and little else.

Guys who try to optimize their way into the 95% or 96% percentiles in men’s fashion are wasting their time and avoiding approach. There is often a temptation to say to yourself, “If I can improve this one thing 10% more that will help me a lot.” It probably won’t. If you are already squatting your body weight or 1.25x your body weight for reps, getting to 1.5x your body weight will not help you much. You’ll already be where you need to be. There are diminishing returns to most activities.

For most guys, getting style to be “good enough” is more than okay. I also do fairly simple colors, mostly dark blue (jeans), black, gray, sometimes color splashes.

Big thing/challenge for me is to avoid looking like a corporate drone. Other guys will have different challenges. High school/college students may also have niche preferences I’m not aware of, so if you’re a younger guy still in school, I don’t know how useful this all will be.

By contrast, I can also think about the two black guys I’ve known who did well with white chicks. Both did the basic stuff right, like lifting, but they also dressed “up” at least one level compared to anyone else in a given situation. If everyone else wore jeans and t-shirts, they’d be in dress pants and a collared shirt. They wore suits much more often than I would recommend for the typical basic guy.

Why? Since neither was (or is) stupid, they understood that they needed to play against and overcome stereotype. That meant dressing better than the average guy, speaking better than the average guy, and being friendlier/warmer/more smiley than the average white guy. Their (probably subconscious) goal was to communicate to chicks, “I am friendly and am not going to hurt you. I have my life together.” Their goal was to avoid the immediate reaction (which, sorry black guys reading this, is often justified in everyday experience).

My goal is usually to NOT appear like a boring office drone. Given my life and personality, I need to increase my implied “edge” and not seem to boring. Both the guys I’m thinking of, needed to convey other ideas to functional, middle-class chicks and higher. Contrary to what you may see in porn or elsewhere in anxious men’s writing, most functional chicks are NOT attracted to low-class and ghetto behaviors / personas. The exceptions tend to make for spectacular stories, but they are exceptions.

It’s possible that lower-class/ghetto behaviors are effective with equivalent girls, but I don’t know a lot about the bottom-level world of true social and economic dysfunction. My sense is that most chicks in it are fat/ugly/single moms by their early 20s if not sooner. When I did conventional online dating I would run into occasional girls from that world, and even had sex with a few, but we never really got along correctly because the cultural/intelligence chasm between us was too wide. Plus, as I said, I think most chicks in that culture have terrible diet and exercise habits, so even if they start off as attractive teenagers, the decline is swift. Perhaps other guys can chime in with experiences.

There might also be a world of super rich people hooking up mostly with each other, or where the guys have so much money that the gap between “paying for it directly” and “implicitly paying indirectly” is very small. In this world, maybe it makes sense to wear $5,000 in fancy clothes that other ultra-rich people can recognize. But if this world exists, it’s very small and immaterial to me, as well as to virtually all guys who aren’t already in it.

I’m typically targeting urban, college-educated white chicks, with some Asian or Hispanic chicks thrown in as well. I’m pretty happy with European chicks as well. There may be a group of redneck chicks who like guys who hunt and work construction, or whatever it is that rural people do. For all I know, those chicks might find me weird and effeminate. Women tend to cluster in urban areas and men tend to cluster in rural areas, but there are obviously women in rural areas and if you’re into those women my strategies might not be optimal for you. A guy who shows up in Carharts on a date in the heart of a city and who is deeply into working on his truck, or whatever rural guys do, is probably not going to do well with urban chicks. There is an element of market targeting to this, and I have spent my entire life in a suburban/urban professional-class milieu.

Back to me and my world…. things not to wear:

1. Sandals.

2. Polo shirts (in most cases; sometimes nice, fitted ones made of mercerized cotton are okay in intense summer heat).

3. Short shorts. Overly long shorts. Most shorts should end just above the knee and don’t wear them unless it’s f**king hot out. Don’t wear shorts on dates.

4. Pleated kahki pants. Most khakis, actually.

5. Cargo pants (I like them for utilitarian purposes but zero women think they’re sexy).

6. Most sports shoes, unless you’re doing a sport.

7. Ill-fitting suits in particular. Most guys buy shitty suits that don’t fit them.

8. Most hats apart from unadorned baseball caps. Sometimes called “Directors caps.”

For most guys, getting the fashion part right enough is fine.

Things I’d still like to know:

1. How do you find collared shirts w/ sleeves you can roll up in the summer that don’t make you look too corporate/boring?

I’m sure someone will pipe up about how expensive clothes are. I’d say most of the basics (pants, shoes, blazer, leather jacket) will last many, many years. T-shirts will be replaced more frequently. If you buy everything recommended all at once the cost may be high; most of the better things I have were acquired over years. If you really can’t afford anything then you may want to worry about your income and job skills first, and rely on jeans/t-shirts and a leather jacket alone.

The big takeaway is, “It works for me.” If you just get fit right and don’t look stupid, you’re ahead of most guys.

Krauser on Blackdragon

The post is quite funny, so go read it. I would guess that it’s about 30 – 50% true, 20 – 30% untrue, and 20 – 40% indicative of the mind, psychology, and beliefs of the writer, rather than telling us much about the person being written about… you might apply the same tripartite structure to my own writing.

  • To my eye, Blackdragon looks fine in the pictures, though it’s hard to say how the pics would translate to real life. Anyone who has done some amount of photography knows pics can be deceiving.
  • Anyone I know who might be an “alpha male” never calls himself an “alpha male.” Or even thinks about it, really. If I ever call myself an “alpha male,” please quit reading.
  • I missed that BD said a 37-year-old woman is “what most men would consider a 9 or 10 unless you don’t like blonde white women.” Virtually no woman is a 9 past age 25 or 26. Most 8s have dropped to 7 by 30. That is fine and, for long-term relationships, there is more to be said for a chick than her absolute hotness level, but I don’t get the point of pretending. I just don’t see a lot of real-world 8s, period, and fewer 9s. Lots of 7s, especially among chicks in their 20s, but not a huge number of true 8s.
  • I also laughed at the Krauser post because some of the values expressed in the post seem to conflict with some of the values expressed elsewhere in his corpus.
  • But, I do think Blackdragon has a more realistic perspective on long-term relationships than most people do. I don’t think I’ve read Krauser views on this subject. They might be out there, somewhere.
  • I just don’t think you can make enough money in books, seminars, etc. to make attempting it worthwhile. I’m skeptical of the “make money online!” guys one sees now and then. None of them ever seems to post audited financial statements or tax returns… I wonder why.
  • It’s weird and incongruent to be interested in truthfulness and reality while at the same time admiring one of the greatest grifters in U.S. history.

A funny story… so BD somehow got married to a 31-year-old woman, who already had a half-black kid, when BD was 25. Years ago, around the time I transitioning out of seeing the girl I call Libido Girl and around the time I started seeing #2, I met this chick online, late 20s, who already had a kid but was wise enough not to emphasize it online. Although her profile talked about needing commitment, etc., she was a pretty straightforward lay.

During the first date itself, I only remember her banging out about commitment and me saying, somewhat truthfully, that no man in his right mind will consider commitment w/ a woman unless/until he knows about sexual compatibility. Not the best argument but good enough for the time for her to tumble into bed. Low 7, low effort, I slept her like once a week for a while and brought her to one sex club. I didn’t see pics of her kid until later on… she was smart about that. She said she needed commitment and I told her, pretty honestly, that I didn’t see her as a good long-term match. She was pretty bitter about that and said all guys are full of shit, etc.

I was like, “Look at it from a guy’s perspective. When a guy sees your kid, what does that communicate to him about you?” Among other things it communicates 1. Bad judgment. 2. Low conscientiousness. 3. Ignorance (failure to deploy standard-issue birth control). 4. Poor decision-making skills. I didn’t say that, but it’s pretty obvious. She told me I’m a racist… which is probably a little bit true too, although I’d say I’m a “realist.” Any sane guy who sees a woman who makes the choices she did, is going to respond appropriately.

Somewhere in our brief fling she tried to explain why the baby daddy was a bad guy and whatever her situation was and I said something non-judgmental like, “It doesn’t matter and you don’t need to explain to me.” Things she seemed to find heartening at the time… they were true, though, because how she came to her situation wasn’t important to me, as her situation communicated more than enough of her character for me to bin her correctly.

Women who want to do better with men, have to understand men and what men want… men who want to do better with women, have to undrestand women and what women want. Without doing that, you are unlikely to go as far as you should go.

Our culture is superficially permissive and accepting, but in reality, when confronted with individual self-interest, most people make the smart choice. That is why “Fat acceptance” will never happen in the places it matters. People who really buy into the bullshit will typically suffer when they hit the real world.

You only see the tip of the spear

In many lay reports and game stories, you only see the tip of the spear. You see the open, the initial interactions, some dates, and the lay. You (typically) don’t see the numerous hours, days, months, years spent developing the skills necessary to get to the open and the lay.

I say this because I read some guys lamenting how game doesn’t work for them, how they don’t understand why it works for other guys, etc. To take myself as an example, I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent in the gym, at the yoga studio, or playing sports. I haven’t spent very much time on shopping/fashion, but I have spent more time on those things than the median guy. I don’t know how much time I’ve spent working, but it’s a lot of time and seems to be more than average. I spend zero time on video games and very little on TV or social media. Many guys become invested in professional sports… why watch a bunch of millionaires you don’t know, who don’t care about you, doing something that doesn’t matter? The time other guys spend doing that, I am at the gym, dating, reading, cooking, going out with friends, etc.

These practices compound over time. A guy who has been doing compound lifts for a year has advantages over guys who have been doing them for a month. A guy who has a consistent work record had advantages over guys who don’t. A guy with a lot of experience with women has advantages with the next woman.

You don’t know how many books I’ve read about women, evolutionary psychology, and desire.

You don’t know how many times I’ve failed.

You don’t know how many times I’ve been frustrated, justifiably or not.

I’m writing all this because I read about a lot of guys who are starting from a super low level. Guys who don’t realize that they are sometimes competing with guys who have spent many years improving themselves and their value delivery mechanisms. If you’re a guy starting from a low place, you may need to spend a lot of time improving yourself, your life, and your value-delivery all at the same time. You cannot get where you want to go without great, effective effort.

(“Effective” effort… a lot of guys seem to put in a lot of ineffective effort, then wonder why things are not working out for them.)

In some ways, I have been working on building and maintaining value since I was a teenager. That’s true in social network terms, in sports/athletics terms, in work terms (I have had some kind of job more or less continuously since I was 16), and in skill terms. If you are an average flabby/overweight guy whose life consists of a boring job followed by fast food, video games, porn, and TV… you may need a complete life overhaul. I’m working with decades of continual effort, and an average guy is probably not going to see results with a week or two of effort. Since I’m not trying to sell a magic self-improvement program that will help you overhaul your life in just one month for a small initial fee of $99, I can say that.

There is no easy way; there is only the hard way. Some guys are reaping dividends from years, sometimes a lifetime, of work. Some guys come from relatively fortunate backgrounds. Some guys don’t. If you come from a shit background, you may have to spend hours, days, months, years attempting to correct.

As a guy, you can start doing things right today, and your efforts may not pay dividends for months or years. But what is the alternative? That you never get where you want to go?

You are competing for young hot chicks. If you don’t want to compete, hunt for older, not-hot chicks, and you will not have to compete as much. This is why sports are so useful for young people, and sometimes older people: they teach you how to compete.

Everyone has struggle. When you are looking at porn, remember that the chick is typically being paid to be there, and that porn caters to the male fantasy of having young hot chicks readily available for NSA sex. Just like romance novels, porn for chicks, caters to the female fantasy of having a top 1% man prove his intense masculinity, then commit to a basic chick (the heroine) for no good reason. Fantasy has its place, I don’t deny that, but if you indulge in too much, you don’t get the feedback you need from reality. The Internet is filled with people, guys and chicks, who have too little reality feedback, or who can’t accept the feedback reality gives them.

Guys who get unhappy that the chicks they want are rejecting them, need to improve their value and value-delivery mechanism (aka game). Chicks who get unhappy about the way guys don’t attend to her at age 35 like they did at age 25 have the same issues… except they can’t improve their value much… call me a feminist, but I feel compassionate towards chicks who mis-use their value. I’ve seen it put this way: imagine you’re handed a million-dollar check at age 18. What would you do with it? Some guys would sensibly invest in an index fund and reap the gains for their lives, most would probably blow it on stupid shit. Hot chicks are basically getting a million-dollar check at age 18.

I don’t know who first came up with that metaphor. It’s incredibly accurate. It is possible to get some normal chicks to behave like porn stars, for an individual guy, but it’s typically a process… a process that we call game… and game is a combination of value + value delivery.

Guys badly want social media to work. Here’s why it (mostly) doesn’t

Whenever I’m wasting time online, I see some guy asking about using social media to attract women, and sometimes I link him to “Men, game, and social media strategies,” which explains why it’s not likely to work, and then “Attention is the only tool modern men have,” which explains why social media is usually poison to strong game. I finally realized, after way too much time had elapsed, why these questions keep coming up: social media is easier (seeming) than other routes of getting laid. It can make guys feel like they’re making progress towards the getting-laid goal (“Look! I got 5 new followers today, bro!”) when in reality they’re not making real progress. Guys should be looking for the hard, authentic way.

Social media feels good because it’s easy, but it’s easy like soda or McDonald’s: all three are traps that ensnare the unwary. Guys imagine that if they just build an intense enough social network, they will get chicks coming to them, or that chicks will be so impressed with their Instagram stories or whatever that the chicks present for sex. I get it. I like the idea of some hot chick messaging me out of the blue for dates/sex. But in reality social media doesn’t or very rarely leads to lays.

Instead, it leads to frustration, because guys don’t realize that most chicks on social media are passively consuming, and the gap between passive consumption and activity in the real world is wide. A few guys who lead fantastically interesting and photogenic lives and can parlay their already interesting lives into an interesting Instagram feed that feeds on itself. DJs, surfers, some photographers, whatever. For the vast majority of normal guys, though, it’s not going to work. I have an account on most of the social media networks and use it only for one-to-one messaging, or sometimes one-to-many messaging. But I hardly post anything to the “story” or to the main feed. I am better off maintaining a sense of mystery.

Again, I am not saying it’s impossible to leverage social media into lays. For most guys, though, it’s not going to work and focusing on social media is a dodge designed to protect against the sting of real life rejection. If you are serious about getting laid, you are better off learning cold-approach pickup. And the worse people’s real-world social skills become, the more valuable cold-approach pickup becomes.

When you do the conventional social media thing, you waste way too much time. You post a bunch of stuff but it doesn’t add up to much. When a chick checks you out, you read like a basic guy, the kind of guy who is easy to “next.” When you post almost nothing, you can come off as intriguing, particularly if you have a strong in-person connection. In person I say things like, “Given how intense the real world is, isn’t it weird how many people waste their lives staring at their phones?” Things like that. Modern chicks, even the ones who waste their lives staring at their phones, will agree. Even social media addicts know social media is mostly garbage.

Do you need more garbage in your life?

Any minute you spend on social media would be better spent 1. In the gym, 2. Outside meeting chicks in the real world, 3. Making money, 4. Reading books, 5. Developing new skills. But you are tempted by social media because it’s easy.

On social media, you can be directly compared to hundreds, maybe thousands, of other guys, all at once. In the real world, you are usually being compared to zero, one, or at most two other guys. In the real world, you can almost immediately assess whether you’ve got a shot with a chick. If she doesn’t like you, she will walk a way, ask you to leave her alone, say she is not interested, etc.: precisely the things most guys are trying to avoid. Experienced players realize this is actually GOOD, because it gets rid of “no girls” right away.

This explanation is not going to stop guys from asking how to leverage social media, because everyone is looking for an easy way up the mountain. There is no easy way. When you get up the mountain, you realize the folly of seeking the easy way up.

Sonny Arvado and Pancake Mouse on the image match and reciprocity

This turned into a ramble post… enter at your own risk.

I read 29 Truths About Game because of Pancake Mouse’s link, and it is an interesting post very much in the vein of Good Looking Loser (it sounds like Chris from GLL and even reads like it at times). Sonny Arvado is very much of the “get jacked and go hit on chicks” school. I notice this: “the Karmic Laws of the Universe are pretty airtight” and “People tend to get their IMAGE MATCH. They date people on a similar level in the eyes of society.” This seems mostly true. It’s very uncommon to see incredibly disparate people together. When you do see it, it stands out. When I brought Ms. Slav to Thanksgiving, we stood out… she is too young for me in the eyes of most people, so we made no sense together. But she feels much more mature for her age than most chicks her age, and I… well, I am the “black sheep” in many ways. SA Girl and some other chicks from my life have been like this too. The older I get… the wider the age spread gets… the more I experience this disjunction.

BUT: I also stand out among my peer group. I am more serious about diet and lifting than pretty much anyone else I know. I watch less TV and do less social media than pretty much anyone else I know who is my age and younger. I’m not sure that these young tight chicks are my “image match.” But there is less separation between us than there is for most guys my age and younger chicks. This is why game people say guys need to work on value and value delivery mechanisms together. Only do value, and you are on the self-improvement hamster wheel instead of getting laid. Only do value delivery, and if you don’t have underlying value, most hotter chicks will blow you off.

It helps to have a life that is somewhat, a little bit together. I have met chicks whose lives are not going well. They are not fun to be around, even when they are physically attractive. Their desperation manifests itself, sometimes in strange ways. Bike Girl was a little bit like this. Her life was okay but she had no career, at an age when career-focused girls (and guys) are really starting to ascend, and people who focus on partying and/or just drifting / dreaming / arts are starting to struggle or suffer. The older you are, the harder it is to be the party guy, without substantial financial resources. Not impossible, just harder. (All generalization I make should be seen as generalizations… I can think of exceptions to all of them.)

I have gone on some dates with chicks who admit their primary dating goal is getting a free meal because they have no money. I prefer later meets at alcohol venues… that avoids such chicks pretty easily.

The guys who completely neglect looks, though, pretty much suffer. We live in the wealthiest time period in human history. Most girls who want to be self-sufficient, will be self-sufficient, easily. Most attractive girls can sell sex any time they like, ranging from full-on sex to being a restaurant hostess. Attractive chicks don’t want or need money alone. Money and earning power is nice, layered on an attractive guy, but it is rarely enough. Maybe for guys with really spectacular amounts of money. Not for guys who are anywhere near normal. And a guy who is “money first” will at best attract girls who feel the same. Not a smart thing. The best girls are typically looking for the “full package.”

One advantage with younger girls is that they rarely reek of desperations (“rarely” is not “never,” like girls trying to steal meals from stupid guys online). They may be making bad choices, but the bad choices haven’t yet caught up with them. Chicks in their late 20s to early 30s, often stew in their bad choices. I have dated some of these chicks, seen the hungry look in their eyes when they see me and think, “Okay, he’s dominant and non-pussy enough, but he’s also got a job… I should take this one and make him mine.” Hasn’t worked yet. I’m pretty lucky I’ve not gotten baby-trapped.

It’s also possible to change girls’s personalities, somewhat. Not totally. Most chicks who get with me find that they read more, they cook more, they work out more, and they spend somewhat less time in bars. They also go to different kinds of parties.

I have had consistent interesting challenges where girls want to go to generic concerts and I do not. Like, at all. I’m fine with chicks going to concerts, although I know that most people also use concerts to change their mental states and put them in a more sexual frame of mind. Chicks who like concerts or even worse music festivals very much go in my “low priority” box.

I’ve also never been much a nightgame guy. I just don’t like it. I find it boring and fake. One reason I like sex clubs is because I find them exciting and authentic (in the right circumstances, on the right nights… on the wrong night they are horrible and I leave). I did do some parties and bar things in my early to mid 20s, when my entire peer group was also doing those things, but they didn’t favor my personality much then and they REALLY don’t favor my personality much now.

Some young chicks find me boring, and they are pretty much right. A super high-energy chick who wants to go out three to five nights a week… is not going to like me much. And I’m not going to like her. Those kinds of girls also either have to be rich with family money, or they are going to burn out quickly. I’m not big on economically dysfunctional girls, as that is usually also an indication of psychological dysfunction. I can go there, but those girls will often not be into me.

Like finds like.

I like what Arvado says about “Like finds like.” Krauser’s story is interesting because he has some pictures of himself and his friend Mike in his memoirs, and they’re both fat. If not outright fat, at least tubby. Yet they seem to overcome some of their physical deficits through sheer effort. That’s pretty impressive to me. But they both meld their ENTIRE lives around pickup. Sounds hard and exhausting.

I do know a lot of people, but often through business. So hot young chicks who are party animals will find me boring. But young chicks who attend to more conventional status markers will like what they see, sometimes.

I like making and learning things.

I tend to like girls who are above-average in intelligence. I don’t mind average-intelligence girls, but they tend not to like me so much. A lot of girls who are most into me, find most guys kind of boring. I have been told a lot that I am strange because I’m very interested in body/physical development but am not a stupid meathead. Many girls seem to think they must have one or the other. As regular readers know I like some very unconventional things, and try to lead new girls into those things, which repels some girls but intensely attracts others. Girls have said they don’t know what box to put me in. That makes sense, actually. They are also seeing the results of someone who has spent almost no time watching TV, playing video games, or being on social media. When you cut out a lot of the crap and instead spend time learning and developing, you get interesting results. Uncommon results. Chicks are used to common guys, or guys who uncommon in a few specific ways. They are not used to guys who have focused on both mind and body. They are often a little wrong-footed as they get to know me.

Chicks also recognize that high-status guys are often on the market for pretty short periods of time. A chick has to act fast.

So this is a bit of a ramble. I don’t know how much you have to learn from Sonny, beyond GET JACKED and do the right diet… useful, sure. I have written before that there are some kind of silly debates between “inner” and “outer” game.

I find them silly because the two tend to feed into each other. Guys who improve their own psychologies tend to also improve their bodies, fashion, living situation, etc. Guys who lift, dress better, stand up straight, etc. tend to also improve their interior mental status. “Inner” and “outer” are recursive feedback loops. Work on them both. Let one influence the other. You can find guys with greater outer and no inner and vice-versa, they are just rare.

I have spent a lot of my life working on self development. When a chick is with me, I tend to try and help her work on her own self development too. Chicks who don’t want to do that, tend not to stay with me much. They get bored and leave.

Chicks tell me they can’t figure me out… I like that. I am not so complicated and don’t want to pretend to be. But most chicks, they seem to encounter guys who are all mind or all muscle (or neither). Then they find me… who is pretty hard to push around and has been for a while (I was easier to push around when I was younger and dumber).