One I got and then didn’t want

Not sure why, but today I was reminded of a girl, “Katy,” who I met through the scene. She was married and poly but also, surprisingly, attractive. I thought so, at least. We’d flirted here and there, but she eventually broke it off with her long-term boyfriend, and I somehow ended up going on some dates with her. I expected things to go straight to sex, but she’s more of the “poly” part of the open relationship universe, rather than the “swinging” part of the universe, so we went on some dates.

I don’t remember much of the dates, apart from the fact that I liked her, and she liked me, especially because she couldn’t rattle me (though she kept trying, softly). I think when I finally got her back to my place, it was in an afternoon. She has an unusual job that oscillates between extreme hours and no work. We may even have gotten together on a weekday or holiday.

The thing I remember most is the letdown feeling when she was finally naked and I was there to f**k her. I’d seen her in lingerie before. I’d seen her f**king before, albeit from a distance and in dim lighting. She is very tall, but not quite as lean as I would have liked. She is the sort of woman who, if she quit sugar, would probably add a point. But she’s not as disciplined as me in that respect. She still wasn’t bad looking, but for whatever reason we did not match. She was not as hot as I would have liked, and some girls just drive me crazy by their smell, by their essence, by their being. She is not one of them. I hate to sound like a chick, but there is an element of “chemistry” in attraction, especially with chicks who are not 8+.

I like to say that you’re rarely fully aware of how hot a girl really is until you see her naked. Some girls get bumped up a point or two, some down a point or two. This one bumped down. Some of these girls I have way under-estimated, some, like Katy, I have over-estimated. In personality terms, Katy has an edge I like, but not so much edge that she loses her sense of playfulness. Yet I couldn’t get properly excited about her in bed. She is the kind of girl I would have happily f**ked as a teen or in my early 20s, for sport and pleasure, when just getting inside an acceptable woman was a monumental event. By the time I found Katy it was less monumental and I was more discerning. Too discerning, it turned out, or we were just wrong for each other.

I know some guys only want what they can’t have, and when they get a chick, they lose interest in her. That has not been me. But when I get a chick and am disappointed with what I realize I’ve gotten, I know it.

Now I still see her at parties every so often, but we say hi and that’s about it.

There is no real learning point to this story; it’s just a small slice of my life.

“How to keep sex hot in a long-term relationship”

How to keep sex hot in a long-term relationship” is 90% clickbait, but this is true:

It is easy to assume our sex lives suffer in a long-term relationship. Mismatched libidos, stress and boredom can each play a part. But pleasure between the sheets doesn’t have to dwindle.

A lot of people (especially women) let sex go:

I was starting a new relationship and I didn’t want sex to be a low priority as it had been in my seven-year marriage.

Then they are surprised when their relationship doesn’t work. If you do not make sex a priority, your relationship will suffer. I like the “say yes” principle, in which both people in a couple should say yes to sex if at all possible, even if one person is “tired” or “not in the mood” or the other stupid things that prevent people from getting busy.

Most often, it’s the woman’s fault for losing interest, but it is also true, realistically, that a lot of guys don’t try. For a couple to work, both people have to try.

I think about this in terms of my own life. If my co-parent had been more pliant and compliant, I would probably still be with her and none of my many game adventures of the last decade and a half would have happened. This blog would not have happened. My view of women would not be complete, as I think it is now.

She basically “let herself go” after kids and, simultaneously, said no to pretty much every overture I made. Although I was working incredibly hard at the time, she complained endlessly about the work she had to do. She could have simply said, “Dinner is on the table honey, would you like another blowjob?” a couple nights a week, and that, combined with a good disposition, would probably have been enough.

Instead, our sex life went to almost nothing. She was most obsessed by competing with the other mommies. She wanted me to buy her more stuff. She did not seem to realize that we did not have equal value in the relationship, or in the dating market. As my value was rising with age and work experience, hers had cratered. Post-partum she was nowhere near as physically attractive as she had been, and at the same time, from the perspective of other men, she was burdened with little kids.

I was increasingly not at home, to the point where I eventually rented a tiny but wonderful studio close to my then-office. I didn’t want to pull the plug, while at the same time I didn’t see a good way forward. As I began exploring the sexual alternatives, she didn’t seem to mind or notice, not at first, which was a tremendous mistake on her part. The more mean and demanding she became towards me, the more I withdrew. The more I withdrew, the more demanding she became.

This is the stupidest girl game I think I have ever seen. You can only successfully bluff in poker if the other players have not seen your cards. I had seen all her cards. She had nothing. I think she just thought that if she huffed and puffed enough, I would bend to her will… showing that she knew nothing about me at all. Or that female sexual market value declines after having children. It doesn’t go up. That is why women, even those who are having sex with multiple men, try to husband-up the best possible candidate when they find themselves in the family way.

Things did eventually dissolve between us, and that left her worse-off than ever. Although she sued for child support, the total child support was considerably less than in real terms than she’d gotten by living with me. I didn’t have the income to support two households, and because we weren’t married she got considerably less than she would have if we had been. My needs were ultra low (for a couple years I lived without a car… motorcycle-only… and bicycle… get this: BEFORE Uber). I spent money on rent for a small studio, kept the motorcycle going, paid for food and gym, and that was just about it. Apart from child support, obviously.

I don’t think she was thinking straight or understood what was happening. She behaved emotionally instead of rationally. She did try to reconcile with me, but by then I had realized the power of online and offline dating. My income continued to increase, while she struggled. She failed to realize that her roles in our relationship were cooking, childcare, and sex, while mine were income and fixing things. Traditional roles, in other words, but she didn’t realize it because she’d been brainwashed by feminism, or women’s magazines, or friends, that she Deserved Better. Or something. I don’t know what. The problem is that I also realized I Deserved Better… and got it.

But if her disposition had been different… if she’d committed to being pleasant around me and doing our sex life correctly… I would have stayed with her. Probably to the very end. We were too young. In some ways, she might have done me a favor.

Now she is okay, except I don’t think she likes her husband very much. She did find a much older guy, “Beta bucks” as some guys would call him, and lassoed him. I think she would have been better off staying with me, but that was not in her personality or psychology then. She had to learn the hard way.

Sort of like I had to learn the hard way that it is not smart to have a lot of sex with women without condoms. Except I still do that. Feels too good in the moment, man. It’s a dumb thing to do, but I keep doing it anyway. Maybe I am not so all-knowingly smart as I sometimes present myself.

How to drop a bomb on a group conversation

Last night I was having dinner with three women who I’ve known for a very long time. I dated one many years ago, and we’ve stayed friends since. Today, one is still single and basically a spinster, one is divorced, and one is married (this sounds like the setup to a sitcom, I know).

So we’re chatting, and I tell them that as usual I’m not seeing anyone seriously, and they want to know why not. They’re pretty familiar with my ways but for some reason the spinster and divorced ones want to know when I’m going to “settle down.” I tell them about Mating in Captivity and  then about how I’m seeing Bike Girl… they comment about how young she is (she’s not) and I say it:

“I don’t really like dating women over 30.”

To be sure, I said it with a cheeky grin and a bashful, “What can you do?” posture. The reaction was amazing. What was wrong with me? Was I immature? Did I have a complex from childhood? Did I not understand what older women have to offer? There were many others in this vein.

One of my friends even said I was disgusting.

I agreed and told her that she loves me because I’m disgusting and willing to tell the truth when most people lie.

This is the sort of thing that should only be said if you’re willing to play the pariah for a while. I was happy to and I knew them all well. This is NOT the sort of thing I’d usually say, especially to people I don’t know well, though I have sometimes used the “I don’t really date women over 30, but there’s something different about you” line on women over 30 I want to sleep with (or have been sleeping with, or am ramping up to sleeping with).

It’s a high-variance line that tends to create anger and fire. Be careful using it! Only do it if you’re willing to create a lot of anger (but also sometimes comedy, if it’s done well).

In some sense saying this kind of thing is socially stupid. But I did it anyway because I thought it was funny. I also don’t mind being ganged up on; it usually makes me laugh.

Plus, wine.