When you’re not that into the girl after sex

Anastasia asks guys

Guys. You are very attentive and “present” on your way to a notch with a girl. Texting her. Several dates may [have gone by?]

What happens after? No one talks about that[.]

Do you ghost her if you didn’t like her too much? Or u word that? Or u disappear? Or it depends on the girl’s behavior?

I’m not 100% sure what Anastasia means: if a guy drops off on the way to sex, he probably has a better offer or just realizes he’s not that into the girl… it can happen. I think she’s asking, “What happens if a guy isn’t into the girl after the sex?”

After sex, I almost always send a day-after “Pleasure seeing you last night” text, or something like that. If I’m not that into the woman, I will usually not follow-up much beyond that light chit-chat. I argue that ghosting is bad for the person doing the ghosting and the person being ghosting, but this also seems to be an anomalous position almost no one else takes; people shouldn’t ghost, although me saying so is pretty damn unlikely to change behavior. I find ghosting a little cowardly in most circumstances and sufficiently cowardly acts often harm the person who does them. Ghosting is often “the easy way.” Most women are passive and will not suggest another date, but they will sometimes say, “Last night was fun, thank you.” I will sometimes say I appreciate it but think we are not a good match, something like that.

If the woman likes me a lot, so much that she proposes another date, but I am not into her, I will say something like, “I like you a lot but I think we aren’t very compatible.”

If I am into her, I obviously propose the next date. I prefer to propose it in person before she leaves, whether she leaves the night of or the next day. This sets good expectations. Even something like, “I want to see you again. Let’s do Monday night or Wednesday night, come over for dinner” works (make the risotto recipe at the linked post). On most nights I aim to make dinner, so having her over means dinner + sex.

My sense is that ghosting is very common… I think that’s bad for everyone and that basic courtesy is generally lacking in American society. Maybe all societies. There is a courteous way to say no and I prefer to do that when possible. It will usually make the woman feel better and make me feel better. Basic courtesy is part of the glue holding societies and cultures together.

If a woman is interested in me and I am not interested in her and she asks for genuine feedback about what isn’t working between us I will usually give it to her, but this is quite rare, for hook-ups. Quite rare in general. A woman is falling for me but who I don’t want a relationship with is more likely to do this, though it is still rare. I sense that guys ask women for feedback more often than vice-versa.

Usually the problems between us are 1) She is not into non-monogamy, as I am (have been?), or 2) she wants to move in with me (this one is common), or 3) I am just not that into her, as there is something off with either her body, her mind, or her life. If there is something off with her body I will usually encourage her to quit eating sugar and hit the gym. Almost no chick does this… almost no guy does this either. The route to a better body is incredibly obvious and anyone who wants to do this can do it. “Better” won’t mean “OMG the hottest ever” but better is almost always possible. There are chicks who I will f**k casually with little effort but who are not that great otherwise.

If there is something wrong with her mind, it’s usually ignorance, mental illness, or obsession with social media. She is either f**ked in the head in some way, overly obsessed with me, or just kind of vacant, usually without being super nice to make up for being vacant. I can deal with a nice, fun-to-be-around girl who doesn’t stimulate me mentally. Usually those kinds of girls aren’t that into me, but they can be and have been. They think reading books is kinda weird.

If there is something wrong with her life, she is probably living with her parents, has some kind of drug issue, or has otherwise f**ked herself up somehow. She has no job at an age and station when she should have a job. Guys evaluating women for short-term sex look almost exclusively at looks and health. Guys evaluating women for long-term relationships will usually look at her overall life. I can often f**k girls like this for a while, but I won’t go anything beyond casual.

Usually women with serious life problems, those problems bleed into their dating lives. Not 100%, not all the time, but often enough.

To go back to the ghosting thing, some guys are really into casually f**king as many chicks as possible and they will often just stop caring about the chick the minute she leaves, or the minute he gets off. As I said, I think that’s not great for the guy or the chick, but those guys are out there, looking for sport f**ks.

Lots of chicks are self-conscious and high-anxiety about their bodies, their looks, their sexuality, etc. That’s why I usually reassure a girl that she has a nice pussy and that sex is good (as long as it is). Even if I am not into her, if she is into me, I try to convey that we had a good experience but that I am not a suitable person for her, so she is not waiting by the phone.

You, commenter, can legitimately point out that chicks rarely extend that basic courtesy to guys, and while that is true, and bad, I would like to improve the world a little bit. When ghosting comes up in conversation I go on my anti-ghosting rant… doesn’t seem to have changed much… no wonder so much sexuality and sexual interaction is so f**ked up. Many people can’t or won’t do the simple and courteous thing. It is often very easy to make someone else feel good about themselves with a couple of words… just do that thing, when it is appropriate.

After sex, most of the time, the guy has more relationship power (“hand”) than the chick. So try not to get drunk with that power. Before sex, the typical chick has more power. Many chicks abuse that power: I am the first to admit that. But chicks shouldn’t do that. Guys shouldn’t abuse their post-sex power, particularly with a chick who has been otherwise well-behaved. Do not treat the individual as an avatar for the entire group to which she belongs.

Anastasia, I think few guys discuss this topic online because most guys never get to the point where they regularly have to judge chicks post-sex. Most guys struggle to get one chick… so this topic is invisible. While for chicks, the post-sex question is ubiquitous. Chicks are also used to shooting for guys +1 or +2 above them, so chicks are often competing for the same small-ish pool of high-status guys. They behave hypergamously. A lot of guys who are getting the sex they want, are not online debating tactics. They are f**king hot chicks, working out at the gym, swiping online, etc. There is an incredible profusion of basic intro material and interest in that material and very little intermediate or advanced conversation because few guys get to intermediate or advanced. When they do, they quit online or, more rarely, start coaching.

I am probably going to quit writing too. I should do one more book about the journey (which I did, eventually). A sort of Book of Pook focused more non-monogamy than most game texts. Don’t know if I’ll end up bothering to execute it, as the last book was pretty much ready to go and still ended up taking a lot of time. I also perceive that the overwhelming majority of guys are just not in the game and not seriously trying to improve their lives. It’s fine to spectate (I do it), but I really write for the guys who want to make a change. A rare group, it seems.