When you’re not that into the girl after sex

Anastasia asks guys

Guys. You are very attentive and “present” on your way to a notch with a girl. Texting her. Several dates may [have gone by?]

What happens after? No one talks about that[.]

Do you ghost her if you didn’t like her too much? Or u word that? Or u disappear? Or it depends on the girl’s behavior?

I’m not 100% sure what Anastasia means: if a guy drops off on the way to sex, he probably has a better offer or just realizes he’s not that into the girl… it can happen. I think she’s asking, “What happens if a guy isn’t into the girl after the sex?”

After sex, I almost always send a day-after “Pleasure seeing you last night” text, or something like that. If I’m not that into the woman, I will usually not follow-up much beyond that light chit-chat. I argue that ghosting is bad for the person doing the ghosting and the person being ghosting, but this also seems to be an anomalous position almost no one else takes; people shouldn’t ghost, although me saying so is pretty damn unlikely to change behavior. I find ghosting a little cowardly in most circumstances and sufficiently cowardly acts often harm the person who does them. Ghosting is often “the easy way.” Most women are passive and will not suggest another date, but they will sometimes say, “Last night was fun, thank you.” I will sometimes say I appreciate it but think we are not a good match, something like that.

If the woman likes me a lot, so much that she proposes another date, but I am not into her, I will say something like, “I like you a lot but I think we aren’t very compatible.”

If I am into her, I obviously propose the next date. I prefer to propose it in person before she leaves, whether she leaves the night of or the next day. This sets good expectations. Even something like, “I want to see you again. Let’s do Monday night or Wednesday night, come over for dinner” works (make the risotto recipe at the linked post). On most nights I aim to make dinner, so having her over means dinner + sex.

My sense is that ghosting is very common… I think that’s bad for everyone and that basic courtesy is generally lacking in American society. Maybe all societies. There is a courteous way to say no and I prefer to do that when possible. It will usually make the woman feel better and make me feel better. Basic courtesy is part of the glue holding societies and cultures together.

If a woman is interested in me and I am not interested in her and she asks for genuine feedback about what isn’t working between us I will usually give it to her, but this is quite rare, for hook-ups. Quite rare in general. A woman is falling for me but who I don’t want a relationship with is more likely to do this, though it is still rare. I sense that guys ask women for feedback more often than vice-versa.

Usually the problems between us are 1) She is not into non-monogamy, as I am (have been?), or 2) she wants to move in with me (this one is common), or 3) I am just not that into her, as there is something off with either her body, her mind, or her life. If there is something off with her body I will usually encourage her to quit eating sugar and hit the gym. Almost no chick does this… almost no guy does this either. The route to a better body is incredibly obvious and anyone who wants to do this can do it. “Better” won’t mean “OMG the hottest ever” but better is almost always possible. There are chicks who I will f**k casually with little effort but who are not that great otherwise.

If there is something wrong with her mind, it’s usually ignorance, mental illness, or obsession with social media. She is either f**ked in the head in some way, overly obsessed with me, or just kind of vacant, usually without being super nice to make up for being vacant. I can deal with a nice, fun-to-be-around girl who doesn’t stimulate me mentally. Usually those kinds of girls aren’t that into me, but they can be and have been. They think reading books is kinda weird.

If there is something wrong with her life, she is probably living with her parents, has some kind of drug issue, or has otherwise f**ked herself up somehow. She has no job at an age and station when she should have a job. Guys evaluating women for short-term sex look almost exclusively at looks and health. Guys evaluating women for long-term relationships will usually look at her overall life. I can often f**k girls like this for a while, but I won’t go anything beyond casual.

Usually women with serious life problems, those problems bleed into their dating lives. Not 100%, not all the time, but often enough.

To go back to the ghosting thing, some guys are really into casually f**king as many chicks as possible and they will often just stop caring about the chick the minute she leaves, or the minute he gets off. As I said, I think that’s not great for the guy or the chick, but those guys are out there, looking for sport f**ks.

Lots of chicks are self-conscious and high-anxiety about their bodies, their looks, their sexuality, etc. That’s why I usually reassure a girl that she has a nice pussy and that sex is good (as long as it is). Even if I am not into her, if she is into me, I try to convey that we had a good experience but that I am not a suitable person for her, so she is not waiting by the phone.

You, commenter, can legitimately point out that chicks rarely extend that basic courtesy to guys, and while that is true, and bad, I would like to improve the world a little bit. When ghosting comes up in conversation I go on my anti-ghosting rant… doesn’t seem to have changed much… no wonder so much sexuality and sexual interaction is so f**ked up. Many people can’t or won’t do the simple and courteous thing. It is often very easy to make someone else feel good about themselves with a couple of words… just do that thing, when it is appropriate.

After sex, most of the time, the guy has more relationship power (“hand”) than the chick. So try not to get drunk with that power. Before sex, the typical chick has more power. Many chicks abuse that power: I am the first to admit that. But chicks shouldn’t do that. Guys shouldn’t abuse their post-sex power, particularly with a chick who has been otherwise well-behaved. Do not treat the individual as an avatar for the entire group to which she belongs.

Anastasia, I think few guys discuss this topic online because most guys never get to the point where they regularly have to judge chicks post-sex. Most guys struggle to get one chick… so this topic is invisible. While for chicks, the post-sex question is ubiquitous. Chicks are also used to shooting for guys +1 or +2 above them, so chicks are often competing for the same small-ish pool of high-status guys. They behave hypergamously. A lot of guys who are getting the sex they want, are not online debating tactics. They are f**king hot chicks, working out at the gym, swiping online, etc. There is an incredible profusion of basic intro material and interest in that material and very little intermediate or advanced conversation because few guys get to intermediate or advanced. When they do, they quit online or, more rarely, start coaching.

I am probably going to quit writing too. I should do one more book about the journey (which I did, eventually). A sort of Book of Pook focused more non-monogamy than most game texts. Don’t know if I’ll end up bothering to execute it, as the last book was pretty much ready to go and still ended up taking a lot of time. I also perceive that the overwhelming majority of guys are just not in the game and not seriously trying to improve their lives. It’s fine to spectate (I do it), but I really write for the guys who want to make a change. A rare group, it seems.

Author: The Red Quest

How can we live and be in society?

16 thoughts on “When you’re not that into the girl after sex”

  1. I have the same process after getting a new +1

    One thing I do is when she responds to the feeler text I send the day after, I take a screenshot. It’s never happened, but it’s good to keep in case there’s ever a false rape accusation from her down the road


    1. I’m not quite determined enough to screenshot the text.

      It seems like a lot of guys need to learn basic after-sex courtesy, because no one really tells us. When I was a kid my mom told me that I should call a girl the day after a date and tell her I had a nice time… good advice… I also pretty quickly figured out that I should adapt that strategy to f**king a girl. As an adult I realize that was a little subtext of the advice.


      1. This is another generational thing. Ghosting was not a word, before there was social media. Nor was it a thing. It would never have occured to anyone of my generation to be a socially acceptable option. And back then you couldn’t just pick from 10,000 different societies to belong to – the common knowledge of the common society was to be decent.

        I soaked up quite a lot by dating older women as a young man. A forty year old broad for a 20 year old man can work fine; he’s got the libido that he won’t get soft just because she isn’t super hot.

        Sex for education is a great trade. That’s what young girls do all the time; trade youth and beauty for experience (and social positioning).

        Narcissism and over-use of left brain analytical style approach to the world and under-use of artistic relational right brained approach to the world is directly tied to overuse of social media. It’s causing deadly serious generational societal changes.

        Ghosting. How did that become a thing?!


  2. It’s a habit I never picked up, but most older women would give me small gifts after we’d been seeing each other for a little bit. Maybe a book they knew I’d appreciate. Girls from other cultures make it a point to find out what the man is interested and to add value, perhaps by taking him sight-seeing to a place of particular interest to him.

    They’d go farther than mere words, but try to add value with actions and gifts.


  3. I think part of the reason few guys get to intermediate or advanced is because the bottom 75% of guys are so far off women’s radars that it’s very hard to get much experience or practice. And the top 5% don’t need to invest much effort. That leaves 20% of guys who have any prospect of benefitting from intense efforts.

    (Personally, I’m near the top of the bottom 75%. I get my chances to practice and learn when I travel. I’m completely invisible to Western women.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Which is another argument in favor of dating old broads when guys are very young. Much easier.

      We all social climb – or try to. YHT and smart and not crazy isn’t a reasonable starting ambition for most people.


    2. I actually think the bottom 75% can do fine… if they try. Most don’t bother trying. The journey may be long but it can be done.

      “Not trying” and “giving up” are the real demons.


  4. Ghosting really bothers me. That and how flaky millennials and younger generations are in general. I get that sometime if a girl just tells a guy she’s not interested, that he’ll come back and say fuck you or be mean, but then just block him if that’s the case. The fact that so many people who are dating can’t even be bothered with a quick explanation or excuse about why they’re not interested is bizarre and not a good indication of things to come.

    Also strongly agree with you that Ghosting/Flaking is bad for the individual engaging in such behavior. Implicit in ghosting or flaking is the notion that people aren’t valuable AND/OR that there’s no good explanation for the behavior. The problem is that a person who does this on a regular basis will eventually push people in their lives away, because A) those people feel they are not valued, or B) they realize the person is irrational/unreliable.

    Not sure if they care, but we’re going to see, around my age (late 30’s) and in younger generations, huge numbers of women go right past the wall and then turn around and complain they don’t have a husband/can’t get a man. There are so many beta male orbiters when they’re young and male attention has been made so cheap by social media and swipe dating that girls can exhibit horrible behavior in the peak years of their beauty (ghosting/flaking) and still have hook up with Chad when she wants to, but my prediction is that they’re going to sail right past the wall and not even realize it.

    The other side effect of the ghosting/flaking is that it makes all women in some ways more disposable and less valuable–and it becomes more proof that the red pill is true. Because when you see women so blatantly practicing open hypergamy and at the same time lack even the basic courtesy to say they aren’t interested, it’s hard to respect them as equals. When women so universally can’t communicate like adults and only care for men in the most selfish way possible, why would any man EVER want to get married to one?

    But I think the message ultimately for the player is that it just takes more filtering. I also think that because the state of men is getting worse, not better, guys who learn game will have a tremendous advantage for years to come. So keep writing man–it’s good stuff.


    1. It seems that chicks get ghosted too, quite a bit, at least from what they’ve told me.

      Not sure if they care, but we’re going to see, around my age (late 30’s) and in younger generations, huge numbers of women go right past the wall and then turn around and complain they don’t have a husband/can’t get a man

      Absolutely. Self-awareness is abysmal.

      Chicks (and guys) who are self-aware are okay. The people I know in the real world who are kind, considerate, work on improving their value, and work to find someone who is at their level, instead of +2 or +3… they are not having problems w/ the wall, etc. They are getting what they want, whether it’s marriage or sex.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, you’re right that guys ghost girls too, but I think that’s set up by the dynamic of SOD. Because women on those platforms are in a state of abundance, especially the hot ones, they only swipe on the Chads, and Chad’s in such a state of abundance that he doesn’t give a fuck about these girls.

        In general that’s why guys don’t settle down into LTR’s with girls they meet on SOD–the general trend is for a man of higher SMV to match with a woman of significantly lower SMV (this is why I don’t do Tinder–I’m probably an 8 in terms of SMV, but I can’t match with anything above a 6 on SOD, and sometimes not even then). Again, this is because women swipe right only 14% of the time, whereas guys swipe right 47% of the time. Abundance vs. scarcity. So he meets up with her, probably realizes he can do better–maybe fucks her anyway–but then after has no interest in a relationship. And because he barely knows her and doesn’t care to explain this: ghost.

        I chuckle a bit when girls complain about fuckboi’s, because they create them through these platforms by the fact they’re so picky that only the very best looking dudes get swiped on. Doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it’s exactly what you said: women on SOD are trying to go 2+ points above their SMV and as a result, they get fuckbois.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. There are girls who like to read and learn from you as well. So I hope you are not going to quit soon. I enjoy how your thoughts and observations becomes more concise and refined.


  6. Hear, hear!

    Agreed that ghosting is just as bad for the one doing it. The easy way is rarely the healthy way.

    More fundamentally, I guess the problem is that so many men are weak these days. They think and behave like little girls… not able or willing to take responsibility for their actions.

    Part of being a real man is, I think, to be able to communicate with clarity – and say out loud what is true.

    Liked by 1 person

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