I looked at the book so many times before I published it that I didn’t realize none of the headers appeared. I’ve now fixed it, so the text should flow better due to the headers being included. There are some other minor fixes and clarifications as well. If you have a previous version, you should delete it and take up the new version.
This turned into a non-actionable ramble, but it is a fundamental statement of my views and psychology… it emerged in response to this Nash comment, so if you want to understand the context, check that first.
In the RP and seduction communities, I get the sense that some guys (maybe most?) are kind of cold/damaged. They’ve failed too many times and are seeking revenge, or seeking to “get a free one” off chicks. Or to get a chick in the inferior position, so that HE has the power (for once) and will get to feel what it’s like to have arbitrary power over another person. None of those are good primary frames, in my view, even if they can be attractive at times.
I actually try to cultivate kindness… BUT not being “nice” or weak. I’m very keen on reciprocity as a fundamental part of the human experience, and I’m cagey about people trying to steal value. I don’t think I’m “nice.” I will be very angry if someone tries to use me, or get one over on me, although in the modern world that means “withdraw attention” is usually the only option.
BUT. We are also stuck on this planet together, and I would like to make the world a better place. I really do believe game makes the world a better place, as chicks want to be seduced by competent guys and of course guys want to seduce hot chicks. There are some ways that our biologies have caused incentives to be mismatched between guys and chicks. To fail to acknowledge that would be stupid. Within that context, however, I try to create “win-win” wherever possible, while also acknowledging that, of course, sometimes it is not possible to do “win-win.” I try to find chicks who want to do the same thing.
“Win-win” means trying to make sure the chick has the opportunity to get off. It means holding her after. Even in group sex situations, it is common to hold the chick after… she has had an intense experience, and needs to be helped down from it. It means that I usually have some food around, so we can have a snack. Most chicks are too dumb or self-centered to do these things, but some are self-aware enough to do them. A lot of chicks report most guys are not doing this stuff. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a factor of chicks trying to get guys +1 or +2 SMV compared to them, and then they get what they give.
I don’t like the view, even if it’s purely psychological, that the goal of seduction is to get one over on the chick, or to punish the chick for all the times a chick has been a bitch to the guy. A guy should protect his value from chicks (or anyone) who will take it… but he should also try to be generous where and when possible. Especially in low-cost, high-value situations. Like holding a chick after he’s f**ked her. Simple thing that will make her experience much better.
Or invite chicks to the gym… to read a book he thinks is good… etc. It’s both good for the chick and also gives you information about her. A basic, lazy ignorant chick is probably only good for one thing, and she can be mentally put into that one-thing bucket. A highly responsive chick might be good for other things. When you find a chick who also wants to make the world a better place, that is valuable information. When you find a chick who wants to wants to watch TV, eat junk food, and complain… that is also valuable information. Obviously there are many gradations between the two.
Many guys, I sense, never get to the stage where they are seriously evaluating the chick, and discarding the chicks who aren’t any good. So if they struggle and struggle, then get to the stage where they have choice… they are sometimes tempted to be mean to the chick. Experienced guys learn that is very rarely good. Most of the time, simple disconnection is the right response to mean, bad, lazy, or stupid chicks. Trying to be mean in return… is rarely a good idea. Sometimes it might be. But very rarely.
I sense that a lot of guys in pickup, seduction, RP (distinct communities at times, but I will put them together my purposes now) want to present a bravado front… look at me, the great player/wizard, with all these chicks before me… I can treat them like dirt, or at least not very well, and they still come back for me… and if she doesn’t come back for more, BEHOLD!, for she will be replaced by another chick, for I am the great player/wizard of seduction, ready to replace that chick.
OF COURSE, sometimes a chick should be replaced. Of course, a guy is only as good as his options. Of course, a guy should be seeking new leads if his plate is not totally full. BUT, he should also try to improve the lives of the chicks he’s f**king, if he can, to the extent he can, while making sure that he only acts in ways that the chick merits. If he senses even for a moment that the chick is using him, or is withdrawing because of his generative nature… then he must pull back.
Top chicks, especially top chicks who are mentally sound, will respond will to a generative person. F**ked up chicks may respond less well. But I want more mentally sound chicks in my life, and fewer messes. You get what you give… there are some exceptions to that principle, but over time and over many scenarios, it plays out.
Nothing is perfect, and I have misjudged chicks and situations before. But I still want my basic frame and mode of being in the world to be positive and to be building new and good things. That can be executed in many different ways… with a chick you’ve just f**ked, though, it usually means you should hold her after. People want to connect with each other. In some ways, we have a very “cold” society in which we’re heavily disconnected. I like game because it creates the connections people yearn for but often don’t know how to make for themselves, anymore.
Enough ramble… I could keep going. I think the basic idea is here, though. If guys want to see more of my not-immediately-actionable ramble posts, there is a tag for them.
I said that “You are part of ‘The Revolt of The Public and the Crisis of Authority in the New Millennium.’” Now the author of that book, Martin Gurri, has a good 80000 hours podcast elaborating on the book’s themes.
I am still amazed that, when it comes to seducing women (one of the most important skills a man can develop), random guys with stupid pseudonyms like mine are more useful authorities that pretty much anything you learn in school or anything you read in bookstores or see on TV. In this field, in human relations, the guys linked in the sidebar are 100x more useful than the New York Times. Crazy, right?
When it comes to sexual polarity and men/women, most guys learn neutral or outright dysfunctional skills from their families, friends, schools, and social worlds. We have to learn on our own or from a small cadre of outsiders.
Multiply that basic idea across 1000s of worlds and you get to the revolt of the public. Our politics and public life still haven’t recovered or reconfigured to the Twitter/Facebook world.
“The Intern Who Doesn’t Have Time for Real Dates” is a story about a dumb girl… she is trying to get a job in a dying industry, or an industry shrinking, if not to the point of death, then substantially along the way to death. How’s she going to make it? By subsidizing her earrings with sex work. Smart girls, they do not try to become journalists: “I just graduated from college and moved to New York for an editorial internship. It’s my dream magazine internship, but I landed it just a little too late. Student loans are going to kick in soon. I need a real job. And a sugar daddy” Smart girls don’t try this in 2018. Or 2019. Smart girls get jobs in real industries.
So she is being a sex worker. For the player, I see this:
I make plans to meet up with another guy from Seeking Arrangement on Wednesday after work. JP is young, only 36, which makes me nervous. I don’t trust the ones under 40. They usually try to just use the app like Tinder. But JP agrees to $600 per meet, which seems to be the going rate.
as interesting. Does Seeking Arrangements work like Tinder? I would have assumed, “No.”
Also, $600 per meet seems crazy. Are guys really willing to pay that much?
She is simultaneously doing regular online dating and sex work. Is this normal, now? I think not. I could be wrong. I think there is something wrong with this girl:
M gives me $700 in cash. Before I leave he asks if I want a hug. To my surprise, I do. He is still fully naked, but there is nothing sexual in his embrace. Hugging this stranger, crying, I realize I don’t remember the last time I was held.
Guys should hold the chick after sex, in my view. Even for one-nighters. Most chicks need it. It will be a better experience for both of you, if you do this, even if you’re tired, even if you’re not that into the chick.
(If she is mean, cruel, or something else seriously wrong with her… a guy doesn’t need to do this… but it’s a good idea to figure that out BEFORE you f**k her.)
This chick is likely going to need to make some serious life alterations. A girl with a messed-up work life typically has a mess-up real life too—past a certain age, anyway. She is 21, so wanting to be in media is okay because she is so young. By 24/25, though, she should be in a more intelligent job situation:
News of media-industry layoffs keeps breaking. The reality that I am taking massive risks to enter an industry that regularly fucks over even established, talented professionals is getting harder to ignore.
That, honey, is the sound of the market telling you to go get another job. Doesn’t matter how much you want this one.
Chicks know high-status guys aren’t going to wait around and pour attention into the chick without getting sex in return. If a guy is too needy and available, he will at best put himself in the friend zone and at worst turn her off altogether. This is why guys are told to work on volume and move to big cities… the best way to be suitably unavailable is to have other chicks you’re pursuing, so no single chick takes up too much of your mental time and attention. You need not play many games if you are genuinely a busy guy.
Two stories about this. A couple years ago, there is a chick I met through friends who was genuinely busy starting her own business and doing some other stuff… the attraction was there but the logistics were complicated. I stayed in loose contact with her, and, although there were lots of reasons we couldn’t meet at various points, she was consistently polite and responsive. She even apologized for sounding like a bitch. I didn’t get upset with her or anything like that… but I also kept texting fairly minimal.
It took something like three months of occasional contact to get her out, and when I did we had like one or two drinks and then sex all night. She claimed she hadn’t had sex in a long time due to whatever else she had going on. Could be a lie, could be the truth, I don’t know and didn’t really care. It doesn’t matter much. For a while we were meeting, usually about once a week or so, to f**k and talk about business.
There is another girl, just like this one, who I met via the non-monogamy scene, and almost exactly the same thing has been playing out (except I already f**ked her at a party that I was w/ Ms. Slav… she had a boyfriend at the time, who did not do real well at the party… he did not have appropriate drugs with him, and I think she was more sexual than him in general). I am genuinely busy w/ Ms. Slav, among others, and she is learning some complex skills… she is texting consistently and is pretty direct w/ her schedule, limitations, etc., and a couple times worked for her but have not worked for me. I told her that I understand and have an intense job, other commitments, have been in her position, etc., and she seems to appreciate it.
To be sure this one might go nowhere… but investment so far has been pretty minimal on my end. But she seems fairly low bullshit, and what she says could be true. I’m primarily sticking to logistics… and she is responsive… so the investment is low and the payoff is reasonably high.
Some chicks play games, but others may authentically have a lot going on in their lives. Time sorts out who is who.
With logistics, I also like consolidating almost all texting into one or two shots per day. This allows me to focus on other projects the rest of the time. I notice more and more that younger colleagues have trouble concentrating and spend 3x as long as they should on a given task. I have been handing out copies of Deep Work, to explain to them what they need to do. It is scary easy to let hours and days ago by and not realize what you’ve been doing that whole time. Maybe this is also why so few game writers age 20 – 30 seem to exist (where are you???)… too busy drowning in social media?
“John Yudkin: the man who tried to warn us about sugar” is about another hero, a hero on the level of Gary Taubes but less known. Let’s all choose to quit sugar and quit being corpulent.
If you want to be fit, it also helps to learn how to cook. Most chicks, like most people in general, don’t know how to cook and so default to sugar-laden takeout and pre-packaged food. We can do better. Most chicks also default to doing whatever you do, so if you make food without sugar in it, most chicks will default to that. This is a component of leadership.
Ms. Slav likes to cook, and that is a substantial marker in her favor.
Last night I dragged myself to a kind of art and music insider event (hard to describe it precisely, but it overlaps with the non-monogamy community), and there was… the guy I nicknamed The Bitch,
While we’re talking, the guy who I describe in this story and this one is also there. He turns out to be a bitch, so I’m going to call him The Bitch. The Bitch and I had some rapport before the Ms. Slav thing, but he now hates me. At the party, early on, I nod at him and say hi, and he says nothing back and looks away.
I guess we’re okay now, because we arrived at the same time and had this moment where we were eyeing each other, deciding whether to renew hostilities or not, and I just smiled and treated him normally. So maybe I was overly dramatic in the description. I’m still not a fan of him, but we’re likely to keep running into each other.
The event was way too loud, but I felt like I needed to keep up community status by making an appearance. I furiously hit on a thin, hot chick who had her big tits prominently displayed in a low-cut top; lots of good laughter, banter, etc. but then she denied the number. I went a little more direct in getting it by saying we should get a drink, rather than cloaking intent in future event planning. Later in the night, The Bitch was flirting with her and DID seem to get the number. Not 100% sure, though it seemed like it. Also flirted some with a chick who is pretty new (and hot), though she likes some kind of death metal techno music (don’t recall the specifics of it, but it sounded stupid to me) and I collected the email. Felt a bit on autopilot throughout. Tiredness and previous oversocializing held me back.
I had a break from Ms. Slav while traveling, but the last week has been tiring. I’m a bit socially exhausted and, despite Ms. Slav’s bad behavior, I’d like to keep her in the fold. I’m not sure whether she has an IUD yet or not, but I’m going to keep wrapping it up with her because she is f**king around enough that she is going to have a problem sooner or later. This is not always a popular view online, but I feel like I don’t don’t properly bond with a chick unless we’re bare and I finish in her. I actually think most girls feel similarly.
As for the break, it’s been longer than the traveling… Ms. Slav cancelled a date like an hour before we were supposed to meet, so I went silent for about a week, maybe a little more, then f**ked her right before I left on a trip. It seems like she is now worried about losing me… which is a nice position, but maybe with the wrong girl.
Ms. Slav has a new girlfriend from school, and I would LOVE to get that threesome. But I’m taking it very slowly and circuitously. Less is more. The threesome action w/ Home Friend happened due to patience on my part. Ms. Slav definitively rejected The Bitch in part because of his impatience. He pushed too hard at an event, and that turned her off enough for her to cut him off.
Calibration is such a tricky skill: knowing when to push and when to pull back. Knowing how to leave the girl enough plausible deniability. Knowing how to propose a proposition without it seeming forced. These skills are very hard to articulate. That’s another reason so many online questions from guys are difficult to answer… there is so much calibration and information available from real life, that gets stripped away in online questions and reports. Some of the principles are easy to articulate (raise your value, raise your value delivery mechanism, show your masculinity, think about the law of reciprocation), but getting them appropriately integrated into a given situation… so much tougher. So much more delicate. I think that is why I tend to write long posts, and why I wrote the book… it’s not possible to fully describe what’s happening in a small number of words. Sometimes it is, like when a girl is into you and makes the bang easy, or when a girl isn’t into you and rejects you solidly.
I also hate to sound like a chick, but I am trying to get a little bit more in touch with my own feelings around how I should direct my life. My work life is going pretty well. I’m trying to figure out where my love/sex life should go. Especially as I consider booting up conventional online dating for the first time in a couple years. Non-monogamous online dating has a different set of assumptions embedded in it.
What else… at the yoga studio I go to, a chick with a fiancé (who I met briefly) has been oddly flirty. She’s also a pothead. May try to make a move there. She seems about late 20s / early 30s, low 7. Another chick is much older and moving from student to teacher… I think she’s 40, maybe early 40s, and yet I find myself strangely attracted to her. She’s very slender and a former dancer. Me feeling attracted to her also makes no sense, yet I feel it.
I’ve not had much success at gyms or, recently, yoga studios, in part because I am wary of soiling the atmosphere at places I go regularly and in part because I haven’t, for whatever reason. But there is no intrinsic reason I can discern why this should be so. At yoga studios most people don’t seem to talk to each other, which I find strange… so I make a point of doing chitchat where and when possible. Just little feelers to see who might respond. The pothead responds to them, as does the older woman who is moving into an instructor role.
Come to think of it, that chitchat from the gym did lead to a short bang with a very pretty blonde girl a couple years ago. I should write out that story at some point. I’d mostly forgotten about the girl.
I’m supposed to see Ms. Slav tonight but apart from that I hope to read books and go out for coffee and go to the gym this weekend and not much else.