The holidays are coming up: shit tests, comfort tests, and gifts [intermediate and above]

Everyone reading this should be familiar with shit tests and if you are not then quit this post and read the sidebar. For 90% of guys, shit tests are a sticking point and this post is useless. For guys who’ve overcome most shit tests, however, comfort tests can be the bigger problem, especially for medium-term FWBs. A while ago I saw a post titled, “Be careful of being too Alpha, Comfort Tests are far more lethal than Shit-Tests.” Good advice.

The holidays can present comfort tests for guys with medium- or long-term FWBs (or even girlfriends…). Guys who are focused on one-night stands or very short-term things can ignore this.

The comfort test is easy to fail by either doing too much or too little. Gifts are an element of retention . When you first start banging girls you don’t have to worry too much about keeping them around, but over time the vast majority of women consciously or subconsciously want to “advance” their relationship with a good guy. Most women also bond with guys who are fucking them and giving them orgasms. This is doubly true if you’re going bare. (Almost no one talks about the overwhelming, primal intimacy of unprotected sex.)

Like I said, it’s easy to fuck up through doing too much (if you are a novice at fucking hot women or more than one woman at a time, quit reading and get more experience). When I was way younger I had the bad habit of thinking that grand romantic gestures and gifts would endear me to women, because that’s what I saw in movies and read in novels. But when I tried grand romantic gestures in real life they totally flopped.

As a younger guy I had no idea why. Now I do. Women love romantic gestures but only from a guy they consider to be higher status than they are.

Women love romantic gestures that the woman has earned and achieved. Romantic gestures and gifts are trophies for her.

I wouldn’t accept a judo black belt because I haven’t earned it. I wouldn’t accept a PhD diploma because I haven’t earned it. Women don’t really want gifts they haven’t earned. Of course they often will take free shit if someone foists valuable free shit into their hands, just like you probably would, but they might feel grimy about it. If they have any character, they will feel grimy about it.

Only use gifts to reward good behavior. Never use gifts as a bargain, to curry favor, or as a trade. Fucking you on a regular basis is good behavior that should be positively reinforced.

I’m sure many of you are about to write comments about how giving things to chicks is BETA. In the wrong circumstances, it is. In the right circumstances, it’s not. Context changes the perception of a given action. Guys at the start of their journey shouldn’t worry about this at all. Guys with regular FWBs might think about it.

Giving a gift, especially an unexpected gift, can be an element of what Tom Torero calls “contrast game.” Listen to the whole podcast, please, if you are at least intermediate level. A guy who is mostly aloof and does push-pull and is mostly focused on sex can improve his connection with a woman by sometimes (not often, but sometimes) doing the opposite.

Preferably unexpectedly.

The unexpected gift will get her wondering, “What does this mean?” She may ask her girlfriends about what her mystery man could mean. She thinks he’s fucking other girls (he is) but he also gave her a necklace for Christmas. Does that mean he’s serious about her? That he likes her more than other girls?

And on and on. Think of it as the positive side of the hamster.

So if you have a woman you’ve been fucking somewhat regularly, consider getting her a small present for the holidays. Only give gifts to women you’ve been sleeping with semi-regularly. I’d say at least three times or for longer than a week, but there is no hard and fast rule. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVES GIFTS TO WOMEN YOU HAVE NOT FUCKED. Not now, not ever. You will lower your own value in doing so and will decrease the likelihood you will ever fuck her.

I put this in all caps because guys who are skimming this and about to write a moronic rebuttal comment need to see it.

The gift shouldn’t be as expensive as possible; it is truly the thought that counts. A stuffed animal or bar of chocolate or inexpensive necklace will do. If she thinks she’s earned the gift, she will value it more than she will a $10,000 engagement ring or an expensive, fancy, uncomfortable dinner with a guy trying to buy her love and her sex. The best gift I ever got a girl was for a girl who loved pickles and so I got her some for her birthday.

For girls who’ve been around longer or more consistently, high-quality but inexpensive jewelry can be good. For example the company Diamond Foundry makes cultivated diamonds. I know and you should know that diamonds are bullshit but most chicks have been brainwashed and marketed into loving them anyway. Diamond Foundry will sell necklaces with real gold and real diamonds far cheaper than conventional jewelers. If you know a guy in the jewelry business (I do), he may also be able to help you buy pre-owned necklaces, which are far cheaper than new ones. Don’t go this route unless you have a trusted expert, however, as there is probably no industry except modeling that is more lie-filled than jewelry.

Ignore the above if you’re short of cash. If you have lots of cash,  consider it.

Anyway, a guy who delivers a little bit of comfort you will set yourself off from most player assholes. The key phrase is “a little bit.” One of the commenters to my earlier post said,

Shit Test – Too little masculine polarity.

Comfort Test – Too much masculine polarity.

Well-stated. I have been both and while you should err towards too much masculine polarity, you can overdo it. I have, and I made women pointlessly suffer by being too aloof. I’ve also made women drop off far faster than they would have otherwise.

For most guys this post is not going to be helpful because you will not yet be at the stage where comfort rather than shit is your biggest sticking point. Guys who are struggling with approach anxiety and getting basic lays can ignore this post. Guys with regular FWBs, however, should read it.

If you are like me, you might get over your initial challenges and then decide that you’re too badass to deal with her feelings or to deign to remember birthdays or holidays.

This will both make her feel bad (as well as used) and reduce your performance. A couple dollars, a box, and an air of mystery will go a long way. A little comfort also goes a long way and you should be 80 – 90% aloof, mysterious asshole, but that tenderness will up your game. There is a good book called Mate: Become the Man Women Want that uses the term “Tender Defender” for what women want and like. They want a guy who isn’t a pussy but who isn’t mean to them. When I was younger I went through phases where I was like, “I’m so fucking hard, I’m the boss, I don’t do fucking Valentine’s day,” dumb shit like that. That was a slightly better stance than giving girls I hadn’t fucked flowers in public, but it wasn’t ideal either.

(Note, this is adapted from a previous version, [Intermediate to advanced game] Valentine’s Day is coming up. That can be a comfort test. Similar ideas apply to Christmas and Valentine’s Day. I was listening to the Torero podcast on contrasts and realized I should update.)

Advertisements

The best books for learning game

On The Red Pill someone asked about the best books for learning game: I still think guys should start with Neil Strauss, The Game and Rules of the Game. They are somewhat dated and anything about “negging” should be ignored, at least at first. “Negging” is really push-pull or what Torero and Krauser call “fractionation.” The rest of the book is still more right than not, and Neil Strauss is a very good writer. Both books are also “mainstream” enough to give to your friends, even as a joke. Neil Strauss describes how he read evolutionary biology books that reinforced and supported the game he was learning.

For clueless guys and even some intermediate guys, it’s helpful to understand biological programming. Whether you want it to or not, biology is still driving us more than culture. Women don’t have that much choice in who they are attracted to, just like guys don’t. Guys can try to force themselves to be attracted to older or fatter women, but it just doesn’t work, right? The number of 45 or 50 year old women a guy will be attracted to is very close to zero, unless the guy himself is aged 60+. Girls are the same way but their criteria is not exactly the same for reasons that make sense from an evolutionary biology perspective.

I actually don’t think it matters very much where you start with game books, as long as you read a lot and more importantly immediately try to apply what you read. Too much reading in the absence of practice is must masturbatory.

What else a guy should read depends on where he starts and what sticking points he has. Guys in high school and college will have different needs and ecosystems than guys who are 30 or 40 or 40+. If guys in high school and college try London daygame cold approach or Strauss-Mystery Method they are going to become weird outcasts quickly. They need more friendship, social circle, and connections techniques. Some techniques and mindsets described by London daygame and Strauss-Mystery are still applicable but “cold approach” is for big, anonymous cities.

“Sticking points” will occur at different levels. For example the Reddit user MattyAnon suggests The Sex God Method, and that is a good book but will be of less use to very inexperienced guys. For guys who are getting laid but are not skilled or confident enough in bed it will be extremely useful, maybe even essential. The book She Comes First is also useful.

One of the best game posts I’ve read is by Krauser, “Reveal vs Restructure,”

I think it comes down to which side of this divide you fall on. Is your Journey a process of:

* Uncovering a pre-existing SMV and personality that is attractive to women, or;

* Ridding yourself of a Pussy Repellent virus and then building an attractive man from scratch.

A guy who is uncovering preexisting value will be different from a guy who has to build a lot of value. The latter guy may be a fat, psychologically messed up guy who needs to learn how to cook, how to quit eating sugar, how to use the gym, how to move his body, how to dress himself properly and get his clothes tailored, and why he needs to physically move to a city and get out of suburbs or rural areas. And he must start now and results may not come for a very long time. But he has no choice. He must struggle, or pay for it, or be alone.

Although this isn’t a book, I like the website Good Looking Loser because it’s about an attractive guy overcoming his own psychological barriers. There are a lot of attractive guys who need help with that. Some attractive guys have limiting beliefs and other issues that prevent them from achieving up to their level.

For books, I just wrote about the Torero book Daygame, and that is a good read. Krauser has good books too. There is a purple pill book, Mate, by evolutionary biologist Geoffrey Miller and writer Tucker Max, and I think it’s worth reading as well.

For guys who need help with fitness, Starting Strength is good and so is the 5×5 method or any number of others. The important thing is to start and make some progress.

Many people like the Mark Manson book Models. It isn’t my favorite but so many guys like it that I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it.

Over time it is very important to understand how women think and how women evaluate men. There isn’t a single book that is best for this subject but all of the books recommended will help build this mental map.

My Secret Garden is all about women’s depraved sex fantasies, so if you have trouble realizing that chicks want to be totally dominated and used hard by the right guy, read it. Women prefer written porn and guys prefer visual porn, so to understand what gets women off you need to read, while also realizing that erotic material has its place but also often differs from real life.

Personally, I used to read a lot more novels than I do now. Great fiction is still wonderful but so much fiction is about people who are psychologically damaged or who are just dumb. For game-aware guys, watching fictional guys step on their dicks is painful. Usually the answer to their dilemmas is “escalate,” “lift,” or “find a new girl.” In most novels the answer is to keep pouring attention into a single hot girl, who by the end of the story comes around, exactly like most girls don’t in real life.

There is still great fiction but it is usually not about relationships. Right now I am halfway through a novel called Kingdom of the Wicked and it is unbelievably good, but it is not mainly about sexual strategy.

If you haven’t already, on your journey you will also learn that there is life beyond game and that without personality and outside interests, you will never break into the highest girl tier for longer-term relationships, whether open or closed. Sex is like oxygen or water, because when you’re getting enough it recedes in importance, and when you’re not getting enough it becomes the focal point of your entire life (not my original metaphor but it’s a good one). When you’re confident that you can get acceptable sex in a tolerable timeframe your whole outlook changes and that is what people mean by “abundance mentality.” It’s not just a mentality, it’s a fact of your existence.

The more you read and learn, the more you will realize how most people, including most girls, are dumb.

Bike Girl: Good and Bad

Good:

1. Sex. Does everything I want. Likes being submissive. Likes the sex tapes. Sex is extremely good. She follows well and trusts me to lead.

2. Fitness. Not much into lifting but likes yoga. A solid seven who is considerably younger than me and deeply into me: probably not that uncommon for the top game guys, but not that common for guys not putting in much effort, I think. Her food habits aren’t great but I bring them up.

3. Likes to read, or reads when I read. A lot of girls demand constant stimulation or spend their lives staring into their phones; when I read she reads.

4. Seems to like me. There are a lot of girls who will have a lot of sex, but they don’t seem to really like me that much (or the guy they’re dating, if they’re dating someone else and I’m observing them). Don’t really get why this dynamic happens but it’s common enough to note it.

5. Strong feminine vibes. Again, hard to define what this means but I know it when I see it.

6. We had our first four-way (switching with another couple) and it went well. When I have more than two minutes I’ll write about that. It was pretty standard from my perspective and pretty standard is very good.

Bad:

1. Messiness. Extremely messy apartment, although she’s tried to make an effort to change because she can figure out my reaction to it. This will prevent any attempt at co-habitation.

2. Kind of basic. Hard to describe exactly what this means too, but she’s not that smart and not that motivated. I think she’s a gallon of water that takes the shape of whatever man she pours herself into. But it sounds like she’s not had a lot of long-term relationships, so maybe she just goes from guy to guy. Because I don’t believe most of what women say (everyone has a narrative) I can’t judge her relationship past well. She speaks well of exes, which is a good sign in my view. When I’m not around I think she’s on her phone all the time, but she can turn it off when I’m around. For now.

3. Related to #2, I think she wants a way out of the office grind and sees me as a potential way out. I downplay income stuff deliberately but if you’re around someone long enough they put it together. Plus one of my go-to lines is, “I’m used to telling people what to do.” Which is somewhat true but also works well.

4. A little clingy. Not real bad, and this could be a “good” sign because she really likes me, and relationships are always better when the woman is more into the man than vice-versa. Women need someone to look up to.

5. Doesn’t have many actual skills. This is related to #3. So few girls know how to cook or clean or just manage life. It’s like, “What do I need you for?” Sex is cheap and girls seem not to have figured this out. If she only brings sex to a relationship then the relationship is probably not going to last, because all the other things in life still need doing. I have talked to Bike Girl about this a little bit, but she thinks that love conquers all. No, honey, it doesn’t. Infatuation makes people think that in the thrill of a new relationship, but the real world works differently.

Neutral:

1. As usual, after a couple months the girl I thought was OMG so hot is still pretty but no longer captivating. I wish it weren’t true but it is.

2. She is open to the idea of an MFF threesome.

3. She has close friends and confidants, whereas a lot of girls are totally lonely or have “friends” who aren’t really friends.

4. She actually wants more sex than me on average, and having so much with her drains me enough to prevent me from pursing other leads. Sounds like a plus, but whenever a guy stops approaching the well dries up. My well stays somewhat full due to kink and non-monogamy, but the highest-caliber girls don’t usually come from there.

I don’t know how other guys deal with career, primary partner, kids, and gym. I’m efficient but it feels like something’s gotta give among those four.

As always I don’t know how to evaluate many things.

“The only guys who like your pictures are the ones you don’t want to like your pictures”

I was listening to and nominally participating in an inane female conversation about social media, and two women were talking about Instagram and the unwritten “rules” about posting to Instagram. At one point I just interjected and said, “The only guys who like your pictures are the ones you don’t want to like your pictures.”

They agreed that I “got it.” One asked me if I have Instagram, and I truthfully said that I have an account but don’t use it. For some reason a lot of chicks like to tell me about the pictures of whatever thing they did and will then sign me up to follow them on Instagram. Fine with me, but I don’t interact or look at it.

I told them that if they want to find higher-quality guys, they should spend less time on social media and more time in the real world. One agreed and one argued that social media was “fun” and “important.” There was nothing to argue again because the point is so inane.

For guys, liking a woman’s social media posts is just a demonstration of lower value. Women know this yet many guys do it anyway. Women who post pictures of themselves in pretty addresses or bikinis get endless waves of validation and attention, but deep inside the women themselves know that the attention is meaningless.

Online and off, less is often more. I do use some Facebook and WhatsApp, but for me the main purpose is to focus on meeting up. Any woman you can’t get on a date might as well be invisible to you.

Social media is deceptive because it can make a guy think he’s making progress when in actuality he is either not making progress or is actively moving himself back. Generic likes and “so hot” comments just convey thirst.

I did tell those two girls that my most interesting social media is anonymous and NSFW, which is true and intrigued them, but I refused to give specifics. Holding back is sometimes better than spewing out.

I have a bunch of other stories to write, including one about Bike Girl’s first foursome, with a couple who I’ve known for a while from the sex-club scene. I also have a half-written post about swinging and non-monogamy for RP guys.

This is a continuation of my points in “Men, game, and social media strategies.” In my view, guys are well-served by minimal interactions on social media.

Don’t get married and make sure you get that DNA test

So. The new Esther Perel book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity ,is out. I read her first book Mating in Captivity and that book solidified to me how dangerous Western marriage is. I’ve been slipping Mating in Captivity to friends, after a couple of beers, for years. I’m sure most of them don’t read it. Then they marry and divorce and cry when their exes take all their money.

You need to read the new book, although I’ve only gotten through a few pages. This is an important part:

Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death.

She’s right. So the solution is, do not get married. And if she says that baby is yours, get the DNA test to prove it. RP guys like to say there are guys who are cheated on and guys who are cheated with. Be the latter. Don’t get married. It’s not impossible that a married (not to me) woman had my kid, and I should write that story (she was married, work weekend, she wanted to use a condom…).

Know how to “rethink infidelity?” Rethink marriage. Specifically, guys shouldn’t marry, at least not while the legal system in the United States is stacked against them.

Feminists have been castigating marriage for decades. They’re going to get a world where guys don’t want to subsidize chicks. Which isn’t going to make a lot of women happy. Guys are waking up.

“What are your rules for talking about RP concepts?”

In response to “Warning about falling into the girl’s frame,” on Reddit this guy asked:

What are your rules for dispensing knowledge? (RP and non. RP)…. Who/When/Why. Seems there are a lot of stupid people and thus many opportunities are presented.

Man, that’s a good question and there are no hard and fast rules. Most of the time a guy shouldn’t talk about RP stuff at all, and to the extent I do, I do with women I’ve already been sleeping with for a while and who are thus in my frame already. Like that warning post: I’ve been sleeping with Bike Girl for a while. It’s possible to drop RP hints here and there as teases, but I don’t recommend going into full professor mode, probably ever. But there are a few principles for when you do talk…

1) Never use any of the jargon. Ever.

2) Must be done in a playful, cheeky way. This goes back to the idea of teasing.

3) Should be done either 1:1 or in small groups. In large groups you don’t want standard BP conditioning to take over.

4) Less is more. Don’t address someone’s entire worldview or ideology. Don’t be a priest. In the example above, I didn’t shit on feminism or make huge pronouncements on all aspects of men versus women. The point was constrained to one facet of male-female dynamics and centered on the friend.

5) Be ready to back down. This may not read as “alpha” to most guys online, but social circumstances aren’t an academic debate. You’re chatting with people and it’s not worth blowing up good social vibes for some issue most people don’t give a shit about. This is related to point 2. If someone gets huffy, just say, “Whatever, live your life” and move on. The smile or smirk are key. Amused mastery is better than being “right,” except sometimes at work where being right matters more. Social context matters for everything.

6) The real knowledge comes not from what you say but how you live. Your life is the best example. Pretty much no one cares about what you say (sorry, but it’s true). People admire or dislike you for how you live and what you do. People listen to high-status people they admire, not some blowhard with an average or below-average life, even if that blowhard is technically “right” about whatever. In an engineering meeting, being right matters, and in most other human social endeavors it does not. Many celebrities who you and I are think are dumb have more influence than you or I because they’re widely admired.

I’m sure there are others, but those come to mind. When in doubt, shut up. Seriously. Shutting up is underrated. Most people like to hear themselves talk and talk about themselves. Let them. I’ve slept with far more girls through shutting up at the right time than I have through talking or being “right.” Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People is still a great book. It’s not clear from the original post I wrote, but in that conversation I talked far less than I listened, and I listened for a long time to the friend. This may read as “beta” to less experienced guys, but, again, most people like to broadcast and don’t care about the objective reality of a situation or how to improve their life. People who really want to improve their lives are the exceptions. Look at the fatties all around you: most would like to not be fat, but they can’t be bothered to improve their lives.

These things are hard to do and require social savvy, and that’s why most RP people say, “Don’t talk about RP.” That’s much easier and less likely to lead to errors. A delicate touch, if any, is necessary.

Warning about falling into the girl’s frame

I had an educational experience with Bike Girl and one of her friends, who was complaining about the way five of her ex-boyfriends had cheated on her. At first I was quiet and Bike Girl was commiserating with the friend. Finally the friend wanted my view, and I asked the common question, What do all five of those guys have in common?

The obvious answer is, Her. She picked all of them. She’s also a pretty girl so she can pick from a wide range of guys.

Most likely, a girl with a long history of “cheating” exes is more desperate than usual for attention from very high value guys. Those guys have lots of options, which they are only too happy to exercise. The girl eventually finds out and then whines to her girlfriends about how guys are scum, totally ignoring her own role in picking guys who are oriented towards sleeping with lots of women.

I didn’t put it exactly like that, which is too RP, and when the friend began to fight back, I backed off some and said that it’s her life and she should live it however she wants. That is something I do believe, just like I believe most people lived in a world so heavily wrapped in illusion that they can’t discern the outer light.

There was no way I was going to enter this girl’s frame about how men are cheating scum. It is true that most men feel the need to sleep with as many women as possible, but it’s also true that anyone who consistently gets together with consistent, bold cheaters is somewhat complicit in the cheating. Five times means there is something inside the friend, not in the five exes.

After, Bike Girl asked what I thought, and I told her the truth: I think her friend is a fool and is old enough to know something of herself, men, and dating. That she doesn’t, speaks to who she is, mentally and psychologically. In an inexperienced girl of 21 or 22 such ignorance would be reasonable. In someone older than 25, it becomes appalling, or a sign of intellectual deficit or inability to face the interior self.

Most interesting is Bike Girl’s reaction, which was respect for knowledge. Being able to know things and to distribute knowledge in a way that’s not off-putting is a hard balance. Given some of our experiences I also think Bike Girl knows a lot about my dim views on monogamy. I haven’t told her everything in my past and never will, but she gets the main point.

I am not a master PUA but I’m not a beta supplicant either, and I think Bike Girl’s friend wasn’t expecting someone to disagree with her girlish nonsense. Yet disagreeing, amiably yet directly, also I think increased Bike Girl’s attraction to me. So did being able to imply her friend is dumb and misguided without being crude enough to say so.

One of my favorite books is Being Wrong. Read it! And know too that if you are not reading books you are likely much dumber than you would be if you did read regularly. This is a harsh thing to say, but it’s also important and true. Almost all the really smart people I know are heavy readers. You don’t have to be a heavy reader to get the girl, but if you want access to smarter girls and you want the ability to maintain a mental connection in a relationship, get reading and talk about what you’re reading.