Women don’t make emotional contracts

This post began as a reply to Nash’s comment, but it got so long that I decided to turn it into a post. It’s not about actionable game tips, so you might not find it very useful.

“But it was in that context that I heard myself say, ‘women don’t make emotional “contracts.”‘ I like that line. I think it’s true.”

It’s absolutely true that women don’t make emotional contracts. If they will enter such a contract, but they won’t keep it, and apart from the withdrawal of attention there is no downside to her. The non-monogamy community, online and off, is endlessly discussing how so-and-so broke their rules. It’s exhausting and pointless. Humans in general and especially women also tend to emotionally bond to people they’re fucking. That’s just how the system works. It can’t be logicked away. The downside of non-monogamy is that she might bond to another guy. Of course, at the same time other women might bond to me, and I think that is happening right now with someone I met at a party.

I’ve written about this before, but most women won’t stay in long-term, undefined relationships with guys. Pretty much all players know that women will initiate the “what are we?” talk three to eighteen months into an uncommitted relationship. It’s possible to keep her on the line for much longer, but most normal women want a family eventually. They have a biological schedule and think they want to lockdown a guy to have kids with (many are also conflicted, as evolutionary biology teaches us).  They also think they want commitment, and they do until they get bored and suffocated by seeing the same guy every day for years on end.

Non-monogamy can help keep the woman on the line while simultaneously allowing a guy to continue in the game. And if she sees the guy drawing in women who are more attractive than she is, she will get competitive and the sex will stay pretty hot. No one will get complacent because no one can.

In reality, of course, in modern marriages a guy shouldn’t get complacent because she may leave him at any time and take half his assets, child support, and the kids, and the entire state will step on his neck if he objects. Why guys agree to this kind of arrangement, I have no idea. Social pressure and expectation, I guess. I barely dodged it myself.

It appears that I’ve set off on a ramble, so let me say that I’m thinking about things more from a longer-term perspective for guys who already have okay game and who are age 30+, and guys who are younger can ignore this. Before age 30 it’s mostly about getting laid. After, a guy should be thinking, at least a little bit, about the long term. The current Western model and marriage contract do not work. They generate hate, misery, envy, and contempt. They’re so broken that the Red Pill has emerged from them.

But! A big but: most people and most guys still want something “more” than tons of random hookups. Most people will eventually want to have kids, too. I think most people age 50+ don’t get as much satisfaction from sex and get more of their satisfaction from family and community. But if you devote your entire life to chasing sex, you likely won’t build the things that matter in the second half of your life.

(Guys in their 20s can mostly ignore the above paragraph and focus on building their game, their knowledge, and their business lives. A guy without game and options basically cannot build an effective longer-term relationship today, so he has to have that first. Entering a long-term relationship without total confidence that the guy can easily find another woman is tantamount to death.)

For guys, over the long term, I think the future regarding kids is closer to something like co-parenting. Lots of guys read this and think it’s just more feminist bullshit. It can be used that way, especially in states with awful “child” support laws that are really woman-support laws. But co-parenting resolves a lot of the conflicts I’ve enumerated. The state isn’t involved through parent contracts. The two adults can maintain separate domiciles as necessary. Both should still contribute to the child. DNA testing is mandatory instead of optional. If and when sexual desire wanes, one doesn’t have to lie and look at the same person every morning for the rest of one’s life. Yet both parents have to commit to some of the crappy and boring parts of raising kids.

Instead of two people promising to erotically love each other forever, then coming to hate each other and getting into vicious, expensive legal battles, two people agree to do what’s right for the kid and agree to make sure the kid has both masculine and feminine influences in their life.

I don’t think co-parenting is perfect either, and I have basically evolved into co-parenting. My situation is far better than the situations of the many guys I know who married, let themselves go, and then divorced.

“If a man should assume there is NO SUCH THING as an emotional contract with a women… why would you strap yourself down to a financial one?? I know why men do it (bluepill thinking… but mostly… lack of options).”

Rollo is right about this: women want it all: complete, total access to a man’s finances and the complete to have sex with whoever she wants to, whenever she wants to. More guys are learning to say no to this raw deal, I hope. I have another post about the book Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy, because it is also about what a society that is really committed to female monogamy and reducing hypergamy looks like.

“Harley Davidson’s EV debut could electrify the motorcycle industry:” good

This is very much off-topic for this blog, and the headline is deceptive, but “Harley Davidson’s EV debut could electrify the motorcycle industry” is of some interest, except that the headline is deceptive because HD won’t electrify the industry, and the company is pretty messed up because of the demographics of its fan base. HD is damned if they do electrify, which is where the industry is headed, and damned if they don’t. If they do electrics, the old timers won’t like the electrics. But if they don’t, they’ll be way behind the technological curve, and the old timers are dying off or becoming too infirm to ride.

Other companies like Zero, which makes my bike, are growing and gaining expertise in electrics.

I love motorcycles and think guys who are debating one should go for it. As I wrote in “Ride a motorcycle—for fun, transport, and dating”

Riding a motorcycle will obviously not fix broken fundamentals of personality, weight, social presence, etc. You cannot buy your way out of who you are. But riding a motorcycle is super fun, makes a super fun date or part of a date, makes you look badass in the eyes of women (who almost never know any better) and is a fun, low-carbon way of getting around. I get opened all the time when I dodge into stores with my helmet.

You cannot buy your way out of who you are, but motorcycles are very fun and set a guy apart from most guys who are fat and complacent in their SUVs. One of my favorite lines is, “I usually only let girls on my bike after we’ve slept together.” Ideally we will all live in walkable cities with good public transport, which lets us open girls on the street or on the bus or train, but the American development pattern over the last 50+ years has gone the opposite way, leading to social isolation and sexless misery for both men and women. We should fight back as best we can by getting out of our dirty cars and living in the real world.

It’s definitely harder to have an electric bike in an apartment building than a detached house with a garage, but many landlords and management companies are now willing to install electric outlets for small fees. The landlords and management companies also know which way things are going and standard 120v, 15amp plugs are fine for Zero bikes.

“What Happens When a Married Woman Goes on Tinder?” Don’t get married

“What Happens When a Married Woman Goes on Tinder?” is about one thing for guys: don’t get married.

My husband and I met at a party on a quiet street in a college town. In the years since, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and talking and writing about marriage, and I’d begun to notice more and more women subverting, reimagining, or challenging received notions surrounding the institution, specifically when it came to monogamy.

“Subverting” and “reimagining” means that she’s being subsidized by one guy while she’s fucking other guys. Why would a guy want to financially subsidize a woman who is going out and giving her best self to other dudes?

He wouldn’t.

I advocate non-monogamy for guys, but I also advocate for not marrying, because marriage is a contract horribly slanted in the woman’s favor. If you sign up to marry, she can go fuck other guys and bear their children, then divorce her husband and take half his cash anyway. Why would any guy sign up for that kind of deal? What’s he getting out of it? It used to fidelity and a kept house. Now it’s what, sex? A guy who wants a lot of sex is better served to hit the gym and chat up hot chicks.

I’ve always felt like an average-looking woman, a solid 6 or maybe a 7 if I bother to wear mascara, but swiping through my matches and messages, I felt like a special species. I felt coveted and appreciated and valued and desired.

Women love attention and modern Tinder can be pretty stupid. If she’s on Tinder, she might just be looking for attention. She might also be looking for more. Again, why would a guy let his wife do this?

As for Pete, he was learning that married men on Tinder did not get quite the same level of positive feedback (or harassment) as married women. Matches were harder to come by, and when Pete reiterated to the women he matched with that he was in fact married, they did not think it was fabulous or awesome.

No shit: women are the gatekeepers of sex. Pete is a pretty low-status guy to begin with. He has no game and is probably not good looking. There are a million Petes but a limited number of women offering NSA sex. A lot of women want to have sex with guys who, in the woman’s mind, can lead to something more. A guy already married can’t lead to something more, most of the time.

We don’t know whether this woman really deleted her Tinder account or whether she’s going to reactive it after her next fight with Pete. For guys the lesson is simple. Why would you want to be Pete?

Don’t get married. Be the guy she cheats with, not the guy she cheats on.

If you have read this whole post, consider how Anything you read about dating in the legacy media is about weirdo outliers.

What I do when she sends nudes

This is a pretty new problem, because way back in the day guys who wanted nudes had to shoot them on film cameras and have a method to develop the film. Then digital came along and guys who wanted nudes still had to shoot them themselves, usually with an early DSLR like the first Canon Rebel, or with a point & shoot. Now smartphones are ubiquitous and chicks send nudes or partial nudes of their own volition and without prompting.

In my view requesting nudes from women is usually a demonstration of lower value and thus should be avoided; if you want nudes, get a camera and shoot them yourself after you’ve slept with her.

But when she sends you unsolicited nudes, what do you do? I’m still not 100% sure, but I’ve begun saying, “Pretty,” or “cool” or a similar one-word answer, and then, often, returning an erotic but not explicit pic of me with another chick. A front view of the chick, with me behind her, covering her nipples with my hands. A side view of me going down on a chick. That kind of thing.

Chicks will go one of two ways: some will be turned on and may accelerate the meeting or next meeting, and some will start asking questions about the other girl, and I’ll say, “Let’s discuss in person and meet at this bar and this time.”

The more sexually forward the chick is, the better this works, I think. Chicks who want monogamy, I think this works worse on. It can be a higher risk move than ignoring or saying very little to the chick. A little bit like my Snapchat in game move. It’s a perfect move with chicks who are already into non-monogamy and group sex.

I don’t include faces, but it’s pretty clear that the pics I send are from me. This is a light form of attempting to make the other girl jealous or showing a hard-to-fake signal that other chicks desire me. Chicks most want guys other chicks want. I said in “Evolutionary biology underlies game” that most chicks have no idea what they want and are their desires are often incoherent.  Implicitly saying, “If you don’t get on this ride, another girl is going to, soon,” makes her want to get on the ride.

Or… it will make her a firm no, forever. That is a blessing because it means you can direct your attention to live leads.

I usually get the pics of me through screen grabs from sex tapes. VLC has a screen grab feature that will export the exact frame. Today, 4K video is widely available and that makes getting the right pic easy.

There also seems to be an uptick in the number of chicks who send nudes as a form of teasing and attention-getting but who have no desire to meet up or have real life wetsex. It’s hard to separate out the chicks who tease-but-want-it from the chicks who just want attention. At some point if a chick won’t meet or won’t come home with me I stop contacting her or responding to her messages, and that will usually shake out the flakes from the chicks who want it.

Today, I see nudes as being in practice part of one’s romantic portfolio, the same way you should have a professional portfolio demonstrating your work products. Be prepared and good things will come. I hadn’t explicitly realized that I’m doing this kind of romantic preparation till earlier this week, but once I did I also realized that most guys are probably doing this sort of thing on the fly, when they should be doing it as part of a larger strategy. Unless they’re already swimming in quim, in which case they don’t need strategy.

Pickup Dark Arts: kink, group play, blowing her mind

Tom Torero just put up a podcast with Troy Francis on Pickup Dark Arts and I’m glad to hear someone else who is game-and Red Pill-aware discussing this facet of male-female interactions.

The podcast fits with one of the more recent pieces I wrote, “Sex parties and sex clubs could be the next level of game.” Kink and public or group sex aren’t for every guy. I love them both for their own sake and because I find that scene an easier route to lots of girls… for me. But:

The reality is that sexual marketplace value operates at sex clubs just like it does everywhere else. You cannot evade it. Using sex clubs to try and avoid having basic value and game will backfire and waste time. Most women assess men’s sex appeal in all the ways RP guys already know.

Kink and sex clubs are not substitute for game. Any guy who attempts to use them as substitutes will suffer.

Listen to the whole podcast. Guys who have never done more than light restraints and spanking will have their minds blown. BDSM is now a baseline skill for men, cause women demand it (although you should also know when to be softer, more intimate, that kind of thing… being too rote will be boring/predictable).

It is also my experience that the kink and sex club scenes will vary greatly from city to city, with the better scenes in the bigger cities.

“I don’t know who I am anymore”

Bike Girl told me, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” and she was referencing sex clubs and group sex dates. I didn’t handle her as well as I could have, I think because I’ve been through this before and I couldn’t get up the emotional affect necessary to deal with it properly. Instead, I was half engaged during the conversation, and the lack of true engagement about what she saw as a huge issue confused her and, I think, made her try even harder to explain what she was feeling. She’s pretty and used to guys being deeply into her… I am deeply into her p***y, I’ll say that much.

I reassured her that she is a good girl and that I’m watching out for her and that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. The conversation is one I’ve had before, too many times, and I didn’t adequately hide that. I think she fears losing me to other women at sex parties… for kind of good reasons. Sex with a new person is very intense and humans, especially women, are primed to pair bond with guys they have sex with. I don’t know how to say this without being arrogant, but I combine looks / masculinity / presence and career / money / earning effectively, or more effectively than most guys. Most guys do the one or the other. Realistically, most guys do neither, but most attractive, dominant guys have weak careers and most strong career guys are fat and repulsive. Or at least look like they’ve spent their life on their careers.

So Bike Girl is having, both an identity and relationship crisis (or doubts) at once. Having caught her, I need to release her. We’ve been talking explicitly about open relationships and how to live non-monogamously, and for her I think it’s a lot to take in. For most girls it is. Some chicks have been searching for this kind of thing for their entire lives and take right to it, but they’re in the minority.

It takes some delicate, consistent re-programming to get an average woman into a non-monogamous mindset. There are non-average women who like sex enough, or who have sufficiently damaged emotions, or who have adventurous personalities, to jump right in. They’re the exception. It may also depend on who has greater investment in the relationship, and how good the guy is at soothing the woman. Since I’m almost always less invested than the woman, the women is more worried about losing me.

But with non-monogamy, she can lose me two ways: she can lose me by agreeing (and thus seeing me have sex with other women) but she can also lose me by not agreeing, because she’s not doing what all those other dirty chicks will do. I’m good at implying, without being too explicit, what all those other girls did… will this one live up to their examples? I hope she wants to win. Her serving me is an excellent frame for a relationships.

Bike Girl is caught, psychologically, in other words, and last night I saw her thrashing in this trap. This contradiction. To her it’s all new. But to me it’s not. I’ve been in it for long enough to see the problems. Because of my relative experience, I’ve held back more, and let her take a lot of the first steps with others, and worked to let her get comfortable. For example, it’s common for a person (guy, realistically) with a new partner to let her be the focus of the other couple, and for the person (guy) not to have sex with the other woman the first time, in order to let the partner acclimate.

I’ve done some of that. Last night was also a reaction to the couple from New Year’s Eve, who I mentioned. The woman is incredibly beautiful, and she makes Bike Girl nervous. Bike Girl is in the same league but the blonde is a solid point higher. The blonde’s guy seems to have his virtues but I think I’m a bit better and kinkier in bed than he is. Bike Girl is worried about the heat between the blonde and me, which is not quite matched by what is between her and the other guy.

This is speculation and I don’t know for sure, but it matches experience and what I know of female psychology, as well as Bike Girl’s personality. Bike Girl has been with me long enough to be past the casual stage, so she wants to figure out if she’s going to be with me and non-monogamous over the long term, or with me and make me monogamous, or if she should get rid of me and protect herself emotionally or psychologically. I respect that last choice, which is probably the rational one for her, if she snag me for real, which she probably knows will be tough. Many girls have the street smarts to know that, if their love isn’t reciprocated, they should leave, however much it hurts.

I don’t know where things will go with Bike Girl, and she must know or suspect that, on some nights I’ve not been with her, I’ve been with other women, though she doesn’t want to hear explicitly what I’ve been up to. I frankly don’t have the time or sexual energy to have numerous relationships and sexual assignations all the time… not anymore. Sex every other day is now plenty for me (in college I’d prefer twice a day).

I don’t say that I’ve seen other women to Bike Girl, I don’t rub her face in it, and I’m not trying to be mean to her, but it is what it is. We’re not 100% into the same things. I’ve also seen fewer other women simply because Bike Girl is good at meeting my sexual needs, and she knows that the better she is about that, the better things will be between us. But she’s also figuring out that on a lot of weekends I’d rather do sex parties, or a specific number of other things, than I’d like to do her dumb chick activities. I tell her to do those alone and she is torn: she wants to be with me on the one hand but knows my independent nature on the other. In some ways I’m very patterned, very mechanical, choosing a small number of activities very specifically. Some chicks get bored with my way of being. They don’t like that I don’t care about their friend’s birthday or about seeing that movie or doing stuff for the Instagram pic.

Bike Girl isn’t accustomed to guys with options. I get the sense she’s used to “dating down.” I don’t know why, because she has a great body, but I think her exes have either been very short FWBs or guys who are more into her than she was into them. So now she’s in a reversed situation and it disorients her.

Oh yeah, and somewhere in the midst of it I told her that I love her, which I probably shouldn’t have done either. Oops. I have a thing about telling chicks I love them… usually during sex… then never mentioning it again. Probably bad game and bad for the chick’s emotional health. But I did it. Can’t take it back now.

So that is where we stand. We are supposed to see another couple tonight and I think that’s going to happen. I will have to get a hotel room because my place will be off-limits.

Bike Girl understands a lot without being able to articulate what she understands. Like, she understands that a person who is really serious about fitness and diet is also serious about sex. Why is a man so diligent about the gym that he won’t be thrown off by female needs? Because he’s serious about finding another woman if the current one doesn’t work out. Other women have also seen my obsessions with swimming, working out, and not eating sugar as a threat to them. And they’re a little right about that.

Maybe I need to take another week off. That typically restores me to equilibrium. This isn’t much of a “game” post. Get good enough at game (or being) and the problem becomes relationships, not sex.

I don’t know if Bike Girl will re-mold her personality, break, or suffer. They all seem possible. But now we’ve got to the point where she has to accept this as her new normal or start again. Re-molding a personality is very hard and I’ve been through it multiple times. Being outside the mainstream and outside typical cultural expectations has its costs.