“The ‘Untrue’ Woman” is another lesson to guys: don’t get married.

The ‘Untrue’ Woman” is another lesson to guys: don’t get married. Marriage means giving up half your net worth and income for… what, again? If you think it fidelity, you may be in for a surprise.

That first link is to an article, but the book is titled, “Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.” It’s more Red-Pill ideas wrapped in a feminist package. I’m split as to whether I should read it. It does look like a useful book for guys to give to chicks who need some intellectual background for open relationships. But the book also reads like something I already know and understand.

With each chapter, Martin builds a case for the primacy of female infidelity and for a societal reckoning with that truth

When Red-Pill guys do this, it’s sexism. When women do it, it’s liberation. Same ideas, different speakers.

The second open-relationship, non-monogamy girl

A few months ago I wrote about Libido Girl, who opened me up to consensual non-monogamy and the sex club world. With and without her, I probably had sex with 15 – 20 women in the first year we were together. Most weekends we’d go to sex clubs or parties. Sometimes we’d go on dates with other couples. That 15 – 20 number could have been much higher, but we found a core group of 10 – 14 girls and couples we’d see pretty regularly. Just like with regular dating, every person has a finite amount of time and energy. It’s often hard to find the best chicks online because the best chicks, who know what they want and compromise well, get a boyfriend and disappear. They might appear online after breakups or when they move to a new area, but there is a distinct “market for lemons” problem that has become more severe in recent years (in my view).

Libido Girl and I basically maxed out our potential social calendar. We went more than I would naturally. She likely had more action that year than I did, simply because she had the energy and endurance. Towards the end we drifted more apart, which is a hazard of a lot of sex with a lot of different people. Her job situation was not ideal, and solving it involved her moving. Even before she moved, I began doing some online dating. This was in the mid to late 2000s, when online dating worked better (in my view) and chicks were not yet glued to their smartphones. I did well at online dating and upped my photography skills considerably and quickly. I’m also a better writer than most guys and often attract girls who appreciate that.

Flaking and other bad behavior was common then, as it is now, but I went on dates and figured out quickly that I wanted to sleep with a woman a couple of times, then try and get her to go to sex clubs with me. A few of those chicks met Libido Girl. I took one very young, wild, hot, and stupid/flighty girl to a club and she must have fucked half a dozen guys there, of her own volition, then basically ghosted me the next week. Which was fine with me, because it’s important for a pair who go to the sex club to operate as a team; if a girl won’t be a member of the team, she is not a good candidate (another potential subject for a post).

The next girl, let’s call her #2, was not as crazily libidinous as Libido Girl, but she liked sex and was pretty uninhibited about it. She was much less forward and in personality terms she was feminine and giggly. She had nice energy and was another solid 7 or so. She didn’t lead in most things but was happy to follow. She was also very positive, which is good for me, but she did like experimenting with other girls and had a very open mind. I think she was somewhat bored with conventional dating and was 26 when I met her: old enough to have some experience but not yet desperate for kids. As Libido Girl left, Girl #2 moved into her place, and I more or less absorbed her into the friend groups Libido Girl and I had formed. #2 never got into going to the gym with me, but she was young and had good enough genetics for that not to matter at the time.

#2 and I essentially repeated the Libido Girl process: for a year and a couple months we had lots of sex with each other and went to parties and clubs two – three times a month. I probably slept with another 15 – 20 girls during that period. Guys with low partner counts are endlessly interested in numbers, and guys with high partner counts don’t care, and by the time Libido Girl and I were halfway through our partnership I stopped caring about counts, to the extent I ever did. I had figured out how to integrate non-monogamy into my life. Some women ran away from that, but many did not. When a guy truly has “abundance mentality,” getting new women can become easy. I learned it then, or fully internalized it.

Not all the women I slept with were incredibly hot, but none were dogs and all met my own internal quality standards. It was common for couples who were unacceptable to hit on #2 (and me), but we were good at politely turning them down.

By now many of the individual parties and club nights have faded into a blur. I know some people keep records of who they did and so on, but I’m not one of them and prefer to exist in the moment.

The most notable thing about #2 was, to me, how easily she slid into the scene. I have written before that most of my favorite girls didn’t require that much “game” or persuasion. #2 was like that. She was ready to find what I offered her. Things came to end when she wanted to move in with me and get more serious. Which I did not want. At all. Finding the sex-positive and non-monogamous worlds felt like unlocking a superpower.

If I found a girl like #2 today, I might be more susceptible to her arguments and desires. At the time, it felt like the whole world was sexually open to me, in a way that I almost got when I was in college and immediately after, but my skills and mindset hadn’t yet come together properly.

“Life’s too short to try to manage damaged people”

Life’s too short to try to manage damaged people.” This is exactly what I was attempting to articulate when I wrote that guys should not believe everything we’re told:

Everyone has a narrative. Most people’s narratives leave some shit out. Whenever someone tells you some story, think about the dark matter of that story. This goes doubly for anything relating to abuse or “abuse,” which are both trendy these days.

For some reason, at least half a dozen women have told me on first dates or near first dates about abuse or “abuse,” and with every one of them I did the same thing: no more dates, no more escalation. Don’t need that shit. If she’s sharing it inappropriately early, run.

When a guy is young, desperate, and undersexed, it is very tempting to ignore the damage and chase the chick anyway, even if the guy knows better, but this is typically a mistake. A damaged girl is like an old World-War-II-era munition dug up in Europe: she may look very cool, interesting, and different, but you never know when she’s going to blow up, taking your hand or life with her. Girl who are excessively ideologically feminist are typically damaged and should be avoided. These days lots of cute, urban, college-educated chicks will squawk a little about feminist talking points but be otherwise normal girls and that’s fine and can be safely ignored. But if she is too damaged, psychologically by her family or in some other way, she must be avoided.

I made an error with the lover mentioned in “I take it back: I think I have to cut her loose.” I didn’t realize how damaged she was when I first got together with her. I thought she is cool and mysterious. Turns out that is not the case, and the more I learned the more apparent that became, though there is no single moment that stands out as a “I should cut this off” moment. I was willing to tolerate more damage than I should have because she is pretty and easy.

To my credit, I did eventually walk. To my debit, it took me longer than it should have. I also have good other options and the ability to find new girls. Would I have such fortitude if she were my only reliable source of sex and intimate female companionship? I want to write, “Yes, of course, I am that strong.” Am I really? Maybe not. That is one reason guys need to learn game: it enables them to jettison damaged women, when they may be tempted to hang onto them otherwise.

“Delivery Room Workers Explain What Happens When A Baby Clearly Isn’t The Father’s”

Delivery Room Workers Explain What Happens When A Baby Clearly Isn’t The Father’s.”

1. Don’t get married.

2. If she says the baby is yours, get the blood type and DNA test. Know for sure.

3. I wrote about it somewhere, but it’s conceivable that I knocked up a married woman while we were both at a business conference. Not guaranteed by any means, but the timing lines up suspiciously well. Guys who get good at game become the guys who are cheat with.

4. If we lived in a society that gave a damn about men, we’d have automatic DNA testing at birth. But we don’t.

Jealousy and non-monogamy

In response to “Feedback request: What do you want to see in a book about non-monogamy and players?“, Nash asks about jealousy.

I would be interested in jealousy. I’d like to hear not only “it can be avoided,” but some EXAMPLES of how it has come up, show both sides, and then your best practices, some case studies of how you’ve managed that in YOURSELF and the GIRLS.

Jealousy… I don’t think it can be wholly avoided, for most guys. It’s like pain in the gym. You’re going to feel it sometimes. Most guys, including me, don’t like to see other guys railing their chick, even if the guy and chick are dating casually. In my view, some amount of jealousy, however small, can come up when a guy is in a situation where he’s going to nail another chick and his chick is going to get nailed by another guy.

Jealousy is adaptive because jealous guys have, historically, been more likely to ensure that a chick is bearing his child and not some other guy’s. If he’s carefully monitoring her and who she’s copulating with, he’s better able to ascertain that the baby is his and not Ughnah’s in the next tent over. The vast, overwhelming majority of human existence (99.9999%) occurred before reliable contraceptives and DNA tests, so we are not going to overcome our evolved instincts to do “mate guarding” (the term evolutionary biologists use). Not perfectly, not soon. This excerpt, from The Ape That Understood the Universe: How the Mind and Culture Evolve, further describes jealousy from an evolutionary perspective,

Throughout the course of our evolution, any trait that increased the chances that a man would end up investing in his own offspring, rather than the offspring of his good-looking next-door-neighbour, had a good chance of being selected. One such trait was jealousy – the kind of jealousy that would lead a man to keep a wary eye on his partner and the good-looking neighbour, and to do what he could to keep them apart.

For most guys, jealousy can’t be avoided. So if a guy wants to go down this path, he should know that some amount of jealousy is probably coming and he should be psychologically prepared to experience it, before it happens. A guy can rationally understand that he’s doing a quid pro quo: he’s going to get his, so she’s going to get hers. This helps, but the jealous response is more emotional than rational. It is very hard to overcome emotional response through rational thoughts, but it can be done and for many guys must be done.

If a guy is in a casual relationship, he knows (intellectually) that the girl is probably sleeping with other dudes. He also probably likes the deliberate ambiguity, the way he doesn’t ask her and she doesn’t tell him. So he can think to himself, “Maybe she’s only having sex with me,” while he knows… that’s probably untrue. How big a jump is it from knowing that intuitively to seeing it happen in front of you? A big one, emotionally, but a small one, intellectually, particularly if the guy is busy with another chick.

In addition, I deal with jealousy by focusing on the other chick. I wrote that Libido Girl, who properly introduced me to this world, made sure that I was having sex with another girl before she had sex with another guy. Smart girl. It is hard to get that angry while you are deep in another girl. She did check in with me after all four of us were done having sex, to see how I felt, and again later that night, and again the next morning. She was helping me to emotionally process what had happened.

Now I do something similar with most girls I’m introducing. I encourage them to go first, or for us to go concurrently. Often, we don’t have sex with other people on the first night we go to a club. I try to get them involved somewhat gradually, unless they are very gung ho, like Ms. Slav was.

Jealousy can be better overcome when you (the man) and your date agree to only bang other chicks together, or to only do a couple-to-couple swap. You don’t want her entering a threeway with another couple on her own volition. Problems often happen when another couple appears ready to swap, but then the other chick doesn’t want to do it. That way lies problems. A guy’s date must be willing to call off the sex, and both people in a couple have to look out for each other. If the other couple is not committed to equal swapping, the whole thing must stop. If the other guy is into it and his date is not, it all must stop. I have done this before. It’s like throwing the emergency brake.

Jealousy goes away over time, or a guy becomes acclimated to it. The first time a guy brings a date to his party, jealousy may be overwhelming. But as one becomes acclimated, it decreases. If someone is desperately scared of flying, a psychologist won’t get her on a plane right away. A psychologist will gradually ramp her up (first he’ll have her in a plane-like dwelling, then talk to her about it, etc.). Jealousy can be the same way. Now it’s normal for me to have sex in groups or trade couple-to-couple, so much of the jealous response is gone.

The other way I see people deal with jealousy is, realistically, boredom. Many couples have been together so long that they aren’t that sexually hot for each other anymore. For those guys, jealousy can be a bit useful, because it might make him want to “compete” for the woman he’s tired of listening to every day. Couples who have been together so long that they’re bored may feel less jealousy and, when they do feel jealousy, it may help them.

Another word about swapping: Guys who don’t want their chick to bang other guys are in for likely problems. If the chick is bisexual, she may be okay with seeking another woman, but other single women are called “unicorns” for a reason. This path is not impossible but it is also the route of much drama and nonsense. I’m not going to speak to it here because the reader can search for “unicorns and swingers” or “how do I find a unicorn” and read the endless shit written about this overdone topic.

To summarize, I don’t think there’s a single cure for jealousy because jealousy is evolutionarily adaptive. Jealousy can be overcome by applying rational thinking to an emotional sphere, which has its own problems (I’m aware of them). It can also be overcome by the guy focusing on his own experiences: when you’re in another chick, who has the energy to feel jealous? These methods are imperfect and there is no final “right” answer. That is why everyone discussing swinging, open relationships, and polyamory online discusses jealousy. If there were a simple solution, everyone interested would do it, ending the discussions. But there is no simple, one-size-fits-all solution, so it’s probably the most-discussed topic in non-monogamy. Many people dream about a mate who is loyal while allowing some screwing around. In reality this is a rare circumstance. Many people attempt to resolve this dilemma through covert cheating. Some are merely miserable. Others try non-monogamy, as I do.

I have never said (and will never say) that “non-monogamy is for everyone” or “group sex is great for everyone.” It’s not and it’s not.

I am saying, however, that given how most players like sexual novelty and variety, and most women in uncommitted relationships are going to be fucking around anyway, a guy should think about some of these strategies as a way of achieving better output for less work while also retaining the girl better.

It’s also surprising to me that more players haven’t figured this out. Maybe I’m lazier than some players and like having some of the filtering work done for me, in advance.
Some players are driven by the ego-based thrill of accomplishment, which is also fine, and that ego-thrill makes them chase one-night stands.

Some guys are also into jealousy. Jealousy makes them angry and competitive and then makes the sex better, because they want to do better than the other guy, or reclaim “their woman” and that kind of thing. These guys cite the Robin Baker book Sperm Wars and use the word “compersion.” That is not my experience but if this is you, great.

Jealousy is often most acute when your partner isn’t in the same room; someone who is happy to have sex with lots of different people often doesn’t really truly want their partners to do the same. But it can be easier to handle the jealousy if both parties are getting the same thing at the same time in the same place. That’s why many couples default towards couple-to-couple swaps: this balances the value equations. If the sex and value equation is unbalanced, jealousy becomes stronger. Many people who think they can handle their partners having sex with someone else, can’t. Going slowly during entry to the non-monogamy world can mitigate jealousy. Preferring couple-to-couple swaps can also mitigate it, and I’ve heard from other players exploring this world who have discovered the same thing independently of me. One such player, Black Ring, had a woman who has spent most of her life being very promiscuous and hoping from man to man (and woman to woman: she’s bisexual). He introduced her to sex clubs and gave her a framework for placing and thinking about her non-monogamy. She went out and f**ked a couple new guys. Then, when he did something similar with women, she couldn’t handle it. She seems to not have realized that Black Ring is a guy who can seduce new women, and when he did, she flipped, and broke it off with him. Eventually he reeled her back in, but he expected that she would be okay with him doing the equivalent of what she was doing.

To be sure, Black Ring likely didn’t manage the woman optimally. As a couple, they jumped too deeply into non-monogamy too quickly. Both also had other obligations specific to their individual lives that may have prevented deepening their relationship first. They should have gone more slowly, with her agreeing not to f**k random other guys, and both of them focusing more on the sex club and dating environments. Instead, she wrote checks she couldn’t cash, claiming that she would be fine with him having sex with other women. I’d guess that she didn’t realize he has other options, since most men don’t.

A logical man can also correctly point out she’s the one who made an agreement she couldn’t keep. While the logical man is correct, the psychologically astute man learns to manage women effectively and tries not to put women into situations they aren’t going to be able to handle. That’s why it’s wise to enter this world slowly and agree that if she gets one, he gets one, and if he gets one, she gets one, preferably all at the same time, to help manage jealousy. At work, the wise manager tries to internalize as much negative performance from his subordinates as possible. He asks himself how he could have handled the situation better, how he can handle it better next time, etc. The bad manager blames his subordinates as much as possible in order to keep his own mental image of himself optimal. It’s easy and correct to say that sometimes the good manager gets bad subordinates and sometimes the bad manager gets good subordinates, but the best managers conscientiously try to prevent bad situations and encourage all subordinates to do the best work possible.

When you’re introducing a woman to non-monogamy, encouraging her to only have sex with others with you is a good strategy that is more stable than most other strategies. Moving slowly is a better way to manage emotions than moving quickly. I want to emphasize that you, as a player, can do relationship anarchy win. It’s possible for you to move quickly into non-monogamy and win. The relationship is just less likely to function that way, and more likely to blow up, if you dive in quickly and don’t work hard on jealousy management and mitigation strategies.

I’ve never heard anyone say, “We got into non-monogamy or sex clubs too slowly.” The reverse, however, is very common: people leap in too quickly, then create emotional explosions that destroy their relationships. So going slowly is often better.

Lifting offers another metaphor. Many guys, particularly older guys age 30 and over, hit the gym too hard and too soon, and often don’t have good enough warm-ups and mobility to lift the kind of weight they want to lift. Rapidly adding weight to the squat, deadlift, clean and jerk, overhead press, and bench press is a good way to hurt yourself and ultimately retard your progress. For guys who aren’t targeting peak strength at a particular date for a contest, like basketball playoffs, it’s better to go a little slower. Guys who are being coached for peak strength at a specific section of a sport season or wrestling match have different needs and should consult their coaches. Guys who are starting a workout program for fitness, aesthetics, and improved bodily functioning should add weight a bit more slowly than they think, and avoid injury.

I’ve seen a lot of failure in this world, and seeing all that failure results in the caution expressed in this section.

Where I fit in to the game world

In “Feedback request: What do you want to see in a book about non-monogamy and players?“, I mention the things I’m not so good at. While I don’t worry too much about being first or best, I also know that I’m unlikely to offer the kinds of highly anatomized how-tos that Krauser or Tom Torero or some others do. There is some very good step-by-step daygame material that I can’t match and am not really trying to match. My game is more “basic,” for lack of a better word. I’ve also figured out some methods and ways of living that reduce the total time I spend approaching.

That said, I do think I’m ahead of 90 or 95% of guys. But the guys ahead of me are probably way ahead. An average guy who finds his way here, possibly by accident through search engines, is going to be greatly assisted. That is also why I think The Red Pill on Reddit is okay, despite the shitty moderating and the moron brigade who inhabit it. While intermediate and advanced guys will mostly find it to be a waste of time, the average and beginner guys who don’t know shit will find it very useful to get started. Our society is so highly feminized that most men don’t even recognize reality. While I have never been that feminized, I didn’t fully get what the reality of intersex dynamics are until I began reading game (starting with The Game by Neil Strauss).

I still mess up. Last night I went for a walk and, while I was walking idly, I was thinking deeply about something at work. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a stunning, curvy blonde chick wearing a white t-shirt and light-wash jeans. I was discombobulated and couldn’t think of what to say, even though she was so stunning that I ought to have given it something. By the time I got somewhat together she was gone. Guys with better game will have a cold-open response pretty drilled into them, so that they can execute immediately. I don’t have that and missed. There are excuses I can give (I was thinking about other things, etc.), but they don’t matter. I over-rely on situational openers.

There are probably other things I could say, but there are a few.

Photography game?

I don’t have a strong view on photography game, though Goldmund sells a book with that name (or camera game, I can’t remember). A couple of guys have asked me about photography in game, since I often cite “Anyone doing any online dating needs to learn basic photography skills.” I’m chary about cameras as game props, because, as I wrote in Ride a motorcycle—for fun, transport, and dating, “Riding a motorcycle will obviously not fix broken fundamentals of personality, weight, social presence, etc. You cannot buy your way out of who you are.” There is no single tool or thing you can buy to make you attractive to women, regardless of what the massive marketing and advertising edifices tell you. Most guys who think they’ll use the camera to attract and seduce women are deluding themselves and probably come off as creepers. I’ve seen camera-wielding creepers and heard stories from women about them.

But, a guy with good fundamentals can no doubt add the camera as a way to open and bond with chicks. I shot a couple hundred nude and erotic pics of Ms. Slav on a rooftop this week, and she loved it.

One corespondent says,

We discussed whether validation was more important to women than sex itself. He said these women spent the best part of an eight hour shoot talking about how horny it made them feel so he jokingly told me I should set up some shoots of women I liked for the express purpose of fucking chicks! Seems so corny though.

It’s hard for me to judge this kind of thing. I’ve not done photo shoots or camera game like this or like Goldmund describes; I’ve typically done photo shoots and that kind of thing after sex, like I did with Ms. Slav on the rooftop cityscape, when the girl’s sexual excitement shows through her entire body and soul.

I can’t tell if doing bikini photo shoots with a girl you haven’t yet slept with is a demonstration of higher value, lower value, or neither. My immediate instinct is to say, “Lower,” and that setting up a camera shoot with a chick is worse than just doing a regular date with her, and perhaps mentioning a photo shoot in a future-project way. But I’ve not got experience doing this kind of game.

It’s dangerous to judge a game style or technique without trying it out, because what may seem true in theory may not be true in practice. Game should be a practice and a practical set of applications, and I just don’t know here. I do know that chicks are narcissistic enough that getting their nudes done by a guy they trust is fun for them. A decent number later ask me to delete the pics and videos, showing the vagaries of the female mind.

My guess is that if you’re a cool enough guy to make the camera thing work, you don’t need the camera. And if you’re not a cool enough guy to make the camera thing work, the camera isn’t going to help.

Obviously the camera can be a useful tool. In many circumstances I like having a book more, and talking about what I’ve been reading. A lot of chicks are surprised by that because most guys don’t read. Even dumb chicks are somewhat impressed, if it’s done well by the right guy.

“If it’s done well by the right guy” is everything.

By the way, Ms. Slav went on a date with another woman last night, and it was extremely successful. More updates on her to follow. My weekend has been very chill, since I’m recovering from travel and other things. I’m off my gym routine due to travel and a minor injury, so I need to get back into it.