Parties

Two sentences I rarely read among guys doing “game.”

  • “I went to a party last weekend and…”
  • “I hosted a party last weekend and…”

Yet I hear this among normal, single people all the time. Most of the most attractive girls I know or have known, meet their lovers and boyfriends at parties and through friends. Some meet online, yeah… but via their existing social circles is probably the most common way. Lots of girls are super different in person than they are in their online personas. Many people (not just girls) are also starved for real-world social interactions, but they can’t make anything happen, so they default to playing around on their phones.

In the “game” and “pickup” communities, the most common modalities for meeting appear to be online dating and cold approach pickup. Online dating’s problems have been adequately covered by me, by Red Pill Dad (browse around his blog and you’ll find many of his rants about it, despite some successes), and others, so I’m not going to belabor them. Cold approach has its place but doing bulk cold approach can seem like life on hard mode… I have done some of it and favor it, but looks play an even more important role in cold approach than they do in the rest of life, and cold approach seems to work best if you also have a lot of other things going on in your life that you can talk about… like the parties you’ve been to recently. Or better yet parties you’ve hosted. If you’ve got a fair amount going on in your life, it’s easy to mention event x on date y. A lot of girls will like you a lot better if they see your social world too. They’ll really like you if they see you know and are comfortable with other chicks (an element of pre-selection). Right now, a lot of the social and economic world is shut down, for good reasons… and that makes it harder to connect with chicks, cause chicks can’t get into the kind of positions where they’re comfortable getting f**ked.

This is not a rant against online or cold approach because both have their place. But they are both hard, too, and if I think about the guys I know in real life who’ve gotten laid the most, they’re the guys who are going to parties/events a lot of the time, and who have stories that reflect their lives. They mostly don’t have “one thing” that gets them with chicks… they have a bunch of things (like how almost every essay here links to some others… it’s never about one thing… it’s about putting things together and methodically improving).

Most guys writing online seem to be extremely introverted, often antisocial, nerds. Nothing wrong with that, but the starting place most guys appear to come from affects their experiences, recommendations, and stories. People want to be connected into larger groups, and a lot of guys lack the ability to make that happen.

The other day I was talking to Breeze about conversations with girls and conversations on dates (or at parties)… and I wound up replying to one of Runner’s posts (can’t remember which one), about conversations on dates. I don’t have hard and fast rules, but I try to think about principles in terms of talking to chicks in general and on dates… I tend to focus on f**king, relationships, peak experiences, dreams, and life purpose, when/where possible. Most girls have nothing interesting to say about topics like books, economics, or ideas, so keep the topics close to things close to their hearts, like f**king, gossip, and of course their peak experiences, dreams, and life purpose are usually based around guys and relationships. Very few girls are working to cure cancer or MS, or move us off fossil fuels, or other really worthwhile endeavors. Most girls just want the heart and d**k of a good man. Or a couple good men…

I try to stay far away from politics and even things like what she’s been watching on TV. Yes I know she watches inane reality TV like most chicks but she has zero insight into why she’s watching or what makes reality TV tick. I know she spends too much time scrolling Instagram, so I have some bits about why social media is crap, and girls agree, then go back to doing it… unless they have good examples to follow.

The weakness of my approach is that I probably scorch some chicks with too much dirty talk or too many sex stories too early. Calibration is vital here but still, I want to get them out of mundane friendship topics as soon as possible. If they’d discuss it with their prim aunt or most boring friend, I (mostly) try to avoid it. I’ll also weave in a lot of fitness teases when/where possible, and talk a bit about whatever I’ve been up to in the gym.

In my experience most chicks think they have a surfeit of boring nice guys, and too few interesting challenging guys who f**k a lot (or go to parties, or host them), so I try to seem like the latter… even though in reality I’d be perfectly happy having a long chat about books, what’s going on with interest rates, any number of things that 98% of chicks don’t care about. And chicks will sometimes be happy to tell me about the TV shows they watch or how they once went to the beach, or other boring chick stuff like shopping and fashion…

I try to avoid things that are generic and not personal. TV shows, politics… if she wants to talk TV maybe I’ll ask which character she most resembles and why, and if I know the show I might accuse her of being the sex-obsessed one. I try not to do too much job/school talk, again because most girls’ lives are boring and most girls find the work I do boring. Most girls are boring and bored, and I see part of my job as being to knock them out of their boring ruts, which most girls can’t do for themselves. A lot of girls do have something interesting to say and something interesting about them, if I can just unlock that thing and let it out. So I overshare a bit in order to get the girl to overshare. I show that I’m not judgmental and sometimes say so. Magnum has talked about “future projection,” I think here, and that can also be useful. Trips, psychedelics, adventure, parties. I notice how few guys writing about the game write about hosting or attending parties… girls are desperate for fun social interaction and often can’t make it happen on their own. IMO hosting/attending parties is just not discussed much and yet that’s how a lot of guys get laid, I think.

Think about whatever things you do that are accessible to girls, and talk about those. Gym, f**king, relationships… statements about who you think a girl is… those things are chick crack, most of the time. Most girls don’t have much going on in their heads, and, even if they do, they often don’t want to explore/express that side of themselves at first.

Consensual non-monogamy is fascinating to lots of people, even people who don’t want to do it themselves.

The guys writing online are doing good work… but it’s useful to ask what they’re NOT talking about. Like meeting a girl in an ambiguous party situation, flirting with her, neither of you entirely knowing if the other one is properly interested, etc. The things chicks love to talk about with their friends, in other words. Being able to pick places to go to regularly, where you can take chicks, or groups, or merge groups, etc. Cold approach is great… but it can be game on “hard mode,” and it can also complement other aspects of game.

Not all parties are good and it’s always useful to be ready to bail. If you’ve been at a party for an hour and it’s boring, leave. Irish exit. People find others on their level. If you find another guy who does good parties, and he knows you bring chicks and he brings chicks… that’s how you find your level… if your friends are five low-energy people standing around with beers… that’s who you’ll attract… it’s not “easy” at first, but nothing is. Guys who can systematize daygame, can systematize other things, too.

Ecosystems, man.

Author: The Red Quest

How can we live and be in society?

15 thoughts on “Parties”

  1. First off, let me say I 100% agree with you. Back in my late teens/early 20s we had all kinds of parties all the time and it was great–I still rarely got laid because I was a blue pill beta and had next to no game–and tended to drink too much–but there were lots of opportunities. So no disagreement that parties are good, either going to or hosting–probably about as good a way to get laid and/or an LTR with a hot girl as there is…

    My guess, however, as to why we don’t see guys mentioning parties much in the community is two-fold:

    1) Many of the guys there are heavily introverted, socially awkward, loner type guys with not a lot of friends, who are more comfortable in front of a keyboard than holding a beer and a conversation. For these guys, I’m not sure there’s a simple fix, but this is where cold approach helps a lot in terms of developing confidence, social skills, basic conversations skills, etc.

    2) Most of the guys who don’t fall into the above category are in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s.

    This ^ is me. And the thing that happens at this age is that most, if not nearly all of your friends are married, and many have kids. In addition, it’s likely that even if you all live in the same basic metro area, you’re all spread out here and there, which means it’s a half hour for people to get to each other’s houses assuming you’re going to or hosting a party.

    IME, people with kids suck (I have a kid, and I don’t suck, but I’m single and RPD–an exception–but the rule is suckage). It doesn’t have to be that way, but it often is, because as soon as she pops out a kid, the wife is under the impression by society that the husband should never be gone and that any social life NOT involving kids or family should come to a halt. Maybe that’s not entirely true, but it’s been true for me and my friends, both during marriage and now after. So, very difficult to get people to a party in the first place, and even if you can organize something, who’s coming?

    A: you friends and their wives. Not young hot single chicks–or even old hot single chicks.

    So my guess as to why there’s not much talk about parties is that the guys going to parties don’t end up on r/TheRedPill or red pill/PUA Twitter, and as a matter of age, if you’re older, the chances a party is plausible or even valuable are very real questions with mostly bad answers.

    That said, a guy who puts himself in position to throw parties (not cheap, as you need a large apartment or house, plus providing food/drinks), especially if he can cultivate a social circle of high value men and hot chicks, would stand to do very well and save himself a lot of time, whether on dating apps or doing cold approach.

    I’ve actually spent a lot of time thinking about how to do this, because I’m extremely social and good at throwing parties (was my frat social chair, and organized most of the parties with friends when we were young–just saying), but I don’t have a large home, nor the resources to feed and water tons of people on a regular basis. The other trick is, if we’re truly getting what we want, how do you get YHT chicks to mix in with a group of older guys and girls?

    Something I’ll definitely have to ponder going forward, because I think you’re right about parties, and building a social circle as being an easier way to source women–particularly hot women–as opposed to cold approach or SOD.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Whatever else a guy does, if he won’t escalate + risk rejection, he’s going to leave a lot of lays on the table, regardless of age, so that’s true.

      I think the “introverted” and “socially awkward loner” explanation is the big thing… which also explains the difficulty with pickup, chatting with chicks in general, etc.

      I think even older guys can be decently successful w/ parties if they 1. don’t read as old and 2. can get a decent space, for example in their building…. a lot of parties can also happen a bit organically, “A friend or two coming round, you should come.” Ten people, low stakes, it’s a bit of a party. Meet one or two other organizer guys… combine groups… you might have a bigger thing… again, it depends a lot.

      Most people with kids are focused on their kids… babysitters, etc. are expensive. And they suck, it’s true. Can’t really party a lot w/ people w/ kids, unless they’e already invested in non-monogamy. But most women with kids are fat. They’re busy stuffing their faces with every carb they can. The exceptions are wonderful but they’re exceptions. We’re not France in this regard.

      A guy basically needs to get out of his generation and make lead generation into the party. Not likely to happen during covid. Also helps to be in an area w/ lots of 20 somethings.

      I’m mostly thinking about how social stuff, cold approach, online, etc., all cohere into a lifestyle that is conducive to nailing chicks. I’m not against bulk cold approach at all. Seems to me, however, having read a decent number of cold approach blogs and field reports… that it’s real hard to do, on its own, and it’s also has negative psychological repercussions, for many guys. The attrition rate seems atrocious.

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      1. I dabbled into doing this via social meetups and realized this route needs a committed attitude, especially if you need to start and grow a community from scratch. I took over a very large dance meetup and had initiative to organize and find cool events, but even then it was a terribly low return on investment.

        Some people came to the meetups, and if you’re trying to grow a group, you need to tend to the random strangers in your meetup. This takes time away from gaming/approaching. Personally I don’t really care about random strangers, and the things I do care about are either too nerdy, or too intense, for most girls.

        So whether it’s cold approach, night game, day game, party game, sales, career, fitness, getting good at anything takes time and effort. You can be good at anything you want, but not *everything* you want.

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    2. > Most of the guys who don’t fall into the above category are in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s.

      RPD is right about this.

      Post college… It was always about parties. And weddings. I hooked up and took GFs from both.

      Have you ever been to a wedding for someone over 30? Fun parties (sometimes) but the girls are terrible. All the single girls are “leftovers” and it shows.

      “Old people” parties are usually married couples too. And some guys drunk wife would LOVE to talk because it’s the most raw sexual energy she has seen in a while, but.. she is come guys wife.

      When I was 40 I fell in with a crew or artists/intellectuals that had just gotten out of college… I did another 2 years of parties with them… that scene broke up/coupled up/aged-out too.

      Parties/ecosystems (your ecosystem post was maybe my fav you ever did) are great – and definitely appeal to more extroverted types. And are also… A LOT OF WORK. Taking girls from solid eco-game is “easier,” but maintaining the scene is a “hard mode” of it’s own.

      Yohami and I used to have this debate all the time.

      Daygame/cold approach is easier in that it it required less long-term planning connections, but it is also portable… A man can take it anywhere, set up shop, and “profit” in a short time.

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      1. >>Daygame/cold approach is easier in that it it required less long-term planning connections, but it is also portable… A man can take it anywhere, set up shop, and “profit” in a short time.

        I like the idea of “doing it all” or “doing some of whatever works.” I’ve never really done bulk cold approach day game… but I have chatted with girls on the street occasionally, or in coffee shops, etc. And I’ve done other things, obviously.

        It’s noticeable to me how few guys combine CA with something else. “Having a get-together Saturday afternoon.” “Couple friends are going to do [thing], you should come.” Not every guy can or should do this. I’ve gotten into situations in which a girl who is ambivalent or distant sees me with another girl and… becomes more interested.

        And in my own unusual case I’ll invite chicks to sex clubs… it’s a “nuclear” move, particularly early on. Not an optimal move, but it does some sorting.

        Daygame is great… I’m interested in / curious about the “total package…” something I feel is missing from the discussion…

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  2. This post reminds of a time that I threw a party in grad school.

    After a 4-year live-in gf had ended it with me, I was starting from scratch. We began dating as both of us were fresh to the city, so neither of us had existing social circles nearby. Although our professional lives were separate, I never formed anything more than acquaintances with my colleagues and schoolmates. I was devastated after we broke up.

    I followed up with The Game by reading material from Love Systems, which is Mystery’s old company. They focused on night game, but had a couple of guys putting out material on Social Circle Game. Good stuff too. I hadn’t yet discovered daygame, and I was hell bent on building social skills and social circles. I put myself out there and spent the year talking to every labmate/schoolmate/etc I could and went to a lot of events alone. I met some cool people despite having pretty bad/awkward social skills. It worked because most of those in environment were pretty nerdy and low on their social skill set as well, with the obvious amounts of variance.

    After a year of this practice, I threw a party and managed 30 people inside my home. Considering I’m posting on RQ’s blog, I should mention this was a regular party where our clothes stayed on. I didn’t get laid from it because I had no game, but there was at least 1 girl I could have fucked if I wasn’t an idiot. She was a lo/mid 6.

    Despite discovering that I don’t really like building and maintaining social circles, I kept up the practice of developing my social skill set, but it remained awkward until I started approaching last year.

    Ultimately, I think there’s a balance. Introverts needs to keep engage in social environments to avoid becoming mechanical, and extroverts need down time to read books and meditate to stay grounded to their core.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was just thinking about my social circle after coming back from a failed date with a girl who apparently has a big social circle. It’s definitely something I want to work on and your post highlights some of the reasons why. In addition I think bringing a date to a social circle and having the girl seeing you interact with other people, ideally hot girls, can help making her more comfortable with you.
    BUT gaming WITHIN your social circle, as you suggest, is actually the “hard mode” imo, not cold approach. Because you have to impress her friends as well, don’t tread on the shoes of some jealous orbiter, be very careful not too overescalate, make sure you don’t catch a bad rep as a womanizer or as the guy who hit’s on all the girls etc. etc.
    AND girls may like to babble with their friends about “does he like me or not”, but for me as a guy this uncertainty is super annoying. I wanna know where Im standing with a girl and if it’s a girl from cold approach I can just escalate to find out. Not possible (at least not with the same ease) if it’s a girl from your social circle.

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    1. Social circles are overrated. They dissolve easily from people becoming busy with their lives. Reputation matters too much and all of your game has to be indirect. LTR’s are implied and if you break up say good bye to all of your friends. This happened to me and I got ostracized afterwards with lots of a drama ensuing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I disagree with almost all of this, except for the last sentence (“This happened to me and I got ostracized afterwards with lots of a drama ensuing”), which is likely true for your individual case.

        In your case, it’s possible and even likely that your “friends” were actually her friends, and that you’re less socially skilled than you might think or imagine yourself to be. The last part of that sentence is a tough and bitter medicine, if it’s true, and most of us will want to construct ego defenses to tell ourselves that it’s everyone else’s fault, not our own.

        It’s also possible that you were surrounded by a crappy group of people, and that you either didn’t realize it, didn’t want to realize it, or were too comfortable to change.

        Without a lot more specifics it’s hard to judge. But “social circles” are extremely under rated by red pill / “pickup” guys, many of whom get into red pill or pickup because they’ve not succeeded socially. Not all red pill / pickup guys, but I’d guess that this is true of the majority who are writing and making noise online.

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  4. Btw. RQ would you mind detailing how you shift the conversation to “f**king, relationships, peak experiences, dreams, and life purpose”, what questions you ask, give examples of the type of stories you tell to the girl?
    Would be super helpful, I think, thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A reasonable question, but unfortunately I doubt that social interactions work that way. You can’t really hand hold or second guess them ahead of time. As a child I used to get nervous before telephone calls and want to rehearse all possible outcomes. Silly, wasn’t I?

      You can get vague directions. Filling in the blanks only happens face to face, over time, on your own.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I like parties but I’m always have been out of touch on what people like. The music that goes on 90% on bars and public parties are annoying and only brings my energy down. And I’m not even that old, I just grew up listening to music at home and first time I went to a party I was already 18. But even when I went out to the rock concerts with my friends, no girl wanted to go home with me, they just wanted to make out on some dark corner. I hope that hosting parties become possible one day, so things can be fun again.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. > Most of the guys who don’t fall into the above category are in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s.

    RPD is right about this.

    Post college… It was always about parties. And weddings. I hooked up and took GFs from both.

    Have you ever been to a wedding for someone over 30? Fun parties (sometimes) but the girls are terrible. All the single girls are “leftovers” and it shows.

    “Old people” parties are usually married couples too. And some guys drunk wife would LOVE to talk because it’s the most raw sexual energy she has seen in a while, but.. she is come guys wife.

    When I was 40 I fell in with a crew or artists/intellectuals that had just gotten out of college… I did another 2 years of parties with them… that scene broke up/coupled up/aged-out too.

    Parties/ecosystems (your ecosystem post was maybe my fav you ever did) are great – and definitely appeal to more extroverted types. And are also… A LOT OF WORK. Taking girls from solid eco-game is “easier,” but maintaining the scene is a “hard mode” of it’s own.

    Yohami and I used to have this debate all the time.

    Daygame/cold approach is easier in that it it required less long-term planning connections, but it is also portable… A man can take it anywhere, set up shop, and “profit” in a short time.

    Like

  7. > Cold approach has its place… BUT LOOKS PLAY AN EVEN MORE IMPORTANT ROLE in cold approach than they do in the rest of life

    Would it surprise anyone if I wanted to argue here??

    “Looks matter.” Or course. Do what you can, but this is not a part of game I would emphasize. I think it is a horrible distraction, actually…

    Last year I changed my FOCUS to TENSION.

    Cold approach is “hard” not because of looks, but because it creates “internal” TENSION when you think about approaching a girl. And “external” TENSION (in her and any one watching) as you engage.

    How a man manages his relation to TENSION is the heart of cold approach.

    A man that improves his ability to manage internal (EX: doubts) and external (EX: shit tests, etc) tension will get 10000X more results than if he “improves his looks.”

    A man should get his looks together and then move on to what really matters – can he step into tension and prove himself solid in those moments.

    THAT is what delivers girls (and so much more).

    Looks are almost irrelevant compared to men that handle tension well. Easily 10X more relevant. No exaggeration.

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